Would you be a bit miffed at this?

[minty133]

School mum invited me and another school mum out for an evening drink/meal in a shared chat between the three of us. We have met up once before as a 3-some. We all agree to it and decide when and where etc. And then only after this, the first school mum says is it ok if we invite some other school mums to come along too! I'm a bit miffed as I prefer smaller groups and was hoping to get to know these 2 mums better. A larger group just wouldn't be the same and makes me feel a bit socially anxious. Am IBU to feel a bit miffed and disappointed ?

Did you say it was fine or did you tell her you'd rather it was just the 3 of you?

I've not replied yet

Yes YABU, sorry. She did the organising, her choice. If you want a smaller group then you can arrange the next meet - maybe in your garden if restrictions in your area allow?

The second mum said it was fine with her but reminded her about the rule of 6

I completely understand how you feel. I had an old friend who was famous for doing this, often not even mentioning it beforehand. A small group of us would meet up, thinking it's just the 4 of us, and she would show up with several people in tow, and usually these people were strangers to us but friends with her. It totally changes the dynamic, and for me, not in a good way.

If it really makes you feel anxious, bow out this time and arrange something another time for the trio.

She did nothing wrong, sure i may feel like a smaller group personally but that is a personal preference

@JunkCrumpet
I think it is you that is being nasty and rude! Would you care to explain that comment to me?

So long as it is still six or fewer it would be fine .

Well I think she should have said at the start that she wanted to invite other people but some people behave differently I guess

I get why you're feeling a bit miffed OP, but you did not organise this meet up, she did. It's lovely that she checked and is leaving it up to you if you want to go with a bigger group or not. She didn't have to.

In normal circumstances, I would be a bit peed off if I thought it was a meet up of 3 and it turned out to be 8+. In the present circumstances, I would be happy with no more than 6, and take it as an opportunity to get to know a few more school mums in a relatively small environment. I think, as one of 6, you would get the opportunity to chat to each of the other 5.

If you are expecting an occasion to be X, and are looking forward to it, and then it turns out to be Y, then it isn't unnatural to 'be a bit miffed' , no (great expression btw). OTOH, the other person hasn't done anything wrong at all here.
You aren't an established friendship she is changing the dynamics of - you've met up once. She is obvioulsy a bit of an organiser tpye and thought "Oh, I wonder it A and B would like to come too?". Even then, before asking them, she has asked you two if you mind - which is thoughtful of her.
If you do, then say "Oh, I'm quite shy, I'd rather it was just the 3 of us" if you want to - but be prepared to then be excluded from further gatherings down the line if you are telling her you can't cope in a group or 4, 5, or 6.
Or go outside of your comfort zone a bit and maybe you will find you also like A and / or B. A meal for up to 6 people is still not really changing into a completely different dynamic when the 3 of you are very much still getting to know one another anyway.

It can only be 6 including yourself so it’s only 5 more mums .
I wouldn’t worry .
Go a long and have a good time , you can always leave when you want to .

She's asked you a question, not just randomly invited other people - so presumably she's braced for either answer you might give. If she hadn't asked, yes, it would be reasonable to be miffed, but she did ask, so it's now up to you to say what you'd prefer.

@BackforGood

If you are expecting an occasion to be X, and are looking forward to it, and then it turns out to be Y, then it isn't unnatural to 'be a bit miffed' , no (great expression btw). OTOH, the other person hasn't done anything wrong at all here. You aren't an established friendship she is changing the dynamics of - you've met up once. She is obvioulsy a bit of an organiser tpye and thought "Oh, I wonder it A and B would like to come too?". Even then, before asking them, she has asked you two if you mind - which is thoughtful of her. If you do, then say "Oh, I'm quite shy, I'd rather it was just the 3 of us" if you want to - but be prepared to then be excluded from further gatherings down the line if you are telling her you can't cope in a group or 4, 5, or 6. Or go outside of your comfort zone a bit and maybe you will find you also like A and / or B. A meal for up to 6 people is still not really changing into a completely different dynamic when the 3 of you are very much still getting to know one another anyway.

Was about to post something very similar.

I would feel just like you OP, I prefer small groups and don’t like meeting new people, so in this case I might come up with an excuse not to go, but then afterwards I’d be wishing I’d just gone along and might have met a new friend. Maybe make your own way there so you can stay for as long as you choose, just to put yourself in control of the situation.

I’d probably be a bit nervous too but maybe she’s as close to the other mums and thought they’d be offended if she didn’t invite them?

That’s an angst filled slippery slope to getting drawn into being part of a group of school mums with all that goes along with it imho.

Nothing but trouble ahead.

There’s loads of threads on here about conflict, arguments, one being domineering, one being dramatic, one being flaky another being sneery.

I would absolutely hate this but then I don’t like people, wear a face mask and my earphones to avoid any interaction with anyone in the playground. I drop off and pick up and piss off.

Avoid.

If she’s organising she’s entitled to invite who she wants. You can be the inviter next time and have control over who comes.

She hasn’t done anything wrong, but you happen to feel socially anxious.

That isn’t her responsibility.

She is open and social, you prefer small groups.

6 isn’t such a big group. Go with it this time.

Other person had said fine, so you are outvoted.

You’re miffed, you don’t like bigger groups ( there will be a max of 6) so don’t go.

But don’t blame them for excluding you or not being friendly.

Or.... go, have a nice time and enjoy yourself. And be pleased to get to know people.

No I wouldn’t be miffed. She is the organiser and if she wants to invite three more people she can.

Groups of 3 rarely ever work imo so I'd be pleased there's a bigger group....it's still not massive but you could all get to know a few mums in case the inevitable '3 become 2' split happens as it often does with groups of 3.

PickyPolly and there will be plenty of groups of friends who do get along without conflict and angst. You just don't hear about them because why would you?

"My friends and I met through our children at school and really enjoy each other's company very much."
MN: "OK, that's nice not interested - where's the drama?!"

Not everybody is antisocial.

OP - I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than is warranted.