Would you be a bit miffed at this?

[minty133]

School mum invited me and another school mum out for an evening drink/meal in a shared chat between the three of us. We have met up once before as a 3-some. We all agree to it and decide when and where etc. And then only after this, the first school mum says is it ok if we invite some other school mums to come along too! I'm a bit miffed as I prefer smaller groups and was hoping to get to know these 2 mums better. A larger group just wouldn't be the same and makes me feel a bit socially anxious. Am IBU to feel a bit miffed and disappointed ?

The overthinking, the taking it personally (no, she almost certainly DIDN'T mean you are not good enough...), the getting miffed......it is exhausting.

Just go or don't go, you don't seem to appreciate her as a friend. You don't like bigger groups, she is happy in bigger groups. So, there you are.

The former Natalie. She just said shall we invite some others mums too. And yes, I did infer from that that the company of me and the other mum wasn't good enough!

How on earth have you managed to make it all about you?

It's perfectly normal for people who are not socially anxious, to consider other people and how they might also appreciate an invite.

It's often a nice thing to do and doesn't reflect on you at all.

Some of my dearest and best friends were school gate friends, from Reception onwards. I doubt it would have happened like that had I nit picked over the details of every get together and message.

@WorraLiberty

The former Natalie. She just said shall we invite some others mums too. And yes, I did infer from that that the company of me and the other mum wasn't good enough!

How on earth have you managed to make it all about you?

It's perfectly normal for people who are not socially anxious, to consider other people and how they might also appreciate an invite.

It's often a nice thing to do and doesn't reflect on you at all.

Oh, I don’t know. Have you never thought “Oh God, we’re stuck with Chris and Jane and they’re nice but hard work. Shall we ask Nick and Louise for a bit of light relief?”. It very much depends on circumstance, I think. Nothing to do with social anxiety; the dynamic with two other people you don’t know that well is completely different from that of a group of six. Not necessarily better or worse, but it is different.

Oh, I don’t know. Have you never thought “Oh God, we’re stuck with Chris and Jane and they’re nice but hard work. Shall we ask Nick and
Louise for a bit of light relief?”. It very much depends on circumstance, I think. Nothing to do with social anxiety; the dynamic with two other people you don’t know that well is completely different from that of a group of six. Not necessarily better or worse, but it is different.

If I was worried about being stuck with Chris and Jane, I wouldn't have suggested going out with them for drinks and a meal.

If I was worried about being stuck with Chris and Jane, I wouldn't have suggested going out with them for drinks and a meal.

Some people aren’t as considered as that. They live in the moment and rethink afterwards. Not saying that’s what’s happened here at all - just that I’d probably feel a bit hmmm as well if someone had asked me to go out as a three and then suggested inviting some unidentified “others”. Different again if, say, the original texted said “Oh, bumped into Laura today and she said she’d like to come too”. I can see why the OP is questioning what’s going on.

@AltoCation

The overthinking, the taking it personally (no, she almost certainly DIDN'T mean you are not good enough...), the getting miffed......it is exhausting.

Just go or don't go, you don't seem to appreciate her as a friend. You don't like bigger groups, she is happy in bigger groups. So, there you are.

Yup, I agree. I’m amazed that some people feel this way about a pleasant, sociable friend including them in an event.

Don’t go OP, you clearly won’t enjoying it.

It’s nice thing for her to do to involve other mums. Appreciate you prefer smaller groups, but would she have known this? I doubt she did on purpose to upset you.
You could always make your excuses and suggest another time for the 3 of you

@Dee1975

It’s nice thing for her to do to involve other mums. Appreciate you prefer smaller groups, but would she have known this? I doubt she did on purpose to upset you. You could always make your excuses and suggest another time for the 3 of you

I agree that she was probably trying to be nice...but from the OP’s perspective, it wasn’t. I think there’s a general view of “the more the merrier”....but not everyone feels like that. And you do need to know people a bit better before you know if they are likely to feel that way or not. I have one friend who is very much of that mindset, so wouldn’t think twice about including someone else in our meet-ups - but equally, I have another friend who would hate that with a passion. It’s horses for courses.

I wouldn't want OP to feel that she is being picky or unusual, because she is in a odd situation to be sure. Friend 1 is only being a bit tactless and no worse crime, but there is nothing wrong on a public forum to canvas opinion about a perfectly understandable reaction.

To change plans after they have been set is strange: why not get the threesome out the way first, and then think of how to get a big group meet-up going - maybe as a regular thing. (Open air would be best during these times, obviously).
Putting other two mums on the spot by asking, which two out of the whole cohort of class mums would be most welcome is really tough for them. What do you say? Why should you be forced to make a choice of who seems more companionable/fun/ things in common than another mum, when presumably you don't know any of them well, and it isn't even your idea to get together in the evening!

If it was Friend 1's house and she was cooking, then fine, she is hosting and she designs the evening, taking account of all kinds of considerations, but suggesting that you could go out in the evening again as you did once before is not really 'inviting' in the same way. But she isn't really giving other two mums an option to veto her initiatives in a way which doesn't look sullen and precious.

It's fair, I'd say, that if you make good friends at the school gate then you are entitled to meet up in twos for the purpose of chatting about things closest to your heart, without it being the case that you are behaving in a way that leads to others feeling excluded. A three is a bit like a two - special friends who feel safe speaking frankly.

The proof of the pudding will come after. Only a few months down the line will OP be able to see if Friend 1 and herself have the makings of a decades long friendship and whether, additionally, a lovely inclusive dynamic is being established for that class of mums.

Horses for Courses maybe...but people who need to be sheltered in small groups need to say so and be clear about it from the outset so that everyone else can get on without being made to feel they are in the wrong and being the target of people being miffed.

SAY to your friends "I like meeting like this in small groups - I am not happy in bigger gatherings" very early in the acquaintanceship rather than waiting for normal things to happen and blaming everyone else.

Yes this would annoy me too.

I had a friend who always used to do this, usually bringing along someone who didn’t know the rest of us and it changed the dynamic of the evening and altered what you could talk about. She did it whether she arranged the evening or not.

The other weird thing was that she wouldn’t reciprocate it, for example she would not bring me to any of the things she was doing with the people she brought. So it only ever went one way. It did make me stop making as much effort to be honest as I gravitated to other friends.

@AltoCation

Horses for Courses maybe...but people who need to be sheltered in small groups need to say so and be clear about it from the outset so that everyone else can get on without being made to feel they are in the wrong and being the target of people being miffed.

SAY to your friends "I like meeting like this in small groups - I am not happy in bigger gatherings" very early in the acquaintanceship rather than waiting for normal things to happen and blaming everyone else.

To be fair, though, Alto, you’re assuming that bigger groups are what most people prefer/think is normal. I’m not sure that’s so? If I think of my friends, it’s definitely some and some. I’m 50/50 - it very much depends on exactly who I’m being bounced into going out with!

I think the OP is justified in being a bit miffed, actually. The suggestion was made to go out as a three and she accepted on that basis. The goalposts have been moved on her. In the same situation, you might feel a bit meh if you thought you were going out with all the mums in the class only to find yourself on a night out just with Jenny and Sue who never stop boasting about their kids. It’s the changing the nature of the evening that’s the problem here.

I enjoy meeting in a group of three, can just about cope with 4, hate meeting up in any bigger group. The conversation is totally different and becomes mundane rather than intimate and I don't care for mundane talk.

But, @dontdisturbmenow, it seems incredibly unlikely that the OP and two people that she has been out with once before, are going to be talking on that much of an intimate level. I do agree it wuld change the dynamic completely if 3 long standing friends introduced a couple of new people, but that isn't the case here - the OP and the other two people are still very much at a 'getting to know each other' level.

She just said shall we invite some others mums too. And yes, I did infer from that that the company of me and the other mum wasn't good enough!

Well, that is all about the inference which comes from your lack of self esteem. It certainly isn't clearly implied in that sentence. I would just hear "We met as X sort of occasion last time, let's try Y this time" or even "It would be good if everyone who might want to is included whilst we are getting to know one another.... I'm not into excluding anyone" type of comment.