Page 3 | Would you be a bit miffed at this?

MoonJelly · 02/10/2020 08:51

She just said shall we invite some others mums too. And yes, I did infer from that that the company of me and the other mum wasn't good enough!

I don't think I would infer that. I think it just suggests she'd like a slightly different type of evening for a change, maybe she wants to widen her circle of friends, whatever. People can like a bit of variety without it being some sort of insult. If your company wasn't good enough, she wouldn't have agreed to meet you in the first place.

12309845653ghydrvj · 02/10/2020 08:54

She didn’t do anything wrong. You can say you’d rather it just be 3 of you, but be prepared to not be invited to the next one. A few more people might be a good chance to meet more people, and then see them more 1-on-1 in the future?

CeibaTree · 02/10/2020 09:01

Why would you think she thought you and the other mum aren't good enough company if she invited you first OP? You are clearly at the top of her list of people to invite and the extra mums are an after thought.

I don't think she has done anything wrong - if you haven't replied to her saying you'd rather she didn't invite anyone else how is she supposed to know you don't want the extra company. It's not like she's invited other people without asking you, and it's not her fault that you are 'socially anxious' - does she even know your diagnosis?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 02/10/2020 09:06

OP - she's asked you if you mind. Not just gone ahead. Probably someone else has suggested a drink and she's thinking it would be nice.

It's not like a new partner has invited 5 pals along on your 3rd date.

YABU to get the huff. If you don't want to go don't but you are prob cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Anyway think yourself lucky you're even allowed to go out for a drink with other people - most of the North and Wales can't atm

diddl · 02/10/2020 09:06

If your company wasn't good enough the you wouldn't have been invited in the first place.

It could just be that another mum has mentioned that they haven't been out for a while & she has thought that they might as well come to what has already been organised.

I can still understand how you feel though-I would be thrown by it also.

It might also mean that she's not too bothered about having other mums as close friends?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 02/10/2020 09:08

PS say all of the above as someone living with diagnosed, sometimes very severe anxiety. Not without sympathy. But as someone who has missed out on fun and friendships by letting my anxiety place restrictions on what I do, you need to understand getting miffed about it is displacement activity!

MzHz · 02/10/2020 09:09

Honestly, with kindness op, you’re being U.

This woman has done absolutely nothing wrong, as long as the total number of people gathering is no more than 6. She wants to share the occasion with more, and if you can, see this as a validation of who you are that she wants to have other friends meet up with you 3. This is an opportunity for you to see others in a safe environment and widen your social circle

Your anxiety isn’t entirely rational, you know this, it’s not a usual response. This is something that could be greatly benefit from being challenged so you don’t allow anxiety into your life any further, and can work hard to lose that awful pit of stomach feeling

You can and will beat this.

As an aside, EVERYONE has suffered from this virus and the related anxiety it creates. Our lives have all had a reset, we’ve all had everything we know taken away and have been powerless to do anything about it. Our government has stoked fears and dementors have exacerbated it.

We all have to push ourselves through this. Don’t let anxiety do any more damage than it’s done already

Cheesypea · 02/10/2020 09:14

^ yes. Speaking as somewone who has suffered her fair share of social anxiety you may have a great night.

Angelina82 · 02/10/2020 09:19

Just tell her you’d prefer to keep the evening more intimate. It’s not like she hasn’t given you the option to.

NataliaOsipova · 02/10/2020 09:26

This is an opportunity for you to see others in a safe environment and widen your social circle

But maybe she doesn’t want to do that. It’s a very different sort of evening. There are a couple of school mums I like and would want to be proper friends with. There are a couple I’m not keen on and the rest are perfectly okay. And I’m sure others categorise me similarly.

Three people is a good chat. Six people is two separate chats (and still runs the risk of looking cliquey/exclusionary). Thirty people is a different kettle of fish all together. And you know what these things are like - you’d like to have a chat to Jane, but if Jenny turns up she completely dominates the conversation. So - while I don’t mind the big meet up once in a while (and it can be a good way to get to know people better, I accept), if I’m going to the effort of a babysitter, I’d far rather see the people I really like.

SoloMummy · 02/10/2020 09:31

@minty133

School mum invited me and another school mum out for an evening drink/meal in a shared chat between the three of us. We have met up once before as a 3-some. We all agree to it and decide when and where etc. And then only after this, the first school mum says is it ok if we invite some other school mums to come along too! I'm a bit miffed as I prefer smaller groups and was hoping to get to know these 2 mums better. A larger group just wouldn't be the same and makes me feel a bit socially anxious. Am IBU to feel a bit miffed and disappointed ?

You risk coming across as bitchy by saying no to other mothers joining, who may in fact be more in tune with you. You also risk being labelled as "that" mother!

TableFlowerss · 02/10/2020 09:34

It’s fine to feel the way you do and I can understand not wanting to meet in a big group of strangers. I much prefer smaller groups. Absolutely.

It’s a difficult one really as you can’t really say no don’t invite them..... I don’t really know waft to suggest but you’re not being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

I would say that she is either very sociable and loves all that big group stuff or.... she’s looking to make new friends and she’s seen this as an opportunity...

lunalulu · 02/10/2020 09:41

I would say:

Aw ... I was happy it being just us 3! ☺️ Would be lovely to have a bigger group some time, but I'm a bit tired at the mo so maybe this time just us? Then we can plan a bigger dinner?

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 02/10/2020 09:43

I'd just respond that I would prefer it to just be the 3 of us as it's easier to chat properly in smaller groups. Then just see how they respond.

Don't do something you aren't comfortable with.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 02/10/2020 09:43

They're not strangers though - they're other parents at school.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 02/10/2020 09:43

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and it would change my opinion of you if you voiced a concern about this. I would think you demanding, high maintenance and whilst I would acquiesce on this occasion, it would make me think twice about getting to know you better or invite you to future events.

Florencex · 02/10/2020 09:46

[quote minty133]@JunkCrumpet
I think it is you that is being nasty and rude! Would you care to explain that comment to me?[/quote]
I don’t think Junk was being nasty or rude. Junk said you were being nasty, exclusive and rude. I would kind of agree with two of those things, I don’t think you were being nasty.

But you were being exclusive, you wanted to stick to it just being the three of you, maybe other mums are looking to make friends too and you are trying to exclude them. By the same token, trying to form your little clique of three may also seem a bit rude.

You are reminding me of school where you are one of those children that gets to decide who is included and who is excluded.

Trousersareoverrated · 02/10/2020 10:04

I’d say something like ‘we’d have to keep it to 6 though- do you think it might be a bit awkward asking some and not others?’ - honestly I’d think you were a bit odd for saying you would rather not!

CrazyToast · 02/10/2020 10:20

Yes I would be annoyed but I'm not sure she did anything wrong unless it was specifically stated your outing was 'just us 3'.

Some people just approach social stuff like more the merrier and they don't get that others can be anxious.

I just wouldnt go.

diddl · 02/10/2020 10:22

"trying to form your little clique of three may also seem a bit rude."

I don't think that it's necessarily rude or exclusive, but if that's what Op wants, best she organise something herself for the three of them?

Diverseopinions · 02/10/2020 10:45

The principle of being welcoming and inclusive is an excellent one. Conversation will, of course, be more generalised. Tips and recommendations of children's groups, etc., will be shared to every person's advantage. Obviously, to not leave anyone out, any parent in the class, quite a lot of these evening meet-ups would need to take place, so you'd be spending out on drinks and food every fortnight or so - potentially to keep it fair, especially with the 'six only' restriction.

Without any special friendship, and confiding, it might seem that for that kind of supportiveness and pooling knowledge, a social media site, like a PTA one, or a weekend picnic or walk with the kids might be more suitable.

Snog · 02/10/2020 10:48

You prefer smaller groups and your friend prefers larger groups, neither is wrong. You can choose whether to go this time or not, and can organise a smaller group whenever you like.

I understand it's disappointing for you if the group size you were expecting has changed but really such is life and I wouldn't be reading anything into it particularly. If I were you I would still go as you may make a new friend.

RaisinGhost · 02/10/2020 11:41

I'd be a bit annoyed too, but there is nothing you can say. I can't believe pps are saying "well she did ask". Not really! As if OP can reply "no, I'd prefer if you didn't" and have that not be considered weird. She's probably asked them already and is just mentioning it.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 02/10/2020 11:59

I'd say also with my schoolrun mates type things (3 kids so done a lot of it) - that going out for drinks & dinners always seemed to be a more the merrier kind of situation. It's usually more let's have a night out than let's really have a chance to catch up. But closer friendships and chats were formed over coffee or lunch or inviting folk over (hard to do right now I know).

Also, times being what they are, people may well drop out.

Original poster

minty133 · 02/10/2020 12:03

@RaisinGhost

I'd be a bit annoyed too, but there is nothing you can say. I can't believe pps are saying "well she did ask". Not really! As if OP can reply "no, I'd prefer if you didn't" and have that not be considered weird. She's probably asked them already and is just mentioning it.

Exactly. I don't get a choice in the matter. There's no way I'm going to object as obviously this would be rude! Plus the second mum said it would be ok with her - maybe out of politeness - as the first mum asked for opinions of who else to invite and neither mum2 or myself have replied.

OP posts: