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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be a bit miffed at this?

89 replies

minty133 · 02/10/2020 00:05

School mum invited me and another school mum out for an evening drink/meal in a shared chat between the three of us. We have met up once before as a 3-some. We all agree to it and decide when and where etc. And then only after this, the first school mum says is it ok if we invite some other school mums to come along too! I'm a bit miffed as I prefer smaller groups and was hoping to get to know these 2 mums better. A larger group just wouldn't be the same and makes me feel a bit socially anxious. Am IBU to feel a bit miffed and disappointed ?

OP posts:
Wibblypiggly · 02/10/2020 07:20

@JunkCrumpet was not rude OP Hmm

And you are being unreasonable and slightly high maintenance. What she’s doing is coming from a friendly place. Either you organise something next time or don’t go. You sound a bit territorial.

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/10/2020 07:21

Ballsed up the strike through!

BooFuckingHoo2 · 02/10/2020 07:21

I think it’s nice she’s inviting others along, it’s lovely to include people Smile.

If you don’t like it why not organise your own meet up and then you can choose who goes?

dontdisturbmenow · 02/10/2020 07:25

OP, I totally get you. I enjoy meeting in a group of three, can just about cope with 4, hate meeting up in any bigger group. The conversation is totally different and becomes mundane rather than intimate and I don't care for mundane talk.

This happened to me when my two friends who are much sociable then I am decided to expand our group. No issue at all with it, they are entitled to it but I expressed that I wasn't comfortable in a larger group.

They are absolutely fine with it. We still meet within a group of 4, but as someone is often busy, we more often meet as 3. I also meet with them individually, often around a shared interest. It works for us.

I'd go to that meeting and see how it goes, but don't be afraid to say that you find it harder in larger group and wouldn't be happy to meet with the 2 of them in the future but will pass the larger get together.

yeOldeTrout · 02/10/2020 07:29

3 people would quickly get boring. 6 is a small group.

ClinkyMonkey · 02/10/2020 07:37

How has the OP been nasty Jack? She says she's a bit miffed and disappointed. How on earth doe that translate into being nasty?

I suppose, OP, it was decent of the mum who organised the meet up to ask if you were ok about other people coming, although in saying that, I honestly can't think of any polite way of saying you're not ok with it! So really, she's put you in a position where you would look bad objecting, but it does give you the opportunity to pull out. So if you're uncomfortable with the changed dynamic, then make an excuse and don't go. Not everyone likes larger groups - I'm one of those people unfortunately!

lughnasadh · 02/10/2020 07:42

... ' but some people behave differently I guess'

The mantra of passive aggressive martyrs everywhere.

She did nothing wrong. If you want to get to know people, invite them out yourself.

boymum9 · 02/10/2020 07:49

She hasn't done anything wrong BUT I totally understand where you're coming from and would feel exactly the same and if was me I'd likely end up bowing out of it and making an excuse, I struggle with social situations like this and when plans change like that it makes me really anxious!
My exH used to do it to me all the time with things even after 15 years and him knowing how much a struggled with things like this, life is a lot easier now not having to deal with it!!

NataliaOsipova · 02/10/2020 07:50

Did she say “is it okay if we invite some other mums” or “is it okay if we ask Susan and Kate?”. The former would irritate me as I would infer from that that my company was insufficient; the latter sounds like an attempt to be inclusive and ask someone else she thought would enjoy the evening. Am aware this might be my own personal quirk, though!

TheBlueStocking · 02/10/2020 07:53

I don't think there's a right or wrong here. Sometimes you are in the mood to meet a group, sometimes you would be disappointed because you prefer one on one.

Newmumatlast · 02/10/2020 07:57

@AltoCation

She hasn’t done anything wrong, but you happen to feel socially anxious.

That isn’t her responsibility.

She is open and social, you prefer small groups.

6 isn’t such a big group. Go with it this time.

This. I'd feel a bit different about it if she had just invited more and you didnt know and then turned up to more people. However she has asked if you both would mind first. That's normal.
oakleaffy · 02/10/2020 07:59

@Aquamarine1029

I completely understand how you feel. I had an old friend who was famous for doing this, often not even mentioning it beforehand. A small group of us would meet up, thinking it's just the 4 of us, and she would show up with several people in tow, and usually these people were strangers to us but friends with her. It totally changes the dynamic, and for me, not in a good way.
Absolutely hate it when people do this too... I much prefer smaller groups.
Theterrible42s · 02/10/2020 08:02

But she's asked before inviting the others - I really don't see the problem? You're free to say no, but then she is also free to not include you in future things she organises.

Refractory · 02/10/2020 08:04

Sorry, it sounds perfectly fine to me. I understand you have some social anxiety but perhaps she doesn't know this.

AriesTheRam · 02/10/2020 08:06

Id feel the same yanbu

RedskyAtnight · 02/10/2020 08:06

I can see why you might not want other people to join you, but I'm not at all sure why you are miffed .... The other mum hasn't even invited anyone yet, she is only checking if you mind. Surely all you to is say "oh, I'd hoped it would just be the 3 of us, maybe we can invite the others next time" and it becomes an entirely non-event.

Though your lack of wanting anyone else to join is exactly why playground cliques have such a bad name.

lifesalongsong · 02/10/2020 08:08

Some people like large groups, some prefer smaller, it's not a right or wrong situation. If you don't feel comfortable with the larger group toucan always make your excuses nearer the time. Covid gives everyone the perfect get out for situations they'd rather not be in.

emilyfrost · 02/10/2020 08:08

@DioneTheDiabolist

I get why you're feeling a bit miffed OP, but you did not organise this meet up, she did. It's lovely that she checked and is leaving it up to you if you want to go with a bigger group or not. She didn't have to.
This.
monkeyonthetable · 02/10/2020 08:13

I understand - I get the same feeling if what I thought was a meet up with close friends is suddenly a polite get-to-know-you with some strangers. But she is only being lovely and inclusive not cliquey. And you might meet some people who turn out to be long term friends.

Original poster
minty133 · 02/10/2020 08:18

@NataliaOsipova

Did she say “is it okay if we invite some other mums” or “is it okay if we ask Susan and Kate?”. The former would irritate me as I would infer from that that my company was insufficient; the latter sounds like an attempt to be inclusive and ask someone else she thought would enjoy the evening. Am aware this might be my own personal quirk, though!
The former Natalie. She just said shall we invite some others mums too. And yes, I did infer from that that the company of me and the other mum wasn't good enough!
OP posts:
wildraisins · 02/10/2020 08:32

She arranged it and she asked you first so hasn't done anything wrong.

Sounds like you are a bit socially anxious but maybe just go with it this time, you will still get chance to talk to the two original people and might meet some others that you get on with too.

Also, you can always arrange your own separate get together for the 3 of you if you want it to just be that.

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2020 08:37

I don’t like big groups either, and would be disappointed, but I think it’s lovely that she is including other mums. You don’t want to be that clique of three in the playground do you, who closes off any other mums from joining your chats?

WhatWouldJKRDo · 02/10/2020 08:39

What’s the problem?

“Could we keep it to just the 3 of us this time? I’m really looking forward to a proper catch up.”

Sorted.

wildthingsinthenight · 02/10/2020 08:44

Totally understand OP. I would hate that Flowers

Diverseopinions · 02/10/2020 08:47

I agree with the sentiments of Natalia and OP in her last post. The natural thing, imv, would have been to have the threesome meet-up and then to say that NEXT TIME it would be cool to meet up with some other mums too. You can easily do both, one after the other. If the invitation had emanated from a three-way chat, either in person or Zoom or something, then it would have seemed like a way of saying ' We're all enjoying putting the world to rights. Let's continue this chat over a drink!'

After all, time away from home, possibly a childminder needed; cost of drinks and food; you're saying yes to a certain amount of effort, so you have a right not to be placed in a position of unfairly looking like an awkward fusser if you turn down inclusion in a bigger gathering.

You could interpret the changed invitation as meaning the two of you who were initially invited are not enough, but also it's possible that first mum has decided not to make a friendship group of the two of you, after all, but rather to keep equally friendly with a wider group, as if not wanting to be seen to be in a clique. And that would get me thinking about things getting a bit strategic and tiresome.

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