Someone asked DH on a date

[Kaylia76]

DH does private tutoring. He has tutored this one child for a few years now and he used to always spend a bit too long at their house chatting. It always annoyed me as it meant he was home late for things we had planned. With corona it became online and so I had somewhat forgotten about it.

DH has now started tutoring in person again and called me after leaving the woman’s house to say he thinks she asked him on a date. I was confused and asked what he meant, apparently she said they should share a bottle of wine and talk about their lives. He took this to mean as more than platonic.

DH is young - far younger than this woman - and whilst I don’t think anything has ever happened it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know that the woman knows about me and he has mentioned me in messages (“need to check with my wife’s schedule for childcare”) and when the lessons were online we shared a study so I always heard the conversation.

AIBU to be really uncomfortable now? There’s about a month left of tutoring before the child sits her exam. The tutoring went fine whilst it was online so I have asked that he makes an excuse to continue the next 2-3 sessions on there (Covid is an easy excuse).

He thinks I’m totally in the wrong. So who is BU?

so he answered the phone saying “don’t really want to talk to you right now
This part would probably annoy me more!

@VenusTiger

Don't see your DH has done anything wrong at all here OP and in fact he's been open about it all - I also don't think he's making you jealous either as a PP suggested - he wants to finish the course face-to-face as that's his job OP, he's being professional - Covid excuses or not - the only person who has stepped out of line here is the mother of your DH's client. Let it go, I would.

Exactly

This is classic Mumsnet. If it hadn't been for the fact that this woman is 'much older' and instead '10 years younger and stunning,' the responses would 100% have been along the lines of 'definitely having an affair.' 😂

Are you telling us that he keeps the money he earns from tutoring all for himself? That would be a deal breaker for me- he’s taking a significant chunk of his available time and saying it’s 100% mine and nothing to do with you, you get the crumbs of time when I get home late.

Give him props.. He told you right away however yes it should continue online. She's out if order

He isn’t being professional. Hanging around chit chatting for 30 mins when the tutoring is over is probably giving Mrs Robinson the wrong idea.

Tutor Woman (TW)

I would just leave your Husband be, and stop telling him what to do. You can't be too ridged when going to someones house, and people end up chatting. The wine woman might just be a chatty and friendly type of person that's all.

I do not think DH will sleep with her (lol) but I am a super anxious person so I will fixate on his timings when he goes there and be panicky when he is which I’d rather not be

This is the issue- your own insecurity.

You need to work on fixing that- whether it's your own self-worth or whatever which is not as it could be.

It seems as if there is an odd dynamic going on in your marriage- him being a bit controlling, saying he doesn't want to talk to you sometimes - and you thinking the worst and imagining he's off for an affair. Is he enjoying making you anxious? Is this a power/ control issue in your relationship?

Maybe you should try some counselling for yourself?

I would expect my OH to tell me. We would then joke about it. I'd have no worries, affairs are a two way street. I trust my OH and he would tell me because starting an affair, especially with a customer would be the last thing on his mind.

So many threads about husbands not coming straight to their wives about women coming in to them. This exactly why. They get grief for doing so.

@sonjadog

I don´t really see the problem here. Is it that he isn´t able to say no to people? There will always be people who are attracted to our mates or ourselves. Most people can just say no if someone tries to take it further.

Agree. I’ve been asked out numerous times in the almost 30 years DH and I’ve been a couple, and so has he. I’d probably only think to even mention it if it was funny/particularly problematic/ awkward. None of them ever made me consider infidelity.

And it’s possible this was an awkward platonic attempt at establishing a friendship. I became friends with DS’s music teacher in not dissimilar circumstances. Later on I got to know his wife, and DH ended up becoming good friends with him too. We live in different countries now but are still in contact and he was supposed to come and stay until Covid wrecked things.

Lots of women don't explicitly say no when being hit on. They dodge the issue. Why should men be any different?
OP is jealous and / or controlling and doesn't trust her DH, probably due to her issues rather than his.

@deydododatdodontdeydo Single women maybe. But if someone asked a married woman out on a date, surely that married woman would say, sorry I can't, I'm married - or something like that.

How would he feel in the reverse scenario. OK he might not be honest. But thatscwhat you need him to consider.

@AlternativePerspective

DH’s can’t win on here can they?

If he’d said nothing then people would be saying he’s obviously keeping it quiet because he wants to have an affair with this woman. But when he does say something he’s trying to make the OP jealous?

he’s paid to tutor this child. He happens to get on with the child’s mother. There are only a couple of lessons left. I think demanding he go back to online tutoring because you essentially don’t like the fact he speaks to the mother is ridiculous, and a sure way of ensuring that he won’t tell you stuff again in the future.

I agree. So what if she’s interested. He isn’t. He told you all about it.

Do you trust him?