Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone asked DH on a date

115 replies

Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 17:37

DH does private tutoring. He has tutored this one child for a few years now and he used to always spend a bit too long at their house chatting. It always annoyed me as it meant he was home late for things we had planned. With corona it became online and so I had somewhat forgotten about it.

DH has now started tutoring in person again and called me after leaving the woman’s house to say he thinks she asked him on a date. I was confused and asked what he meant, apparently she said they should share a bottle of wine and talk about their lives. He took this to mean as more than platonic.

DH is young - far younger than this woman - and whilst I don’t think anything has ever happened it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know that the woman knows about me and he has mentioned me in messages (“need to check with my wife’s schedule for childcare”) and when the lessons were online we shared a study so I always heard the conversation.

AIBU to be really uncomfortable now? There’s about a month left of tutoring before the child sits her exam. The tutoring went fine whilst it was online so I have asked that he makes an excuse to continue the next 2-3 sessions on there (Covid is an easy excuse).

He thinks I’m totally in the wrong. So who is BU?

OP posts:
Gobbycop · 01/10/2020 20:07

People are giving your husband shit for some reason.

He didn't have to say anything did he? He's been honest.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/10/2020 20:12

I’d text her saying: that’s lovely of you to invite us for drinks! DH is very dond of (your)DS - you’ve done such a great job raising him. It must be hard doing it on your own - you always look so knackered! Xx

Devlesko · 01/10/2020 20:12

I couldn't get worked up about this, if you trust him he'll obviously put her off.
If he's going to cheat you stopping him from visiting the home isn't going to stop him.
My dh teaches and he's still online, no way is he visiting anyone or anyone visiting us.

JinglingHellsBells · 01/10/2020 20:16

I find all of this bizarre @Kaylia76.

I have been a tutor.

As a tutor you set professional boundaries. That doesn't mean you can't discuss your home life a little.

But the point is, you don't trust your H.

Locking him up- ie making him go back to online tutoring- is the same as locking him up!

If he is not interested in this woman, surely he has the wherewithall to tell her to go away (in so many words)?

His body language and responses will tell her all she needs to know.

As a male teacher he must get the attention of girls in school a lot of the time. He will deal with that professionally. This is no different.

In fact it's no different to if he was a plumber, a tree surgeon or a kitchen fitter! Any bloke going into a woman's house may be pounced on by some sad woman looking for an affair.

That's what he needs to deal with!

Original poster
Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 20:38

I suppose I haven’t liked the way DH has responded regarding this. Also a part of me wonders if the woman was just being friendly but he wanted to make it seem like he’s desirable. We’d been moody with each other all day (no real reason why, just getting on each other’s nerves but he still feels the need to call me ALL THE TIME) and so he answered the phone saying “don’t really want to talk to you right now but I think Tutor Woman just asked me on a date” with laughter.

I was irritated and asked him to explain exactly how. I’ve heard him mention me in calls so I found it bizarre. He then explained and I said it made me feel uncomfortable. He then tried making me feel in the wrong for feeling that way. He said he obviously isn’t going to go but that’s it.

I’m not comfortable with him doing tuition back in peoples houses at the mo but he’s in school so I suppose it’s not much different risk wise.

Also due to this extra tutoring he is getting home around 8-9pm every night and I’m working from home. I’m probably a bit lonely and sick of the “you do nothing all day you could clean”

OP posts:
AuntMasha · 01/10/2020 20:41

I don’t think your husband has done anything wrong, nor do I think for one moment he is emotionally involved with this woman. The lack of trust and control doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship, since the husband is going to come across many more single women in the course of his work/life.

I’m rather shocked to see the number of women on here who seem ridiculously suspicious of divorced older single woman. They’re apparently all potential predatory home-wreckers 🤣

Burn those cougar witches with their evil grey hair!

LouiseTrees · 01/10/2020 20:45

@MrsWooster

Tell him to accept the date, get a babysitter, go with him. When you arrive at her house either both gush about how lovely it is of her to offer you some grown-up time to talk about all your lives, or pretend you thought she was coming onto you both as a couple and talk about how refreshing it is to see someone not ashamed about being a swinger. Seriously tho, she’s a cf and your Dh is b.u.
O m g This is brilliant
2bazookas · 01/10/2020 20:46

Sounds like she is up for an affair with him and is trying to work out if he’s interested. He needs to send a clear “No way” signal, which is most easily done by just doing the tutoring online.*

     I agree. It's  purely  about  asserting professional distance.

He's probably misread OP's annoyance towards the woman, as some marital suspicion aimed at himself.

justasking111 · 01/10/2020 20:50

He was at work, he got hit on. I have been hit on at work, never quit my job though was I supposed to? Just make it clear you are not interested always worked for me.

Cantbreathe2020 · 01/10/2020 20:51

@NiceGerbil

Of course YABU

she asked

He said no

What's the problem

Have I missed something

He did not say no
stretchedmarks · 01/10/2020 20:57

He is being naive and needs to put some distance in place, as others have suggested. It is only for a little while longer then, once the tutoring is done, it's over.

However, let's not skip over the fact this woman openly hit on a married man. It's bloody grim and no wonder you feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, as I'm sure many of us have experienced at least once in our lives, some women are a different breed. It's a real shame people still insist on acting like a randy teenager well into adulthood. Wouldn't be for me.

KunekuneKristmasCake · 01/10/2020 20:59

He sounds like a bit of an arse really

Original poster
Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 21:02

I’ll be honest - I’m not angry at the woman as I don’t know that she actually wanted a date or that he’s not taken it the wrong way. He has said he found it weird.

I’m annoyed that he, as the married party, has ignored me when I thought she had a crush on him ages ago. I’m annoyed at how he handled it. If he said “sorry unfortunately I can’t be friends with parents but let me know how Daughter gets on” or something obvious, then it would be fine. He allowed it and has not made her think otherwise. I also dislike that he’s gone straight to accusing me of being jealous / thinking he’s having an affair and that he “wishes he didn’t tell me” when all ive asked (he has only just got home so I know what I’ve said verbatim as by text) is that he reconsiders the situation and how he can make sure I don’t feel uncomfortable.

He won’t go online so I might see if he decides to make an effort not to overstay

OP posts:
BrummyMum1 · 01/10/2020 21:07

I work in a very male dominated profession. If my DH instructed me to work remotely every time a guy said something overly familiar or inappropriate to me then I’d feel pretty pissed off. Let him deal with the situation like an adult.

seayork2020 · 01/10/2020 21:11

He is male whatever he does will be wrong, it is up to you op but if was going to cheat would being jealous stop that?

daisychain01 · 01/10/2020 21:11

@Kaylia76

Nooo I don’t think they’re having an affair! I do think he enjoys the attention though and is too friendly.
Absolutely.

When I read your OP I thought "hmmm ... mentionitis"

1dayatatime · 01/10/2020 21:19

@MrsWooster - brilliant- I love how your mind works !!! 🤣

Frauhubert · 01/10/2020 21:24

I have been asked on dates a hundred times. I wouldn’t give up my income every time someone offered me some wine. Yeah, she probably fancies him. Count yourself lucky that you have an attractive husband 😀

JinglingHellsBells · 01/10/2020 21:27

Op FWIW some tutors do become friends with the parents especially if the tutoring has been long term and for years. That's not odd at all. But it's usually mum to mum, not mum to male tutor, or female tutor to dad.

I think the tutoring and this parent are red herrings- sounds as if there are issues of trust in your marriage anyway and this is a peg to hang them on and for him to wind you up.

UniversalAunt · 01/10/2020 21:49

He is certainly naive- his day job hinges on his ability to manage relationships & clear cut professional boundaries. As a private tutor is reputation is a precious asset.

So a few red flags for me. Why does this child need his tutoring over such an extended period? Surely, they must grasp the principles of the subjects by now.

My hunch is that this tutoring has been an indulgence & quasi-social for TW for some time. The dithering at end of session for chit-chat/polite pleasantries once in a while is one thing, but on a regular basis AND letting you down is something else. That you have spoken about this & he has brushed you off is another red flag. Now the invitation to dally a while with alcohol in the mix to talk about more personal matters is a monster red flag.

Your OH is drifting into a situation where his professional reputation is at risk - TW scorned/local gossips etc - and more importantly he is dicing with the stability of your marriage. I think that your OH has been giving mixed messages whilst on the job & TW is looking to tighten her grip before the end of tutor term is due.

Thought experiment: were the relationship not about TW, but with alcohol or gambling (e.g. he lets you down, deflates your concerns & blusters), then the message to cut it out would be clearer. But

He’s carrying on because he wants to, he thinks that he is hiding in plain sight & that he is in control of the situation. The idea that you or A.N. Other can see the train hurtling down the tunnel offers a reality check, hence his absurd deflections about you being jealous.
His comments about you & to you are not on.

UniversalAunt · 01/10/2020 21:51

‘ Let him deal with the situation like an adult.’..I agree.

Original poster
Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 23:32

@UniversalAunt it’s to get into a school, very common around here so not an abnormal amount of time. A lot of his clients are like this - average 2 years of tuition. Elitism at its finest.

What does TW mean?
I think it’s all around the disrespect and that this is another example of it so you’re probably right about the red herring.

I do not think DH will sleep with her (lol) but I am a super anxious person so I will fixate on his timings when he goes there and be panicky when he is which I’d rather not be

OP posts:
Greydove28 · 01/10/2020 23:37

@MrsWooster

Tell him to accept the date, get a babysitter, go with him. When you arrive at her house either both gush about how lovely it is of her to offer you some grown-up time to talk about all your lives, or pretend you thought she was coming onto you both as a couple and talk about how refreshing it is to see someone not ashamed about being a swinger. Seriously tho, she’s a cf and your Dh is b.u.
I love this idea so much!!!
SandyY2K · 01/10/2020 23:44

So if I could trust that he would leave on time and not chit chat then I’d let him carry on.

This sounds too controlling. "Let him*

SandyY2K · 02/10/2020 00:01

so he answered the phone saying “don’t really want to talk to you right now but I think Tutor Woman just asked me on a date” with laughter.

I think he read more into this tbh.

I've had tutors in my house before and sometimes we do chat after the tuition session.

We've talked about holidays and such things. I don't see a problem with that, as it's being friendly...but when your DH leaves you in the snow, preferring to have a chat....I would be furious.

From your last update, I see that other things have annoyed you...such as him hinting about the cleaning. I would ignore him...but you also need to stop timing his return time. That would piss me off if my DH was wanting me to account for 20/30 minutes of my time.