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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone asked DH on a date

115 replies

Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 17:37

DH does private tutoring. He has tutored this one child for a few years now and he used to always spend a bit too long at their house chatting. It always annoyed me as it meant he was home late for things we had planned. With corona it became online and so I had somewhat forgotten about it.

DH has now started tutoring in person again and called me after leaving the woman’s house to say he thinks she asked him on a date. I was confused and asked what he meant, apparently she said they should share a bottle of wine and talk about their lives. He took this to mean as more than platonic.

DH is young - far younger than this woman - and whilst I don’t think anything has ever happened it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know that the woman knows about me and he has mentioned me in messages (“need to check with my wife’s schedule for childcare”) and when the lessons were online we shared a study so I always heard the conversation.

AIBU to be really uncomfortable now? There’s about a month left of tutoring before the child sits her exam. The tutoring went fine whilst it was online so I have asked that he makes an excuse to continue the next 2-3 sessions on there (Covid is an easy excuse).

He thinks I’m totally in the wrong. So who is BU?

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 01/10/2020 18:07

There are ethical reasons why it would be better that he goes back to online teaching. It could compromise him if she flips this back on him and accuses him of coming on to her, being inappropriate and it could become deeply unpleasant for your dh. What if she files a complaint with the agency/police, posts awful reviews which might mean he will never work again? He should should absolutely be giving her a very wide berth from now on.

For his own protection dh needs to switch back to on line teaching, and then stop contact when the child has finished.

On a positive note it is good that dh told you straight away, and I would not feel too worried as long as he takes measures to protect himself from her now.

Certain types of women that make strong passes at married men will think nothing of ruining his reputation and marriage, dh should be very careful!

Crunched · 01/10/2020 18:07

The fact he told you about the inappropriate suggestion illustrates that he sees you both as a united front.
I love MrsWoosters suggestion but in reality he needs to carry on and complete his arrangement. If the woman continues with social invites he needs to make it clear theirs is a purely professional relationship.

DamitJanet · 01/10/2020 18:08

Just let him get on and do his job. Sounds like he’s been perfectly upfront with you, professional when he’s there so just trust him to carry on and get the child through to their exam in a professional way.

AlternativePerspective · 01/10/2020 18:09

DH’s can’t win on here can they?

If he’d said nothing then people would be saying he’s obviously keeping it quiet because he wants to have an affair with this woman. But when he does say something he’s trying to make the OP jealous? Hmm

he’s paid to tutor this child. He happens to get on with the child’s mother. There are only a couple of lessons left. I think demanding he go back to online tutoring because you essentially don’t like the fact he speaks to the mother is ridiculous, and a sure way of ensuring that he won’t tell you stuff again in the future.

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:09

Christ mumsnet is so y’all don’t look a ma man
@MrsWooster dishing the daft advice. Yes make a day of it take the mil too
He’s an adult man capable of saying no. It’s a bit sleazy that the woman asked, but he’s not in wrong for disclosing to his wife

AltoCation · 01/10/2020 18:10

He chose to tell you she had come on to him so he probably isn't having an affair.

I think you need to be very clear to him that he MUST be very business-like, do the tutoring, briskly confirm the time for the next session and leave. And that his lingering around chatting has probably given her the wrong impression and he needs to not mislead her.

Tell him if he lingers after the session again you will call her and tell her to lay off. (I would never actually do that but it should scare him).

DamitJanet · 01/10/2020 18:10

This woman has (possibly) made a low key pass at him and been brushed off, there’s no suggestion that she will do it again/not take no for an answer yet she’s now being described as unhinged and possibly a ‘certain type of woman’??

cansu · 01/10/2020 18:11

He told you. He obviously said no. I am not seeing the issue really!

QuentinInQuarantino · 01/10/2020 18:12

I do tutoring and if I went online every time a dad gave me the come on I'd never leave the house. Also, online is nothing like as good as the real thing, so unless he's uncomfortable then I can see why he'd want to stay working there. I think YABU, sorry.

Friendsoftheearth · 01/10/2020 18:12

dam how many great women do you know that knowingly hit on married men with children?? Seriously,

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:15

Plenty married men with kids are ugly fuckers.not all women desire mr mcmarried
Married with kids does equate to desirable

ChaChaCha2012 · 01/10/2020 18:16

then I’d let him carry on

Not your choice, he's an adult. You don't get to dictate what he can and cannot do, nor how he conducts his tutorials. It would be very unprofessional to revert to online tutoring now.

oakleaffy · 01/10/2020 18:17

@Kaylia76

Be aware...Much younger husbands can and do get seduced by much older women.

It happened to me...We were in our 20's...She was in her 40's.

My ex husband was also a tutor. He taught in schools... he made jokes about this woman, but because of the age gap, I thought nothing of it.

But she managed to lure him in. I think she flattered him. Lots.

She invited him over to her house for drinks ....

Beware, beware, beware.

Another friend worked for a much older woman, and she was forever buying him little gifts, including for his wife..

She bought them a stick of rocks each, from the seaside, and was henceforth referred to as ''The Rock Woman'' by his wife.

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:21

Her Age is a irrelevance.
Men are not possessions to be stolen away. they’re not enticed they leave of own free will
Men & Women of all ages are capable of infidelity

iklboo · 01/10/2020 18:21

@SentientAndCognisant - I rather get the impression @MrsWooster was taking the piss rather than handing out sage marital advice.

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:22

In that case the mil can step down from readiness,unbook the babysitter

Staffy1 · 01/10/2020 18:24

It's only 2 - 3 sessions, and it's unlikely that there will be any misbehaving, it's not like he's hiding anything from you.

WiserOwl · 01/10/2020 18:24

He shouldnt be giving her reason to think that sharing a bottle of wine would be welcome suggestion.
Id hesitate to suggest that to a single man tbh.

NiceGerbil · 01/10/2020 18:25

Of course YABU

she asked

He said no

What's the problem

Have I missed something

WiserOwl · 01/10/2020 18:26

So many younger men think oh this will be exciting because it can never be "a thing"

Potterpotterpotter · 01/10/2020 18:26

He clearly fancies her back if he’s spending a extra half hour there after the tutoring has finished...

MeridianB · 01/10/2020 18:27

He should behave professionally and that includes not encouraging any behaviour or expectation that doesn’t relate to his role.

He should also behave reasonably and that includes not staying to chat to someone when his wife has asked him not to, quite apart from leaving her in the snow.

I reckon he loves the attention and feels defying your wishes is part of being a big man. Only you know how this latest development fits into the bigger picture of your relationship. Personally, it sounds like he is being a twat!

Tiktaktoe · 01/10/2020 18:28

If you don't trust your husband enough to doubt he can just say no to going on a date with a woman you have bigger fish to fry!
My husband regularly gets hit on, I cringe for the women because it is tough to be turned down.
Do I think that he should no longer do his job in case it happens again? Eh.. No because he is a grown adult who is capable of saying and meaning No.

sonjadog · 01/10/2020 18:28

I don´t really see the problem here. Is it that he isn´t able to say no to people? There will always be people who are attracted to our mates or ourselves. Most people can just say no if someone tries to take it further.

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:28

Re-read your won post @wiser. Change the gender,say it about a woman
Smacks of he asked for it/it’s his fault/led him on