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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone asked DH on a date

115 replies

Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 17:37

DH does private tutoring. He has tutored this one child for a few years now and he used to always spend a bit too long at their house chatting. It always annoyed me as it meant he was home late for things we had planned. With corona it became online and so I had somewhat forgotten about it.

DH has now started tutoring in person again and called me after leaving the woman’s house to say he thinks she asked him on a date. I was confused and asked what he meant, apparently she said they should share a bottle of wine and talk about their lives. He took this to mean as more than platonic.

DH is young - far younger than this woman - and whilst I don’t think anything has ever happened it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know that the woman knows about me and he has mentioned me in messages (“need to check with my wife’s schedule for childcare”) and when the lessons were online we shared a study so I always heard the conversation.

AIBU to be really uncomfortable now? There’s about a month left of tutoring before the child sits her exam. The tutoring went fine whilst it was online so I have asked that he makes an excuse to continue the next 2-3 sessions on there (Covid is an easy excuse).

He thinks I’m totally in the wrong. So who is BU?

OP posts:
Nenevalleysigns · 01/10/2020 18:30

Yes she’s angling for more. Otherwise she’d invite both of you.

May have to be careful. If the woman is let down too strongly by your husband , imagine if she’s the vindictive kind....Next thing you know your husband could lose his DBS if the woman complains he has been inappropriate in a childcare setting. Some women are capable of heinous vindictiveness.

Good luck.

Original poster
Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 18:31

@NiceGerbil he didn’t say no

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 01/10/2020 18:34

I'm cynical. Has he told you as a cover because something is going on?

This is all about how he responds to your feelings. If he is a dick about it then that is a problem.

Mummadeeze · 01/10/2020 18:34

Some people are just chatty. It is all about context. She might even have been joking. It does sound to me like you are getting a bit het up about nothing.

Original poster
Kaylia76 · 01/10/2020 18:34

The problem to me is that this woman knows a lot about our lives, our house moves, our children etc, and has still asked this, and that DH called me laughing to tell me.

He didn’t tell her no or that it was unprofessional, he carried on the conversation.

I’d be surprised if he had an affair with her, she isn’t attractive or his type but that isn’t the point. I feel disrespected and it’s a recurring theme.

He is a teacher by day, this is for extra money (that we don’t need - it’s for his extra spending money I guess)

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 01/10/2020 18:35

@Kaylia76

Nooo I don’t think they’re having an affair! I do think he enjoys the attention though and is too friendly.
Exactly what my husband was like! ....They married, divorced, after trying to conceive ..her existing children weren't that much younger than him.

I bet he is loving it . My ex pretended to be the 'innocent party' ..Oh look! she has invited me to her house.... he told me....

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:36

Re-read your post @MeridianB
He should also behave reasonably and that includes not staying to chat to someone when his wife has asked him not to
Change the gender,imagine a man telling his wife his wife who she can/cannot talk to. Mn would be recommending the freedom programme if that were woman posting “I’m a tutor I need to be friendly but my husband said to stop”

MeridianB · 01/10/2020 18:37

Thinking about this, has she been warming up to this and asked now because your DH is finishing soon she is upping the ante.

It’s really gross of her to be doing this with her child’s married tutor!

oakleaffy · 01/10/2020 18:38

@Kaylia76
The older woman was FAR from attractive... Grey hair, skinny in a smoker-ish sort of way, and very un glamorous.

More like a mum .. He said ''We were practicing our arpeggios together''

🤔

''Practicing Arpeggios.''

= Having a crafty shag.

Spiderbaby8 · 01/10/2020 18:39

I think if he was going to do something he wouldn't have told you it happened. The fact that he is being open about it seems a good thing and giving him shit for being truthful seems counterproductive.

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:40

@Kaylia76 your actual problem is your husband,and that he didn’t set a boundary.
As a teacher he’ll be atuned to other people, reaction to him
He needs to not socially discuss your family or moves etc

MeridianB · 01/10/2020 18:40

@SentientAndCognisant

Re-read your post *@MeridianB* He should also behave reasonably and that includes not staying to chat to someone when his wife has asked him not to Change the gender,imagine a man telling his wife his wife who she can/cannot talk to. Mn would be recommending the freedom programme if that were woman posting “I’m a tutor I need to be friendly but my husband said to stop”
This isn’t about gender, it’s about behaviour that is causing concern, letting down a spouse and encouraging/not discouraging someone’s feelings inappropriately.

So, of course a controlling person banning their spouse from doing something with no good reason is appalling. But that is not the situation here - my answer relates to the specifics the OP has shared.

CatSmith · 01/10/2020 18:42

He’s in the wrong, obviously . But I doubt he’ll admit it. Cheating men rarely notice the error of their ways
It’s your move now op.

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 18:43

My observation on his thread is people are trotting out cringy advice that they’d maybe not apply to a woman

Branleuse · 01/10/2020 18:44

I wouldnt insist anything. Im sure he can handle himself professionally.
If you insist he doesnt go there anymore then dont be surprised if he doesnt tell you next time.

Someone you know asking you to have a drink doesnt make them a threat

MrsWooster · 01/10/2020 18:49

[quote iklboo]**@SentientAndCognisant* - I rather get the impression @MrsWooster* was taking the piss rather than handing out sage marital advice. [/quote]
Moi?!? Halo

katy1213 · 01/10/2020 18:50

There's no harm in asking! It's the ones he doesn't even mention you need to worry about.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/10/2020 19:00

"He's clearly loving the attention"

Yeah, just like all those young office girls who get hit on by older men. They love it, really Hmm

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/10/2020 19:03

"I feel disrespected and it’s a recurring theme."
That's the big thing to me. And this really demonstrated the disrespect -

"I’ve confronted him about it before because once it means he was late picking me up in the snow despite him having the car because he fancied a chat - he didn’t stop after that argument so I know this won’t change a thing."
"He didn't stop" Sad - no wonder you feel so disrespected.

Sorry, but I think your husband's an arse. And an arse who doesn't change his ways, so you're likely to continue to feel disrespected.

Sounds like your husband is loving having his ego stroked. But he needs to be a bit cleverer than he is.

@Friendsoftheearth made the point well -

"There are ethical reasons why it would be better that he goes back to online teaching. It could compromise him if she flips this back on him and accuses him of coming on to her, being inappropriate and it could become deeply unpleasant for your dh. What if she files a complaint with the agency/police, posts awful reviews which might mean he will never work again? He should should absolutely be giving her a very wide berth from now on.

For his own protection dh needs to switch back to on line teaching, and then stop contact when the child has finished."

She is used to him stopping and chatting, probably knows he's prioritised her over you ('ooh, wife wasn't happy with me when I got home last week ...'), has become single during the years he's tutored her child - and now with "about a month left of tutoring before the child sits her exam" she's possibly taking the chance to keep him in her life. Maybe she reckons she has nothing to lose by trying. She could indeed feel VERY slighted if he doesn't "share a bottle of wine and talk about their lives". Has he given that possibility ANY thought at all? Because he really should.

Eckhart · 01/10/2020 19:21

So if I could trust that he would leave on time and not chit chat then I’d let him carry on

You don't trust him. Even if he's just having a chit chat.

Either choose to have faith in him, or talk to him about the fact you don't. Try to reach a solution together. This woman is a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem itself.

BeepBoopBop · 01/10/2020 19:44

Perhaps you could call on the assistance of an attractive neighbour to change a lightbulb/open a jammed lock/trap a spider the next time he is out tutoring. Then make a point of telling him that Dishy Dave stopped for a glass of wine and you chatted about your lives... Let him know what it is like on the receiving. Feeling that your partner may be getting hoovered is nothing to do with jealousy - family protection is key here.

Lilymossflower · 01/10/2020 19:45

Imo given the nature of the job (tutor) and the power dynamics from a legal point of view, he should go back to online lessons in this situation for the sake of not bringing potential risk to his job.
And I would say that to a woman tutor too.

And given the bit of backstory you added, I would say there's red flags there from a relationship perspective tbh.

SentientAndCognisant · 01/10/2020 19:47

⬆️*@BeepBoopBop* that’s really batshit advice.Dishy Dave?christ are you a writer for scorcher sun

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/10/2020 20:03

I’d not be happy about that. Ask him why he’s not doing anything to reassure you, what you think should be more important to him than what she does.

WiserOwl · 01/10/2020 20:05

@Kaylia76

Nooo I don’t think they’re having an affair! I do think he enjoys the attention though and is too friendly.
Yes, this, he's enjoying her interest so he has held back on giving her a clearly 'NO' signal.