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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH moving 200 miles away and wants me to do half the driving

114 replies

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 21:13

AIBU to say no? He wants to meet halfway EoW. I don't want to spend 8 hours driving (2 hours each way x 2) every weekend so that he can live in a random part of the country.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 30/09/2020 10:51

Surely he added in fuel costs and driving times into his decision to move away from his dc?either way,he moved away he gets to drive.you didn't have any part in this decision to move,why should you now facilitate it?tell him to move back if he doesn't like it.go to court??😁

Sunnydaysstillhere · 30/09/2020 10:53

Well I doubt he will cough up for a solicitor then will he?

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 10:57

@ftm202020

Well court may say you have to split the travel. We moved about 200 miles away from DSS and the court order states handovers are done half way, as DH's ex wife doesn't drive this is actually done at Waterloo train station every other Friday and Sunday and half the holidays and the court order names the place but does say if both parties agree they can hand over somewhere else. She obviously is responsible for paying for her train fare every other week.
How did the court come to the conclusion that travel should be shared?
OP posts:
shesgonebatshitagain · 30/09/2020 11:39

@ftm202020

Well court may say you have to split the travel. We moved about 200 miles away from DSS and the court order states handovers are done half way, as DH's ex wife doesn't drive this is actually done at Waterloo train station every other Friday and Sunday and half the holidays and the court order names the place but does say if both parties agree they can hand over somewhere else. She obviously is responsible for paying for her train fare every other week.
That decision was made because YOU moved In this case the OP’s ex has decided to relocate hundreds of Miles away so it is up to him to work out how to see his children as he entitled to not the parent left behind actually taking care of them the majority of the time
Bibidy · 30/09/2020 11:45

Just to come at it from another direction, is it actually possible for your ex to do the whole journey at a reasonable time for the kids?

My DP's ex moved away with their kids when they split - not quite as far but over 100 miles away - and they always meet half way. It's partially just to be fair, but also because if my OH had to do the whole journey after work, he wouldn't even be able to reach their house much before 8pm so he'd be getting back with them well past midnight. He changed his working hours to finish earlier and accomodate the pick up and even with that AND meeting halfway they don't get back to his until 8.30/9pm.

I completely understand it's a pain in the arse to do half the drive but it's definitely in the children's best interests to continue a relationship with their dad and also for them to get home with him at a reasonable time, especially as they're fairly young still. Rather than seeing it as a favour to him, could you look at it as making it better for your kids?

Would he agree to every 3rd weekend instead and then it wouldn't be so bad?

Bibidy · 30/09/2020 11:46

That decision was made because YOU moved
In this case the OP’s ex has decided to relocate hundreds of Miles away so it is up to him to work out how to see his children as he entitled to not the parent left behind actually taking care of them the majority of the time*

Umm...but as @ftm202020 says, the court decided the travel must be shared. Ie, the person who didn't move still has to share half. So it's the same.

shesgonebatshitagain · 30/09/2020 11:51

There must be extenuating circumstances then ie the wife not driving or some other reason all parties agreed to this
It is not normal for a court to order the parent left behind to undertake half the travel for contact unless their behaviour is somehow responsible for it

shesgonebatshitagain · 30/09/2020 12:04

@Bibidy

Just to come at it from another direction, is it actually possible for your ex to do the whole journey at a reasonable time for the kids?

My DP's ex moved away with their kids when they split - not quite as far but over 100 miles away - and they always meet half way. It's partially just to be fair, but also because if my OH had to do the whole journey after work, he wouldn't even be able to reach their house much before 8pm so he'd be getting back with them well past midnight. He changed his working hours to finish earlier and accomodate the pick up and even with that AND meeting halfway they don't get back to his until 8.30/9pm.

I completely understand it's a pain in the arse to do half the drive but it's definitely in the children's best interests to continue a relationship with their dad and also for them to get home with him at a reasonable time, especially as they're fairly young still. Rather than seeing it as a favour to him, could you look at it as making it better for your kids?

Would he agree to every 3rd weekend instead and then it wouldn't be so bad?

I think your comment re thinking about what is best for the kids is admirable and I agree.

I fail to see, however, how young children - regardless of how the parents do or don’t split up a 400 mile round trip eow- spending that amount of time travelling on as frequent a basis as being in their best interests at all.

Assuming they are picked up after school then they are going to be exhausted and fall asleep in the car then wake up after hours travelling and be hideous.
They will not see their friends Or if they have any hobbies ,/ classes such as sports, swimming etc they are out of the window
They will have their homework to do
Then another four drive back home which swallows up the Sunday

It is incredibly selfish to shuttle them backwards and forwards like this. If this counties I would vote with my feet as soon as I could as I myself did as a child.

Far better for their father to make provision to come to see them more of the time and be the penetration that helps them live their normal life. Occasionally his new partner and their young child could come and perhaps somewhere all together so they can spend time with three older children.

If they are going for more time in the holidays than a fortnight’s stay in between four hours of driving either way is different.

shesgonebatshitagain · 30/09/2020 12:05

*be the parent not penetration
Jesus

GenderApostate19 · 30/09/2020 12:40

DD’s partner has two kids with his ex wife, she decided to move 80 miles away and didn’t drive (at the time) he had no option but to do the extra driving to be able to have the kids - they have them every weekend so he goes into work an hour early mon-thurs so he can get them from school on Fridays. In 3 years I think the ex-wife has picked them up twice but he still pays the same even though it costs him over £10 a week in petrol.

Bibidy · 30/09/2020 12:41

@shesgonebatshitagain

I do agree in theory but in practice it's not always as clear cut.

For instance, in my case, my DP's ex's family had all moved away so her only tie to the area was DP and his family. When they split she, understandably, wanted to be nearer to her own parents and support network. Her mum is also not very well so she always wanted to be closer to help her out more. My DP has his job and whole family in the original area so he wasn't going to follow his ex to where she moved.

I guess it's a difficult balance to ensure the kids spend enough time with both parents but also don't spend too much time travelling or missing out. In my DP's case, if the kids have birthday parties or sports events to attend, he goes up to them and stays at their home while their mum goes to her parents' for the weekend.

Obviously it's different scenario with OP's ex but there must be a reason he moved to where he did, especially as it seems he still wants to see his children just as much. Perhaps it's the only job he could get or the only one that paid enough to cover his costs or whatever.

So yeah I do agree, ideally parents wouldn't live 100+ miles apart but when that is the case, for whatever reason, things that make it better for the kids are a priority. If each parent does half the journey, they could meet somewhere where the collecting parent can get them some dinner as a break in the car journey. If one is doing the whole way it will be much more arduous for them.

seayork2020 · 30/09/2020 12:47

I would see a solicitor and work it out legally and not rely on the fact that's a male moving so he has to do the all the driving. I presume the is law is that black and white in all cases?

CoronaIsShit · 30/09/2020 12:56

So he is childfree 12 days out of every 14, does no childcare or grunt work for his DC in that time but is expecting you to spend YOUR child free time facilitating his life.

What an absolute disgrace of a father!

Do not facilitate this. Your DC are old enough to understand why.

madcatladyforever · 30/09/2020 12:58

How ridiculous, there are lots of things we'd love to do when we have kids but can't. It's called being a parent.
The sooner he realises this the better.

Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 13:05

So he is childfree 12 days out of every 14, does no childcare or grunt work for his DC in that time but is expecting you to spend YOUR child free time facilitating his life.

This. Tell him that, since during term-time at least, you're on duty running here, there and everywhere for the kids 85% of the time, he can bloody well pull his weight for the 15% he has them by coming to get them.

Ilovecharliecat · 30/09/2020 13:08

So he has the children 2 weekends a month and expects you to spend 16 hours to facilitate this? when you have responsibility for the children for the rest of the month school runs, activities, homework etc . Tel him to go fuck himself the selfish knob

RandomMess · 30/09/2020 13:18

Let him take it to court and in the mean time stand firm. If he takes it to court you will be no worse off and can argue that EOW is not in the DC best interests and that fewer weekend and longer in the holidays is.

If you are no longer doing 50:50 care time to ring up CMS and start a maintenance claim.

Thehop · 30/09/2020 13:19

Nope, his choice to love he does the travelling.

And I’ll tell him for free: his kids won’t want to visit soon.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 30/09/2020 13:21

My ex moved about 100 miles away and did the driving to collect our ds eow. He’s since moved closer again (still maybe an hour away) and I’m guessing that the reality of doing all the travel was part of the reason why.
On the other hand, I moved to the opposite end of the country to my first husband. We split the travel 50/50 but condensed his contact into the holidays, so he had approx 8 weeks a year.
Neither has been easy, and I hope you can find a way forward in your situation OP. Flowers

YoBeaches · 30/09/2020 15:46

@Thehop

Nope, his choice to love he does the travelling.

And I’ll tell him for free: his kids won’t want to visit soon.

Yes this. Totally his problem to solve and he should have considered it before he moved. Any court will stand in your favour.

They are getting old enough to start saying no, when they are missing out on normal weekend activities to sit in a car.

Have you asked them if they mind it?

keeprocking · 30/09/2020 15:55

If you’d moved then fair enough, his move, his choice, he drives

Usual MN hypocrisy! Surely the one who moves does the driving, why should the man be treated worse than the femaile?

Bibidy · 30/09/2020 16:01

I would try as hard as possible to come to an agreement with him outside of court as you can't be sure they will rule in your favour and you could end up in a worse position.

The priority of the court will always be the welfare of the children rather than the convenience of the parents, and I think they would probably be quite likely to rule that you need to do half the travel as (unless your ex doesn't work Fridays) it's unlikely he'd be able to do the whole return journey at a time that's reasonable for a 7 and 10 year old. Also, as he has another child in his household who is a sibling of your children and not seeing him will impact that relationship too.

I would be be pushing to cut him down to every third weekend rather than every other, but I would do half the travel just to make it a better journey and reasonable arrival time for my kids.

Like I said previously, I totally sympathise and know it's such a huge pain in the arse, but it's the only way that your kids get to travel in relative comfort and get to carry on a regular relationship with their dad and their little brother/sister too.

To a PP's suggestion: When they're older maybe they will say they don't want to do it any more/ as often, but at 7 and 10 I think it would be a mistake to draw them into saying whether they still want to go to their dad's or not.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 16:03

@keeprocking

If you’d moved then fair enough, his move, his choice, he drives

Usual MN hypocrisy! Surely the one who moves does the driving, why should the man be treated worse than the femaile?

Eh? HE the one who moved! No sexism here.
HugeAckmansWife · 30/09/2020 16:06

Because its usually the man who is the nrp and moves away. However, its not always as simple as 'who moved'. I, the RP, moved a distance away after ex fucked off with OW and decided only to 'parent' eow. I needed to go where I could afford a house and had support. I do all the day to day grunt work.. Should I also do 50% of the tiny amount of effort he has to make? It wasn't my choice to be a lone parent and I've made hard choices because he put in that position.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 16:14

I think keeprocking for the wrong end of the stick.

To those asking about times, he collects them straight from school on Fridays and brings them home by 7 on Sunday. He's his own boss so takes every other Friday off.

OP posts: