Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH moving 200 miles away and wants me to do half the driving

114 replies

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 21:13

AIBU to say no? He wants to meet halfway EoW. I don't want to spend 8 hours driving (2 hours each way x 2) every weekend so that he can live in a random part of the country.

OP posts:
BentBastard · 30/09/2020 08:28

It is confusing because it could be taken as she is doing the whole journey half the time.

Lochroy · 30/09/2020 08:29

@BentBastard

To be fair, OP confused the issue by explicitly saying two hours each way on the OP

FWIW I agree that if he moves, he does the driving.

How is it confusing?

Two hours is reasonable to travel 100 miles to or from the halfway point x four times per weekend for the OP to go there (halfway) and back for drop off and pick up.

BentBastard · 30/09/2020 08:30

Just explained. Several took it this way so obviously wasn't clear.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 08:35

@Azerothi the reason he's given for moving so far away is because he needed to get away from me because I was stopping him from seeing the DC. I'm not quite sure how that works either... Our first arrangement when he lived locally was that he had them EoW, a couple of weekdays every other week and just under half the holidays, including alternating Christmas. He then moved further away so that was dropped to EoW and half the holidays. Now he's moved even further away.

OP posts:
Firefliess · 30/09/2020 08:51

I'd offer to do half the driving to facilitate a week's visit every school holiday. That's very reasonable and should help ensure the kids keep up a relationship with their dad. (And help you out with holiday childcare) If he wants to see them more than that he'll have to do all the driving/stay locally

Hathertonhariden · 30/09/2020 08:54

I have the same issue. The court order says that he will review his CM in line with government guidelines every year. This has never happened in 10 years despite being with the same employer and his DM bragging about his pay rises. Whenever he whinges about doing all the driving to see DS (once a month visits) I tell him to abide by the court order and we'll discuss it. Oddly enough he stops whingeing.

His choice to move, he drives. He is very happy to drive all over the country for weekends away with friends.

Billben · 30/09/2020 08:57

@Milkshake54

So on your ‘child free’ weekend you have to spend 8 hours driving, but on his he gets to do as he pleases?! 🤨🤨 YANBU!
Exactly this.
NandosPeriometer · 30/09/2020 09:01

My ex did that just after we split but he came to his senses and moved much closer when he saw the reality of the kids getting car sick every week and looking exhausted when they got out of the car. I know that parents live far away sometimes but my kids were only going for weekends and never longer periods like half-term and whole weeks during the school holidays which would be far more reasonable for that length of travel.

MJMG2015 · 30/09/2020 09:02

If you're the poster who had a thread about this before, then seriously, just stop this. Say no to the twat. He chose to move away, he can do the driving AND I'd be telling him they can go, once a month. I wouldn't have my kids in the car for that long EOW. He could take me back to court if he didn't like it 🤷🏻‍♀️

AltoCation · 30/09/2020 09:03

The OP stated that ex moved 200 miles away.
It is obviously not possible to drive 200 miles in 2 hours.
And the OP described her journeys in meeting him halfway.

If it takes 2 hours to drive half way, then another 2 hours the second half that is 4 hours journey for the kids. Each way. 8 hours.

The OP was perfectly clear.

People just didn’t think it through before posting.

OP: it is an impractical arrangement for EOW and I would not be wanting to do this except in exceptional circumstances. In advance if him taking you to court are there other models you could suggest? Less term time contact and more holiday, for longer spells? Long weekends at the beginning and end of all hols and half terms? And does a return trip and He stays locally one weekend each half term? Would probably work out the same as 2 return trips in petrol.

Persephoned · 30/09/2020 09:19

@ExpectTheWorst yes, the children are spending eight hours in a car. The OP is v clear that it takes her two hours to do half the journey, so it’s four hours there and four back for the children to go all the way to their dads and back.

OP, just say no. You are within your rights to.

TwentyViginti · 30/09/2020 09:20

Love it that he sees himself as an 'unpaid babysitter' for his own DC Hmm

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 09:21

@MJMG2015 I haven't posted about it before but I do have another thread running on the line parents board to find out how other people split childcare and arrange contact in these circumstances.

At the moment the DC are happy to go EoW. I was cross last week because they stayed up until 11pm on the Saturday night they were with him and so were shattered on Monday but they're normally ok. Ideally I'd prefer him to stay down here on the weekends he has them rather than dragging them up and down the country but I can't make him do that and he's never been one who's open to suggestions. He also has another toddler with his new wife and I can't see him staying away from them EoW. Obviously it wouldn't be fair to drag a baby all that way. If he keeps moaning then I'll suggest it though.

Meanwhile, I'll stand firm on the no driving position and see him in court if he fancies it.

OP posts:
WoWsers16 · 30/09/2020 09:25

Would he have the kids and refuse to drive them back? That would be something I'd be concerned about? X

Sunnydaysstillhere · 30/09/2020 09:25

Did he pay your fuel costs during lockdown?

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 09:31

@WoWsers16

Would he have the kids and refuse to drive them back? That would be something I'd be concerned about? X
That was another reason for me agreeing to do half the driving during lockdown. He's refused to return them before but only during a school holiday. It's not such a concern at the weekend because they're due at school during the week.

No, he didn't pay my travel expenses and he didn't pay maintenance either as we split the care 50-50.

OP posts:
Pumpkinnose · 30/09/2020 09:33

Honestly you aren’t being unreasonable. He’s certainly not putting the kids first. I’d be getting a court order if he won’t compromise. Maybe he’ll move nearer when he realises he’s doing all the driving.

Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 10:02

It is ridiculous for your DC to spend 8 hours in the car every fortnight. I'd tell him he can only have them once a month and has to do the driving.

EL8888 · 30/09/2020 10:08

It would say no. He moved = he drives. The more you say about him, the more he sounds like a dick

shesgonebatshitagain · 30/09/2020 10:18

@ExpectTheWorst

You absolutely odn't have to do that, but can we jsut get it right - the kids ARE NOT spending 8 hours driving as they get to their dad's = 2 hours and then get brought back = 2 hours. So while that#s not fab, it's also not totally unreasonable imo.

It's him who should be doing the double driving ie 8 hours, as he's the one who moved.

Yes they are. If it takes both parents a two hour drive to meet halfway the children go on two hours first with their mum then go on another two hour drive to complete the first stage of the journey It’s repeated in reverse on the Sunday They are spending fours hours in the car each way That’s eight hours in the car every other weekend Unsustainable
Belladonna12 · 30/09/2020 10:26

You should absolutely refuse. It's not fair on you and it is definitely not fair on your children to do all that travelling every other weekend. He needs to move closer but if that's not possible start putting himself out more to see his children. It was his choice to move away .He can take you to court if he thinks you are not reasonable.

CakeRequired · 30/09/2020 10:34

You're not being unreasonable, but I'd be worried how you'd come across in court because you started doing it and now are refusing to. Speak to a solicitor, hopefully you'll be fine because he should be doing all travelling and you only did this to help him out, but it's best to be sure.

RedRumTheHorse · 30/09/2020 10:35

OP just say "No" and let him take you to Court. Just respond to his first couple of threats by saying "I've already given you an answer and my position hasn't changed", then just ignore him.

Lockdown was a different situation and you can explain that as the children were spending a good deal of time with their father then it made sense for you both to split the driving.

If he takes you to Court it is worth asking for the order to be varied so he spends more of the holidays with them due to the distance your joint children have to travel eow.

Sunny231 · 30/09/2020 10:41

Nope! He’s being unreasonable. Don’t let him guilt you into doing it.

Probably best to let the court lay it out for your own protection and clarity

ftm202020 · 30/09/2020 10:46

Well court may say you have to split the travel. We moved about 200 miles away from DSS and the court order states handovers are done half way, as DH's ex wife doesn't drive this is actually done at Waterloo train station every other Friday and Sunday and half the holidays and the court order names the place but does say if both parties agree they can hand over somewhere else. She obviously is responsible for paying for her train fare every other week.