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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH moving 200 miles away and wants me to do half the driving

114 replies

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 21:13

AIBU to say no? He wants to meet halfway EoW. I don't want to spend 8 hours driving (2 hours each way x 2) every weekend so that he can live in a random part of the country.

OP posts:
Notenoughchocolateomg · 29/09/2020 21:43

ha, threatening to take you to court speil...let him. They will say he has to do the travelling, he chose to move plus you have to do all the mundane day to day childcare so its seen as their share of the dull side of parenting. My ex kept threatening court, unfortunately for him I actually wanted him to take me as I knew he was being the unreasonable one. Eventually he did after I kept telling him I wanted him to. It did not go as he planned at all. Stand firm op

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/09/2020 21:53

My ex has moved 500 miles away to the other end of the country. He's decided to end contact and see our DS "when he's got his own driving licence". DS is 9 Hmm. This move was planned while he took me to court to get contact having abandoned our son for two years previously. Failed to tell the court he was moving and lied through his teeth in order to obtain the order. I've now had to apply for a variation because he's abandoned him again and I don't want the order hanging over our lives for him to use to control us. The court doesn't like this sort of behaviour, your ex hasn't got a leg to stand on with this one. He moved, the travelling is his. Let him stamp his feet. These fucking men Angry

copperoliver · 29/09/2020 21:55

I'd say no. X

MsTSwift · 29/09/2020 21:59

Kids will refuse soon and nearly old enough that their views taken into account

TableFlowerss · 29/09/2020 22:04

He moves - he drives!

SunshineCake · 29/09/2020 22:06

@ivykaty44

Explain that you’ll try it but if it’s to much travelling and takes up to much time then you won’t be able to.

Let him then sort out

What can he do if you refuse?

Why does she need to try it? She knows how far it is so can work it out how long it will take Hmm.
stovetopespresso · 29/09/2020 22:30

@SunshineCake I think it was a suggestion to make the issue less pressing and let things take their course naturally and let him see what needs to be done

Shizzlestix · 29/09/2020 22:32

Plus she did it throughout lockdown.

He can jack right off, OP, it’s his problem, not yours. Don’t let him pull these ridiculous claims of it’s damaging his mh. Maybe he shouldn’t have moved away then!

Firefliess · 29/09/2020 22:47

Depends what'll happen if you refuse and which is you would mind most if he didn't see the kids except in the holidays. If that doesn't bother you (or you're confident that it would bother him) then you can simply say that you're finding it too hard and can't do it any more. Suggest he sees them for a week at half term and in other holidays instead maybe. If, however you think he'd drop seeing them and you really don't want that (or it'll screw up your own social life) then you're caught between a rock and a hard place.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 07:50

He did 'threaten' to not have the DC at all if I wouldn't share the driving. Ok then? That lasted all of one weekend before he magnanimously decided that it wasn't in the children's best interests to never see their father and he would resume contact, to the 'great detriment' of his mental and physical health.

It's no skin off my nose if I have the DC full time. I do 100% of the boring day-to-day admin and running around so having 100% of the fun time would be quite nice. He doesn't even empty their lunch boxes over the weekend so I get to pick out the rotting apple cores and slimy yoghurt tubes when they get home on Sunday evening Hmm However, he's accused me of seeing him as an unpaid babysitter every other weekend so clearly thought I would be begging for him to take them off my hands.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 30/09/2020 07:52

[quote SeasonallySnowyPeasant]@Howlooseisyourgoose I drove halfway during lockdown.

Good to know he hasn't got a leg to stand on court-wise. He's accusing me of wrecking his mental health by refusing to do this.[/quote]
You've created a precedent though. Why did you do this??

Azerothi · 30/09/2020 07:53

Why doesn't he want to live near his children? Why has he moved?

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 07:58

@CodenameVillanelle I did it because 1) he was furloughed and said he couldn't afford the petrol; 2) we split the lockdown childcare 50-50; 3) in March I thought it would probably be over by May half term; and 4) I was starting a new job that would have been an absolute nightmare to do while attempting to homeschool the DC so it was easier to just agree on the driving and have a consistent arrangement.

I'd argue it was an extreme and 1-off situation though rather than setting a precedent.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 08:01

@Azerothi we don't talk so I can only speculate. From what I can work out, he burned all his bridges with the local employers within his industry. He's a salesman though so it's not like sales jobs only exist in his chosen location.

OP posts:
ExpectTheWorst · 30/09/2020 08:04

You absolutely odn't have to do that, but can we jsut get it right - the kids ARE NOT spending 8 hours driving as they get to their dad's = 2 hours and then get brought back = 2 hours.
So while that#s not fab, it's also not totally unreasonable imo.

It's him who should be doing the double driving ie 8 hours, as he's the one who moved.

Lollypop4 · 30/09/2020 08:10

I meet half way, it a 2hr 30 round trip, I moved away after seperation.
But due to EXH work hrs, he only has DC every 3rd weekend.
But I would'nt spend 8 hrs driving eow.
I hope he sees sense in how selfish he is, maybe look at starting your own court pro eedings.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/09/2020 08:12

If he lives 200 miles away I hope it takes longer than 2 hours to get there!

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 08:13

It's a 4-hour trip each way in reasonable traffic. I've only done it in less when I drove all the way up there at 5am one morning.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 30/09/2020 08:13

He moved, he can drive.

AngelicInnocent · 30/09/2020 08:13

The DC are doing 4 hours each way. Over the weekend, that is 8 hours.

He is doing 16 hours in total over the weekend, 4 hours each way x 2 (pick up and drop off).

I would let him take me to court OP. He probably won't, he'll just moan at everyone that you are trying to stop him seeing the DC.

LilyLongJohn · 30/09/2020 08:18

Let him take you to court op. He's being completely unreasonable and not looking at what's in the best interests of the dc. A court will see this too.

SpilltheTea · 30/09/2020 08:18

What a useless whinger. I'd tell him to jog on to court then.

Phineyj · 30/09/2020 08:20

I think it would be better to go for chunks of school holidays until the DC are old enough to get the train (if practical and they want). And no you should not drive. You did more than enough. He could stay nearby as a PP suggested. There are solutions but he needs to come up with them.

BentBastard · 30/09/2020 08:20

To be fair, OP confused the issue by explicitly saying two hours each way on the OP

FWIW I agree that if he moves, he does the driving.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/09/2020 08:22

@BentBastard

To be fair, OP confused the issue by explicitly saying two hours each way on the OP

FWIW I agree that if he moves, he does the driving.

Two hours each way for her, to drive half the way. It's not confused.
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