To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

@Marmunia1975

Personally I roll my eyes when I hear people boasting about what a martyr they are both at work and home. 59 hour work week as the norm?! Sounds like a miserable way to spend your time.

I pay for everything to do with the kids, birthdays, xmas, clothes, uniform, school dinners, clubs etc. Plus I pay for all of my own stuff, car, insurance, TV licence etc. He earns 2.5 times what I earn.

I don't understand why some people have families and children in the first place. I earn money so we all can have a comfortable life and my children can have whatever they need. If I wanted to keep all my cash for myself, I would not have gotten married and had children.

Oh and OP, I earn 6 figures and DH was a SAHD. He has always had full access to all our money and the right to spend it as he pleases. Because we're a family.

Why do you feel you don't need to make a financial contribution to your family or keep your financial independence

With what?

Even if Camobag were to get a job what ever she earned would go in childcare and she would probably end up worse off.

The question is why does the husband feel he doesn’t have to make a contribution in time to look after his own children

Do you think after paying for childcare and expenses of getting herself to and from work and all the other multitude of expenses that come with small children, what ever is left she should just give to him to help pay the bills that he is already paying.

Is then the husband going to take equal time off for childhood illnesses, is he going to do his share of pick ups and drop offs to nursery/school

Is he going to do his half of the laundry/cleaning/cooking.

Is he going to do his half of the drop offs and pick ups from ECAs

Camobag contributes in time. If she didn’t it would cost a lot more than the £600 per month he gives her.

And if she did contribute would he then open his bank account to divide their earnings equally after bills.

Ask yourself this could he earn that money if you didn't do the things you do like look after the child and the house etc? Look for something part time if you feel you need to be doing something. Personally I have always worked part time since before had kids until recently went full time. Do what's best for you.

Ask yourself this could he earn that money if you didn't do the things you do like look after the child and the house etc?
Unless his job takes him away from home regularly, why couldn't he?

There are quite a few single mums in high level jobs. They manage it on their own. Doing only half would be a bliss.

Why assuming that a man couldn't?

@FortniteBoysMum

Ask yourself this could he earn that money if you didn't do the things you do like look after the child and the house etc? Look for something part time if you feel you need to be doing something. Personally I have always worked part time since before had kids until recently went full time. Do what's best for you.

To be fair yes, plenty do, he just would use paid child care Ie a live in nanny etc, but she would be responsible for the kids half the time unless he took up full custody

So the answer is yes, of course he could. Millions of dual working parents or single working parents. I think we all know you don’t need someone at home full time to be able to do it. You just need reliable paid for child care.

One point has only come up a couple of times here I think but it is important - claim your child benefit. I do and my DH has to pay it back in tax. Moans a bit about the hassle of Tax self-assessment but I am insistent as first I am entitled to it and second it is important when it comes to national insurance contributions and future state pension. Claim it now.

Bluntness100

I am hazarding a guess that a live in Nanny, cleaner, cook, bottle washer and taxi service would cost a damn site more than £600 per month

Still not getting where it says you have to pay your child benefit back

Maray1967

I am thinking that even if she claimed CB her husband would reduce the amount she was paid and take off the tax he would pay on it.

Why does your husband seem to think the children are your responsibility and not his? If you were both working out of the home then it would be both your responsibility to fund, sort and organise childcare. You are both equally their parents with equal responsibility for them, yet your husband seems to think it’s just you.

You sound like a slave to me the only difference is the children have your dna as well which is the rub.

Is this a cultural thing are you caught up in that @Camobag

Tell your husband you’re getting a job as a paid cleaner, housekeeper and nanny for your family and you need to be paid market rate as of now!

@Maray1967

One point has only come up a couple of times here I think but it is important - claim your child benefit. I do and my DH has to pay it back in tax. Moans a bit about the hassle of Tax self-assessment but I am insistent as first I am entitled to it and second it is important when it comes to national insurance contributions and future state pension. Claim it now.

Maray1967 why does it affect NI and pension??

I'm a SAHM, my DH earns a bit more than you and I have no financial constraints. The other day I said to DH I need to spend a bit of money as I need a new proper outdoor waterproof coat. He asked what I was thinking of getting and when I said I like the look of Joules one for about £120 he was like 'er, why are you even asking me then? I thought you meant you wanted a new £300 Barbour. Either way is fine'
He trusts me to be sensible with money so I am. He respects that I work bloody hard looking after our two children so we don't spend £40k a year having them in daycare.
So it sounds like you DH has been treating you as free labour to raise him children, allowing him to climb the career ladder and make lots of money.
Do you have savings in your name?
DH protects me financially by paying into a pension for me, and also paying savings into my name (which is pure savings- any money I spend on anything goes on a bank card for which he is the main account holder and he pays off in full every month).

No, I don't think they are lazy at all! My DH prefers me to stay at home bc it makes HIS life easier, and it's better for the kids, and he can see that I'm much happier being at home too. It's just all around less stress. Am I lazy? My day seems to go like this, really not a lot of down time.

My typical day:
7am - wake kids up, breakfast, get ready for school, pack snacks, etc.
8am - walk kids to school
9-1145am- have breakfast, do dishes, vacuum and clean up the tornado that is left behind from the morning. Laundry. Make beds. Shower. Sometimes meet friends for coffee. Do any chores/admin/cleaning that needs to be done.
12pm - pick up little one from nursery & feed her lunch
1pm - play dates/park/activities with little one. Sometimes she naps & I watch tv but usually we are doing stuff.

3pm - walk over to pick up the older kids from school
4pm - homework, help with dinner prep, etc. (DH cooks most nights but I do the shops & clean up afterwards)
5/6pm - family dinner (2nights a week DH takes older kids to their sports)
7pm - baths/reading/bedtimes
8pm - all kids in bed, glass of wine & tv time with DH. Usually folding laundry too.
10pm - bedtime
It doesn't seem like a lazy life of luxury! I do a lot but my DH also coaches the kids sports team, does all the gardening and does school drop offs/pick ups a few times a week whenever his schedule allows. I think it's a good system for now. I don't feel spoiled or lazy but am grateful to be home and less stressed than I was before when I was working a demanding job.

OP this is financial abuse.
£600 is nothing a month; he is taking home over £6000 p/m.
You need him to up this to at least £1500 based on him paying all the bills and him buying food.
You should have your own card and credit card linked to his account.

You need to be savvy here, first as others have said you need to know what he net worth is. House valued, copy of pensions, pay-slips.
He is treating you like a 2nd class citizen.

@IceSkater Wow. As a working mum, I got tired just reading that!!!!

as for me

9am - work
4pm - back home (house cleaned, food cooked by nanny)
5pm - 1 hour rest with DS
6PM - Dinner
6.30-8pm - quality time with DS and his bedtime.
8pm to 11pm - leisure.

Guess who's schedule is 'lazy'

The lazy thing is irrelevant. Even if you were a 'lazy' sahm, the intrinsic value of a sahp is their presence negating the need for paid childcare.

Having a nanny probably helps @Mella91. If I had someone to do the housework etc I'd be very happy . Its not a competition between anyone, everyone will have different experiences and find different elements more challenging- personally I find working full time and doing everything around the house as DH is often away a lot more tiring than if I didn't work and had all day at home, even with playing with DS and keeping him entertained; but others would find the opposite.

@kindereggs

So it's not really family money is it and he's giving you pocket money like a child.

How much spending money does he get each month in comparison to you?
Would I be right to guess "your allowance" is supposed to cover DCs too?

This...... Is it 1950 again?

DH has always earned less than me, until recently when I've taken a career break of such.

We always try to split stuff evenly and to be fair; same amount of cash into joint account and to run the house/pay bills but I'd always have picked up more lunches out, presents for DD/ car maintenance, insurance etc.

I could cry for you op!!! He can only do his high earning job because you are there to do all the children stuff...your contribution is vital. You are partners and should be treated as such!

No, they are not lazy, they just have a different set of priorities.

They also have decent husbands, who treat money as joint money and don't restrict their wives financially as they appreciate the extra attention their wives can give to them and their children, for a limited time while they are young.

To answer the “ lazy” question, no, I don’t think SAHP are automatically lazy and some working parents can be lazy! One of DH’s former colleagues was incredibly lazy, she literally played games on her computer most of the day and every time she had to do an update on the project she was supposedly working on, she’d show the same set of slides...because she’s never made any progress! DH was astonished that she managed to keep her job.

Anyway, it’s never wise to make assumptions about people, SAHP’s can be involved in all sorts of things.