Potentially toxic in-laws?

[MazMcG]

So, I used to have a very healthy relationship with my soon to be in-laws. Until recently when my partner and I temporarily moved in with them as our house is being renovated. We have a 2 month old son together, and my partners parents are very helpful with him, and like to help out which is wonderful!

However, there have been some worrying comments made about both myself and my partner since the baby was born. For the first 10 days of my sons life I was suffering very badly with anxiety and felt extremely uncomfortable with other people holding him. I forced myself to allow his grandparents to hold him, as I didn't think it was fair to stop them, especially given that we're staying with them. However, his sister and her husband came up a few times to visit, and I allowed them to hold the baby once they sanitized their hands, and put masks on due to the pandemic. Then one day his sister was leaning over the baby with no mask on and was about to lift him when I asked her to put her mask on. After this I told his mother that I was no longer comfortable with his sister holding the baby due to the pandemic, and that when they visited it would only be people in the household that would hold him. She stormed out of the room and didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening. Then the next day my son was brought into the hospital due to jaundice and kept overnight, when we got home his mother was still not speaking to me, and I kept my distance from her. My partner was downstairs with them when an argument erupted, which resulted in my partners mother telling her husband "I told you not to get too close to the baby because we'll probably never see him", this was clearly due to my anxiety and the fact that I was quite clingy with my son (not that I ever stopped them holding him". I thought that this was a very hurtful comment to make, as I never considered stopping them from seeing their grandson, I had no reason to! Despite the fact that I wasn't involved in the argument, the next morning his mother started offering everyone toast, buns, and tea, apart from me for some reason.

Recently my partners mother made a comment to me about our dog being more important to him than his own son (because he likes to have the dog around, despite how they feel about animals and babies living in the same house).

Another situation was when my partners mother bought our son a sleeping bag and told us to use it, when I explained that we preferred the swaddle as it helps him sleep really well, she stormed out into the kitchen and began giving off to her husband about me not wanting to use the sleeping bag she got us.

The worst situation happened a few weeks ago when my partner began to struggle with his mental health. I tried to talk to his parents about how he was feeling and they said he needs to start looking at the positives in his life to help him feel better, when I explained that this isn't how depression works, they didn't seem to comprehend what I was trying to say, so I gave up trying. Then about 2 weeks ago my partner made a comment to me saying that he thought it would be better it he wasn't here anymore. I decided that his parents needed to know this and told them. His dad made a joke about how "when he says he doesn't want to be here anymore, he means living with us, he wants to be in his own house", and then proceeded to say that when you have a child you can't worry about yourself anymore, and that my partner needs to grow up.

I had to leave the room and I was fuming at this comment. Then the topic was brought up again a few days ago by his mother to me, and I told her that the comment her husband made really upset me, and she said that what I said really upset her husband, she then indicated that I was disrespectful for saying what I said about him not wanting to be here anymore. She said it was hard to hear. I started to cry and told them that dealing with a new baby and a partner who is depressed was taking it's toll and that I needed help, as I can't be the only one trying to help him.

Since I told them about his mental health being poor, neither of them have spoken to him to ask him how he is, and his father hasn't once asked me for an update on his sons mental health.

I do understand that hearing that about your son would be very hard to hear, but it wasn't easy for me to hear either.

Am I being unreasonable to think that these people are toxic?

I think they probably "mean well" but they clearly don't get you (or your DH). MH was a taboo in our parents' generation (certainly in my house, so I understand where you're coming from as I was in your DH's shoes with my parents).

I think the difficulty is that they seem to think they know best and it's their way on the highway. It's not usual. What makes it harder is that it's their house and in their minds, their rules. The pandemic, your DH's MH issues, a newborn baby and your understandable anxiety don't help. I'd say DH needs to seek a counsellor and you need to encourage him to do that asap. At least a helpline if he's feeling very low. Is he on meds? He needs to see his GP. That's for you and him to sort out, don't lean on his parents if they don't get it as this will cause you and him more unnecessary stress right now.

Secondly, you are going to move out. This will help a lot. Don't lose sight of that.

Your MIL sounds on a difficult side, it probably would have been sensible not to be too open with her about not using the presents she bought for your baby. Just don't use it, does she need to know? It also depends on how you communicate with her, are you calm and polite or emotional? You need to stay calm and cordial with her for the time being to keep the peace. Then when you move out your contact will be limited so you'll be able to review the position with her.

I think a few things. Don't announce changes in 'policy' if you decide no one else is holding the baby just make it so the next time sister is around she doesn't get the chance. Same with the present, oh thank you so much you're so good, and pop it in a drawer. Find an inane excuse so if you're ever asked you have it- like there's a weight limit on the tag, or it doesn't fit in the modes basket or whatever.
They don't understand mental health, and I'd imagine are comfortable with a head in sand situation. I'd say your FIL couldn't deal with being told his son is suicidal and is happy to pretend you were over reacting. Get him to his GP and maybe see if there's someone you can vent to.

In laws are difficult enough with a new baby and with living together and you have a double whammy. You poor poor thing.

How long until you move out?
I had Covid anxiety with my newborn too. It’s horrid. Make sure people don’t push you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.

Hi, thank you PurplePansy05. My partner is now on meds, and seeking CBT which is great!

The only reason I had to say we wouldn't be using the sleeping bag is because she is always around the baby during bedtime, so she would know if we didn't use it. She is very involved in everything to do with the baby, so it's better to be honest than to lie in that instance. I was definitely polite in the way I said it, as I'm a people pleaser and hate to be disliked, so I know I was polite and respectful.

My post meant to say *not unusual.

Thank you all. The only reason I announced the "change in policy" was because my MIL had a habit and telling me (not asking) to hand my baby over to his sister, so I had to make this clear to avoid an awkward situation where I had to say "No".

I see, OP. I'd just say the baby gets too hot in it, or for the moment you're finding it easier with night feeds to use something else, just something realistic. FWIW, I wouldn't go as far as saying they're toxic based on what you've described, they're very different people to you and more challenging to deal with by the sounds of it.

I don't think they are doing anything wrong. You are anxious and your behaviour/mindset is clouding things perhaps, how you forced yourself to allow anyone to hold your baby etc.

Regarding the mental health, a lot of people don't understand it. It is not easy to hear the things you told them, or to know what to do with it. I say that as someone who's dad killed themself.

Also, they are helping you, you don't agree with their help or want it.

Neron,

So sorry to hear about your father.

You don't think they're doing anything wrong? Even when his mother told her husband not to get too close to his grandson as we would stop them seeing him, simply because I had anxiety? Or when they said my dog was more important to my partner than his own son? Just because they don't understand mental health, doesn't mean they can say whatever they want and carry on being ignorant to it.

They're definitely wrong for heavens sake lol my question was "are they toxic?".

I don't think they're toxic. You're all just having trouble sharing a house at the most difficult of times. New baby...covid...It we never going to be easy.

I agree with the pp who said that you'reissuing opinions and directions that are unnecessarily challenging. You've defended yourself, but it still doesn't make sense.

Rejecting a gift is never going to go well. You say a warm thank you, you put it in a drawer. You use it once and if it gets mentioned again, say the baby got too hot/didn't seem to sleep well, and you'll maybe try it again another time. You hurt her feelings unnecessarily. This sort of honesty is unhelpful and damages relationships. It's not lying to thank someone for a gift you won't use. You don't have to rub their nose in it.

Issuing an instruction about her daughter isn't going to work either. You didn't need to do it. You could let have waited until the baby's aunt next visited,, and when it came to a point where she expected to hold the baby, just say TO HER, not to MIL, "I'm really sorry, but we've decided to stick to the guidance and not have anyone wise hold her. I'm really sad about it but I hope you understand"

Wise= else.

Hi, I didn't actually say that I didn't thank her for the sleeping bag, however, I should have elaborated more on that, apologies.

Basically she told is numerous times to use the sleeping bag and we politely told her that we will use it when he's older as at the moment he likes his swaddle. This was the 3rd time she told us to use the sleeping bag, and this is why I said he likes his swaddle.

No I don't think they are doing or saying anything wrong. You mention again about them not getting too close to the baby, why do you think that is? You don't need to ban anyone from holding your baby, just say you would really like people to wear a mask and sanitise - and that goes for all visitors including your own family. .
You're living in their house, with your child and dog, rejecting their gifts and banning their daughter from holding the baby. You can have a difference of opinion, but some of the behaviour isn't easy for people to understand.

Regarding the mental health, actually yes, people can deal with it anyway they want to (or not) or know how to - and you have to accept that. You cannot force it on anybody. What did you want from them? What did you expect them to do? If your DH is ill, then seeing the professional was for the best.

I don't have to allow people to hold my baby if I dont want to, thank you.

I didn't reject their gift, but his mother is like a dog with a bone. We said thank you when we first got it, she then told us 3 times to use it and the first 2 times we said we will when he's older, but the third time we had to tell her that he's currently happy and more content in his swaddle. I'm not going to change my sons routine just to please others.

OP, it is your attitude that is the issue, and your desperation to find them at fault. Sure, don't permit anyone to hold your baby. How on earth you don't think that isn't going to cause friction I don't know.

I'm getting the feeling your as interfering and controlling and she is, and that's why you dont find fault in what's happening.

OP you sound a bit precious tbh!

I think the situation sounds difficult, but living with your mother in law was always going to be difficult. You have two strong unrelated mother figures living under one roof, and however lovely you both probably are, there are going to be clashes. It has perhaps been turned into a toxic situation, but that doesn't mean your PIL are toxic. You need to move out before the relationship becomes irreparable.

I would imagine she is finding it very difficult to have other people living in the house for an extended period, but she doesn’t sound toxic. It sounds more a clash of personalities. You need to move out ASAP-when do you leave? It was very kind of them to let you live there.

@MazMcG

Neron,

So sorry to hear about your father.

You don't think they're doing anything wrong? Even when his mother told her husband not to get too close to his grandson as we would stop them seeing him, simply because I had anxiety? Or when they said my dog was more important to my partner than his own son? Just because they don't understand mental health, doesn't mean they can say whatever they want and carry on being ignorant to it.

They're definitely wrong for heavens sake lol my question was "are they toxic?".

Sorry but I agree with PP. they have not done anything wrong and are definitely not toxic. I think they don’t get you and you don’t get them, that is all.

You do seem a bit difficult, you were precious over wearing face masks to pick up a baby who is at close to zero risk, forcing conversations they don’t want to have and refusing presents, you could have just said thank you and put it to one side.

Why don’t you move out? I think everyone would be a lot happier.

You’re all just getting pissed off living together, how long till you move out?

I don’t think they are toxic either and to be honest it must be very difficult living with you and your husband as you’re both mentally ill, your anxiety his depression. And then throw in a small baby.

Are you both seeking medical help?

I don't think they are doing anything wrong.

Laughing about and making light of MH issues? Not accepting that the OP only wants household members holding the baby when we're living with the pandemic? Telling them to use the sleeping bag she bought and storming out of the room if she doesn't get her way, like a teenager?

I'd hate to see what you think IS doing things wrong.
Tell them it's your baby and to please respect your choices. Ignore the storming and stropping or tell her straight to have an adult conversation about things that upset her, or pack it in.

Moving in with parents is always risky. And with a new baby, vivid and mental health problems, the stress in both sides must be massive.

But this is their home. And they're feeling that they can't behave normally in it. And you want to call the shots (I'm not saying your wishes are unreasonable, btw).

It's a fraught situation for all. But as you said in the OP, you had a good relationships with them before this. So it's not about them, it's about the situation.

Try to mend things. Be kind. Acknowledge that they're finding it hard too.

No, they're not potentially toxic. Even your thread title and that word "potentially" suggests you are trying to find reasons not to like them. You're living in their house and you are being territorial over the baby? It's not going to end well unless you can have a bit of give and take.

Jeeeze. Fat fingers. Covid, not vivid