Potentially toxic in-laws?

[MazMcG]

So, I used to have a very healthy relationship with my soon to be in-laws. Until recently when my partner and I temporarily moved in with them as our house is being renovated. We have a 2 month old son together, and my partners parents are very helpful with him, and like to help out which is wonderful!

However, there have been some worrying comments made about both myself and my partner since the baby was born. For the first 10 days of my sons life I was suffering very badly with anxiety and felt extremely uncomfortable with other people holding him. I forced myself to allow his grandparents to hold him, as I didn't think it was fair to stop them, especially given that we're staying with them. However, his sister and her husband came up a few times to visit, and I allowed them to hold the baby once they sanitized their hands, and put masks on due to the pandemic. Then one day his sister was leaning over the baby with no mask on and was about to lift him when I asked her to put her mask on. After this I told his mother that I was no longer comfortable with his sister holding the baby due to the pandemic, and that when they visited it would only be people in the household that would hold him. She stormed out of the room and didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening. Then the next day my son was brought into the hospital due to jaundice and kept overnight, when we got home his mother was still not speaking to me, and I kept my distance from her. My partner was downstairs with them when an argument erupted, which resulted in my partners mother telling her husband "I told you not to get too close to the baby because we'll probably never see him", this was clearly due to my anxiety and the fact that I was quite clingy with my son (not that I ever stopped them holding him". I thought that this was a very hurtful comment to make, as I never considered stopping them from seeing their grandson, I had no reason to! Despite the fact that I wasn't involved in the argument, the next morning his mother started offering everyone toast, buns, and tea, apart from me for some reason.

Recently my partners mother made a comment to me about our dog being more important to him than his own son (because he likes to have the dog around, despite how they feel about animals and babies living in the same house).

Another situation was when my partners mother bought our son a sleeping bag and told us to use it, when I explained that we preferred the swaddle as it helps him sleep really well, she stormed out into the kitchen and began giving off to her husband about me not wanting to use the sleeping bag she got us.

The worst situation happened a few weeks ago when my partner began to struggle with his mental health. I tried to talk to his parents about how he was feeling and they said he needs to start looking at the positives in his life to help him feel better, when I explained that this isn't how depression works, they didn't seem to comprehend what I was trying to say, so I gave up trying. Then about 2 weeks ago my partner made a comment to me saying that he thought it would be better it he wasn't here anymore. I decided that his parents needed to know this and told them. His dad made a joke about how "when he says he doesn't want to be here anymore, he means living with us, he wants to be in his own house", and then proceeded to say that when you have a child you can't worry about yourself anymore, and that my partner needs to grow up.

I had to leave the room and I was fuming at this comment. Then the topic was brought up again a few days ago by his mother to me, and I told her that the comment her husband made really upset me, and she said that what I said really upset her husband, she then indicated that I was disrespectful for saying what I said about him not wanting to be here anymore. She said it was hard to hear. I started to cry and told them that dealing with a new baby and a partner who is depressed was taking it's toll and that I needed help, as I can't be the only one trying to help him.

Since I told them about his mental health being poor, neither of them have spoken to him to ask him how he is, and his father hasn't once asked me for an update on his sons mental health.

I do understand that hearing that about your son would be very hard to hear, but it wasn't easy for me to hear either.

Am I being unreasonable to think that these people are toxic?

Thank you so much. I'm so glad to see someone understands. I'm not saying it's easy for them at all and I know I'm not perfect lol

@MazMcG
You're stressed, I'm sure the in laws are stressed, the whole world appears stressed- we are living in difficult times. You are sharing with in laws. Basically strangers whose son you fell in love with.
Even without a new baby, a depressed husband and a pandemic to cope with, it would be difficult.
I can't say I blame you when you worry about your sil visiting and wanting to hold the baby. I would have had no problem pre Covid19 with that.
It must be difficult too for the in laws.
A lovely new baby in the house. Does it cry much ? Does it disturb their sleep - much as they must love their new grandchild, a baby can be very disruptive in a household.
You mention a dog too.
Are you contributing financially to the household ?
I'd say both sides are tetchy at the moment.
When can you move out ?
Grit your teeth as much as possible and try to " let things go "

When do you move out?

Um...I’m not sure if the previous posters are reading the same thread as me.
OP if you don’t want anyone to hold your baby don’t let them. It might be anxiety related, it might not, either way it’s up to you. Your baby, your choice. Getting in early re not letting SIL hold your baby was done to avoid awkwardness later on. Sensible I say.
Until you’ve all had newborns during a pandemic you won’t get it. My health visitor told me it’s completely natural to want to protect your little one during this period and help from them re my anxiety would be to make me more confident in saying ‘no’ in situations where I want comfortable. It’s not ‘precious.’ My little one is now 4 months and I feel much more relaxed. Still won’t let people I see as a risk hold my child. Family or not.

Tbh I think you sound like hard work.

@MazMcG

I don't have to allow people to hold my baby if I dont want to, thank you.

I didn't reject their gift, but his mother is like a dog with a bone. We said thank you when we first got it, she then told us 3 times to use it and the first 2 times we said we will when he's older, but the third time we had to tell her that he's currently happy and more content in his swaddle. I'm not going to change my sons routine just to please others.

But it's not just your baby, it's your husbands baby too and this is his family. That is his sister that you are refusing to let hold the baby because of your fear and anxiety. Your being beyond unreasonable.

Having been the in-laws in a similar situation ( not during Covid) it’s very hard to open up your home to a whole new family, who understandably would rather be in their own home. Even if that family is your son his partner and new baby. It is nothing like having your grown so living at home on their own or with their partner staying over.
I think your in-laws would have a different take on the whole situation.
I know that we were all much relieved when they moved out, we have a great relationship by the way.

Oh fgs just spend some money and move out. Moving in with grandparents with a small baby is too often a disaster because the grandparents expect you to do the same stuff as they did 100 years ago. It doesn't work that way.

Pushing the OP to hand her baby over to someone she sees a risk, at this present time, will just make her worse. Getting her to ‘face her fear’ might push her into panic attacks I imagine. I’m guessing it’s a hormonal thing. Let her be and stop making her feel unreasonable.
Would you tell anyone else with mental health issues to essentially ‘just get over it’ cos it’s better for everyone else? What a shitty thing to do.
You will get there OP.

I felt sorry for you at the beginning, but tbh you have a bad attitude. You've posted on here, you need to be prepared to hear opinions that you may not like. You live with your in laws, you need to be prepared they'll be different people to you. Not everyone thinks the same way as you and you're not always right. You sound very immature and actually I think you're contributing to the heat of the situation which is sufficiently difficult for everyone.

Right, what you have to understand when you have inter generational adults living together you have to have a thick skin and a lot of give and take on BOTH sides, otherwise it just doesn't work.
Your in-laws are not toxic, they just have a different outlook to you formed by their experiences, and likewise you and your OH have a different outlook moulded by your lives and experiences.
Whilst you are living in their house you are just have to suck it up and bite your tongue and learn some diplomacy.
The alternative is you "camp" in your house during renovations, not ideal with a small baby, but possible?
Try not to fall out you say things were okay before you moved in, they are also your childs grandparents it really isn't worth it to take offence too much.
I say this as someone who had one son plus partner living in my home for 6 years, and currently has his brother and wife living with us (due to the pandemic and loss of jobs) and I can see this from both sides
If your in-laws are basically decent folks try to let a lot of it wash over you because it will be lot better for you all in the long run,

Let it all go over your head. Be smiley, friendly and polite. The less said the sooner mended. Once home again you can live on your own terms and forget the awkward period you are going through. Start mending fences now, maybe say how you will miss her help when you get back home.

Nope they are not toxic.

It's tough living with anyone. You have vastly different perspectives. I think your being overly sensitive which is understable living in their house. Natural for any mil to be anxious btw about not seeing the baby as your not their daughter and u seem to think they are toxc

Some people are wilfully ignorant about mental health issues. It sounds like your in-laws are. In my experience of dealing with people that (my ex in-laws as it happens) the best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is to expect nothing in the way of support from them regarding poor mental health.

I don't think they are toxic. I think, you are clearly very anxious and are perhaps being hyper-sensitive.

You don't say what caused the argument to erupt between your partner and your soon-to-be in-laws but, for his mother to tell her husband not to get too close to the baby, they clearly have concerns about your relationship with them. I think that has arisen as a result of your behaviour since the baby was born. It wasn't meant as a hurtful comment. It was an honest and worried comment from someone who is hurt. You possibly haven't realised the extent of the change in your anxious behaviour.

If you try and put yourself in their position, they have opened up their home to you and are obviously looking forward to a close bond with your son. They are probably well aware of your reticence for them to hold the baby, you don't want their daughter holding the baby and you don't want their sleeping bag gift. They probably feel very rejected.

What would I think if my son's clearly extremely anxious partner suddenly told me my son was suicidal when she is the one exhibiting the poor mental health?

Mmm, I think I might reject the idea as you possibly projecting, especially if it has come as a bolt out of the blue to them.

They clearly feel that all should be good with their son having recently become a father.

Actually, his mum noticing your partner spends more time with the dog than the baby, may actually be that she noticed her son's behaviour wasn't as it should be, given that he has a new baby son to dote on. Again, I think you have misunderstood the comment. She is concerned about your partner's behaviour.

I'm glad your partner is now receiving help and I would suggest that, if you aren't already, you perhaps seek help for your anxiety, especially as you may, understandably, have post-natal depression and perhaps not realise.

I think you are being a bit over bearing and looking for fault.

It’s actually not recomend you swaddle babies anymore and they should sleep in a sleeping bag.

I'm getting the feeling your as interfering and controlling and she is, and that's why you dont find fault in what's happening

This attitude is what I meant OP. You then go on to acknowledge it is not easy for them and that you are not perfect.
No one is perfect, but you are looking for, and creating issues, that are not there. You need to move back home.

The sooner you (and your family) move out the more likely that you will be able to repair your relationship with your in laws. Go on like this and it will be irreparable. Live in your house while it is renovated or rent until it is ready.

I’m sorry your partner is ill. I hope his medication suits him and he gets better quickly. All the angst between you and his family won’t be helping him. Is he under financial pressure? Can you pause/abandon or scale back the renovation to relieve the pressure.

All cooped up together, with a new baby, during a pandemic, is always going to be stressful and cause fall outs.

Put two of the people in with mental illness, one with depression to such an extent it’s causing potential suicidal thoughts and one with a high level of anxiety and it’s always going to be hell for everyone involved.

The incidents you describe op are just snappiness and intolerances born from the situation you are all in. It is incredibly difficult to have people move in with you at th best of times, never mind adding all the circumstances above in too, tempers are bound to get frayed

These are not toxic people, they are just people who have found themselves in a very hard situation, yes there are instances where they should behave better, as I’m sure can be said for you and your husband, but you need to try to accept that sometimes we all get it wrong and that this is not easy for them either, and they are clearly trying to help you both.

You and your family need to move out as soon as possible.
Things will probably get worse the longer you stay there.
You’re all irritating each other when you all just want the best for the new baby.

Well I think your MIL is not being at all nice and you have tried. You’ve let her hold the baby more than you are comfortable with etc.
It was madness to move in at this time, it is normal to feel anxious when newborns are handed around too often, and you say she is “always” around at bedtime; because you are in her house, you are not getting any space and she doesn’t see the need, which is a bit obtuse of her.
Yes, it is very kind of them to accommodate you during your renovation, but you are paying the price, and for me, it wouldn’t be worth it.

Your MIL feels she should have a say in decisions that fall to parents alone - letting someone from another household who has mixed elsewhere, hold a new baby unmasked and without hand washing.

If she was a nicer person, she’d realise that the new parents need some space; that the new baby needs lots of cuddles with its mother; that she needs to ask, not order, when it comes to the baby. Instead, she feels resentment that she doesn’t have total free rein, and you keep poking your miserable beak in.
I think you were wrong to share your husband’s mental health problems with his mother, that wasn’t your decision to make without his consent. Her reaction suggests she’s totally wrapped up in her new grandchild and her son comes well down the list and she doesn’t want to be bothered with his problems just now when there is the BAYBEE!
Can’t you rent or stay elsewhere?
It’s such a shame that this is spoiling a previously good relationship with your in-laws, but it was entirely predictable. It is going to be hard to recover from but you need distance, and you can’t have that whilst living at their house reliant upon their goodwill.

she doesn’t want to be bothered with his problems just now when there is the BAYBEE

Oh get a grip, you have two mentally ill people move in with you ans a new born in the middle of a pandemic and one of those people decide you’re toxic, and you come back and tell us a couple of months down the line how you behaved perfectly throughout and never once snapped or struggled and we will all hand you your medal.

Oh and the yelling to her husband “I told you not to get close to the baby...” was clearly performative and is a not uncommon manipulative move. Hyperbolically declaring they are clearly going to be “shut out” or “cut-off” every time they don’t get their way is a way of exhorting compliance, - the idea is that the parents must prove to whoever it is wailing, that they are NOT horrible and controlling, by using the pink polyester cot bumpers/ letting them have the baby overnight/ spending Christmas at their house.

Oh back off the poor OP @Neron you've made your point

I don't think they're toxic but I do agree with others that you're more than likely getting on each others nerves, are you able to move out soon?

It is definitely your husbands baby too though so he does also have a say in who holds the baby, if he's not comfortable with it just get him to speak to his parents. He's an adult with a child, he should be able to talk to them and explain