To not see the point in life?

[sunshinerays]

This has nothing to do with covid, I felt this way before covid and feel the same now.

I don't understand the point of life. It's repetitive BS. I try and do so many 'exciting' things and still feel it's a pile of crap most of the time.

I want to point out I'm not suicidal for a variety of reasons that I won't go into but I'm questioning how abnormal is it to feel this way or do lots of people feel this way but just pretend otherwise?

I have no reason to feel this way from the outside I have the 'perfect' life and people would be surprised if they knew how I feel.

Every day is - pointless (with the exception of the odd day here and there). Totally pointless in particular Monday to Friday I just see no enjoyment.

I feel like an entitled twat writing this post but have no one to talk to. I've tried counselling and it doesn't seem to fix the problem.

This is less about AIBU and more about reaching out to others I guess to see if anyone else is in similar situation 😓

A book that might help is 'How to do everything and be happy' by Peter Jones. He had a very similar experience to you, which is that at 30, he realised that he had created a 'perfect' life with the woman he loved (she sadly died which is why he was reflecting on this), but he didn't like it one bit and wasn't happy. He couldn't work out, if he'd got the flat, the girl he wanted and a 'good job' why he wasn't happy- his book is very practical, it's about identifying what does make you happy and doing more of those things, and doing less of the things that don't make you happy! Sounds trite, but the exercises are really worth doing.

I read this book and realized I'd optimized my life pretty much to make me fairly happy already, I do a job that I really like (even though it didn't pay so well for the first decade and I was the lowest earner out of my friends), I spend time eating what I like (and have the weight to prove it), I spend time with people I like (and am quite good at getting out of social obligations) and so on. It's a good life audit and I think his own personal story would resonate with you as it sounds so similar.

@CatAndHisKit the decision to have kids is very complicated. I already know there are so many parts to it I will absolutely hate. But I also can't imagine living the life I'm living forever.

At least kids are a drastic change and something new and different and is a way of helping someone else.

My DH we had a discussion yesterday actually and yes I guess you could say it's a little pressure in the fact that we're having a few fertility issues (I think they're temporary but we will soon see) and we had the conversation that if they're not temporary and I cannot have them then the marriage will breakdown. He says not necessarily but my point it, I'm decided on kids as I think it's a major part of life to miss out on - I know it's a big risk and I could end up more depressed but I feel the risk is worth taking rather than live like this forever.

I feel exactly the same OP. I always feel like there's no point in anything considering we all die anyway. I constantly get thoughts like what's the point in having fun? I'm going to die anyway.
I do have severe depression tho and I am on antidepressants.

Thank you for many more responses I've woken up to. And sorry to other posters who feel the same I hope you figure this BS out eventually too!

Truly helpful from so many of you thank you for taking time to post. I'm going to look up all of the book suggestions.

To answer some of the general themes;

• a few people asked about friends. My friends have all had children fairly recently so are off the radar I end up socialising with my DH or mom most of the time.

• work is a very complicated situation. I don't want to say too much about it because it would be outing but it isn't something I can walk away from, both legally and professionally. It would take months if not years of planning and financially very messy. And after that what would I do anyway? I have no other experience, passion or drive for anything else so I feel like it's going from frying pan to fire?

Yes and it's difficult when you see people on Facebook enjoying constant weekends away having loads of fun with their loving partners.
I feel for you OP. It's not a nice feeling x

I am sorry if this has been said before because I ha haven’t read all of your replies, but the cliche ‘do one thing every day that scares you’ really helped me through a patch of existential doubt.
I went out of my way to find scary things, things that physically scared me like driving very fast on a track, and things that were more emotionally scary, like sending a book to an agent for a critique. I pushed myself beyond all the limits I had set myself, and it sort of reset my brain somehow. It was quite an adrenaline rush, but I don’t feel the need to do it at the moment. I’m more content.

@Goldenbear: I feel the same way. Kids bring a lot of extra drudgery, but somehow it seems like it's actually for something bigger. I certainly couldn't be a stay at home mum, but I find that going from the drudgery of work to the drudgery of kids/home makes each one seem less stale, if that makes sense!

@sunshinerays: is there any way that you can reorient your existing tasks at work towards things you hate even a little less? Even if you can just say "no" to any new projects that you don't believe in and carve out a few activities you do feel are worthwhile. I appreciate not every job provides that opportunity though. You might also find the concept of bullshit jobs interesting: www.newyorker.com/books/under-review/the-bullshit-job-boom. It made me realise how important it is to feel like your job matters in some small way.

@sunshinerays

You've got a lot of great advice! Can I add to it by suggesting you look inside rather than outside for a solution, and preferably before you bring children into the mix. I really recommend checking out Kain Ramsay's CBT courses on Udemy. They will give you the tools you need to understand your apathy and dissatisfaction with life and make meaningful changes.

www.udemy.com/course/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt-online-course-an-introduction-to/

@Sarahlou63 yes I have and thank you too. I have to have children because of my age and also because how long is it going to take me to figure it out? It's been years of trying and if I carry in waiting I won't be able to reproduce x

@Femunculus I've done that and made some changes at work including hiring PA support but there are still so many tasks that are just part in parcel.

It sounds like the absence of meaningful friendships plus feeling trapped at work in a sort of hamster wheel are both contributing to you feeling depressed. Certainly the times when I have felt most like you describe it has been when I haven't had as many people in my life to love and who love me in return. I think on my deathbed, it's those relationships I would remember and which give life meaning.
I do think the trapped-ness of the job thing is making you miserable though.

Also not suicidal but also feel similarly. Grinding tedium and a set of repetitive chores, day in day out.

I have felt this way in the past, often when doing exhausting drudgery jobs, and before I had kids. Now I work part time in a job where I deal with life or death situations which makes me grateful for small and big things in my life. I also found that having kids really gave my life meaning.

Could I also recommend a podcast? It’s The Happiness Lab by a Yale psychologist, looking at why some people are more content than others, and the small steps you can take to change your thinking. It’s a bit American, but fairly entertaining and full of good tips.

Sorry OP, I wanted to read all the posts but I have just got to about 00.35 on here, but in real life it is 10.00 am, and having been awake all night I need to get to sleep soon, so I am replying sooner than I wished.
I am an OAP with a DH and DAC. I have beem on anti-depresssnts non-stop for about 20 years now (changing the type occassionally). Whenever I stopped taking them - since early 20's - I have had to go back on them again. I often used to feel as if they didn't help, until I came off them and remembered how real depression feels. I do think that your Seritonin levels mightt be quite low, so like many others have said, please try and work out a way with your Dr that you can take some tablets, but of course you need a lot more help than just tablets. You have had some great advice/suggestions on here from at least a couple of people.
I have got a bit fed up on your behalf by people saying you must change your job (I know it would probably help a lot if you could, but I believe you when you say you can't). So I am not asking for verification here to my idea of the sort of job you might have, I am only suggesting it so others can try and see why it might not be so easy for you to walk away from your position.
What if our DOP owns a very popular mid size boutique hotel with her DH. She used to love doing it, it gave great satisfaction to them both when they saw through all their hardwork it started to pay off. They have very happy guests, and until Covid they were booked ahead for almost 2 years, and 2021's guests (many repeat bookings) are still booked in, and can't wait to get away. DOP and her DH do most of the work in the hotel, except for making up the bedrooms, they have a couple of staff for that. But her DH cooks all the breakfasts, and DOP does the hosting and waiting tables at breakfast. DH then does all the DIY chores, mows the lawn etc (sorry to give each such typical gender roles, but it is only for ease of my fraddled brain), whilst DOP checks the rooms are up to scratch, plans with DH any future plans for re-decorating, and new furniture etc. During this time they both take both phone and online bookings, welcome new guests, say bon voyage to their departing ones, one of them phones the laundry company to see why the van hasn't turned up yet etc etc etc. To top all that off, DOP and her DH have their (admittedly lovely) apartment - with all mod cons and two 65" screen smart TV's - on the top floor of the hotel, so their home is tied up in their business. Oh and DH's brother is their accountant, and her two 17 year old twin nieces (from DOP's much older brother) are the chamber maids. I can see why DOP would find it almost impossible to walk away from that situation, and to only be able to take a very short maternity leave if she did become pregnant.
I can see why the above scenario could explain many of our DOP's present feelings, and there must be hundred's if not thousands of equally difficult scenarios out there. The DOP does not necessarally have a high powered job in a massive organisation.
Good Luck DOP (the D from DOP is because I really feel for you and understand some of your pain), I really hope that some of the wonderful suggestions from pp's on here ring a bell with you, and help you to be able to enjoy life once more

I agree with you OP. You are not the only one who feels this way.

If you want a purpose in life, don’t assume that you won’t be able to have a faith. Have a look at the evidence for Christianity. Maybe try an Alpha course or similar.

OP, I think one thing to say is, if you decide to have children that means you are accepting a commitment that will be there quite regardless of how you feel.

It's like joining the army in that sense: you don't stop to ask yourself halfway through a battle if you feel fulfilled. Your job is to get through and help your comrades to get through.

And like a soldier, you have to keep your gear in good order. Which as a parent might mean, see a doctor if you suspect there is anything wrong with your MH or any other health issue that might make you a less effective force.

Some of us actually find that quite liberating: when you know you have a job to do, and one that will have to be done regardless, it can free you to some extent from that terrible burden of always needing to feel fulfilled, of always needing to experience some kind of inner glow. Inner glow ime doesn't happen every day.

A baby quite frankly doesn't care if mum or dad feel fulfilled; it will get nappy rash if you don't change the nappy and that's that. It will not develop emotionally and socially if you don't talk to it and smile at it and cuddle it, and that's that. Love, as they say, is a verb: it's not how it feels, it's what you do.

I am not saying you should take on this commitment. But I am saying, if you have taken it on, then you are stuck with it.

Looking back on 23 years of parenting, I remember fun times, of course I do. Lots of them. Times when I thought "Look at me, I'm really rocking this parenting lark". But equally times when I could just have run off to Australia, when nothing I did seemed right, when the only thing that seemed perfectly sure was that this was a shitty day and it was going to continue being shitty.

Looking back, it's not the glowing, rocking-it-all days that held the purpose. It's the days when everything was shit and we felt useless and we still kept going.

Ultimately life is pointless, we all die and are forgotton and eventually even the universe will end and everything, every memory, every work of art or scientific achievement will disappear with it forever.

So their is no point in dewlling on it, live in the moment as much as you can, appreciate what you are doing now, find the joy where you can and let the pointlessness of living liberate you from all the shoulds and pressure of sociaties expectations.

[quote sunshinerays]@Sarahlou63 yes I have and thank you too. I have to have children because of my age and also because how long is it going to take me to figure it out? It's been years of trying and if I carry in waiting I won't be able to reproduce x[/quote]
CBT is short term - 10/20 sessions. You're self aware but maybe not about core beliefs and cognitive biases.

The practitioners course - www.udemy.com/course/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-online-course-cbt-practitioner-course/ - will teach you how to assess yourself and it WILL make a difference. (I'm not on commission!!!).

Femunculus, the contrast in scenarios so work life and life with children for me certainly livens things up, I like a bit of chaos and children bring that. Yes, we have to make sure uniforms are washed, packed lunch is done but I don't have a set pattern of behaviour when I pick my youngest up from school so we may go the park with friends, talk about something obscure and childish or she may go and create things in her room- it is the unpredictable fearlessness and sometimes very funny aspects of children that are the elements that I enjoy.

My teenage son talks to me about a range of stuff from U.S politics, to funny anecdotes about school mates and teenage terminology. I heard him teaching himself to play 'Angie' (Rolling stones) on his guitar, and by the end of the week he had almost mastered it, it is being around that energy for life that I find contagious but at the same time it does remind you that your own years are ebbing away and life is finite. I think that's a good thing for me though as I would just waste time doing not much as one of life's procrastinators.

I think reading over your thread OP it strikes me that it is not really about 'work' or a job and more about you needing the soul to be fed, it is important part of the human condition that I think is somehow lacking for quite a few people now.

OP I feel exactly the same as you. So you’re not the only one.

I think for me the main problem is work. I am passionate about Art...my main love. However, I cannot make a stable living from it to support dd and so I cannot pursue it. I have no time to pursue it as im doing my more sensible "stable" job that i do like but is tough and not my big love.
I have a thread about feeling " meh" about life in mental health.

To be honest there is not a point to life, that's no bad thing it can be liberating. But the loss of joy in things is troubling. It could be part of internalising the ideal of productive meaning useful for making money for some, to let go of the idea that time spent doing "nothing" is indulgent so that pleasant things, like a walk, are not beset with guilt taking away any pleasure.

I would recommend the Alpha course too, it’s a very gentle introduction to Christianity. You have nothing to lose by trying it out, but a lot to gain if you do find meaning in it.

[quote BeakyWinder]@sunshinerays if you feel like this now, adding children will make it 1000x worse. Life with children is 99% repetitive drudgery, with all your usual boring jobs on top. Babies and toddlers are groundhog day, then older kids you give your whole routine over to ferrying, organising, coaxing them to do things they don't want to do. I really think you would hate and resent the restrictions and boredom that comes with parenting.

Obviously there are good parts, but as someone who hates the drudgery (I know some parents enjoy it), it's hard.[/quote]
OP, this is one opinion. It’s this poster’s right to express it but please do not take it as a given that you will find parenthood to be boring drudgery. There is no getting away from the routine and obligation but it does not have to be a negative. And it’s an old chestnut but don’t allow your feelings about other people’s children influence you too much- it really is different when they are your own. Also, remember that when you are the parent then, provided that you stay within the law, basic health and safety and nutrition, you are in charge and can parent however the hell you like.