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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Silent treatment!

86 replies

Redrum2020 · 28/09/2020 13:39

How do people deal with the silent treatment? It’s become increasingly more regular that if I have any disagreement with my husband he completely cuts me off. It’s getting to a point he even stays away. I know this is a form of control as he’s used to do it to his ex wife. I find myself apologising just to clear the air. I am not sure how much longer I can take this as it’s mentally straining .

OP posts:
shitinmyhandsandclap · 28/09/2020 13:40

This is emotional abuse, how is the rest of your relationship?

AvoidingRealHumans · 28/09/2020 13:41

I think the only way to deal with it is to leave, he won't stop doing it so you will either have to apologise when you've done nothing wrong and live with it or end the relationship.

Original poster
Redrum2020 · 28/09/2020 13:45

He’s the nicest person in the world if you agree with him. If I say anything he doesn’t like he’s tells me I am picking on him and cries like a baby. He’s almost 55 with a very high up important job. He’s incredibly strict with my kids but if I say anything about his children misbehaving ( teenage daughter) bring rude he cuts me off . He’s done it again today . Gone to work taken his case and ignored my texts where I have tried to discuss things.

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 28/09/2020 13:49

Don’t engage with him. Carry on as normal but don’t try and start a conversation with him and definitely don’t apologise just to get him to talk to you! It is absolutely a form of control. He gets you to do what he wants by behaving in a certain way.

Sounds like this is a second marriage for both of you? Do you need to be together? Sounds like you’re not enjoying it and your children are getting a rough deal. Depending on their ages, where they live, how often your DSD stays etc, is maybe be thinking about removing him from my and my children’s lives. Easier said than done, but unless he showed that he is willing to change then there’s not much else to do 💐

MidnightCitrus · 28/09/2020 13:50

He’s the nicest person in the world if you agree with him so he's not the nicest person in the world then? He is manipulative like a toddler - and frankly you and your dc deserve a LOT better

Original poster
Redrum2020 · 28/09/2020 13:56

I am absolutely stuck. I rented out my former home and he bought this. With the Covid rules I can’t evict until at least next March and I only work part time and also care for my elderly mum . I can’t afford to leave at the moment. I have never held a grudge so find this behaviour very disturbing. I think he’s messed up mentally.

OP posts:
Jody21 · 28/09/2020 14:23

FIL does this to MIL on a regular basis, he is a narcissistic, arrogant fool who is convinced he's always right. If she ever disagees with him he will sulk, sometimes for weeks at a time. He won't talk to her at all, completely ignores her in the house etc.
The woman is a Saint, I would have put my foot to his ass years ago. I refuse to put up with this kind of treatment, DH tried it a few times in our early years, he soon learned better!

Please don't think that you have to put up with this to keep the peace. Do not let some overgrown man child cause you or your children any stress, you and your children deserve to be treated with respect.

HollowTalk · 28/09/2020 14:25

Is there any way you and your daughter could move in with your mum?

Suzi888 · 28/09/2020 14:26

Don’t let him know it upsets you. Don’t text him, don’t speak to him. He may stop once he realises it no longer has the desired effect.

Fedupoftheworld · 28/09/2020 14:27

Can you move in with your mum? I’d leave him personally. Life’s to short to be unhappy. Flowers

HollowTalk · 28/09/2020 14:33

The time to go would be when he's not speaking to you. Imagine his response when he comes home from work to find you've gone - he will be forced into asking where you are. (You'd be mad to answer the phone to him.)

AvoidingRealHumans · 28/09/2020 14:35

If you absolutely can't leave now or move into your mums then I would just go about my life without giving him a thought.
If he wants to go silent then let him, don't try and negotiate or apologise. Leave him to sulk like the pathetic man he is and get on with your day.
Once you accept that this is how he is, you can't change him and are not tolerating it either I think you will be able to deal with it better.

ToastyCrumpet · 28/09/2020 14:36

The only way to deal with this is to let him get on with it. If it continues, leave anyway. I’m sure he’s counting on you not going. Call his bluff.

2me2u2u2me · 28/09/2020 14:38

I would completely ignore him, it might take a couple of go's but when he next ignores you leave him to it, then when he's ready to come round ignore him, the childish fecker

Original poster
Redrum2020 · 28/09/2020 14:43

I have got three kids and my mother of 82 lives in a tiny house. Theres not enough room. I think I need to bide my time and wait for my house to become available. It’s upsetting knowing that I have started another week of being ignored.
I personally think he will move on to another woman who will pander to him . This silent treatment is a hundred times worse than an argument. He’s got way worse over the last few months . Every other weekend he has his two teenage kids here, they don’t leave their rooms and he sits in another room. I casually mentioned yesterday why don’t you take them for a walk/coffee and I was then accused of picking on him and he actually started crying. To be honest I am losing my respect for him. My kids don’t want to be here for Xmas as his kids never engage in our household and stay in their rooms for days and days on end. He’s self absorbed in his iPad games and is very self disciplined. He could easily go a week without talking to me. I am chatty and friendly , it’s soul destroying.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/09/2020 14:48

What a pathetic excuse for a human being. Did he also threaten to tell his Mummy on you?

I'd deal with it the way I deal with all sulkers - I ignore them. Get on with your life. If he's sulking of an evening, perhaps you could arrange to go out with friends, or you and your kids go round to your Mum's and keep her company for the evening? Or have a nice zoom meet up, or quiz with mates?

Graphista · 28/09/2020 14:49

At what point did you know he did it to his ex?

Could you move in with your mother? At least temporarily? Could you rent somewhere with the money from your rented property?

Can you separate but remain within that house? Difficult I know and the worst option really but if the above aren't possible then I would do this and completely ignore the sulking and just be breezy and treat him as if he's invisible as well as silent - 2 can play that game!

Completely pathetic behaviour by him and very controlling in a way that he can use to kid himself he's NOT abusive - he is!

barskits · 28/09/2020 14:51

At first on reading your OP I thought he sounded like an absolute arse, but then you have mentioned that he starts to cry. Now I can't help wondering whether he is suffering from depression or other mental health problem. What is his work situation - is he under a lot of pressure there? I'd also be wondering about his childhood and relationship with his own parents.

Anordinarymum · 28/09/2020 14:54

OP. I think you should change the sleeping arrangements in your house just until you can get your tenants out and sleep in another room.

Make it clear to him that you are only co-habiting. This is what I would do.
Once you have changed the living dynamic you will feel better

ittooshallpass · 28/09/2020 14:55

My ex used to do this. The longest he did it for was 6 weeks. It was awful, but similar to you I had to wait before I could finish the relationship. It took 8 months to get everything in order and during that time, I just ignored him, went about my business and looked after DD as best I could.

My advice would be to detach emotionally and get your ducks in a row so you're ready to go when you can.

2020visions · 28/09/2020 14:55

This is one method narcissistic people use to keep you in your lane and keep you submissive to their opinions/ideas.
It’s literally a form of silent torture - my ex partner used to do this to me and I actually had a mental breakdown from the strain this put on my mental health. You will eventually stop having your own opinions, think about every word you say before you speak etc. Life is too short to share it with a total wanker.
Sorry for the bluntness but men like this are just impossible and have many issues in their own heads that the just project on to you.
Leave and don’t look back.

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 28/09/2020 14:59

He sounds awful.
Put plans in place to get your house back and then leave! Don’t engage with the silent treatment he gives you just continue as normal.

MidnightCitrus · 28/09/2020 15:01

rent somewhere else, you deserve better, if not for you then do it for your DC

HollowTalk · 28/09/2020 15:02

@barskits

At first on reading your OP I thought he sounded like an absolute arse, but then you have mentioned that he starts to cry. Now I can't help wondering whether he is suffering from depression or other mental health problem. What is his work situation - is he under a lot of pressure there? I'd also be wondering about his childhood and relationship with his own parents.
Crying can be a sign of control. It stops the other person in their tracks, stops them putting forward their point of view, and forces them to be nice to them. He's saying, "Look at me, I'm a victim here" when actually he's the perpetrator. It's a common thing.
Anordinarymum · 28/09/2020 15:05

Hollow talk.. you are absolutely right. Crying is a tool lots of people use when they have lost all power. It's not always used aggressively but in this case I think it is