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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Silent treatment!

86 replies

Redrum2020 · 28/09/2020 13:39

How do people deal with the silent treatment? It’s become increasingly more regular that if I have any disagreement with my husband he completely cuts me off. It’s getting to a point he even stays away. I know this is a form of control as he’s used to do it to his ex wife. I find myself apologising just to clear the air. I am not sure how much longer I can take this as it’s mentally straining .

OP posts:
afrikat · 28/09/2020 17:12

I'm sorry, this is so sad for you and your children

If you are renting your place out could you use that income to rent somewhere small for you and your kids until you can get your place back? It sounds like they wouldnt mind sacrificing space if they can get away from him

If not, and in the mean time, completely disengage with him. Carry on like he isnt being a totally arsehole, chat away like he isnt ignoring you and make sure you get the internet details so he stops doing that to your kids. How dare he 'discipline' them when hes acting like such a dick

Please please make plans to get away from this bully

missyB1 · 28/09/2020 17:23

Start putting your plans in place you will be back in your home by March. It’s a shame you have to stay under the same roof as him until then but knowing you have a positive plan will help.
Meantime play him at his own game and totally ignore him. Get on with yours and your kids lives. Find the internet blocker and get rid. If he buys another just repeat.

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 17:23

He sounds very messed up and I can imagine you walk around on egg shells all the time. I really feel for you please get out as soon as possible this is no way to live 💐 what a twat.

BewilderedDoughnut · 28/09/2020 17:29

I wouldn't tolerate the silent treatment for a God damn second! He'd be out the door.

It's abusive!

NancyBotwinBloom · 28/09/2020 17:40

Contact your renters like said upthread and see if they want to move.

It's an option to ask.

My ex used to do this whilst I was pregnant and up until I left him.

He used to ignore me if we had a row and threaten me with next time you speak to me like that it will be for double the amount of time. Dickhead.

He'd stay away for days with no contact and block me so I couldn't get hold
Of him.

If the renters aren't moving, then I'd get to a solicitor and see what your options are.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 28/09/2020 17:44

@Redrum2020

He’s the nicest person in the world if you agree with him. If I say anything he doesn’t like he’s tells me I am picking on him and cries like a baby. He’s almost 55 with a very high up important job. He’s incredibly strict with my kids but if I say anything about his children misbehaving ( teenage daughter) bring rude he cuts me off . He’s done it again today . Gone to work taken his case and ignored my texts where I have tried to discuss things.
And cunt who was 'incredibly strict' with my kids but lenient on his own would never have made it to husband stage. He's an emotionally abusive twat you have foisted on your children. You deal with it by leaving him. Wouldn't bloody wait till March, either, subjecting me kids to more months of this abusive bastard. I'd borrow money to get out now.
Lolapusht · 28/09/2020 17:49

@Redrum2020

I haven’t excepted the discipline of my kids and the unfairness of it. This is what 99.5 percent of our disagreements are about. When it’s his kids playing up he conveniently doesn’t notice . Any excuse to turn my kids internet off is used. He’s got one of those individual internet blockers which he uses fairly frequently on my kids.
OP, please leave. You and your children deserve better. Give notice to your tenants and make your plans to move out in March (if not before).

With regard to the Internet blocker, that is downright bullying. I assume he’s doing it as a sanction for some indiscretion? Do they put up with it? Grumble a bit and carry on or do they go apeshit? Do some research on it and do what you can to prevent him from doing this to your children. Not sure if it’s just as simple as changing the password on the wifi, but I’d find out and do it. The only way I’d let someone do that to children is if both parents had agreed to use it, the children were aware that it would be used and what the rules surrounding internet usage were. If they knew the rules and what would happen if they broke them, fine. Internet access denied.

Do they live with you permanently? You run the risk of alienating them if you don’t do something. They don’t want to spend Christmas in their own house. That’s really sad. Kick him out and have a lovely Christmas with just you and DC.

Ignore him while he sulks, stop doing his housework while he’s not talking to you and he either stops disciplining your children or you will start enforcing your boundaries in your home with his kids.

LittleEsme · 28/09/2020 18:13

I grew up
In this
Kind of environment and it was suffocating. It felt poisonous and
horribly toxic. I'll always feel it.

I feel so very bad for your DC OP. Your DC won't be with you forever - try and change the situation as quickly as possible.

Imagine a Christmas like this, then picture you and the DC in your own place, being relaxed and normal in your own happiness. You and your DC deserve better. Only you can resolve this.

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 28/09/2020 18:14

Not sure it counts as eviction if the landlord wants to resume living in their property. Talk to the letting agents. I thought eviction suspension was only in the event of non-payment

combatbarbie · 28/09/2020 18:15

How long were you together before you decided to become a blended family? Did he have sulking tantrums before you moved in?

He sounds like a petulant arse hole and I would tell him so. As for the Internet blocker..... Who even does that! What sort of behaviour of your kids is he picking up?

LittleEsme · 28/09/2020 18:23

Moving forward, Id definitely contact your tenants to issue the March notice to leave and a little added note stating that you'd be more than flexible on the agreement if they found a place and wanted to leave early.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 28/09/2020 18:31

My Dad used to do this when my Gran used to visit for two weeks in the summer (she was from Scotland). For those two weeks he wouldn't speak or acknowledge any of us. At all.
Then as soon as she left, it was as if nothing had ever happened.
Mom just ignored it, fed, watered and clothed him and left him to it ( I suspect she enjoyed it).
Apart from this he was a very loving husband and father! I have no idea why he was like this.

Button70 · 28/09/2020 18:47

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Passmethefrazzles · 28/09/2020 18:48

Do what has been suggested, start to make plans to move back to your house. Ignore him, but stick up for your kids ending what you say with ”you can sulk all you like but you will stop this nonsense with my children”. There’s a series of threads about a sulking husband that you really, really need to read. Look for “Confronting DH about his sulking”. It will give you an insight to what drives this very controlling behaviour.
Good luck OP.

Havaiana · 28/09/2020 20:05

@Button70

I’d say it’s abuse — I had a girlfriend who would need to ‘process’ things and would give me the silent treatment after we had tiffs...one such incident was when I rode ahead of her and she felt I had ‘left her behind’. It involved her flouncing off, silent treatment and then she dumped me....therapy has taught me that like her husband I am just another victim of her abuse....my therapist(s) suggested she may have undiagnosed bpd the effect of which has scarred me...she left a mark..
Sounds like good riddance!
Wrenna · 28/09/2020 20:07

I’d deal with it by divorcing him.

everythingbackbutyou · 28/09/2020 20:15

It took me 20 YEARS to get wise to stbxh's crying trick every time I called him on anything I didn't like. I can't believe I ever thought it was genuine (apart from genuine self-pity). Like others have said, grey rock and silently planning your exit from this abusive relationship are the best route.

HollowTalk · 28/09/2020 20:39

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

My Dad used to do this when my Gran used to visit for two weeks in the summer (she was from Scotland). For those two weeks he wouldn't speak or acknowledge any of us. At all. Then as soon as she left, it was as if nothing had ever happened. Mom just ignored it, fed, watered and clothed him and left him to it ( I suspect she enjoyed it). Apart from this he was a very loving husband and father! I have no idea why he was like this.
Whose mother was she?

If she was his MIL, then he was hardly being a very loving husband, was he?

If she was his own mum, then it's absolutely unforgivable.

Snog · 28/09/2020 20:42

The silent treatment has no place in a healthy relationship. I would make it clear that you will not tolerate the silent treatment - don't stay in a relationship where your partner behaves like this, it's completely unacceptable.

Graphista · 28/09/2020 20:48

You've posted about him before I'm sure, the turning your kids internet off rings a massive bell and I think you first posted months ago.

Why did you stay? Fairly sure you've been advised severely times over quite a lengthy time period to leave him.

At the very least I'd be removing his ability to pull that shit!

Get a contract with a different provider and get a new router etc - and BLOCK HIM from it!

I grew up in an abusive home too, mainly shouty/violent but to be perfectly honest I found the "silent treatment" times (which BOTH parents did the other was mainly dad) FAR more tense and anxiety inducing.

Dad also switched on the "crying" when he was "apologising" to mum for yet another battering! Crocodile tears!

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 28/09/2020 21:00

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LittleEsme · 28/09/2020 21:11

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd and you're a classic AIBU'er.

What you wrote has to be the most callous thing on this thread. It takes years for a woman to leave a partner who's abusing them. Part of the patter is an insidious assault on a woman's boundaries and self-worth.

Way to go on the victim blaming there.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 28/09/2020 21:13

[quote LittleEsme]@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd and you're a classic AIBU'er.

What you wrote has to be the most callous thing on this thread. It takes years for a woman to leave a partner who's abusing them. Part of the patter is an insidious assault on a woman's boundaries and self-worth.

Way to go on the victim blaming there. [/quote]
What's callous is what's happening to these poor kids with their horrible stepfather.

Good to know I've got a stalker, though Hmm.

LittleEsme · 28/09/2020 21:27

Stalker? Oh behave. You're not that special.

Like I said, way to go with victim
blaming and having zero understanding what an abusive dynamic looks like.

OP, you know you and these children deserve peace and fairness. Start making plans.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 28/09/2020 21:31

@LittleEsme

Stalker? Oh behave. You're not that special.

Like I said, way to go with victim
blaming and having zero understanding what an abusive dynamic looks like.

OP, you know you and these children deserve peace and fairness. Start making plans.

I never said I was, so why would someone want to go round actually taking notice of my posts Hmm. Odd. Lots of times, the people have no intention of making plans, sadly. Start thread after thread for years sometimes. But musn't hold them accountable as adults.