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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Silent treatment!

86 replies

Redrum2020 · 28/09/2020 13:39

How do people deal with the silent treatment? It’s become increasingly more regular that if I have any disagreement with my husband he completely cuts me off. It’s getting to a point he even stays away. I know this is a form of control as he’s used to do it to his ex wife. I find myself apologising just to clear the air. I am not sure how much longer I can take this as it’s mentally straining .

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/09/2020 15:10

Basically this man does whatever it takes to stop you asking him questions that he can't answer!

billy1966 · 28/09/2020 15:12

What a nasty excuse of a man.

Are you cleaning up after everyone?

Stop it.
Just accept things are over and do absolutely nothing for him.

Your children not wanting to be there for Christmas says everything.

They may have to, just explain that that this is what needs to happen at the moment.

You are in an abusive relationship, check does that impact your rental.

At the very least tell the tenants so they have as much time as possible.

He's a manipulative asshole.
Leave him to his crying.

Ick.

BlueThistles · 28/09/2020 15:18

He sounds so awful.

Sparklesocks · 28/09/2020 15:19

At best it’s childish and at worst it’s abusive. It’s now how adults should solve their problems. If he needs some time to himself after a disagreement that’s one thing (in fact often a good thing as you both calm down) but actively ignoring you is quite another. It’s manipulative and a cynical attempt to get his own way.

Sparklesocks · 28/09/2020 15:20

*not how adults

EKGEMS · 28/09/2020 15:27

Your poor children-you say he's far more strict with them vs his own children? Now they see a man who cries and stonewalls their mother for asking a normal question? Can you honestly say there were no warning signs prior to living together?

LilyLongJohn · 28/09/2020 15:28

It is soul destroying, I'd run myself ragged trying to get my ex to speak to me. It was much better once I'd checked out of the relationship, and it sounds like you're almost there. I would simply carry on with my life. I'd continue to make him food if I made anything, cups of coffee etc, as I thought it was the right thing to do, but I started hobbies, would take the kids out for the day etc etc. I'd sometimes even forgot he lived with me.

Tbh I wish I'd not taken the moral high ground and not cooked and cleaned for him.

The ignoring was one of the reasons I left him.

pointythings · 28/09/2020 15:34

Inform your tenants that their lease will not be renewed. Start planning your exit and the divorce. Detach from him; total grey rock, look after yourself and your DC, leave him to sort himself out in everything. Don't chase him for a response, that's what he wants.

Mine used to cry and paint himself the victim too - different situation, but it's a thing they do. Don't fall for it.

billy1966 · 28/09/2020 15:40

Oh and tell him to fxxk off with his disciplining your children.

The cheek of him.

Why have you accepted this?

Graphista · 28/09/2020 15:40

Some people can cry "on command" I've a sister who does this shit! No reason why a man might not be capable too. Common tool used by bullies to make them appear to be the victim.

MrsToothyBitch · 28/09/2020 15:46

As others have said, just carry on calmly and start to plan your exit. Good luck x

excuseforfights · 28/09/2020 15:47

It never gets better. 6 years and counting here. It started with 3 days in earl marriage, not it be anything from 3 days , 2 weeks, to 3 months Sad

Original poster
Redrum2020 · 28/09/2020 16:02

I haven’t excepted the discipline of my kids and the unfairness of it. This is what 99.5 percent of our disagreements are about. When it’s his kids playing up he conveniently doesn’t notice . Any excuse to turn my kids internet off is used. He’s got one of those individual internet blockers which he uses fairly frequently on my kids.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 28/09/2020 16:10

He needs to learn to communicate if he has an issue, not just ignore you until he decides things are okay again.

My mum used to act like this when I was a child, and I strongly believe this contributed to my anxiety disorder as an adult.

It will be the same for you - it'll wear you down, and you'll find yourself doing everything you can to 'please' him, because you won't want him to give you the silent treatment.

I'd give him the ultimatum that if he doesn't start dealing with things better, you're leaving.

I know it might seem a bit OTT but honestly, I know how these things progress and how they can wear you down over time. The quicker you leave, the quicker you'll be happy in a new style of life that doesn't involve being controlled.

mbosnz · 28/09/2020 16:14

So when you step in to prevent or stop him bullying your kids, he then turns his bullying attentions on you? He's the very picture of the wicked stepfather, isn't he?!

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2020 16:17

@Redrum2020

I haven’t excepted the discipline of my kids and the unfairness of it. This is what 99.5 percent of our disagreements are about. When it’s his kids playing up he conveniently doesn’t notice . Any excuse to turn my kids internet off is used. He’s got one of those individual internet blockers which he uses fairly frequently on my kids.
He's a bully.

Are you married?

BlueThistles · 28/09/2020 16:24

I'd be finding a BIN for that internet blocker asap, how dare he do that to only your kids.

DragonPie · 28/09/2020 16:25

Grey rock him. Google it, don’t pander to him. And plan your exit.

FOJN · 28/09/2020 16:25

The lovely behaviour when you agree with him is his way of conditioning you to appease him for the sake of harmony.

I agree with other posters that the only way to deal with it until you can leave is to ignore it, although I know this is very hard to do. Without wishing to make light of the situation I think him taking his case and staying away is a good thing because at least he's not in the house creating a tense, toxic atmosphere.

You have my sympathy, my ex could carry on the silent treatment for over a month, it's exhausting. It only gets worse, never better.

I don't know how you've organised renting your house out. You won't be able to evict the tenant but you don't know if they are looking to move and waiting until the end of the contract to avoid any penalties so it might be worth mentioning to the letting agent that your circumstances might change and you would forgive the tenants any penalties for early termination of the contract.

HollowTalk · 28/09/2020 16:29

Do you think your children are happy to live with him? What would their reaction be if you told them you were all going to leave?

Modestandatinybitsexy · 28/09/2020 16:44

@Redrum2020 it sucks that you're facing a week of silent treatment but hopefully it's given you the push you need to get you and your dc away from this arse.

gokartdillydilly · 28/09/2020 16:46

March isn't so very far away: time to get your act together. Give your tenants notice that they need to be out by then, and there will be no sanctions if they leave before the contract is up. You never know, they might jump at the chance of leaving early.

Good luck, OP. He sounds horrible x

BatShite · 28/09/2020 16:57

Ugh. Am currently experiencing this due to saying no to him randomly getting a fucking corn snake. It just seems such a ridiculous thing..but I am massively unreasonable apparently. He got a bearded dragon a month back and started ranting on and on about how he wanted a snake. We can barely afford to live as it is. I have a bit of sympathy as I know hes trying to find stuff to occupy his time after being furloughed for ages, but..its getting ridiculous now and we are not becoming a zoo due to boredom.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/09/2020 16:57

You need to get out - he won't get any better.

In the meantime, be very very upbeat and positive around him. Take no notice of his baby sulks and tantrums, be happy and chatty with your children and make him realise that he's really only hurting himself by behaving like this.

He's trying to train you into behaving the way he wants you to. Like you'd train a dog.

comingintomyown · 28/09/2020 16:58

I used to tell my friend I had been sent to Siberia when I got this treatment from my ex , horrible memories