Husband sending money to parents abroad without telling me?

[NotSoWonderWoman]

We don’t have enough money as it is for ourselves and I’m bloody furious about this.

Can I just preface this by saying when we got into a relationship, I had no idea this was a cultural norm. There was no interweb back then and I can assure you that if I had been able to search up his culture I would have run for the bloody hills as he and his family are stereotypical but I unfortunately didn’t know until I was already pregnant and over 3 years into our relationship.

I am most pissed of that his parents had the opportunity to come and live in the UK permanently earlier into our relationship, and could have gone back home for part of the year if they wished, and would now have got pensions and free medical care, but they refused despite knowing they’d need their DC to send them money for the rest of their lives .

DH hasn’t sent a lot of money back since we had DC. His two older brothers have always been better off than us so have taken on the bulk of it. DH has always felt very guilty about this and this has affected our relationship as I really didn’t sign up for worrying about his parents finances and he caused stress about us buying stuff or going on holiday when he couldn’t send money ‘home’ when we were better off in the past.

In the UK, parents generally help out their DC not the other way round. Mine don’t but still! We are struggling in a rented place and can only visit them if we have a spare £500+ to leave them after travel costs and paying for everything while we’re there. My DC have never received as much as a ‘happy birthday’ from them as they don’t celebrate it despite knowing we do and DC are half English.

I found out he was sending the odd £100 here and there last year and he knew I wasn’t happy as DC need new mattresses, we need a new chest of drawers etc. I’m a SAHM, not out of choice as DD3 has disabilities, so he says it’s his money and he’ll do what he likes.

I get his parents need support but they have two adult children who live with them who both work, and they have a pension, enough for food. The money sent over is now going to be a regular thing for medication both PIL’s are on. They have a massive house built, mortgage free, by his brothers and it’s luxury compared to how we live.

AIBU to be really resentful about this?

Thank you @GingerScallop

What happened to the money from your house you had before you met the scumbag liar?

OP, I am sorry for your situation. I know Albania and came close to marrying an Albanian myself. Your story makes me glad I didn’t, though he was a decent man.
Thing is, Albanian men are very chauvinistic as a rule. Your opinion will never count for much. Do you have any way of getting away, with the children, and making a new life where he can’t find you? Because there’s bad stuff goes on in Albania when a woman wants to leave, and at the very least he’d want to take your children and send them over there. Sorry to put it so starkly but you need to plan a way out of this.

My DH is of a similar culture
However i knew all this before we got married. And yes it grinds my gears sometimes and he knows this but it's his parents at the end of the day and i wouldn't see them without. As i hope my own kids wouldn't. However we are lucky enough to live in the UK where we probably won't need our kids to support us!

OP my DH is Chinese. Before we were married he made it clear to me that he would support his mother by sending her money for the rest of her life. I had known him for 3 years by then and understood not only the culture but the circumstances of his family well. It is very important these things are expressly discussed before marriage - because it had been, it was never an issue between us (she died 10 years ago)