Husband sending money to parents abroad without telling me?

[NotSoWonderWoman]

We don’t have enough money as it is for ourselves and I’m bloody furious about this.

Can I just preface this by saying when we got into a relationship, I had no idea this was a cultural norm. There was no interweb back then and I can assure you that if I had been able to search up his culture I would have run for the bloody hills as he and his family are stereotypical but I unfortunately didn’t know until I was already pregnant and over 3 years into our relationship.

I am most pissed of that his parents had the opportunity to come and live in the UK permanently earlier into our relationship, and could have gone back home for part of the year if they wished, and would now have got pensions and free medical care, but they refused despite knowing they’d need their DC to send them money for the rest of their lives .

DH hasn’t sent a lot of money back since we had DC. His two older brothers have always been better off than us so have taken on the bulk of it. DH has always felt very guilty about this and this has affected our relationship as I really didn’t sign up for worrying about his parents finances and he caused stress about us buying stuff or going on holiday when he couldn’t send money ‘home’ when we were better off in the past.

In the UK, parents generally help out their DC not the other way round. Mine don’t but still! We are struggling in a rented place and can only visit them if we have a spare £500+ to leave them after travel costs and paying for everything while we’re there. My DC have never received as much as a ‘happy birthday’ from them as they don’t celebrate it despite knowing we do and DC are half English.

I found out he was sending the odd £100 here and there last year and he knew I wasn’t happy as DC need new mattresses, we need a new chest of drawers etc. I’m a SAHM, not out of choice as DD3 has disabilities, so he says it’s his money and he’ll do what he likes.

I get his parents need support but they have two adult children who live with them who both work, and they have a pension, enough for food. The money sent over is now going to be a regular thing for medication both PIL’s are on. They have a massive house built, mortgage free, by his brothers and it’s luxury compared to how we live.

AIBU to be really resentful about this?

@Bikinib0tt0m

I find it strange that you knew nothing about this culture and how they go about things with their families just because you didn't have Google back then. Do people not talk about these things before having long term relationships and babies?

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My DH is from South Asia and he always supported his parents (now deceased). This is standard and I was always aware of it, I actually think it shows that he is a good person and I always respected my in-laws. Just to warn you that if your husband has a large extended family ‘back home’ this doesn’t necessarily ever stop, at least your DH has two brothers! Also, when alive my in-laws never sent our children birthday cards/presents, culturally it wasn’t on their radar.

It can be hard work marrying someone from a different cultural background, your children are obviously mixed so it is important that they/you understand it. I have always tried but still have experienced quite a lot of problems (that I won’t go into) so appreciate your predicament.

@12309845653ghydrvj

Big house in a poor country is cheap, versus the medicines they need and have to pay for.

The UK is one of very few countries in the world where it is considered normal for children to not support their parents as they get older and need help. If they need medicines, that is on the same level as needing food and it is something that he will of course want to help with (and should help with). It doesn’t sound like he’s sending them a huge lot anyway?

I think the big issue is communication, and him feeling he gets to make the financial choices for you both. It sounds like you need to do anything possible to get a bit of financial independence, is there any way you can work part time (maybe remote?) to up your incomes? And make clear that these are family finances and thus need to be discussed?

However sorry I think it’s really unreasonable for a new chest of drawers to be a priority over his family’s medicines. It is a cultural thing—I’m not from the UK and I have quite a visceral reaction to this! In many cultures this would be a literal insult to his position as an adult and a decent member of society. Personally I think the UK attitude to this is weird, but we can agree to disagree as it’s a cultural difference!

tbh I'm from the UK and could never have my parents unable to afford medical care and instead choose to purchase a chest if drawers. I just couldn't do it. Similarly if my parents were struggling now I am not I would definitely help them. They are the reason I'm successful. Luckily they made some sensible investments are are ok but I wiuld never see them struggle and I still treat them now. But to be fair I would give my sister money if she needed it too. A family that loves one another surely does this? UK culture, if it doesn't include being a decent human and doing this, completely passed me by

The issues here are the failure to discuss that this would be happening prior to settling down, and the fact that the DH thinks he gets the only say as he's the earner. Sending money back isn't intrinsically unreasonable, but in those circumstances it is. The DHs actions are indefensible.

LOL what is this shit about the UK treating our families like shit whilst in other cultures it's all saintly caring? Would that not ordinarily be called "lazy stereotyping"?
Cut the crap. In the uk we look after our parents and respect them but they also do not treat us like cash cows born for the single purpose of providing.

Again - who cares about his culture? The op isn't from his culture and he isnt living there. The onus wasnt on her to research this, the onus was on him to explain it.

As usual the man is blameless. As usual a woman can have her money siphoned off under the guise of "cultural difference".

You're being taken for a fool OP. Its 2020. Stand up for yourself, tell him he needs to stop or you're walking.

Where is he from? There are differences between a big house in a village vs a big house in the capital. Also, wealth is relative. My grandparents live in a big house on a small island and we all club together to pay bills; children and grandchildren (all UK born). Even though my grandparents will never be broke with all the support, the cost of living is ridiculously expensive, and medical emergencies are even more so.

Also, will he get a share in his parents house? Trust me, if he is to inherit a share, he knows exactly what he's doing! Not sending cash home can be like writing yourself out of the lives of family abroad/inheritance, depending on culture and individuals involved of course.

He has a commitment that is part of who he is. You opted to have three children and be a sahm.

The error is not him helping his family which is part of his culture but the joint decision to have three kids on one income only therefore leaving you short.

I don't understand how this was not known by yourself before though if it's a common estabishment of his culture.

Again - who cares about his culture? The op isn't from his culture and he isnt living there. The onus wasnt on her to research this, the onus was on him to explain it.

That attitude is not the basis for a viable intercultural relationship. If you have so little respect for your partner's culture, then frankly, you shouldn't be with them.

I agree that there was an onus on him to explain certain things, but equally, I think there was an onus on the OP to find out more herself. It's incredibly ethnocentric to just assume that everyone will follow your idea of normal unless they tell you otherwise. Both of them assumed things that should not have been assumed.

@AlexaShutUp

It wouldn't even occur to most people in the UK that you would be paying a "parent tax" without a say in it. You can research a culture but how you would come across that specific information on what your husband would be doing with the household income, I have no idea. The DH had been living in the UK.

The onus was very clearly on the man to say "look I've seen how you guys do things here, just to let you know that my parents will expect us to pay a parent tax".

@NotSoWonderWoman how are your children all still children if you didn’t have the internet? Your eldest must be 23/24 at least.

‘His’ money. That would piss me right off.

[quote AldiAisleofCrap]@NotSoWonderWoman how are your children all still children if you didn’t have the internet? Your eldest must be 23/24 at least.[/quote]
Not necessarily. My family got it at home about 2003ish. We were fairly late adopters but by no means the latest. I very much doubt the majority of the population had internet access in 1996.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer I don’t mean the op necessarily had the internet at home - there was Internet cafes etc.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer op said this There was no interweb back then and I can assure you that if I had been able to search

There were, but there were huge swathes of the population for whom that wasn't on their radar. We wouldn't have had one in our area then, for example. I do not believe that the majority of the population were even using the internet regularly in 1996. If you have stats suggesting otherwise, by all means post them, but until and unless you do, your suggestion sounds unrealistic.

@GoldfishParade I agree, the responsibility was on him to make it clear very early on and inform her of this very important fact. The same way I would expect a new partner to mention he financially supports DC from a previous relationship and therefore his commitment will impact the family income. It's deceitful to expect OP to somehow be aware or to put up with this if his cultural norms. Fwiw I know of many couples from my culture (one born here, one country of origin), who are in a similar situation and the British born individual is extremely resentful of a large amount of money being regularly sent to family who is more than capable of working or setting up a small business of their own. But they become reliant on this free money and it is never enough. It has caused a breakdown of marriages. So it's not even culural clash, it's just selfishness and being unreasonable.

Sorry to come back so late. Typed out a big response last night, then phone died and I lost it!

To answer a few queries.

DH’s parent’s didn’t sacrifice a lot for him at all. He told me stories about him having to walk miles to school in the snow with holes in his shoes as they didn’t have money for bus fares and decent shoes for him as he was the younger brother, the older ones got the bus and had nice shoes as they took precedence in his culture. Money was borrowed to bring them over here, and they paid it back when they started earning. They were sent here to earn and send back. They weren’t supposed to end up staying here, let alone marry someone out of culture.

I did not find out about this until I was pregnant. DH didn’t tell his family I was pregnant until one of his brothers bumped into us in the street when I was around 7 months gone. Then the shit hit the fan!

We had separate finances until I bought a house during my pregnancy so I was unaware of what he did with his money. We lived together before that and split the bills. I was brought up in a small town and had no idea about foreign cultures. I’d only moved to London less than a month before we met.

DH’s brothers made good use of going to University here and council housing whereas DH had to continue working in low paid jobs (black market) so he could still send money home while they were studying. That was right up until we had our 1st DC. They are still in the UK and built a luxury house over there for their parents. DH was under stress to contribute even though we had financial issues at the time and had to sell our own house and start renting. His family massively look down on him for that.

I feel like our relationship is built on lies and deceit. DH was illegal here when we met, on an expired tourist visa. He told me he came from a different country and gave me a fake name. He didn’t come clean for 3 months as he didn’t expect to get into a proper relationship with me. I ditched him straight away but he persued me so I agreed to get back with him if he declared himself and applied for asylum which he did. His brothers already had but he was supposed to have gone home when they’d finished studying so they weren’t happy about that.

My mistake, there was internet when we got together but it would never have occurred to me to Google his culture and traditions back then. I was very young, stupid and in love! I feel sick when I think of one our DD’s getting involved with someone like him at the age I was. I never even visited the country until 10 years in.

He’s Albanian.

We had another discussion last night and he’s said he has to give something regularly now as he hasn’t given enough over the years and that’s that.

I had to quit work due to DD being in and out of school (ASD and learning disability). She can’t be left alone for long as very vulnerable and prone to wandering. DH wouldn’t be a SAHD even though I had the better job as he’s a MAN.

I can’t afford to leave or I would have years ago.

I got married before we had internet, I don’t see it as relevant. I knew well before marriage about the money to parents aspect from general conversation and sometimes I would go into the money transfer places with him if he needed to go and we were in town together. Your husband shouldn’t have kept this aspect of his life a secret, what culture is he from?

He's wrong when he says it's his money. You are unable to work because you are caring for his SN daughter. Any money coming in should be family money and you both need to sit down and come up with a budget that is fair. This may mean having a joint acct for all bills and any expenses for the kids, and then splitting the rest into 2 between yours and his accounts. That would be fair.

I don't think it's so bad that he's sent money, if that's what is normal in his culture, but it's really awful that he has lied about this. I would find it really hard to forgive my DH if I found out he had lied to me about money. I would struggle to trust him again, and once the trust is broken it can be damn near impossible to get the relationship back to a good place that's actually worth being in for both parties.

Yes, in this situation, anything other than a family money arrangement between the two of you is him exploiting you OP. There is simply no excuse for the partner who is working, who essentially insisted on the other partner not, to appoint himself sole decision maker about where the money goes. The cultural issues are a red herring.

Thanks for the update, unfortunately things are not going to change especially if your child will not be able to live independently. He has now laid his cards on the table. Do you have support from your family/friends? If there is no love or respect in your relationship you need to make a long term plan in the interests of your children and your future.

@GoldfishParade

LOL what is this shit about the UK treating our families like shit whilst in other cultures it's all saintly caring? Would that not ordinarily be called "lazy stereotyping"? Cut the crap. In the uk we look after our parents and respect them but they also do not treat us like cash cows born for the single purpose of providing.

Again - who cares about his culture? The op isn't from his culture and he isnt living there. The onus wasnt on her to research this, the onus was on him to explain it.

As usual the man is blameless. As usual a woman can have her money siphoned off under the guise of "cultural difference".

You're being taken for a fool OP. Its 2020. Stand up for yourself, tell him he needs to stop or you're walking.

Your answer is reinforcing the ‘lazy stereotyping’. OP mentioned the money is for medicine, why wouldn’t it be ok to contribute that for your parents?

I have no issue with the concept of supporting family where necessary, but I do query exactly how much money these people need. They live in Albania (I assume?) where money goes much further, and have three adult sons supporting them, two of whom they have assisted greatly while sacrificing the potential of your dh. This dynamic must very damaging for him, although I doubt you would be able to convince him of this.

I don’t think you will be able to change his mindset about this but I think you need to decide whether you continue to be a part of it.

This man has deliberately pulled the wool over your eyes in order to exploit you
Not a good basis for a relationship ☹️

@NotSoWonderWoman you would probably be better off getting rid of him even though you don't work! With finding out where you would stand financially anyway. He has lied to you repeatedly and now doesn't care about your opinion about sending money you can't afford home. You have one life, is this how you want to spend it?