Husband sending money to parents abroad without telling me?

[NotSoWonderWoman]

We don’t have enough money as it is for ourselves and I’m bloody furious about this.

Can I just preface this by saying when we got into a relationship, I had no idea this was a cultural norm. There was no interweb back then and I can assure you that if I had been able to search up his culture I would have run for the bloody hills as he and his family are stereotypical but I unfortunately didn’t know until I was already pregnant and over 3 years into our relationship.

I am most pissed of that his parents had the opportunity to come and live in the UK permanently earlier into our relationship, and could have gone back home for part of the year if they wished, and would now have got pensions and free medical care, but they refused despite knowing they’d need their DC to send them money for the rest of their lives .

DH hasn’t sent a lot of money back since we had DC. His two older brothers have always been better off than us so have taken on the bulk of it. DH has always felt very guilty about this and this has affected our relationship as I really didn’t sign up for worrying about his parents finances and he caused stress about us buying stuff or going on holiday when he couldn’t send money ‘home’ when we were better off in the past.

In the UK, parents generally help out their DC not the other way round. Mine don’t but still! We are struggling in a rented place and can only visit them if we have a spare £500+ to leave them after travel costs and paying for everything while we’re there. My DC have never received as much as a ‘happy birthday’ from them as they don’t celebrate it despite knowing we do and DC are half English.

I found out he was sending the odd £100 here and there last year and he knew I wasn’t happy as DC need new mattresses, we need a new chest of drawers etc. I’m a SAHM, not out of choice as DD3 has disabilities, so he says it’s his money and he’ll do what he likes.

I get his parents need support but they have two adult children who live with them who both work, and they have a pension, enough for food. The money sent over is now going to be a regular thing for medication both PIL’s are on. They have a massive house built, mortgage free, by his brothers and it’s luxury compared to how we live.

AIBU to be really resentful about this?

Big house in a poor country is cheap, versus the medicines they need and have to pay for.

The UK is one of very few countries in the world where it is considered normal for children to not support their parents as they get older and need help. If they need medicines, that is on the same level as needing food and it is something that he will of course want to help with (and should help with). It doesn’t sound like he’s sending them a huge lot anyway?

I think the big issue is communication, and him feeling he gets to make the financial choices for you both. It sounds like you need to do anything possible to get a bit of financial independence, is there any way you can work part time (maybe remote?) to up your incomes? And make clear that these are family finances and thus need to be discussed?

However sorry I think it’s really unreasonable for a new chest of drawers to be a priority over his family’s medicines. It is a cultural thing—I’m not from the UK and I have quite a visceral reaction to this! In many cultures this would be a literal insult to his position as an adult and a decent member of society. Personally I think the UK attitude to this is weird, but we can agree to disagree as it’s a cultural difference!

Also his parents shouldn’t be expected to move to be more convenient to you! It sounds like it wouldn’t actually be cheaper that way anyway—you’d probably have to be covering UK rent for them too, and higher UK food costs (I’m assuming they’re for a country where the exchange rate means money goes a long way? Otherwise his 100 here and there wouldn’t be much anyway?)

They have a massive house built, mortgage free, by his brothers and it’s luxury compared to how we live

Are the older brothers, the same adult DCs who live with them?

When you say mortgage free, most of these countries don't have a system of mortgages, so everyone is mortgage free...or they rent.

I wonder if his brothers are really well off, or just in a better position than you financially.

The way it comes across, is as though his parents are living a cushy life and his brothers are easily able to support them. Perhaps your lack of knowledge in regards to his culture, is giving you a different perception than what the reality is for them.

I

He shouldn't be abandoning his father duties and supporting you and your children, in favour of his parents when his brothers are also sending.

I come from a culture (central Asian) where this is normal but even my Dh doesn't do this, as he doesn't think we have extra money outside of our house first.

And btw even in Islam, YOU HIS WIFE has more right over his money than his parents, it's one of our few rights we have which come before everyone else.

But considering you probably won't leave him or he won't change, what I do think you should do is, perhaps look for random jobs online? Earn a little bit of money and keep it to yourself, build it up, have a look at the £10 a day threads and try earn some money for YOURSELF

I'm from a culture where money is regularly sent 'home' to support close family. I grew up witnessing my DF work overtime and double jobs just so he could provide for us as well as his parents in his home country. DM worked for a short while but was happier being a full time HW. She had no living parents or siblings to help. We lived modestly as did many in the 80s but never went without and DF bought us a house as soon as he could, a car, we ate well and always got what we wished. He never gave them priority over us. In fact he never sent more than necessary as he knew it would never be enough and didn't want his siblings (still at home) to become lazy and dependent! Now DF is in his 60's and DGM is very very frail and poorly so needs extra money for a carer, but once she passes away then the money also stops. He is not obliged to support married siblings. They are more than capable of supporting themselves. He does however frequently send money to the extremely poor and orphans/widows in their village who have no source of income.

Anyway yanbu OP. He should not give them priority over yours and DC's needs. Many family members receiving this free money don't appreciate or realize that family here is having to go without just so they can live comfortably.

This is a pisstake and I'm not interested in the cultural aspect. You arent from that culture, you dont live in that culture, so screw that.

Cut your losses. He wont change. You arent being prioritised and you never will

He says it’s his money No it bloody well isn't! You keep house for him and look after the children, and you are entitled to your share. He'll find out if you divorce him.
... and he’ll do what he likes - unfortunately, yes he does because he is a selfish prick and he is keeping financial power over you.

If you lived in his country, you'd have to accept his customs. But he lives in this country, where women have some rights, and his first duty is to his wife and children. His parents' demands will keep increasing the more he gives in to them. Would you and the children be better off without him?

Women's Aid has information about financial abuse. Good luck, OP.

It's difficult isnt it.
I have a friend from India who is supporting both her and her DHs parents back in India.
Despite working FT in professional jobs here, they are always short of cash and the more she sends the more they demand.

When her mother visited recently my friend hired a maid to help with kitchen/domestic tasks etc as her mother has several staff at home and will not even make herself a cup of tea!
Her mother is not elderly (59) and is in very good health. She does nothing back home except meet her girlfriends to gossip. Meanwhile my lovely friend is killing herself working harder and harder to subsidise her parents.

your post is very egocentric..his culture is obviously more family and community focused.

Did you miss that they live in a mortgage free massive house and have two adult children living with them? Why should OP's family go without to support people who don't actually need supporting?

My df was like that, he deprived us and would send money back to his parents abroad. The problem with this is that they become lazy and expect you to. I can understand the elderly grandparents when they don't have pensions etc but they should have surely worked for it? But in some cultures, having children means extra income and they take care of you when you are old. I don't agree with it and have always resented my father for this as my mum went through hell during the marriage which ultimately caused us having mental health issues due to being brought up in a toxic household.

I don’t understand why you can’t get w job, surely you can work when your husband is not?

Unbelievable! You think OP should get a job to support her DH's parents in another country? Wow - just wow.

I can understand the elderly grandparents when they don't have pensions etc but they should have surely worked for it?

Not all countries have a pension scheme, even when you work. Some do, but I have an Uncle in my country of origin who should have got one...but the company went bust. There is no state pension to fall back on. Luckily, he has several DC and DGC that help him out.

It's a shame/embarrassment in these communities to have DC...especially if they're abroad and you're suffering. People will think your kids are useless.

In these cultures, your kids are your pension.

They don't have social security benefits

They don't have free medical care

If you have no food, you could pretty much starve ...no food banks either

You may not be from that culture, but your H is and he won't take kindly to you telling him not to help his parents with medication.

It's not a case of we live in the UK so stuff your culture...it doesn't work that way in reality.

Common sense should prevail where his own children have needs though.

My parents supported my GP when they were alive by sending money back. It was never to our detriment and we always had what we needed and more...so I totally agree that your DCs needs should be met.

It could be that he doesn't think the mattresses are a big priority.

I also agree with others, that you should look into an income earner if possible.

I'm with you op. I would be livid.

"In the UK, parents generally help out their DC not the other way round"

This isn't always the case, especially in porter areas. My East End Dad paid his old Mum an allowance all his working life, even at the beginning when he was really hard up and had a wife and baby to support.

You are caring for his children. His earnings are your money as much as his. If he wants to send them money it should be out of his discretionary income, after the needs of your household have been met and you get a discretionary budget as well.

As someone who is married to someone from this kind of culture, I don't really understand why you wouldn't have researched it properly before getting married. You say there was no internet back then, but you also seem to have dc who are young enough to be at home, so I'm a bit confused about that, but even if that's the case, surely there would have been other ways to find out a bit more?

As someone who has obviously been in an intercultural relationship for decades, I'm surprised by your annoyance at the fact that yout in-laws chose not to relocate.It's a pretty big shift and fair enough if they wanted to stay in their own country.

The cultural expectation on your dh to send money home will be a huge one - deeply ingrained and not easy to just shrug off. I don't think he is being unreasonable to want to contribute, especially as his brothers are carrying most of the load. However, you're not being unreasonable either, in having your own cultural values and feeling that your dc should come first.

I don't think either of you is wrong, it's just a clash of values. However, if you genuinely can't work due to your dd's disability, then I think his comment about it being his money is out of order. Ideally, you should discuss the decision and find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.

As someone who is married to someone from this kind of culture, I don't really understand why you wouldn't have researched it properly before getting married.

While that is a fair comment, isn't it also true that the OP's husband should have told her about this expectation before they married? Why is it all on her to find out about it? If I was in that situation I would never begin a serious relationship without telling the other person beforehand that I was expected to provide for my parents.

It most is a cultural norm and I can't believe you are so unaware that you didn't know. Maybe it's just an issue to you now, or you somehow assumed your husband would be different somehow because he got together with you. This is a culture clash and ultimately the sense of duty towards parents is hard to break. If he agrees to stop sending money to his parents do you think that's going to make for a happier marriage for you both?

I sent my parents money ( not monthly but a couple of times a year) it is part of my culture. My parents don’t demand it, but there is no pensions/welfare system where they are and it’s normal for kids to support the elderly. I assume this is similar where OP parents are from the comment about medicine..
If my husband started complaining about the money I was sending to them We would have massive problems. I know it’s not your culture OP but you have to try and compromise with him.. it will affect his relationship with his parents, but also his siblings and I’m sure he personally feels guilt too for not being able to contribute like the others do.

I come from one of those cultures or rather economies (as it's largely an issue of lack of pensions or official social support). I support my family when I can but early on, I also told them they have an obligation to care for me financially when I was a child becßthey chose to have me, I didn't ask to be born so the other way round wasn't an obligation. I know even in same culture, this issue can be damaging. Now to your ißsue:

Oh sending money when you have other basic needs like mattress. Not ok. Especially when it's not discussed.
OH sending money secretly not ok.
OH saying it's his money to do as he pleases, Def not ok. It's also yours and your DC's!!!!
You not knowing this very basic aspect of his culture, not ok.
You resenting parents for not settling in UK for freebies, not ok.
You resenting his sending money for medication, not ok but still needs to be discussed and balanced.
Your relationship needs a lot discussion and resetting of expectations

You said if you knew about his culture, you would run for the Hills. Would you mind elaborating???

My Dh is from another culture. Hes african and I am British. He was brought up in a rich part of his country. However I know that people from the poorer villages, who come to work and live in the UK are meant to or want to send money monthly back to their families who dont live as well as others. Or they have to , to avoid being disowned. Their way of thinking is, if you live in the UK and are making loads of money , you should send some back for us. And that's even if they dont live in a poor part of Asia or africa. Quite silly really. I'd happily give my mother and father money if they did their hardest to raise me in a very poor environment. I would try and help out. But not because if I didn't then I would be disowned or looked down on.....

My husband doesnt send anything back to his family. They all live in the capital city which is very modern and fancy. He only buys gifts as you do when visiting every few years.

Yanbu

I'd understand if they were dirt poor and living in a dire country where they drink and eat crap, I'd be wanting to help and go without the chest of drawers, if it meant providing food for poor people in need. But their case sounds quite the opposite. They have their eldest two kids who by the sounds of it provide for them too and have a massive house. Is your husband giving the money freely, hence him saying it's his money or does he HAVE to because of their culture and traditions.

On the note of them not wishing happy birthday. Perhaps they follow islam as in the religion, you dont celebrate birthdays or christmas. Which is not the end of the world. But they could still make the effort to call now and again to check in on everyone and send their love.
I have in laws overseas and they call to check in and make sure we are all ok
My husband has different culture, but we have 5 kids together and I have too embraced the culture. I love learning the language and cooking and so on to share with the children their mixed heritage. When you married him, you knew he was a different ethnicity or nationality ......is it his culture that is the bother or his and his parents stereotypical ways.

I suggest you talk to your husband about how you feel, ie you dont work so his money is both your money and that the children need things and some things are going amiss in order to appease his parents.
All my love.

Yes yes yes yes @mamaonamission

I am most pissed of that his parents had the opportunity to come and live in the UK permanently earlier into our relationship, and could have gone back home for part of the year if they wished, and would now have got pensions and free medical care

I don’t understand this statement, who would have provided your in-laws with free pensions & medical care?

@poppy UK government?