Husband sending money to parents abroad without telling me?

[NotSoWonderWoman]

We don’t have enough money as it is for ourselves and I’m bloody furious about this.

Can I just preface this by saying when we got into a relationship, I had no idea this was a cultural norm. There was no interweb back then and I can assure you that if I had been able to search up his culture I would have run for the bloody hills as he and his family are stereotypical but I unfortunately didn’t know until I was already pregnant and over 3 years into our relationship.

I am most pissed of that his parents had the opportunity to come and live in the UK permanently earlier into our relationship, and could have gone back home for part of the year if they wished, and would now have got pensions and free medical care, but they refused despite knowing they’d need their DC to send them money for the rest of their lives .

DH hasn’t sent a lot of money back since we had DC. His two older brothers have always been better off than us so have taken on the bulk of it. DH has always felt very guilty about this and this has affected our relationship as I really didn’t sign up for worrying about his parents finances and he caused stress about us buying stuff or going on holiday when he couldn’t send money ‘home’ when we were better off in the past.

In the UK, parents generally help out their DC not the other way round. Mine don’t but still! We are struggling in a rented place and can only visit them if we have a spare £500+ to leave them after travel costs and paying for everything while we’re there. My DC have never received as much as a ‘happy birthday’ from them as they don’t celebrate it despite knowing we do and DC are half English.

I found out he was sending the odd £100 here and there last year and he knew I wasn’t happy as DC need new mattresses, we need a new chest of drawers etc. I’m a SAHM, not out of choice as DD3 has disabilities, so he says it’s his money and he’ll do what he likes.

I get his parents need support but they have two adult children who live with them who both work, and they have a pension, enough for food. The money sent over is now going to be a regular thing for medication both PIL’s are on. They have a massive house built, mortgage free, by his brothers and it’s luxury compared to how we live.

AIBU to be really resentful about this?

Hi op had to comment as my ex is also Albanian and I had all the issues you mentioned. His family see him as a cash cow always pleading hardship typical of albanian families. God knows how much he sent them over the years...we had nothing but still had to send money.So glad hes an ex and I don't have to go through that shit anymore.Albanian and english culture so different imo it rarely works.

Albanian men are also ignorant and misogynist. He will always view it as his word his final because he has a penis.It will never change.

And you will never be good enough for their son as your not Albanian they really think they are superior.

@Ilovegreentomatoes

And you will never be good enough for their son as your not Albanian they really think they are superior.

doesnt sound good:( why do they look down on British people?

This isn't a great relationship from what you have shared. Get some support and leave him. Are you on good terms with your family? Maybe some other mumsnetters would be able to point you in the direction of where to get support.

Any relationship requires give and take especially when one of you is from a different culture. You have to take responsibility for yourself and should have found out what his culture was like before having kids, especially more than one with him.

In some cultures it is important to support your family either financially or emotionally. We are asian and my mil is a widow, dh gives her money each month. He gives a sum we both agreed on regularly, it does not leave us in any difficulty, if it did we would reduce the amount. My belief is that she is his mum and has a right to his support (63 job prospects would be bleak).

Ltb because regardless of his culture you don't seem happy and would probably do better on your own.

Also agree with the above poster. The 'lol' is beyond ridiculous.

Honestly I dont understand why you cant leave?

If you had the better job, you might find yourself better off without him.

Cant quite believe you got with him at the outset. An illegal migrant working black market low paid jobs who lied to you about where he was from & his name, and you thought "this one's a keeper"... really

Many cultures send money home. If you aren't happy leave, if your dd is disabled you can claim benefits. That said you could work pt, I've managed to despite my dd being autistic and epileptic

Now I’ve seen the update, I think you should leave him. It doesn’t sound like a very pleasant situation

I was married to one and met many Albanian ppl and Albanians are extremely racist ppl you could not go to Albania if you were non white. Also Albanians are known as the pimps of Europe and sell vulnerable women for sex so sorry I do not have a better view of them.

The biggest number of foriegn nationals in uk prisons also happen to be albanian. Coincidence?

There have been threads about this before on here

My husband used to send money home every time we got a begging letter. We both worked full time and overtime and I thought we were doing the right thing by helping them.
We did not have many luxuries and I tried to save as much money as I could for house repairs etc, but when they asked we sent money regularly.
We paid for a new roof on the kitchen when the hurricane hit the island. We paid for weddings, and medical expenses. We paid for operations, and electric bills. We paid his sisters to go to Mecca when we holidayed in a caravan at the seaside.
We sent money for a new car, money for school books..in fact you name it we sent it.
Then they started asking for things like motorbikes and leather jackets.

It turned out that whatever money we sent it was only going to one person anyway and not being shared out.

Then he started sending money which I did not know about, and then he left us and went back home having sent all of our savings/investments to bank accounts over there.

When I realised the extent of it it was too late.

@anordinarymum

Wow you paid for the sisters to do hajj?????

That is amazing of you. I know it costs a lot. Wow. I'm just gobsmacked. I would love to do hajj myself but it will be a while. It is very expensive to go Mecca.

So you put all your life on hold and paid for their weddings, paying for dowries and so on. I hope they send extremely grateful letters every time they send their begging letter. I'm so glad my in-laws are not like this. Its ridiculous.... I'd understand helping then if they were poor and in desperate need. But it's not always the case.

Imagine paying for weddings. Don't get married if you can't afford it. Smh

It's hilarious that foreigners think British are minted. Some are, but all of us are hard working too and living in a low wage and getting by.

@anordinarymum

Leather jackets and motor bikes

Seriously

I hope you don't send anything now

I can't believe some of the answers! OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Your husband's duty is to make sure his family (you and your children) have everything you need. His parents had their whole life to make sure they have enough resources for their old age, if he can help, that's OK, but not if you are going without at the expense of his parents. All the PPs who say you should help them, are not aware that some of these parents & siblings think that in the more well-off countries the money grows on trees.
I'm myself from a country that has a lot of its citizens living abroad, and some of them are perhaps expected to help out their parents or siblings, though it's probably a very small %... I would resent that very much, because most of those people who left their country had to struggle a lot in the beginning of their life abroad, alone and without any support, the great majority certainly didn't go to private universities paid by their parents as some of the PPs seem to imply.
I'm personally not expected to help anyone financially and I don't. I buy presents when I visit, but they also buy presents for me. I may be lucky as it's really not necessary, my parents had a small business, invested in some modest properties they rent out and retired early, they don't spend much but they have more than enough for themselves and they probably still help out my younger sibling, who is married with children and is a SAHM. At one point my older sibling asked me to have my niece come and live with me or near me in the city where I lived at the time, because they felt like coming here to study (all paid by their parents, but I didn't want or need that kind of responsibility for a 18 year olds and I clearly said no). I was really appalled that they even remotely expected me to accept that kind of responsibility, at that point I just had my DS, and I absolutely deserved to be able to concentrate on my own family! I may have been a pushover at some other times, but I clearly saw that this was not going to happen, because I know how they would always hold me responsible for their own child. Had I wanted to become a mother at 20 and have an 18 year old by the time I was 38, I would have done that, wouldn't have I? Everyone is responsible for their own children.
I also never expected anything from anyone, it was really difficult in the beginning when I came here, my parents didn't want to help me out financially because they disagreed with me moving abroad. So why would I help anyone ever? I don't owe anything to anyone.

OP, I stand by my advice on what you did wrong and where your DH is wrong. On the other hand, your update makes me think there are many more deeper issues than your partner sending money home. As I said, I gave my parents boundaries on expectations well before I met my partner (I have seen this issue bring discord even in single people's lives in their own cultures!). They never expected help but we as siblings offer it when we see the need and dependent on our positions. I also told my English partner in advance that I might send some cash to parents/siblings depending on needs. He was ok with it (He often wants me to help more than I do). I also compromise with his family and culture's expectations that are sometimes new/strange to me. I believe that is important not only cross-country cultures but even if you are from same country, tribe, town, there will be differences in how things are done. Your DH lies repeatedly and about very important things. That is the issue. And he thinks his money is his only. That's absolutely wrong. Please look for help e.g. www.womensaid.org.uk/ and elsewhere for any help you can get to get out of this dreadful situation. Hopefully you can get out and live a happier life with your kids. Hugs and love

I don’t understand this statement, who would have provided your in-laws with free pensions & medical care?

The government! DD’s bf is not English. His parents came here to work when he was 9. His mother has a condition, which needs relatively expensive drugs. They won’t go back home, because they would have to pay for these drugs. Seeing as they will have worked here and paid taxes for years by the time they retire, they will be entitled to state and private pensions, and free care from the NHS!

How sad to see such racist and stereotypical responses about Albanians.

All the recent threads about racism and the outrage against black people and then you get these.

Pathetic! Like every culture, you get many different kind of people. OP has issues with her partner sending money to his family. That doesn't make him a horrible person and certainly doesn't make all Albanian men terrible people.

Shame in some posters here!

@dontdisturbmenow

How sad to see such racist and stereotypical responses about Albanians.

All the recent threads about racism and the outrage against black people and then you get these.

Pathetic! Like every culture, you get many different kind of people. OP has issues with her partner sending money to his family. That doesn't make him a horrible person and certainly doesn't make all Albanian men terrible people.

Shame in some posters here!

It is true that sending money to your family doesn't (in and of itself) make him terrible person but from OP's description her husband does sound pretty bad. other points made suggest that Albanian culture is incompatible with British culture because of conflicting family expectations

Exactly what Nottherealslimshady said

@dontdisturbmenow

How sad to see such racist and stereotypical responses about Albanians.

All the recent threads about racism and the outrage against black people and then you get these.

Pathetic! Like every culture, you get many different kind of people. OP has issues with her partner sending money to his family. That doesn't make him a horrible person and certainly doesn't make all Albanian men terrible people.

Shame in some posters here!

Indeed. How can Albanians be this and that. A nation of 2.8 million cant all behave the same. I also noted the initial assumptions that the hubby was African or Asian. I think the DH is not a wonderful partner because of the lies and saying my cash I can do what I want when his partner cant work because of a special needs child. And even if she worked, surely they should be working together as a couple. But yeah, the generalisations about Albanians esp by Ilovegreetomatoes who is using personal bitter experience to conclude on a who nation and culture. Wow!

other points made suggest that Albanian culture is incompatible with British culture because of conflicting family expectations
By stating Albanians are ignorant and misogynist, think they are superior and are racist? Because there are no such British men?

I know a number of Albanians who have mixed their culture to that of their British partners with no issues.

Why is it ok to make such racist generalities because the person for the context of this thread is Albanian? Disgusting.