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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I need to lower my standards after going in my neighbours flat tonight

88 replies

RPL1992 · 26/09/2020 20:47

Something in my flat broke tonight and I had to go downstairs in to my neighbour's flat for help. I'm a single mum of 2 DC under 6, she is married with one 3 year old DC. Honestly, I was shocked at how messy her flat was. I couldn't see any of the kitchen surfaces, dishes everywhere, clothes thrown over the floor and even on the hallway floor. I couldn't even put my daughter down as there was no space, a random matress in the hallway. My flat is messy in the day from toys but nowhere near to that extent, my washing up is always kept on top of and and the laundry is put away. I have a quick hoover around every night after the kids have gone to bed. What I did notice though, is how happy and smart her little one is and honestly, I felt kind of jealous that she clesrly cares so little about housework. It takes up quite a bit of my time and I guess that is time I could spend playing with my kids. I also feel that being a single mum, people judge me more and keeping a tidy home is proving a point that I'm "coping." How do I care less about housework? Or in your opinion, is housework important?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 26/09/2020 20:50

Her home doesn't sound anything to be jealous about. Her ds may well grow up to be too embarrassed to have friends over. You sound pretty average to me in terms of housework.

Toilenstripes · 26/09/2020 20:54

I really don’t think you should change anything about your life based on the few moments you spent in someone else’s flat. Just find the confidence to believe in yourself. 💐

Pinkshrimp · 26/09/2020 20:55

I started reading and thought you were just being judgmental about her mess until I got towards the end.

I regret now all the times I said “mummy has to do this” because I felt I had to hoover/clean the bathroom/do the dishes or whatever. Now teen I hardly see them, I wish I could rewind to the days playing, reading and just being needed to sit next to them. I wish I had known/knew how to care less. I hope someone can come along and give you tips soon.

KetoPenguin · 26/09/2020 20:55

I think it's striking a balance and not going too far in either direction. It also depends on things like how good you are at organisation, how much energy you have and so on, I wouldn't judge someone on this issue either way too quickly. You want your home to be comfortable to live in and reasonably hygienic but you don't want to give up all your free time with the dc and stress and exhaust yourself.

CherryPavlova · 26/09/2020 20:55

I dislike a messy house. I dislike jobs undone. My children are fine and had grim rooms as students. They are now quite house proud.

My good friend moved a number of times. She doesn’t really do housework. Clothes live in black bin liners. Hamsters escaped and lived under the floorboards. She always smelled the milk before making tea. Her children had grim rooms as students but as young adults and parents, they are quite fussy.

Children grow up and make their own ways despite their parents. Housework is only important if you think it is.

minipie · 26/09/2020 20:56

Everyone is different OP. I’ve thought the same about friends with messier houses (not as messy as you describe though) - wish I could be a bit more relaxed about that stuff and spend less time tidying.

However, I know that living in that level of mess would drive me crazy, I would hate it and be miserable. So yes I might have some extra time to spend with my DC but I wouldn’t be a better parent because of how the mess would make me feel. Also we wouldn’t be able to find anything and that causes stress.

If your neighbour can tolerate the mess and still find stuff then maybe it works for her.

UnaMujer · 26/09/2020 20:57

Nobody needs to feel jealous of anyone. You both have different parenting / housekeeping styles and neither is better or worse. You do what works best for your family.

Jamhandprints · 26/09/2020 20:59

Its not about lowering your standards. If you are able to keep on top of your housework, thats great. I'm sure its not that she doesnt care about it. If she's anything like me. I feel like I spend all day cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry and sweeping. and the house is still a total mess all the time. There are almost always dishes waiting to be washed and laundry gets put away once or twice a week so there's always a pile waiting. I just dont have enough hours in the day...and I definitely don't spend hours in leisurely play with my children.. I'm too busy failing at housework.

TheMandalorian · 26/09/2020 21:00

You are doing great. I'm sure your kids are bright and happy, and there's much to be said for having a clean, tidy home.
Maybe you could let a load of washing slide, then there is a backlog and before you know it, you too could have a mattress in the hallway. (Looks at mattress in the hallway which my kids were using as a trampoline earlier).
If you feel you are not giving the kids enough time maybe get the basics done, such as clothes wash, dishes, but consider cutting down how often you do non essentials like dusting, ironing. Bedding doesn't have to be changes every 3 days, etc.
I think there is a middle ground here though.

Viviennemary · 26/09/2020 21:03

It's important to keep reasonably clean and fairly tidy. A chaotic dirty messy house isn't good for anybody.

FlorenceNightshade · 26/09/2020 21:05

I think it comes down to what you can live with. If you wouldn’t be able to sit down and relax knowing there are little things needing done then do them. If you can let things slide and catch up later then do that.

I can cope with mess but not things being dirty. Clean but messy is fine and tidy up when you can. And unless it’s an actual health hazard never comment on anyone else’s standards

Notverybright · 26/09/2020 21:07

I don’t know though it’s a balancing act a messy house really makes me feel really down. It makes so much difference just to keep up with the pots and washing, surfaces everyday. Then dust hoover and clean the kitchen and bathrooms once/twice a week nothing obsessive or over the top.

Burnthurst187 · 26/09/2020 21:12

Housework is a necessary evil

Bins have to be emptied, washing up done, carpets hovered and clothes washed. It would be nice to just not do it but you can't. Everything would come to a holt eventually, you'd have nothing to wear, bins would overflow, the sink would be full etc

Mariola321 · 26/09/2020 21:18

I like my house tidy too. I would not suggest become lazy because a neighbour is lazy.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 26/09/2020 21:18

There is probably a middle ground between the sort of mess you describe in her flat (which sounds awful and not indicative of a happy mind) and hoovering every day. Why not try and aim for that middle ground? Keep your flat neat and tidy but let some of the less urgent jobs slide a bit - maybe hoover every other day if the carpets are looking ok and use the time saved for an extra bedtime story.

SantaClaritaDiet · 26/09/2020 21:19

How do I care less about housework? Or in your opinion, is housework important?

what IS important is your mental health. A messy (let alone dirty) home drives me crazy, I can't relax, I hate not finding anything, stressing about lost paperwork, missed appointments etc.. it just doesn't work for me.

I am happy in a house "visitor-ready" in my own standards, I don't care what people think. I find it easier to maintain a clean and tidy place daily than having to forever catch-up with the housework. I love the TOMM, but was doing the equivalent years before I read it.

It's worth the effort of rushing through housework first thing in the morning and be able to enjoy the day once I am done. It works for me.
Others prefer to spend their weekend doing chores, it works for them.

It doesn't matter about other people, it's your own home, you need to be comfortable in it.

BasKaro · 26/09/2020 21:20

It's not mutually exclusive, don't think that by being relaxed about housework suddenly means your dc will be so happy. Sure, evaluate exactly how much you might stress or spend time on unnecessary things but you can have a nice tidy home and happy kids too.

TownHallDesigner · 26/09/2020 21:20

What a horrible thread.

SantaClaritaDiet · 26/09/2020 21:25

@TownHallDesigner

What a horrible thread.

why? Do you think that some people don't live in a pile of mess? There are enough FB groups about it where people post photos about their own home to see that it most certainly is a thing.

FunDragon · 26/09/2020 21:26

I just dont have enough hours in the day...and I definitely don't spend hours in leisurely play with my children.. I'm too busy failing at housework.

This is exactly how I feel, I feel as though I spend all my free time doing housework and the house still always looks disgusting - or looks nice for about 10 seconds. And I’m always doing housework or cooking or food shopping instead of spending time with my son.

WishIwasalittlebit · 26/09/2020 21:33

My house is a tip - a constant battle! I am embarrassed when people pop by! I would love to vacuum everyday - I am just constantly exhausted! Not sure if I am just lazy or if my depression has something to do with it! You should be proud that your house is in order. (Has she just got new beds and needs to dump mattresses or perhaps painting a bedroom?).

tornadoalley · 26/09/2020 21:34

Just find the middle road. Housework is a necessity unfortunately. We can live in dirty conditions, but a bit of untidiness is ok. A dirty kitchen is unhygienic and a health hazard, but housework needn't be all consuming or a major chore. I can wizz through it fairly easily, with a deep clean twice a year. I could t live like the woman you met though, it would make my skin crawl to see dirty dishes everywhere

PivotPivott · 26/09/2020 21:36

I'm very much a 'neat freak'. I have a 14 month old DS and his toys are everywhere during the day but toys are a clean mess. Once they're away it's tidy again. I never prioritise cleaning over playing with him though. Might take me longer or a couple of days to get round to do something but he's young, he's more important.

Echobelly · 26/09/2020 21:39

Different things work for different people. Some will go 'Well, it's a tip the instant the kids ae up, so why bother', others can't stand disorder.

I think we're somewhere in the middle. We're messy but not 'mucky' (as in congealing plates everywhere) - I'm sure neat freaks would find us 'vile' but others might think we're doing OK.

SantaClaritaDiet · 26/09/2020 21:45

@FunDragon

I just dont have enough hours in the day...and I definitely don't spend hours in leisurely play with my children.. I'm too busy failing at housework.

You just need good and sufficient storage and a dishwasher.

Once things go straight where they belong, there's no reason why a house should be messy - toys take minutes to put away when they are no longer played with.

Unless you have a huge mansion, there really is no need to spend hours everyday with chores.

You could also have done half of your online shopping instead of reading and commenting on this thread - this really is not a dig, just to show how quickly most things can be done efficiently once you are on top of them.

I can't live without a dishwasher!

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