To think I need to lower my standards after going in my neighbours flat tonight

[RPL1992]

Something in my flat broke tonight and I had to go downstairs in to my neighbour's flat for help. I'm a single mum of 2 DC under 6, she is married with one 3 year old DC. Honestly, I was shocked at how messy her flat was. I couldn't see any of the kitchen surfaces, dishes everywhere, clothes thrown over the floor and even on the hallway floor. I couldn't even put my daughter down as there was no space, a random matress in the hallway. My flat is messy in the day from toys but nowhere near to that extent, my washing up is always kept on top of and and the laundry is put away. I have a quick hoover around every night after the kids have gone to bed. What I did notice though, is how happy and smart her little one is and honestly, I felt kind of jealous that she clesrly cares so little about housework. It takes up quite a bit of my time and I guess that is time I could spend playing with my kids. I also feel that being a single mum, people judge me more and keeping a tidy home is proving a point that I'm "coping." How do I care less about housework? Or in your opinion, is housework important?

She might be struggling. Being married doesn't preclude you from that. Hope she doesn't read your post.

I think there has to be a balance

Yes it’s very important that the kids are played with and read to and have lots of one on one time

But it’s also important that the kitchen and bathroom is clean and hygienic and that they have clean clothes available (even if they get them wet and muddy within half an hour)

As long as I put the dishwasher on, put some laundry on before breakfast, tidy up and put things in their place then run around with a hoover and mop later Im willing to let the dusting, skirting boards and all of the fussy bits slide in favour of spending time with my little one

You needed her help, I guess the housework is a non issue if she's a good neighbour and helpful
I have always been a housework worrier, worrying about what other folk may think when they step over my front door but at the end of the day we are all living different lives with different standards.
I was neglected severely as a child and that's where my worries stem from despite being a neat freak and making sure all clothes are laundered, folded and put away.
Standards are like a ladder.

Single mum here, living by the moto “good enough is good enough” yet having my house clean and tidy is a need for me, because when it is a mess it gets on my nerves, slows me down and makes me feel overwhelmed.

Meh, I get my three kids to pitch in with a deep clean every now and then and I call it bonding time!! The skirtings get washed and my kids spend time with me!!

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with keeping a clean house, unless we're talking crazy sterile and no clutter whatsoever.

Mine is fairly neat and my kids aren't neglected. They're amazing and will often help out. If I'm folding laundry I'll get one of the kids wander over to me and start folding too whilst having a good blether with me.

If it is as you describe it sounds like the other mum is actually not coping with the housework. If it is so messy and you couldn’t actually put your child down it sounds like a safeguarding issue.

The other mum is not coping with the housework? OP has said the neighbour lives with her husband. there continues to be an assumption on this sort of topic that housework is solely or at least mainly the woman’s responsibility and that if she “fails” the husband is both blameless and somehow powerless to tidy and organise the house.

No keep your flat clean. As much as your children need you to play with, they also need clean environment to grow up. Then they will take your habits with them when they set up their own homes.

As others have said, there is a middle ground. And in my experience, even very small children will care if their surroundings are really dirty and untidy.

I am currently finding it difficult to balance all the demands on my life so I prioritise some household takes over others. So I don’t mind too much if the carpet hasn’t been vacuumed in a while, but I make sure that the kitchen is clean and tidy, etc.

@Winterflower84

No keep your flat clean. As much as your children need you to play with, they also need clean environment to grow up. Then they will take your habits with them when they set up their own homes.

I agree that children may grow up to be messy themselves but I disagree that this is a bad thing. I grew up in a creative household (stepdad was an artist, canvasses and art supplies everywhere) and I am equally messy myself. But my house is full of the evidence of my and DPs many hobbies and achievements, books spilling out everywhere, foreign language DVDs, sports equipment, children's paintings and activities, gardening projects started and growing in unlikely places, musical instruments, souvenirs of exotic travels etc etc (and the dishes get done when they are needed, the bathroom is cleaned before environmental health dept need to come).

There is no rule that says children need tidiness to succeed or be happy.

As long as you're not obsessive or emotionally neglecting your children, I think modelling a well-kept house for them is very healthy and they will thank you for it later.

We can agree to disagree on this

Personally I am glad my mum and stepdad were busy being creative and making art and memories rather than cleaning.

But it's your right to be proud of having a tidy house for your children to remember

I also struggle with mess. I feel really stressed if I'm in a messy room. It's difficult, as children are mess making tornadoes.

Her mess is nothing to be jealous off. It may well be an indicator that she isn't coping.

Either way, do what makes you happy, and don't worry about what others do.

Children thrive generally with a degree of structure and routine.

I couldn’t function in mess - so, I’d love things to be clean and tidy without my effort, but it needs my input to keep it this way. Some people are relaxed in chaos - I’d not be.
I’m sure your kids are fine - and when older will be glad there was order around them.

To me it's about being "messy but not dirty"

So I don't particularly stress toys on the floor, or the remotes and some books and pens out and about.

There's randomly a bag of cat treats on the windowsill and 3(?) empty glasses glasses on the desk I can see from here as well as post we've not sorted.

We've too many shoes on the shoe rack and too many coats on the coat rack.

But.

Kitchen, bathroom, and toilet are clean. Bedsheets and towels clean and hoovering done/floors clean.

I can't slack on hygiene. But can slack on organisation/presentation.

I totally get your post. I am pretty house proud and spend quite a bit of time cleaning. I am secretly envious of those who can relax when things aren't done.. but I cannot.

I always fret that my house isn't clean enough but it's as clean as it can be with two dc.

I have been my guilty of judging other people's homes when it's been messy. I'm not just talking about dishes needing toy, kids having their toys out etc. I mean when someone's house is a complete tip. I think you need the somewhere in the middle!

There is no rule that says children need tidiness to succeed or be happy.

no, but equally, a tidy house doesn't mean a life lacking of experience, friends, art, travel, hobbies, interest, sports. It just means a tidy and organised owner.

I'd even argue that the time not wasted dealing with mess and playing catch-up with housework is time better spent in what really matters. It takes just as long to put a book back where it belongs than putting it on a random shelf or window sill, but to me it looks better and it can stay there until I fancy reading it.

Nice of her to help you really. I wonder if she would have if she knew you were about to go and slag her housekeeping standards off on the internet under the guise of 'needing to lower your standards'.

My house has looked like this for the past 2 months as we have been undergoing home improvements. Things moved into the hallway to allow carpets to be laid, clothes piled up whilst wardrobes are built, dishes left until just before bedtime as we have been too busy with decorating any spare minutes we have after work and all weekend. Please don't be so quick to judge and assume her house is always like that.

Maybe she's been really busy the last week or so and it's all got a bit out of hand? Maybe if you went this time next week it would be spotless and youd be fretting about how to keep your house cleaner like hers? Concentrate on your house and kids and dont try to measure your parenting competence/house/happiness by anyone else, especially when you only see a snapshot.

It's all about balance. My house is far from Instagram or rightmove ready. Everything (almost) has a place, though, and most of those things are in their place so it's not so cluttered as to be stressful because there's nowhere to put down things that are in use and there's nothing tidy to rest your eyes on. It's also kept clean enough to not make us ill (bathroom could do with a proper scrub, tbh) or keep the mice fat.

I don't think you should aspire towards your neighbours standards

I grew up in a messy home and I would never, ever want my kids to do the same. On the outside, I was bright and confident. But inside, living with a parent with OCD messed me up.

My husband works away fairly frequently and the house is always much tidier when he isn't here. I think it is a mixture of me hating to tidy up after another adult, and assuming he will do half of everything. When I am the only adult home, I just get on and do without thinking about it.

I think she helped you and that is what you should take away from the interaction