To think I need to lower my standards after going in my neighbours flat tonight

[RPL1992]

Something in my flat broke tonight and I had to go downstairs in to my neighbour's flat for help. I'm a single mum of 2 DC under 6, she is married with one 3 year old DC. Honestly, I was shocked at how messy her flat was. I couldn't see any of the kitchen surfaces, dishes everywhere, clothes thrown over the floor and even on the hallway floor. I couldn't even put my daughter down as there was no space, a random matress in the hallway. My flat is messy in the day from toys but nowhere near to that extent, my washing up is always kept on top of and and the laundry is put away. I have a quick hoover around every night after the kids have gone to bed. What I did notice though, is how happy and smart her little one is and honestly, I felt kind of jealous that she clesrly cares so little about housework. It takes up quite a bit of my time and I guess that is time I could spend playing with my kids. I also feel that being a single mum, people judge me more and keeping a tidy home is proving a point that I'm "coping." How do I care less about housework? Or in your opinion, is housework important?

We'll, children get older, eventually, and able to help with chores. It's not really a question of absolutes and either ors.

I think some canny devices help: good, strong baskets for clothes and a system of taking a smaller basket of odds and ends, upstairs or into the bathroom, every time you go. A good sink tidy contraption. Some people are brilliant at folding and stacking away very neatly, others might have a bit of shoulder weakness, or general dexterity issues or organisational skills fail, around the house.

This is another one of those threads which is good for canvassing general opinions, but hard to envisage as an actual situation.

Children won’t want to grow up in a messy home, they will care when they are older.

I don’t think it’s possible to lower your own standards though. It’s an innate part of your personality.

Some people live like pigs in shit, others have to clean and scrub before they can sleep.

I know my own mental health is better when my house is tidy.

Clutter makes me feel anxious.

I have a friend who has a shower cubicle in her en suite that is full to the brim with discarded clothes to be washed. It’s been like that for years.

You don't know for sure that your neighbour doesn't care op. She may not have chosen to say anything, that's all. She may be a bit depressed or overwhelmed atm and put on a front because she was embarrassed.

I wouldn't necessarily label her as lazy like a pp either because no one had any idea of what is going on in another person's life.

And even if she has chosen consciously to live that way; different people have different tolerances.

Do what suits you and your house op. Tbh I think there is a tipping point beyond which you have to spend so long looking for stuff and getting stressed and/or depressed that it wouldn't free up extra time to devote to your dc anyway ifyswim.

I think being tidy does set a great example to kids, and, if they can pick up your tips, such as how to plan which jobs to do first and comparing cleaning products, then that is going to help them, in time, to plan their revision; organise themselves at work; set a budget. My view is that I admire you for being very skilled at home organisation. Personally, I regret having a bit of a neck weakness after lifting a telly at Butlins years ago, and I wish I could whisk a lot of things away quickly and pound the hoover really effectively.

There is a balance somewhere between living in filth and spending time with your kids.

If you feel like you spent too much time saying 'mummy is just cleaning/tidying/ironing etc' then maybe you do.

I don't have a show home and I don't have a hovel.
There is a midway and it's fine to leave the washing while you play with the kids

She may have cleaned this morning and it's back to a shit hole at night. Believe me people only visit when I don't tidy/am clearing out a room. The important issue is you feel your spending too much time cleaning so give yourself permission for a break ❤️

Storage is the great underrated secret.

Tidy = time. If you have no housework time, a messy pile in a cupboard is not messy.

why? Do you think that some people don't live in a pile of mess? There are enough FB groups about it where people post photos about their own home to see that it most certainly is a thing

There are lots of FB and online posts about relationships too.

If the neighbour had come on here and posted something along the lines of “the woman in the flat downstairs is a single mum yet her children seem perfectly happy and well-adjusted despite my neighbour not caring about being able to keep a man”, I’d think it equally judgey and goady.

I felt kind of jealous that she clesrly cares so little about housework.

Jealous of someone who lives like a filthy pig? Why is having standards a negative thing? I think you neighbour should be ashamed of themselves for raising a child in that environment.

Everyone's different. Her child is happy, so long as she is too, and the flat is safe, that's all that matters.

Do what suits you. I live alone and am not the most domestic person ever, but I’m very tidy and couldn’t live with the mess you describe in your neighbour’s flat. You don’t need to compare yourself to her or change your ‘standards’ because of her.

what a refreshing thread OP!

reminds me an article I read few years ago about a journalist who visited a house of someone who is in the process getting of his business off the grounds. It was a rather unusual business that would make a difference to environment. The house was a complete tip and the person admitted that it has been like that in the past few years. He was not embarrassed about it, he had more important things in his mind. His kids were proud about their dad and I suspect they did not care about the state of the house either!

In real life I have friends who do not particularly care about housework and live in perpetual mess but lead a happy and successful life. I also know people who live in a mess and struggle to organise many important aspects of their life.

It is my personal opinion that if you were able to run your life effectively and achieve your life goals then the state of your house is irrelevant (a spotless house should not be anyone's main life objectives, unless you were an interior designer and your house is part of your showcase)

If the housework means you get less sleep, read less book, connect less with your spouse and children, cook less healthy meal you need to consider what is more important to you and allocate your time and attention accordingly. If however you can't tolerate a mess than housework is clearly important to you so in that case a clean house is not a sign of wasted life.

But why would you change your level of tidiness because of someone else’s behaviour in their own house? Do you need permission to drop your standards?

Maintain the standard which works for you!

Also you have to think about the benefits of living your way. You say you're on top of the laundry...that is beneficial to you all as a family. You're not hunting round for items, your ds has clean clothes when he needs them. Your neighbour could very well be hunting round in the mornings for a clean vest for her child. That's horribly stressful

Do what makes you happy in your own home.

If having a tidy house makes you happy, tidy it.

If spending all day rolling around in a glorious mess and playing with your kids makes you happy, do that.

It's your life, you will only have yourself to answer to when you are on your deathbed.

Surprised at PPs - I'm not seeing this as anything other than a dig at the messy flat.

If she knew how judgemental and nasty about her flat you were being I doubt she’ll be willing to offer you assistance next time you need help

I hope you aren’t making the same comments to people in your block as you are say on here

I totally get what you're saying about being a lone parent and making it look like you can cope and keeping it tidy.
When I was a lone parent to my now teen. Every night after he went to bed at 7pm I would clean for 3 hours! Floors by hand hoover polish top to bottom. Bathroom scrub. Kitchen etc. But I also prioritised clenaing over my son at times which I deeply regret.
Deep down i knew it didn't need it. I lived in a block of flats that had a single parent benefit ' scum' reputation.. Even though half of us either previously had partners, worked etc
Cleaning took over my life.

My best mates house has a lot to be desired.. Honestly I won't go into details but I wouldnt have a cuppa there or use the loo.
But her kids are always immaculate turned out, happy go lucky kids.

I'm now in the middle. I have a toddler abs a baby. The house is a mess by day but bedtime tidy again.
If I don't Mop for 3 days who cares. I do still clean bathroom after every use and do tonnes of laundry as I love washing clothes but it doesn't interfere with the kids anymore that it should, they're happy etc if there is a day when toddler don't want to play with me and just entertain herself and baby's asleep, teen at school. I will occupy myself cleaning

I had a period of keeping everything tidy. Lockdown put paid to that doesn't really seem much point if nobody sees it. So I've gone from cleaning every 3 days to every 2 weeks. It's obviously more to clean in one go, but I was always getting carried away with my "little" cleans. Now I just don't care any more.

I don’t know OP.
I was a clean/tidy person before I lived with my DH who just undies everything as soon as he gets in. And then my DD being physically disabled means, through no choice of mine or hers I have to be with her constantly unless she’s watching tv or bubbles in the garden (because she wants constant attention).
I do 4/5 wash loads a day (we also have two dogs who shed a lot of hair) and do dishes, the gardening and keep the house fairly tidy and clean most of the time.
But I really don’t care what anyone else thinks about my standards.
I wash up straight after dinner etc. I hate a messy kitchen (my DH does all the cooking) but honestly I can’t be fucked to hoover much (wooden floors) or spotlessly scrub things. It’s clean and everything is in its place and I can have my beers on a Thursday and Saturday... but if someone dropped in and saw dog hair on the floor and toys downstairs I couldn’t care less.
It’s a home after all...
No cause to be jealous (even in a judgmental way) about anyone else’s standards.
I’m 45. I struggle to get out of bed before 8am these days.
But I can keep going til 10pm.
We are all different and if you want to have a clean house...do!

Undies? I meant undoes 🤣

I’m also a Single mum and not a natural housekeeper
My my worst vice is letting the washing up pile up
I have friends different ends of the mess and clean spectrum and I generally feel more comfortable in a house that’s clean , but not perfect ie some clutter

I could not live like your neighbour

Anyway , you keep doing what you’re doing

I don't think there is anything wrong with noticing how messy a house is. And mess is fine. But being so full of clutter that you can't put your child down and a mattress discarded in the hall sounds horrible. I doubt it's all sweetness and happiness anyway - stuff must get lost all the time in that. Imagine trying to get out the door with a child with all that crap getting in the way of finding stuff like shoes, school bag, homework etc. I think it doesn't make you a bad person to judge that house. Sounds awful! I wouldn't feel bad about the housework you do - there's a reason why people like living in clean and tidy environments.