Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to cut ties

102 replies

fancypants3 · 26/09/2020 18:34

Name changed because I worry this is a bit outing as it's quite specific

DH had a woman who worked with him who bascially admitted she was in love with him

She's now left the job

He is still texting her updates and being friendly to her

AIBU to expect that he would completely cut ties now they dont work together, delete her number etc??

OP posts:

LEELULUMPKIN · 27/09/2020 11:51

Sounds like there are "three of you in this marriage" OP.

We all know how that story ended.

Monr0e · 27/09/2020 11:54

So he is prioritising the feelings of a former work colleague over yours? (She would be hurt if he blocked her) A woman who openly flirted with him in front of you. And he can't see why you might have a problem with this?

Original poster

fancypants3 · 27/09/2020 12:50

Thanks everyone

And yeh it's pretty shit to think that maybe he's been flirting with her at work and that's why this is continuing now. What a dick if that's the case.

So do we think the best way to solve this is to basically tell him he needs to stop it for her sake (and then i don't come across as a controlling wife) haha!

OP posts:

popsydoodle4444 · 27/09/2020 12:54

They no longer work together and she has inappropriate feelings for a married man;yes he should cut ties with her as it's not healthy.

How did things get to this point?I feel there's more to this story @fancypants3

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2020 13:06

But you are not leaving the marriage over him texting an ex colleague - you are giving him the option to choose whose feelings he should prioritise. Right now it's hers.

You are minimising this and I suspect you want posters on here to collude with that. His is one of the many ways of being unfaithful. Find your boundary then state it clearly.

Notimeforaname · 27/09/2020 13:07

He likes the attention and ego boost.

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2020 13:13

There is nothing controlling about asking him to stop for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.

She has openly and publicly disrespected you. He allowed that.

She is continuing to disrespect you and your marriage. He is allowing this.

He therefore has no respect for you. That is a lot worse than you thinking you are being controlling (you are not).

Ultimatum time. He is already having an emotional affair if he won't give her up.

DollyDoneMore · 27/09/2020 13:28

I hate these threads where people who know nothing about you, your husband or your relationship are so adamant that he’s been knobbing this woman in the stationery cupboard.

IME, it’s just as likely that he’s flattered by the attention and uncertain of how to end the conversations. There’s a long way between getting on at work and fucking an ex-colleague and breaking up your marriage.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable of you to not like this “relationship” and to ask your husband to consider your feelings and close it down. But the leap on this thread to he must be having an affair is disrespectful to you and your marriage.

MinnieMountain · 27/09/2020 13:32

Tell him to stop it for your sake.

DH has a good friend who he has known since they were 11. She started acting strangely when we got engaged and eventually told him she was in love with him. DH told her it wasn't going to happen but she carried on being odd. He had to have a very awkward conversation with her along the lines of "You're a great friend but unless you can get past this, I can't see you again as it's unfair on Minnie." He didn't see her for a bit and they're fine now.

My point is, my DH was prepared to never again see a close friend who he had known longer than me for the sake of our marriage. Your case is only a colleague.

GreyShadow · 27/09/2020 15:18

Some people just can't see the wood for the trees. :(

Hope you get it sorted OP and your dh doesn't end up hurting his ex colleagues feelings. My that would just be awful.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 27/09/2020 15:23

She boosts his ego and he is enjoying that

Of course he should let go it’s selfish of him towards you and to her

Flittingaboutagain · 27/09/2020 15:38

Ask him to look at the Just Good Friends am I breaking boundaries checklist honestly, in his own time. If he doesn't cut ties, you have your answer.

neonjumper · 27/09/2020 17:09

He is keeping his options open .
He knows where this could go ... she's on the side burner .

Apple222 · 27/09/2020 19:41

@DollyDoneMore

Couldn’t agree more.

SandyY2K · 27/09/2020 20:54

I think it's not just her that makes excuses to keep in touch.

She's left the company...she doesn't need to be kept updated on projects anymore.

Can I ask ...did she actually say she was in love with him? Or that she fancies him?

I do find it incredibly disrespectful to you, that she had no issue flirting with him at the company do.

I don't think your DH has discouraged her either.

In your position....I would simply tell my DH, I'm sure he won't have an issue with me texting a man who has said he fancies me/is in love with me.

Your marriage may well be good at the moment...but having someone hovering who has an interest is harmful to your relationship....as it can be a difficult time arises, where one is vulnerable/feeling down/in need of some attention or comfort and you wouldn't normally act on it, but if you have someone who would take advantage at that time and be there for you...anything can happen.

That's the danger. I know ppl will say they wouldn't do anything like stepping out with another person, but if you're in a dark/difficult place and you have a man/woman who is clearly interested in you always checking in....it wouldn't be difficult for things to develop.

SandyY2K · 27/09/2020 20:57

@Flittingaboutagain

Ask him to look at the Just Good Friends am I breaking boundaries checklist

Do you mean Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass?

I was actually going to suggest this too.

Original poster

fancypants3 · 27/09/2020 21:32

Hi all

Firstly, thanks so much for all the replies

Secondly i just wanted to say , it's really not a BIG thing in terms of, he has probably sent her about 3/4 texts since she left the job a couple of months ago. So it's really not like an emotional affair or hundreds of texts between the pair of them

@SandyY2K If I remember rightly she did pretty much say she was in love with him, if not in those words, she said she loved him/had really strong feelings for him

Anyway, i have spoken to him tonight after all this and just said like.. come on mate... you know how she feels/felt about you and by you still texting back, engaging in updating her about the job, how is she gonna move on from you..., plus I don't love it either that you're still contacting her when you knw all the background and she's gone.

He agreed and said yeh you're right i should stop but said he just feels awkward ignoring her if she sends him a couple of messages in a row or asks him specific things about what's going on with the company. He also said it would make it really awkward if he were to block her number as she is still friends with lots of people from their work and he is likely to bump into her. However he did agree he won't reply or fade out the rplies now.

HOWEVER i'm not 100% sure i fully believe it. Dunno! Watch this space i guess

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2020 21:44

Feels awkward ignoring her
Really awkward to block her number
He is likely to bump into her

So that's a no, then. He won't be doing as you asked, he will continue to disrespect you and allow her to disrespect you as well.

By using the word awkward he is totally underplaying how much she means to him.

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2020 21:49

I suggest you go back to him with -

"So you feel awkward. I am angry that you have allowed this woman to publicly disrespect me by flirting with you, declaring her strong feelings for yoy, even though she knows we are married and continues to contact you, even though she knows we are STILL married. I have asked you to cut ties. Awkward is fine. Feel uncomfortable for a bit. Isn't that better than my constant resentment of her intrusion into our marriage?"

Frenchtoastie · 27/09/2020 22:53

Sorry for your situation OP but personally I would not be happy with this result.

Asking him to delete her number is not you being a controlling wife it’s reiterating basic expectations of your partnership.

The fact that when you have now asked him AGAIN and he has said that he is worried about feeling awkward due to mutual friends means he is putting an awkward feeling above his marriage...tbh these mutual friends probably think he is being disrespectful showing her any attention at all when she has admitted feelings for him.

It’s a slippery slope..

shivanamatta · 27/09/2020 23:41

it doesn't matter who fancies who, who wants who's attention. Clearly there are strong feelings in this relationship. Again, doesn't matter which side expresses these feeling more, it can never be neutral from the point "Love" was mentioned. Really OP, it's quite simple, it's definitely not OK for him to keep texting this lady who admitted she is in-love with him (or he is telling you she said that, whatever)...

Mariola321 · 28/09/2020 01:42

I think no problem if she is just friend. The problem is that you do not trust your husband and that is disrespectful to him. I see women at work flirting with men all the time but it is nothing more.

Anordinarymum · 28/09/2020 01:47

If this were me, I would ask my bloke why he does not want to offend the other woman but is quite happy to hurt my feelings and make me doubt everything he says is the truth.

Mariola321 · 28/09/2020 01:55

My best friend is a man and I would not be cutting contact because of a jealous boyfriend. If partner doesn’t trust me then they are the problem because don’t respect me, saying I’m not trustworthy really.

Anordinarymum · 28/09/2020 01:57

@Mariola321

The woman told OPs husband she loved him. He should not have encouraged it

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread