Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to cut ties

102 replies

fancypants3 · 26/09/2020 18:34

Name changed because I worry this is a bit outing as it's quite specific

DH had a woman who worked with him who bascially admitted she was in love with him

She's now left the job

He is still texting her updates and being friendly to her

AIBU to expect that he would completely cut ties now they dont work together, delete her number etc??

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas20 · 26/09/2020 19:59

Groan this is just way too common! Why can’t people just have one person to love, and let other people alone to their relationships!

Your DP is probably very flattered but if he doesn’t cut her off he’s being cruel to you.

Apple222 · 26/09/2020 20:06

YANBU OP. There is no reason for them to be in touch still. I have a male friend who was in exactly this situation. She kept messaging (she was a bit of an odd character who was desperate for friendship and a boyfriend), he was messaging her back because he felt sorry for her and she had confided in him about deeply personal issues. I had to tell him that actually by messaging her back he was keeping it going and giving her hope that their friendship was more than it actually was. He stopped messaging her back in the end and her messages stopped (he may have blocked her in the end).

Sometimes men keep messaging because they feel bad ignoring someone who has expressed feelings for them rather than because they actually feel anything for the woman concerned. However like you say, it also strokes their ego knowing that someone finds them attractive.

justthecat · 26/09/2020 20:08

I think you are naive believing his side- she left the company but HE texts her updates ?!

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 26/09/2020 20:12

He's deliberately going out of his way to keep in contact with a woman who has basically admitted she wants him for herself.

He's being an insensitive twat whose enjoying the female attention and disrespecting you in the process.

Ask him how he'd feel if you started corresponding with a man who openly fancied you and was constantly trying to engage you in conversations.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 26/09/2020 20:13

I think you're probably only aware of half the story OP. The half your DH has chosen to share with you.

Mummyofmay2020 · 26/09/2020 20:15

Sooo inappropriate!

Original poster
fancypants3 · 26/09/2020 20:16

For people who are saying I'm only aware of half the story, jw what kind of thing you mean?

He's pretty open with his phone and I sometimes look at it, same as he looks at mine and stalks social media on it as he doesn't have any... plus i know 100% they haven't had any sort of affair (just literally no way that would have happened) so what sort of thing do you reckon I'm missing?

I just personally think he should delete her number, not give her any more reason to fancy him, and it would be sorted. Can't work out whether he texts her back out of pity or for his ego...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/09/2020 20:17

@SmilingHappyBeaver

I think you're probably only aware of half the story OP. The half your DH has chosen to share with you.
In this story line it’s nearly always the case.
Bluntness100 · 26/09/2020 20:19

He’s not texted her out of pity op. You know this.

Either he was flirting back and it was a two way thing or they were having an affair, and there is always a way, from lunch time shags, to afternoon skives to working late.

Unless he never left the house, then there was a way,

ChickensMightFly · 26/09/2020 20:22

Apart from anything else if she has feelings which are unrequited then it is mean for him to keep in touch as it will fuel her feelings and hinder her moving on, so from that pov alone he isn't doing the right thing. Not to mention out of respect for you putting some distance there. If their relationship was just colleagues and now they aren't then it should drop under the circumstances. It is nice to keep in touch with people who leave the workplace sometimes but not when one of them has declared feelings the other doesn't share.

Pollypocket89 · 26/09/2020 20:24

Do you not think he could like he back, op?

LagunaBubbles · 26/09/2020 20:27

I've seen the messages. Nothing dodgy just her asking him stuff about work and saying she misses him, him sending general replies/updates

Someone that fancies your DH saying she misses him is dodgy!! Surely you're not that naive?

MilkOfThePuppy · 26/09/2020 20:28

I wouldn't like that. It's inappropriate and disrespectful.

If he pities her, the kinder thing to do would be to stop replying so she realises that he's not interested. Texting back and forth sends the opposite message.

I'd be deeply annoyed if my husband was "pity texting" a woman who had flirted with him despite knowing he was married.

He's getting something out of this. Whether he likes the attention or feels like he's being "kind" by staying in touch, he's getting an ego boost out of this relationship.

pepsirolla · 26/09/2020 20:30

Just tell him he is being unkind to her for giving her hope by still being in contact with her and unkind to you by not immediately blocking her. He can fade her by increasingly delaying reply and just short factual replies with no questions. If she doesn't give up then be blunt and block

BlueThistles · 26/09/2020 20:32

He's lapping it up the attention. What a Dick 🌺

LindaEllen · 26/09/2020 20:41

I think it's disrespectful to you for him to be in touch with a woman who admitted having feelings for him, but also it's unfair to her, too. She needs a chance to get on with her life.

I mean, surely we've all had feelings for someone we shouldn't in the past .. but the one thing I wouldn't do is carry on texting if we couldn't be together. Certainly if he was married!

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/09/2020 20:48

If he’s not initiating contact and just being polite back, I don’t see the issue.

Tbh, I’d find it weird if he did delete and block her. I’ve never done that with a work colleague, if we've worked together in the past there is every chance we’d cross paths again in the future, so why would you make an enemy if you can avoid it?

The fact that she at one point had a silly crush on him is one of those things that she’d probably feel embarrassed about, but which no sensible person would give another thought to.

iluvgab · 26/09/2020 20:50

He shouldn't be encouraging her by texting updates and all the rest of it. He should ignore her. She doesn't work there any more. She "basically admitted to being in love with him". If he's not interested n her then he should be keeping his distance so as not to give her false hope.
I've had someone admit to being in love with me while I was in a relationship and he kept sending me messages so I ended up blocking him as it was inappropriate.

He's enjoying the attention.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/09/2020 20:54

“[X] at my work fancies me” is actually “there’s someone at my work who I fancy”. Sorry.

Mariola321 · 26/09/2020 20:55

Wow so the man is wrong just for talking to a woman who fancies him.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/09/2020 20:56

On ‘cutting ties’ this is sometimes possible, but often not depending on the industry.

If you trust him why can’t he text back? And if you don’t trust him - then that’s your issue not her.

Pollypocket89 · 26/09/2020 21:02

X] at my work fancies me” is actually “there’s someone at my work who I fancy”. Sorry.

Do you really think?

BlueJava · 26/09/2020 21:17

Personally, if I was in your DH's position where someone who I had worked with had fancied them, then left... there would be no way I'd keep contact. I understand when they both worked in the same place they may have had to stay in contact, but after that I'd have blocked. Unless there is something else going on why wouldn't he block her?

S111n20 · 26/09/2020 21:28

No you are not !!! Why...there is no need to speak to this women he wants to concentrate on the one he has.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/09/2020 21:35

@Pollypocket89

X] at my work fancies me” is actually “there’s someone at my work who I fancy”. Sorry. __

Do you really think?

Yeah, sorry. Unwanted behaviour will be described as weird or difficult or inappropriate or awkward.

Just acknowledging a crush... is a red flag for a dynamic. Mentionitis.

Swipe left for the next trending thread