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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to cut ties

102 replies

fancypants3 · 26/09/2020 18:34

Name changed because I worry this is a bit outing as it's quite specific

DH had a woman who worked with him who bascially admitted she was in love with him

She's now left the job

He is still texting her updates and being friendly to her

AIBU to expect that he would completely cut ties now they dont work together, delete her number etc??

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas20 · 26/09/2020 21:59

If you trust him why can’t he text back? And if you don’t trust him - then that’s your issue not her.

Silly advice to be honest. This is ongoing and it is an issue. OP is not the problem here.

This woman, her continued putting herself in the middle of another relationship, and her DP letting it. This is an issue. The OP had no part in creating it, and a DP continually messaging back another woman who clearly loves him is unhealthy and intrusive.

It will not go away by ignoring it. And it cannot be ignored. Imagine sitting down for TV with your other half and them replying to this woman.

crimsonlake · 26/09/2020 22:08

You clearly do not think it is harmless or else you would not be posting on here.
Interestingly you say 'obviously nothing happened'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2020 22:19

OP, do you really think this woman would continue to text a man who is merely courteous to her? What gave her the idea in the first place that these conversations - even now she has left - would be welcomed and responded to (as they are being)?

Your partner isn't being truthful with you, I'm convinced of that. He is the problem here. Not her, him.

BilboBercow · 26/09/2020 22:29

I find it strange that you've not set a boundary here with someone who your husband has admitted basically went after him knowing he was married.

Original poster
fancypants3 · 26/09/2020 22:36

Hello...

So in terms of do I trust him?
Fundamentally - yes. I do fully trust that nothing has happened between them (no matter what some people on here may think and i do get why), but like I say, he's open with his phone, we have two kids, he is always at home especially during lockdown every day and there were never excuses to get away or anything... obviously this is mumsnet and you can never know the whole scenario but basically, yes I trust him in so far as I don't think anything's happened.

Do i think he likes her back? Who knows! She is an attractive woman 10 ish years younger than him who flirts with him and admits to really liking him so I do think he is flattered... but equally me and DH do have a great, loving relationship and I am happy with it so have never been really worried he's going to go off with her or anything like that!

However, I am annoyed he hasn't just deleted her number now she's left. I get that they needed to stay in touch when they worked together, they don't have work phones and they did work closely together on projects etc so that was that, it wasn't ideal for me but meh. But now she's gone I can't see ANY reason for them to be in contact. And i have said this to him! He says he's just being polite and she sees them as friends and it would be rude to just block her and she'd be really upset and there were some projects they worked on where when she left she asked him to keep her updated... but i personally think it's just an excuse to stay in contact with him.

Thanks for everyone saying im not BU!!

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas20 · 26/09/2020 22:56

I would be telling him that he’s being quite insensitive to your relationship, by indulging her. He should be more prepared to be rude to her, not doing so is rude to you!

sunshinesheila · 26/09/2020 22:59

I was in a similar position.... Was very understanding that he shouldent cut contact. He reassured me he felt nothing. Then I repeatedly caught him lying and deleting messages off her. Turns out He was madly in love with her and I left.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/09/2020 23:03

‘but i personally think it's just an excuse to stay in contact with him.’

Lol. with her

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2020 23:52

So... he's basically dismissing you and your views in favour of this woman who means nothing/very little/would be rude not to talk to her.

A decent partner wouldn't need you to be doing anything as he'd have told her at the outset that there would be no further replies and goodbye.

But you're putting the blame/responsibility on her? Good luck with keeping your man. He has zero respect for you.

MsDogLady · 27/09/2020 00:16

Your H is responsible for protecting his fidelity. If he was strongly boundaried and knew that this woman had feelings/fancied him, he would have long ago shut down her flirting and maintained a professional distance out of respect for you, her and himself. He didn’t. She certainly felt confident enough to blatantly flirt at the event and say that she misses him now.

I believe they’ve shared a mutual flirtation at the least and he is still enjoying their ego-massaging interaction. He would rather dismiss your discomfort than upset her, which speaks volumes. His perpetuating any sort of relationship with her is disloyal and inappropriate.

EdinaMonsoon · 27/09/2020 08:13

She was comfortable enough to flirt with him in front of his wife & colleagues & now he’s defending continued contact. Neither of these people give a toss about your feelings here OP. Their priority in this situation is each other, not you. YANBU to say that he should cut all contact. It’s unnecessary at best & utterly disrespectful towards you & your marriage at worst.

Bettysnow · 27/09/2020 09:12

So shes admitted shes "in love with him" and he thinks you should be cool with them texting because the feelings aren't reciprocated?
Your feelings should come first! This will lead to insecurity, doubt, suspicion and eventually will erode your relationship!
I wonder how understanding he would be if this was you and a male colleague!
Draw your line in the sand and do not put up with this!

Rocinante39 · 27/09/2020 10:26

Your husband is being very foolish. His vanity is leading him to play with fire.

It is not simply a question of you trusting him. It is also a question of him not deliberately hurting you. it is perfectly reasonable to be hurt by a spouse continuing to be friends with someone who would want to take that spouse away from you. It is time DH ended contact with her. Tell your husband it upsets you that they are still in contact.

2me2u2u2me · 27/09/2020 11:16

He says he's just being polite and she sees them as friends and it would be rude to just block her and she'd be really upset and there were some projects they worked on where when she left she asked him to keep her updated... but i personally think it's just an excuse to stay in contact with him.

This might be so, however the fact you’ve told him it upsets you should be enough for him to stop contact with her, if he doesn’t then he’s putting her feelings before yours.

Original poster
fancypants3 · 27/09/2020 11:29

Thing is I haven't 'banned' him from texting her and expressly forbid it or anything... I don't really wanna be that woman or give him the satisfaction

I've just kind of said like "do you really need to be in contact with her now considering everything?". I try to be chill about it with him and almost tease him about it becuase I don't want to get in a row about it. But it does annoy me

OP posts:
Original poster
fancypants3 · 27/09/2020 11:30

Also i am not blaming the woman or putting responsibility on anyone. I think it's weird she's so obsessed with him but equally I think he should bloody stop texting her back. lol

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 27/09/2020 11:33

You need to rapidly put in place a watertight and form boundary that means your feelings are more important to him than hers.

He needs to understand the huge disrespect he currently has for you and the complete lack of consideration for your feelings. Give him the ultimatum of block or leave the marriage.

Ask him" "Why should I fight for you while you fight for her?"

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2020 11:34

firm boundary

Pollypocket89 · 27/09/2020 11:38

I think it's weird she's so obsessed with him

But surely you feel that way about him which is why you married him?

Original poster
fancypants3 · 27/09/2020 11:44

@pollypocket89 lol yes but he was single when I got with him and married him - like you say he's my husband!!
Although 'obsessed' is not how I'd describe myself with him now !! But i do think it's weird she would pursue a married man in the way she has. Like other people have said like you'd realise this guy was out of your reach and give up for your own sanity! The fact she's still texting him isn't helping her move on IMO

but my point was I'm actually not trying to blame her

OP posts:
Original poster
fancypants3 · 27/09/2020 11:46

@summerwhisper as said before I'm not going to leave the marriage over him texting an ex colleague he never sees. but maybe I should tell him more seriously to quit texting back. IDK

OP posts:
Jj2431 · 27/09/2020 11:47

I don't think he's had an affair either but I do think he's enjoying the attention and/or fancies her back and just hasn't made it obvious yet but why else would he need to text her? Why does she need to know what's going on in a place she no longer works? It's disrespectful to you for him to keep her number and reply to her knowing what he knows.

Pollypocket89 · 27/09/2020 11:47

I meant more it's hardly a leap to think one other woman might be attracted to him like you were. Being married doesn't mean someone becomes unattractive

LEELULUMPKIN · 27/09/2020 11:50

Pity or ego = both are wrong.

Pity = giving her false hope.
Ego = utterly disrespectful to you his WIFE.

I wouldn't put up with it either way.

Pollypocket89 · 27/09/2020 11:51

Posted too soon. I think the give up and out of reach comments are what people saying you don't know the full story mean. Unless she's nuts, which seems doubtful from him replying, then maybe there's something on his part that makes her think otherwise