Aibu to think some people can do empathy and some can't

[blagaaw99]

As title says. Aibu to think that some people are just unable to see things from another's viewpoint and empathise?

Nature or nurture?

I think can be either nature or nurture.

My DP doesn't show any feelings at all. But neither does his mum or dad so I try not to hold it against him!

Nature or nurture ? Don’t know. I understand that lack of empathy can be more prevalent in spectrum disorders, so that would be nature.
But I also think that development in that area can be shut down or otherwise affected by childhood experience , so I would say both really.

Some people are just too wrapped up in themselves, they’re right & that’s the end of it. If anyone else has a problem they’re just not interested other than telling them to get it sorted because it’s not a problem to them. I think it’s more indifference in many cases, it’s not something that bothers them so it doesn’t matter.

Austistic people can feel empathy as much as anyone else (sometimes to a debilitating degree) but how they show it may be very different to neurotypical people.

When it comes to understanding how someone else feels, neurotypical people are as bad or worse at understanding autistic folk as the other way round (less practice and little being told off when they do it badly).

Plenty of people just don't care much about others, of course.

Didn’t take long for the autistic people have no empathy line to be trotted out did it 😂

@ShakeaHettyFeather agree completely!

I think it’s nature.

DP has zero empathy, his mother was/is a very soft and loving parent/person, his father who he only saw a few times a year and had very little input into his upbringing was a cold man. Unfortunately, he takes after his Dad.

My DMIL really struggles with empathy. Not sympathy - she's incredibly kind and loving and hates to think of someone being in distressed. But her conclusions about what other people might be thinking and feeling are often bizarre and make no sense.

She also struggles sometimes to tell the difference between what's in her head and what's in someone else's (so she'll say someone else thinks or feels something, when really it's what she thinks or feels).

I'm sure it's an innate quality. It's also nothing to do with being a mean or narcissistic person, because she isn't. She's just astonishingly bad at reading other people.

I think it is possible to develop someone's empathic skills. But they mostly need to be open to it.

I read an interesting book on narcissism, which is really the inverse of the empathy. It covered studies in which consumerism and status based on material possessions increased narcissism. I think that opening people up to the opposite would increase empathy.

Although some people will always be more empathic and less so, even taking into account what the culture they are in values.

I definitely think that levels of empathy vary wildly in people. There have been times in my life when I have been gobsmacked at the cruelty of people's attitudes but these days I realise that some folks do lack empathy to a great degree.

I understand that lack of empathy can be more prevalent in spectrum disorders, so that would be nature

You understand wrong. People with autism feel empathy, and often much more strongly than neurologically typical people. They do show it differently, but thinking they don't have it because they don't show it in a way you recognise is a failing on your part, not theirs. Honestly you really shouldn't be commenting if you haven't a clue what you're talking about.

As to empathy in general, I'd say that it's rare for someone to have none whatsoever, but unfortunately very common for people to lack understanding of people with different life experiences, opinions or outlooks. These people always seem to think they are right and that they know what's best for everyone, and that has caused a huge amount of problems in the world.

As a general rule I'd say if someone thinks they understand most people they actually understand very little which, coincidentally, is why some people think people with autism don't have empathy.

I thought the difficulties people with autism sometimes have around empathy were that they often find it so difficult to read social cues that they can misunderstand the nuance of social situations. As a result they often don't realise when it is appropriate to show empathy. When things are explained to them explicitly they can show great empathy. I'd be really interested to hear from others with experience of autism to see if they feel this is correct.

Doesn't it depend on the situation? Moaning about your own life choices doesn't get a lot of empathy or sympathy from me but other situations do

Leaving aside spectrum disorders...

I think some people find empathy comes much more naturally.

But I think there's a responsibility to try to learn it with people you are close to (family/friends/partners).

A lot of men people get let off the hook for shitty behaviour and the excuse is they "lack empathy" as if it was some clinical deficit when in fact they are just being selfish arses.

I work in an office with three other women. In a school.

A distressed Mum happened to (by mistake) phone one of us who has nothing to do with parents, and who either has little empathy or doesn’t know how to express it at all.

My colleague handled the call badly and the parent ended up more distressed than necessary.

My colleague even told her that there was a an email address that she should email her phone number to, but okay she would write it down, as she reluctantly wrote it down.

Every time I think about this it makes me cross and I can’t think how much worse this parent must have felt. My colleague has no idea I think.

My friend had a fairly cold and austere upbringing, sent to boarding school on his 7th birthday, always told to man up, stiff upper lip etc.
He has zero empathy for anyone who is feeling a bit down and "needy" to use his word. Its horrible and destroyed our relationship, because to me, he just seems to be incapable of being kind.

DH can show incredible levels of empathy towards other people but fails miserably with me on occasions. I’m much the same with him which sort of adds weight to the idea that familiarity breeds contempt. At times though, when MIL is in major narcissistic mode (DH is the scapegoat in her world) my heart breaks for him.
I work in healthcare where I often have to carry out painful and despicable deeds to other human beings in order to relieve their pain.. My empathy allows me to carry out treatment since I hate to see people in pain but while carrying out treatment I have to switch the empathy off.
Going back to MIL, she doesn’t understand why certain songs/ music make people cry. Now that I find really odd.

Having thought about empathy I’m not particularly empathetic towards the ‘woe is me crowd’. However, DS goes to an academically selective school where there are a large number of geeky children. I find myself on the verge of tears at times when I see them around school, usually on their own. I suspect they are happy with their own company or have learnt to accept it, but deep down they would probably love to be part of the crowd. I know I was one of them at school.

@londongirl12

My DP doesn't show any feelings at all. But neither does his mum or dad so I try not to hold it against him!

What attracted you to him, @londongirl12?

This is such an interesting thread.
I often feel that I find it hard to empathise with people who themselves seem to lack empathy. I know that sounds ridiculous. For example, my instinct in @Overwhelmed222's example would be to make the colleague feel absolutely shit about making someone else feel shit. And I can't really forgive people who have for eg 'Little England' opinions about others even though I understand that those opinions probably come from a place of fear.

@Neolara

I wouldn’t agree with that interpretation but they say all autistic people are different so maybe some would? For me though, I don’t need a situation explaining to me to feel empathy. I feel it already. It’s the expressing the empathy in a way that neurotypical people find meets their standards that I struggle with. I know what the socially appropriate things to do are but they feel so unnatural to me and uncomfortable that I express empathy in my own ways instead. These ways don’t usually meet the standards of neurotypical people (ie I can’t hug someone other than my children, I can’t come up with comforting words that don’t sound fake or scripted) so I suppose they assume I don’t have empathy when inside I’m about to burst with how much I wish I could comfort them in a way they’d appreciate. We feel it but we can’t always show it.

Thanks Marisishidinginmyattic. That's really interesting.

I think the word you’re looking for is sympathise. It’s impossible to empathise with someone if you’ve not been through what they have. However you can still be sympathetic to their problems, heartache.
and No not everyone can or will sympathise either.

SpartacusAutisticus. You explained it much better than me, but that is exactly what I meant. It's interesting that Marisishidinginmyattic's experience is different.