Aibu to think some people can do empathy and some can't

[blagaaw99]

As title says. Aibu to think that some people are just unable to see things from another's viewpoint and empathise?

Nature or nurture?

It's both.
I think people can be naturally empathetic, but world beats it out of them... And the other way around. Naturally not empathetic, but learned through life experiences.

I thought the difficulties people with autism sometimes have around empathy were that they often find it so difficult to read social cues that they can misunderstand the nuance of social situations. As a result they often don't realise when it is appropriate to show empathy. When things are explained to them explicitly they can show great empathy. I'd be really interested to hear from others with experience of autism to see if they feel this is correct.

As an autistic adult i can say, that's a pretty good explanation. It's not just about not realising when it's appropriate to show empathy though. It's knowing how to do that in a way that'll be a) helpful and b) recognised as an attempt at empathy.
Autistic people struggle with empathy on a cognitive level, some autistic people struggle to make sense of their own feelings, let alone anyone else's. Autistic people don't "lack empathy." We're not sociopaths.

As a PP pointed out, NT people can be just as bad as understanding autistic people as we are them. I struggle to empathise with the NT people around me, equally they can find doing so with me very difficult. When it comes to autism and empathy i hate the way people focus on us, we're only half of the problem after all.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I think the word you’re looking for is sympathise. It’s impossible to empathise with someone if you’ve not been through what they have. However you can still be sympathetic to their problems, heartache. and No not everyone can or will sympathise either.

This is a good video to explain the difference. You do not have to be through what someone else has been through to feel empathy.

@SpartacusAutisticus

This bit is definitely how I feel. we are often over-blessed/cursed with the latter and when we do get what another person is feeling it can hit us hard, and because we learn that being over-emotional isn't seen as desirable we tend to learn too that we should suppress these responses. Then we get told we have no empathy. Can't win.

Tbh to be told by @Neolara that I was saying something different when this is exactly what I meant by my post is another upsetting reminder of how easily we are misinterpreted. This is why I usually stay away from discussing autism 😂

That is such a great video, thank you for sharing

Some just can't. It's not their fault but they may have a form of of autism as an example that prevents it or other disorder.

If empathy is about understanding / feeling what another person is feeling,,,well it just seems so complicated because there are always so many different ways people can respond to circumstances and so many different feelings that they could have ,is it ever more than fluke if people appear to get it right without careful explanation?

@blagaaw99

That is such a great video, thank you for sharing

I highly recommend her talk on Shame and Vulnerability too.

The only person I know who has no empathy for anyone is a sociopath. I don't always share people's views or feel the way they feel, but I can empathise with the emotions they feel, even if I don't share what brings them about.

Marisishidinginmyattic - Sorry! I'd focused in on the first part of SpartacusAutisticus's answer and skim read the end. Re-reading I can see you both made exactly the same point about expressing empathy. My mistake. It's really interesting hearing your experiences and I appreciate you answering my question.

Some people are naturally empathetic but it can be learned and cultivated, it's a skill. Buddhist practices for example include practices that generate empathy e.g loving kindness meditation.

@midgebabe

If empathy is about understanding / feeling what another person is feeling,,,well it just seems so complicated because there are always so many different ways people can respond to circumstances and so many different feelings that they could have ,is it ever more than fluke if people appear to get it right without careful explanation?

If someone is is feeling hurt and angry because their partner did something to upset them you might not react the same way yourself, or not really understand their reaction, but you can emphasise with the feelings of hurt and anger, can't you?

I thought that was sympathise

I guess the point I was having is how do you know if they are hurt or angry or just frustrated or a mixture

Empathy is being able to stand in someone's shoes, sympathy is standing separately and saying 'gosh how terrible for you'.

@midgebabe

I thought that was sympathise

I guess the point I was having is how do you know if they are hurt or angry or just frustrated or a mixture

Well you don't unless you are told.

Although some people are better than others at picking up on people's emotions and moods.

The ability to empathise is related to your sense of interoception. This is the ability to sense internal sensations such as hunger, pain but also emotions such as love and fear. When you empathise with someone your brain recreates the sensations being felt in the other person through this interoceptive process and this enables you to feel how someone else feels. If someone struggles to interpret their own interoceptive messages they cannot interpret someone elses either.

This is really interesting. I know a couple of people very close to me who are good people and want to make connections but find it hard to empathise with others. It’s not that they don’t care about other people but they can’t seem to imagine how another person might be thinking and in both cases (they are very similar) they come across as self absorbed and quite dull as they can to talk about what interests them and find it hard (impossible even) to understand why other people have different perspectives and what these
might be. It’s sad for them as they struggle to
make and keep friendships - I had to
Drop one of the relationships myself for a few months when I was going through stuff as I couldn’t bear to be around someone who just waffled on about their own life and never asked how things were for me.
I heard of a concept called “theory of mind” which some people can’t grasp ie that other people have separate thoughts, beliefs and experiences that are different to them and make them think differently to them. This means it’s a socio
cognitive skill that people can just lack. Whether it can be developed or not I don’t know.

So for some people the feeling is more easily triggered because they can read people better? That makes sense

Sorry if my comments sound a bit mean, these are people who have been in my life for a long time
and I care about and would do anything for them. But the lack of empathy can take its toll on those around them sadly.

@Midgebaby Being able to read people better but also being able to recreate the sensations of emotions in their bodies in your own

It's an interesting about interoception because the people I know who claim they are empathetic are actually, in my view at least, not at all. They undoubtedly feel lots of emotions when bad things happen to other people, but those are their emotions, not what the other person feels. So the situation often becomes about how bad they feel in response to the bad occurance, not about how the person it happened to feels. I would say they were good at interoception, though: they recognise how they feel. What they struggle with is recognising that's their feelings not someone elses.

Some just can't. It's not their fault but they may have a form of of autism as an example that prevents it or other disorder.

You sound like you're confusing autism with sociopathy.