Aibu to think some people can do empathy and some can't

[blagaaw99]

As title says. Aibu to think that some people are just unable to see things from another's viewpoint and empathise?

Nature or nurture?

Sorry that wasn't terribly clearly put. I mean being able to read another person is part of it , but being able to recreate the sensations of another persons emotion in your own body. So if you think about feeling anxious - fast heart rate, stiff shoulders , tight hands. You see someone looking anxious , you read that, but your body echoes the sensations felt by the person. A bit like how we can subconsciously mirror body language.

I think the two are distinct...reading people, how quickly you can work out what they are going through is separate from the feelings you get once you understand , and then the third state that people raised before, of how you react when you get that feeling

I think there are too many variables to know whether empathy is nurture or nature. We all have it inbuilt within us to varying degrees (except maybe psychopaths) but our upbringing and experiences will determine how/if they develop. Some people grow up with very cold parents but that doesn't mean that they will grow up that way themselves. And sometimes you hear of a cold, hard person who had loving, innocent parents. It just varies so much.

Whether i have empathy depends on how the person reacts to the situation they are in. E.g if the person works in the hospitality industry and is going to lose their job I would be empathetic towards their situation but if they expect to be furloughed for the next two years while the industry recovers rather than retrain or get another job then my empathy would be lost.

Austistic people can feel empathy as much as anyone else (sometimes to a debilitating degree) but how they show it may be very different to neurotypical people.

Others have said it but this is wrong, so wrong. It’s just expressed in a different way.

We are all capable of it, but it can look different in some, people read situations differently too. Narcissists can’t, for sure, they’re too busy focusing on themselves.

Weddinggrump yes I know people like that too. I had a loss of empathy due to traumatic brain injury. It changed my relationships and how I interacted with people massively. I am now recovered but it taught me that there is a physiological/ neurological basis to empathy. Caring about other people was exhausting without empathy. I relied on my thinking brain as the feeling part didn't work. I couldn't empathise , but I did care, but in a totally different way.

@bp300

Whether i have empathy depends on how the person reacts to the situation they are in. E.g if the person works in the hospitality industry and is going to lose their job I would be empathetic towards their situation but if they expect to be furloughed for the next two years while the industry recovers rather than retrain or get another job then my empathy would be lost.

I think that's sympathy that is felt and lost Empathy because , even if logically things should be ok, there are a lot of negative feelings that person could be having, it's still terrible unsettling, should they stick or try to find a job that might be safer, the prospect of boredom could be very scary... any one of those or many more options could trigger an empathetic feeling

Others have said it but this is wrong, so wrong. It’s just expressed in a different way.

Damn it I copied the wrong thing, I meant the idea autistic people can’t feel empathy is wrong of course. They just express in a diff way. Sorry I wish I could edit

I like to think of empathy as emotional imagination. Not everybody has the capacity to imagine, not everybody who has the capacity has the inclination, some with the inclination don't have the capacity (and are therefore very sympathetic but incapable or truly empathising). A lot of people struggle to grasp the idea that not everybody thinks the way they do, so what is logical to them is not so for everyone else. This is very true of black and white thinkers, be that due to autism spectrum disorders, personality disorders, upbringing or character

Now Spartacus, I ain't sure if you are pleased I am getting it or frustrated with me !

@SpartacusAutisticus

I wasn't stereotyping. You are taking what I said out of context. Not everyone with autism has black and white thinking, but many do.

I think some people find it more difficult but they could learn. I think its one of those things that if people close to someone accept that they aren't empathetic and just live with it then that person has no reason to learn.

www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-with-autism-can-read-emotions-feel-empathy1/

People with autism may be more likely to struggle with empathy but it's not a feature of autism as such

Deliberately didnt mention my autism but see it's already started.
I'm autistic, I used to struggle with empathy, but peoples responses taught me how important it was so I've really tried for years and am now very good, I also recognise when I'm struggling to empathise.
I know another autistic whose close relatives just accepted his behaviour and now he is so engrained in his "I only care about me" behaviour he's unbearable.

Not all autistics are black and white, unempathetic, stuck in their ways people. We can learn just like you, it's just harder. Like it may be harder for you to learn maths than me, but you can still achieve a good grade.

And are you a she rather than he?
My belief is that society make more effort to train girls in emotional stuff ....

Not everyone with autism has black and white thinking, but many do.

So do many neuro typical people! Lots! It’s not helpful to discuss autism this way, it really isn’t.

In my experience, autistic people feel more empathy. Far more.

This will sound bonkers and I’ve always struggled to articulate it but after DD was born it was like the empathy switch in my brain was flicked on. Suddenly I automatically considered how other people would likely take what I was saying, and I found myself modifying my behaviour in various ways where previously I’d have just blustered through. It was like a superpower (I can be fairly insensitive and speak without thinking). When DD was a year old it started to fade but now I actively try to think through things like that. I’m much less successful though.

Whether i have empathy depends on how the person reacts to the situation they are in. E.g if the person works in the hospitality industry and is going to lose their job I would be empathetic towards their situation but if they expect to be furloughed for the next two years while the industry recovers rather than retrain or get another job then my empathy would be lost

If you can choose whether you have empathy for someone based on whether you approve of them is it really empathy? I think it's more likely you're just sympathising while they're in a situation that you consider to be bad, because imagining how someone feels doesn't stop when they make decisions you don't like. Empathy can surpass your judgements.

DH and his parents have selective empathy. Any small thing that goes wrong with the four of them ( mum dad son daughter) is a MAJOR disaster. Yet any major disaster to others ( even to people just on the other side of their 'circle'), including children, elderly and animals is not worthy of notice as the pain isnt to them.

They went to a young persons funeral and all they came back with is that the food was yummy at the funeral and the time if passing away was inconvient as they had plans that day.

My sister says its both, runs in genes and upbringing. Obviously I am the only one teaching my children to be kind towards others. My MIL used to ignore teachers and reward my DH when he had fights with other kids at preschool why?.. 'because he hit the other kid before the other did any harm at all'..

I think its a bit of both. But one of the things that my gorgeous psych helped me realise was that it was actions rather than thoughts that count. I was worried when I went on ad's that because I wasn't ruminating on an issue as much, that I didn't care as much. It's stupidly obvious, but she helped me realise that other people have no idea of how much of brain space they take up, its only the actions they can see. Its so obvious when you say it, but I've probably been thought of by some as not very empathatic, when really, thoughts hadn't moved into action. I'd overthought myself into innaction.

Nature I think.
Where I find buying presents for people stressful because I fear they won't be pleased with it, DH has no qualms and with hindsight I have gone along with some pretty awful presents that he suggested for people (convincingly).
When disaster happens his advice is 'put it behind you', 'move on with your life'. This is his genuine advice for eg divorce, lost job - it's good advice but who can just get up and move on? No time spent commiserating or supporting.
Using pretty cruel nicknames for people (just a joke) with hindsight I cringe at some of them which were used for years.