Will MIL favour SIL's child?

[Johmi]

Ok, so SIL (MIL's daughter) is expecting her first child in December and she's getting so much attention from MIL about everything. MIL's on top of every appointment and every buy and they are talking about the time after she gives birth and how MIL is going to be part of everything. MIL has even offered to move in with SIL if there are any restrictions that might keep them apart, and she has said things like "she's my only daughter and she might not have any more children, so I don't want to miss anything"..

Thing is though, we had a son in February and we have never received any attention. DH works for the NHS and during lockdown I was alone with two kids for 10-11 hours a day and never even received a text from MIL. Our son doesn't seem to even recognise her when we see her. DD has more of a relationship with her, but I even feel she's been neglected since SIL's been pregnant. My family live in Ireland and we only see them three times a year, and I just feel so alone. SIL has her whole family here, as well as her husband's family.

I'm just so scared that our children will feel second best :( Does anyone have any similar experience, and how do I deal with this? I'm feeling so down about this.

I think if your MIL lives close to her daughter and has a close relationship with her daughter then she is likely to have a closer relationship with those grandchildren.

Even with the best of intentions, if you can pop round the corner to see one set of grandchildren you're likely to have a closer bond than to grandchildren you I ly see a few times a year.

Birthdays, Christmas, gifting occasions I wpipd expect there to be fairness, but in terms of relationship I think this is fairly normal.

I don't say this to be mean. My Dad is one of 3 brothers, one brother and his children & Granchildren still live close to his mother (my grandmother), my Dad and the other brother live nowhere near my Gran. So we grandchildren and great grandchildren don't have as close a relationship with my Gran..... I love her, she loves me, but I don't pop round every Tuesday as its a 5 hour drive and that's just the way it is.

As sad and unfair as it is you can't force your MIL to be interested in her children. She's really missing out on a wonderful relationship with them but that's her choice. Your husband could talk to her about it but I'd not get hopes up of her changing. If she starts to treat your children unfairly as in birthdays/Christmas, etc then I'd say it would be time to cut her off completely. It's horrid but she's the one missing out on her wonderful grandchildren.

My MIL is incredibly close to her daughter, but there's never been a hint of favouritism between her children and ours. I know some people think that mothers are closer to their daughter's children than their son's but that doesn't have to be the case.

It must be hard to keep a close relationship going during lockdown. It's a tough time for you.

Yeah this is standard for many of us. It stings but it's just how it is, it's not meant maliciously.
On the plus side, you dont have a nightmare mil poking her nose in like some are stuck with.

You seem to be struggling with a lot of things. Hugs to you.

But I think the only way your children will feel "second best" is if you let them. If they, for instance, hear you discussing it with your DH.

And some people might see your MIL's interest as interfering! Let's see how much your SIL likes it once the baby's actually born...

Jesus - that didn't take long for someone to scream NC

She's close to her daughter and is excited. She's got to be polite around you and watch her step whereas she doesn't need to with the daughter.

Did MIL really ignore your texts during early lockdown while her son was working at a hospital? Sounds strange

I think this is a reasonable concern. It SHOULDN’T be this way, but for some reason a lot of women feel closer to and care more about the children of their daughters than their sons.

While it makes sense that your MIL is more invested in her daughters appointments etc than in yours (you would likely have found it intrusive if otherwise) the fact that she hasn’t shown much interest in your baby is a huge shame.

I don’t really have any advice, just hope the situation improves somehow

Honestly - how much time does your SIL give her mother, compared to your husband?

My first husband would have seen his mother (10 minutes away) Xmas, her birthday, Mother’s Day - if it weren’t for me. I note that it is now his second wife driving XMIL’s inclusion. There’s another son... when I first met the family, the son’s ex wife and second wife both visited MIL more than the son.

Obviously an anecdote - but one I’ve seen many times.

Even if you do see MIL regularly (or speak to her, or send photos...) be honest with yourself - who drives that, your husband or you?

When you were pregnant with your first, did your husband ever call his mum to discuss what colour cot blanket he was thinking of buying? Would SIL?

I know my MIL has always tried to make sure that she doesn’t “step on my mum’s toes” when it came to me being pregnant and the newborn days. SIL, her dd, had already had a baby and she’d recognised how much she needed her help and support just after the birth, and very much felt that most women would want their mum looking after them rather than their MIL.

She dotes on the kids equally, but I know she feels closer to my SIL’s dc.

@44PumpLane

I think if your MIL lives close to her daughter and has a close relationship with her daughter then she is likely to have a closer relationship with those grandchildren.

Even with the best of intentions, if you can pop round the corner to see one set of grandchildren you're likely to have a closer bond than to grandchildren you I ly see a few times a year.

Birthdays, Christmas, gifting occasions I wpipd expect there to be fairness, but in terms of relationship I think this is fairly normal.

I don't say this to be mean. My Dad is one of 3 brothers, one brother and his children & Granchildren still live close to his mother (my grandmother), my Dad and the other brother live nowhere near my Gran. So we grandchildren and great grandchildren don't have as close a relationship with my Gran..... I love her, she loves me, but I don't pop round every Tuesday as its a 5 hour drive and that's just the way it is.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. We live very close to MIL - only a 10 min walk actually. So in our case I think it definitely is a case of her being closer to her daughter than to her son :( My mum lives in another country and I honestly feel she's closer to our kids than MIL anyway x

I think YABU and YANBU a bit.

MIL should treat all GC equally if she hopes to have good relationships with them but she’s naturally going to be more involved in her daughter’s pregnancy than she was in yours.

Do you have a good relationship with your family, OP?

Even with the best of intentions, if you can pop round the corner to see one set of grandchildren you're likely to have a closer bond than to grandchildren you I ly see a few times a year.

I think the OP meant her family were in Ireland and so she only sees them a few times a year whereas she lives close to MIL.

OP, I think it depends on the MIL. My Mum is closer to DBro & SIL than to me and thinks their kids are the bees knees who can do no wrong but has less interest in my DC. But SILs DM rarely wants to look after their DC. My MIL is lovely and has been an ethusiastic grandparent to all her grandchildren.

She lives 10 minute away?
How often, before either of them had children of their own, did her children go round to see her / call her / include her in events?

At the end of the day - don't mean this to sound harsh - SIL is her daughter, so she's probably going to be more invested in this pregnancy than yours because she feels she can get more involved as it's her actual daughter rather than DIL. I'm one of 3 and my mum always said she feels closest to mine and sister's children because she can say things without the fear of upsetting the DIL or trying to be too involved and annoy DIL etc. MIL sometimes have difficulties navigating the waters etc.

SIL is MIL daughter. Unfortunately, generally this means closer relationship, more involvement when a baby is on the way. Happened millions of times previously. Unfortunate for you, but this tends to be how it is

Thanks for the replies! I think I'm upset because my family live in Ireland and we only see them three times a year, so I feel very alone and would have loved MIL to ask how I'm doing and asking to see her grandchildren and to be more involved. I would have absolutely loved it if she asked me to meet her for coffee with DS, or a walk in the park. I've sent her lots of pictures of the baby - she's never asked for them, but I've taken the initiative.

I would honestly love a closer relationship with MIL. And DH has a very close relationship with her - actually closer than hers and SIL's relationship. But it just doesn't seem to reflect on the grandchildren. At least not now that SIL is pregnant.. I'm just hoping there will be no difference once her child is born

my mum always said she feels closest to mine and sister's children because she can say things without the fear of upsetting the DIL

Exactly this really.

It’s similar to how I can say something plainly to my sister and she’ll take it in the spirit that I intended, whereas my SIL would probably disown me.

As a granny to two - one my son's and one my daughter's - I can see the other side to this. I love all my family dearly but would never ever in a month of Sundays be that mother-in-law who poked her beak in with advice to my darling daughter-in-law. Neither would I bustle round to cook dinner or do some gardening for them uninvited. I was involved with my daughter's pregnancy all the way and helped care for her son when she had a c-section, I pick him up from school and we juggle holiday cover together. I give her advice and don't sulk if she ignores me, I've seen her in the bath and cuddled her when she's been unhappy. It's the sort of relationship my daughter-in-law has with her parents. It doesn't mean I love either child more than the other and they know that. It's down to you how your children perceive the relationship - would it make any difference if you talked about it with your in-laws? Perhaps, like me, they don't want to tread on toes.

We've probably got the opposite scenario, we live 200 miles from my parents, whilst my brother and his family are less than 2 miles away. So my parents are naturally closer to my niece than my daughter (who they haven't seen except on a computer screen since last Christmas, thanks to Covid). We do what we can to build the best relationships possible, whilst acknowledging that it's never going to be the same as if we saw them every few days.

My husband's parents are about 10 miles from us, and we have generally seen them at least once a week since our daughter was born (except during the lockdown period). As a result my daughter knows them so much better.

The sad thing is that my husband's sister lives just round the corner from his parents and has 2 kids, one a very similar age to ours - but unfortunately due to family tensions that I don't understand myself we have almost never seen them, and she rarely meets up with her parents.

In my experience my mother in law definitely favours her daughters children over her sons (my husband)

Her daughter doesn't live close by (over an hours drive away) but she still goes visiting them most weeks and can go several weeks between visits to us though even though we live 10 minutes away.

It pisses us off and causes a lot of resentment, but they are either oblivious or don't care. The older the kids get they will realise and hopefully shame them I to realising how shit it is of them.

My kids have grandparents that make an effort (my parents). It bothers my husband too but he tries to keep the peace. I have no patience for that shit if they don't make the effort they can do one as far as I'm concerned.

Not all families are like this obviously, but I don't think my mum would treat my kids and my brothers kids differently if he had any.

@Johmi

Thanks for the replies! I think I'm upset because my family live in Ireland and we only see them three times a year, so I feel very alone and would have loved MIL to ask how I'm doing and asking to see her grandchildren and to be more involved. I would have absolutely loved it if she asked me to meet her for coffee with DS, or a walk in the park. I've sent her lots of pictures of the baby - she's never asked for them, but I've taken the initiative.

I would honestly love a closer relationship with MIL. And DH has a very close relationship with her - actually closer than hers and SIL's relationship. But it just doesn't seem to reflect on the grandchildren. At least not now that SIL is pregnant.. I'm just hoping there will be no difference once her child is born

Do you ask your MIL round for coffee, or for a walk in the park? Maybe start doing that a bit more, if you don't already

@lifestooshort123

As a granny to two - one my son's and one my daughter's - I can see the other side to this. I love all my family dearly but would never ever in a month of Sundays be that mother-in-law who poked her beak in with advice to my darling daughter-in-law. Neither would I bustle round to cook dinner or do some gardening for them uninvited. I was involved with my daughter's pregnancy all the way and helped care for her son when she had a c-section, I pick him up from school and we juggle holiday cover together. I give her advice and don't sulk if she ignores me, I've seen her in the bath and cuddled her when she's been unhappy. It's the sort of relationship my daughter-in-law has with her parents. It doesn't mean I love either child more than the other and they know that. It's down to you how your children perceive the relationship - would it make any difference if you talked about it with your in-laws? Perhaps, like me, they don't want to tread on toes.

This.....

I adore my grand kids but I had sons, so tread very carefully around my DILs there have been a couple of misunderstandings over the years. @Johmi you need to be the one to make the running if this is how she perceives your relationship.

"...time to cut her off completely"... one of the most ridiculous overreactions I've read on here!!

@lifestooshort123

As a granny to two - one my son's and one my daughter's - I can see the other side to this. I love all my family dearly but would never ever in a month of Sundays be that mother-in-law who poked her beak in with advice to my darling daughter-in-law. Neither would I bustle round to cook dinner or do some gardening for them uninvited. I was involved with my daughter's pregnancy all the way and helped care for her son when she had a c-section, I pick him up from school and we juggle holiday cover together. I give her advice and don't sulk if she ignores me, I've seen her in the bath and cuddled her when she's been unhappy. It's the sort of relationship my daughter-in-law has with her parents. It doesn't mean I love either child more than the other and they know that. It's down to you how your children perceive the relationship - would it make any difference if you talked about it with your in-laws? Perhaps, like me, they don't want to tread on toes.

Thanks for your reply. There might be a hint of this in our situation too. But can I ask if you'd felt the same if your daughter in law's family lived in another country and you knew that she was alone with everything? I feel I always initiate contact with MIL. I just don't feel she wants to be very close to me. I would actually love it if she "poked her beak in", as you say. She doesn't even ask how we're doing. During lockdown she knew I was all alone with two children - for three months, 11 hours a day! Still no text asking if we were ok

How is your relationship with mil generally? Have you asked for her help? She may feel that she can be proactive with her daughter but doesn't want to be seen as an interfering mil.