Will MIL favour SIL's child?

[Johmi]

Ok, so SIL (MIL's daughter) is expecting her first child in December and she's getting so much attention from MIL about everything. MIL's on top of every appointment and every buy and they are talking about the time after she gives birth and how MIL is going to be part of everything. MIL has even offered to move in with SIL if there are any restrictions that might keep them apart, and she has said things like "she's my only daughter and she might not have any more children, so I don't want to miss anything"..

Thing is though, we had a son in February and we have never received any attention. DH works for the NHS and during lockdown I was alone with two kids for 10-11 hours a day and never even received a text from MIL. Our son doesn't seem to even recognise her when we see her. DD has more of a relationship with her, but I even feel she's been neglected since SIL's been pregnant. My family live in Ireland and we only see them three times a year, and I just feel so alone. SIL has her whole family here, as well as her husband's family.

I'm just so scared that our children will feel second best :( Does anyone have any similar experience, and how do I deal with this? I'm feeling so down about this.

It is only natural to feel closer to your daughters and your daughter's grandchildren. Don't take it personally.

@lifestooshort123

As a granny to two - one my son's and one my daughter's - I can see the other side to this. I love all my family dearly but would never ever in a month of Sundays be that mother-in-law who poked her beak in with advice to my darling daughter-in-law. Neither would I bustle round to cook dinner or do some gardening for them uninvited. I was involved with my daughter's pregnancy all the way and helped care for her son when she had a c-section, I pick him up from school and we juggle holiday cover together. I give her advice and don't sulk if she ignores me, I've seen her in the bath and cuddled her when she's been unhappy. It's the sort of relationship my daughter-in-law has with her parents. It doesn't mean I love either child more than the other and they know that. It's down to you how your children perceive the relationship - would it make any difference if you talked about it with your in-laws? Perhaps, like me, they don't want to tread on toes.

Lovely post

As others have pointed out that is her daughter going through pregnancy. Of course she will dote on her rather than her DIL... There are also many DIL and MIL who don't get along. Maybe she is just trying to give you space especially because people have a hair trigger when it comes to their children and parenting choices.

Thank you so much for your replies. I agree that I need to try harder with MIL. She might be scared of stepping on my toes, and I need to make it clearer that it's not like that and that I'd really love for her to be involved.

But for those of you who say I'm jealous of SIL's relationship with MIL, it's really not like that. To me this is all about the children. I'd appreciate her getting involved with them and asking how they're doing, and also supporting me when I'm all alone with them day in and day out.

She's buying a cot for SIL's child to go in her house. Our kids have never spent the night in hers, apart from when DD stayed for one night when I gave birth to DS! She's offered to move in with SIL to help out and if there's another lockdown. SIL has her DH's family close by to help with anything as well..

Part of this is that I feel all alone with two kids. DH works A LOT, which I appreciate, as what he does is really important, especially now, but I wish I had more people around me and that MIL could see that I'm all alone most of the time x

When we moved my mil had my 2 x dc overnight. The one and only time. I went round and put them to bed. Collected them at 7 am - took them to a flat full of boxes. They hadn't even had breakfast there.
Sil's dc slept over every single week end. Even holidays abroad for them...
Backing away saved my dc from witnessing such favouritism..

I can completely understand how you feel, and it is hurtful, but it’s also natural for your MIL to feel close to her daughter, just the way things are.

I understand why you feel shit OP, it’s really understandable. I also agree that it’s only to be expected that there’s a different dynamic when it comes to a daughter giving birth vs. a DIL giving birth. But that’s not to say that her neglect of her existing grandchildren is OK.

She might be scared of stepping on my toes, and I need to make it clearer that it's not like that and that I'd really love for her to be involved.

That’s really good. At least then the ball is in her court.

But for those of you who say I'm jealous of SIL's relationship with MIL, it's really not like that. To me this is all about the children

I understand that. MIL really favours DD (the first grandchild and longed-for granddaughter) and DS gets forgotten. He just wasn’t very demonstrative with his attention and affections when he saw her, and so she just gravitated to extrovert DD. Well it turns out that he’s autistic so now she cuts him a bit of slack and makes an effort to interact with him. I spent the last few years quietly seething at how unfair she was being. It hurts when you see a grandparent failing to love a grandchild like they should.

I remember reading a university research report which came up with the theory that it's basic evolution to blame here.

1. MIL knows that SILS baby is definitely her biological relation. Your baby could be the milkman's OP
2. A baby girl (SIL) is born with all the eggs it will ever produce, and make babies with. So the GC that a daughter (SIL) produces come from eggs that were created by and once existed inside her mothers (MILS) body.

Hope that hasn't freaked anyone out too much

Had a similar situation with my MIL except she only had sons and had always wanted a girl. We had the first GC which was a boy. To be fair she hid her disappointment well but when BIL produced the longed for girl we were completely overlooked.
I felt similar to you OP - my parents also live in Ireland and I’m in the UK. BIL’s wife had both her parents and the PIL living close by and they just couldn’t do enough for her. Loads of childcare, overnight stays etc. which they had said no to for us.

Eventually I had to back away from the relationship as it was just too hurtful. I let my DH arrange any visits etc now and just don’t get involved. They know exactly why things are the way they are and just don’t seem to care. I really hope you can find a way to have a better relationship with your PIL. I feel it is such a sad situation that my DC have grandparents living so close to us that have virtually no involvement in their lives.