Will MIL favour SIL's child?

[Johmi]

Ok, so SIL (MIL's daughter) is expecting her first child in December and she's getting so much attention from MIL about everything. MIL's on top of every appointment and every buy and they are talking about the time after she gives birth and how MIL is going to be part of everything. MIL has even offered to move in with SIL if there are any restrictions that might keep them apart, and she has said things like "she's my only daughter and she might not have any more children, so I don't want to miss anything"..

Thing is though, we had a son in February and we have never received any attention. DH works for the NHS and during lockdown I was alone with two kids for 10-11 hours a day and never even received a text from MIL. Our son doesn't seem to even recognise her when we see her. DD has more of a relationship with her, but I even feel she's been neglected since SIL's been pregnant. My family live in Ireland and we only see them three times a year, and I just feel so alone. SIL has her whole family here, as well as her husband's family.

I'm just so scared that our children will feel second best :( Does anyone have any similar experience, and how do I deal with this? I'm feeling so down about this.

communicate with each other - not communicate with her

Easy answer, she will not favour her daughter's child above her son's, but she is looking after her daughter as all mums do.

It's a long time ago now, my children are in their forties, but my mother in law told me "Your grandchildren are more your grand children when they're your daughter's children" and when they were very small, certainly present -wise when they were born, she favoured my nephews. But as they grew up all that changed, and certainly I think now her favourite grandchildren are my two eldest!
I feel sad for you, @Johmi, but it really is her loss, and when you see your own family, their love will certainly make up for it. I too lived a long way from my family, and that made seeing them all the more special.

@81Byerley

It's a long time ago now, my children are in their forties, but my mother in law told me "Your grandchildren are more your grand children when they're your daughter's children" and when they were very small, certainly present -wise when they were born, she favoured my nephews. But as they grew up all that changed, and certainly I think now her favourite grandchildren are my two eldest! I feel sad for you, *@Johmi*, but it really is her loss, and when you see your own family, their love will certainly make up for it. I too lived a long way from my family, and that made seeing them all the more special.

This is rubbish.

I have grandchildren from both my son and my daughter and all the grandchildren are loved and treated the same.

I was alone with two kids for 10-11 hours a day and never even received a text from MIL

Did you text and ask how she was doing? You say she's busy, so perhaps it didn't even occur to her.
Lockdown was a very challenging time for everyone.

I agree with pp that she probably doesn't want to interfere and be accused of being the MIL from hell.

I know that my DM is able to be free, easy and say what she wants to me and Dsis, where she wouldn't with SIL, for fear of upsetting or appearing critical.

When it's your own children, you have a bond and know their not likely to take offence at the slightest of things.

You mentioned that your MIL offered to move in with SIL depending on the restrictions when she had the baby. I know that my DM is more comfortable when she stays with me or Dsis in in comparison with when she stays at my brothers.

Also, equal treatment and closeness are two different things.

So your MIL may end up closer to the other GC, but she can still treat them equally.

You said your MIL has a good relationship with your DD and I think that Lockdown impacted her seeing your DS much.

I also don't think geographical distance is not necessarily a huge barrier to having a closerelationship. I live in the same city as DHs parents and mine lived 200 miles away when the DC were younger, yet our DC saw my family more often than the other GPS...who were only about 18 miles away.

My DC are closer to my parents and I notice that when they say Grandma or Grandpa, they always mean my parents, but when referring to DHs parents, they would say Daddy's dad or Grandad [surname]

A pp also said something I absolutely agree with and very often, it's the DIL who makes the effort over her DH to see his own DM. How much effort does your DH make with his mum?

The number of threads I've read on MN where MIL visits and the DH suddenly finds all the jobs he needs to do and won't stay in the room with his DM, leaving DIL to entertain her.

I know that I have to almost push DH to visit his folks, so naturally my DC are closer to my parents and all the Aunt's and Uncles on my side of the family.

Also if the underlying issue is you want as close a relationship as she has with her daughter, you need to be proactive in achieving this...

My DSIs told me that my mum had a preference for my son, sister couldn’t say anything about her DD without DM telling her that my son did it earlier, better, etc.

It was reassuring to hear that DM was doing the same to me. So if your children are ignored, do not assume SIL’s DC are being treated any better.

Here's something hilarious for you. My MIL kept all her baby stuff and all my DH's decent toys (bags and bags of lego, Meccano, die cast cars, jigsaws etc.) from when he was a child, for her own DD, my SIL. All through my DS's early years she told me that they were not for my DC, but for her DD's DC when they arrive. Whenever we did something with our DC or they met a milestone we got "When my DD's DC ......". It was really annoying. Mine were competing with imaginary children.

Well, now mine are in their teens and they don't really want to know PIL. My SIL is single and has no DC and is hitting 50.

It's a tough one. I think from the outside looking in, people would say my mother is closer to (and maybe favours) my lo over my brother's children. It's not intentional but I'm close to my mother generally and we're in contact most days. My brother loves my mum and is close to her, but he'll go weeks and weeks without speaking to her because he's got a busy job and I also think just doesn't need or want that level of contact. So she's inevitably more involved in my life because we share more and have more contact.

Also, I know my mother is very conscious of how my SIL perceives her. She's wary not to be seen as stepping on her toes or seeming overbearing so she takes a more hands off approach with the view that they'll ask for her help if they want it. With me, she trusts that I'd tell her if she was being a bit 'much' so she can be more herself and a bit more proactive without worrying about upsetting anyone.

So it's really more about the dynamics of the relationships she has with me, my brother and SIL that have shaped how she is. It's not a conscious thing of her preferring one grandchild over another.

Could your mil just be more comfortable getting involved with your sil for similar reasons? As in she feels less likely to be perceived as stepping on toes with her daughter than say you and your dh?

Wish I could say otherwise but in our case there’s a HUGE difference. Not much you can do and it made lockdown much easier as the kids didn’t miss the rare contact Granny had with them 😀. In our case she lives 8-10 minutes away and sees them maybe twice a year. Sees SIL DD daily.

This is my experience I'm afraid. SIL is favoured over DH and this has 100% transferred to the children. We literally live 5 mins round the corner yet she sees DN who lives 30 mins away far more than DS.

I am lucky as, unlike you, half of my family live round the corner too so DS is constantly around people who actually care about him and are interested in him.

I do feel sad about it, and feel sad for DH as when DS is older he will only be close to my family really.

Hugs though as I know it isn't nice.

YANBU, but unfortunately it's what usually happens.
It's a shame your family isn't closer, maybe look at seeing them more often if possible.
You just get used to it, the kids get used to it, the gap widens until in the end the kids notice the favouritism and have little contact.

It's a standing joke in our family that MIL doesn't have favourites.
Her favouritism is so blatant it's the reasons we are low contact.
All the siblings have kids but the 'current' favourite child is expecting and we all know where that is going. Those of us with kids that can feel the rejection stay well clear, it causes friction and a massive divide.
It's sad but we deal with it

Maybe your MIL knows how poorly regarded are the paternal mothers on MN, the maternal mother has top billing and now it's her turn!

I am going through a similar situation. My husband is definitely not the favourite child. It's blatantly obvious even though she denies it. He knows it, accepts it and I feel sorry for him. He is also the son who cares the most about his mum and gives her everything she asks for. It's really sad.
My son is the first grandchild in the family. For a while he was the favourite. But now my husbands brothers have had kids and no one bothers with my son anymore. My MIL didn't even call my son on his birthday, she lives abroad so couldn't visit. All the other grand-kids got gifts sent to them, my son got nothing.

This has been going on for a while now so you do get used to it and you have to realise you can't force someone to like you and give you attention. I am sure you are a great person like my husband and my son, but I say its her loss. I've told husband directly, if my son doesn't want to visit his family when he's older, I can't blame him because kids aren't stupid and he will know they aren't treating him like other grandchildren. He totally agrees and said he won't force him to go.

I would say, see how it goes. But don't be too upset.

Count yourself lucky! My MIL is totally claustrophobic and over-invested in my son so I'd love your situation!

This hasn’t been the case for us. We live quite close to my PIL and they have always been very interested and hands on with my children. My SIL lives further away, but when they are here all the grandchildren are treated the same. She sees more of my children because we live closer.

Of course she’s closer to my SIL, she’s her own daughter after all, but I don’t feel there is any favouritism with the grandchildren.

@Mulhollandmagoo

Text her and ask her to meet for a coffee, or pitch up at hers with the kids and tell her to stick the kettle on!!! sometimes people are over apprehensive of each others boundaries, so struggle to communicate with her, you don't know that your MIL isn't desperate to stick her beak in with you and the kids, but after reading some mumsnet threads about how MILs are the devil incarnate, she daren't, she might not be ignoring you, she might be trying to be respectful of your boundaries, she'll already have an established relationship and boundaries with her daughter so she'll find it much easier than with you. You make the first move, you never know she might really really appreciate it!!

Also, massive props to you for having a newborn and an NHS worker husband all through lockdown, that must have been really difficult

Thats a great way to get the door slammed in your face and make things even harder. O p has said multiple times that her Mil is busy with a full plate...You think showing up invited demandind a tea is going to make these better?

Going by threads on here a lot of MIL can't do right for doing wrong so I could sympathise a bit. If she had offered all the things she was doing for her daughter you could imagine a thread accusing her of being overbearing or crossing lines. I think maybe if you get on well otherwise, then you could invite her to more things and include her, would she accept? I understand how tough it must be with family far away.

It’s been the case for us. I said for a while to DH our children are second class citizens with MIL a compared to his sisters kids. I’ve never made a fuss tho and just accepted it. Until SIL DS broke out eldest nose in front of everyone (by head butting him in the face) and mil and Sil refused to accept that he did anything wrong and was just being playful. DH called her out and she said plain as day she considers sil kids the priority and wouldn’t conceded there should have been an apology. He’s not spoke to her for ages now and she can’t understand why

Your relationship is nowhere near the same as MIL and her daughters. Her DD is likely calling alot, has her involved with current pregnancy, seeking out her support so MIL feels needed.

Would be unusual for a DIL to do the same with their MIL, I certainly didnt reach out to mine , it was my own mum. You are expecting her to offer and provide support but your DH hasnt engaged his mum in the same way as his sister nd you dont appear to have any relationship with her. You cant expect her to step in to replace your mum. Your mum could have come to support you but hasnt. Seems you may be feeling a little jealous of your MIL relationship with her daughter as it clearly isnt the same as you have with your own mum.

Is your DH worried about his mothers relationship with his DC?

I think that sometimes it good to look at what you put into the relationship as well. In my case, I held mil at arms length and didn’t let her visit me in hospital when dc’s were born. I could list other events can I felt were good reasons. I didn’t really like going to visit them, saw it as a chore.
My sil (not daughter) was much more welcoming than I was so theirs grand children had a better relationship with her.

I’ve now tried to foster a better relationship with her and it’s improved.

@Leaannb Well aren't you an absolute delight eh?

the OP said just the once that her MIL had a full plate, she also said she thinks its because her MIL doesn't want to intrude, so try reading all of the OP's replies before being rude as to a stranger on the internet. Also might be worth having another read of my post....nowhere in it did I suggest 'demanding' anything

We had similar. Had the first grandchild, a boy. MIL had wanted a girl. She was lovely to him and us, but has ditched us since SIL gave birth to a girl a year ago. Double whammy of daughter’s child and the girl she wanted. PILs have literally built an extension to their house as a playroom for her, buy her presents every day, have her for sleepovers once a week. They treat her like she’s their child whereas DS is maybe like a friend’s child. It’s sad but I can’t do anything about it.

Well right now it's not about the baby it's about her own child. She's mothering her daughter and bonding over the experience of child birth with her own child.

It might be true that she ends up having GDC preferences but it might just be that she feels closer to her daughter than you. I know I felt much closer to my own Mum than my MIL during pregnancy and the early years.

Also MIL sometimes get a really hard time on here for interfering in their son's household so she may just be trying to respect your space.