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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will MIL favour SIL's child?

84 replies

Johmi · 25/09/2020 12:44

Ok, so SIL (MIL's daughter) is expecting her first child in December and she's getting so much attention from MIL about everything. MIL's on top of every appointment and every buy and they are talking about the time after she gives birth and how MIL is going to be part of everything. MIL has even offered to move in with SIL if there are any restrictions that might keep them apart, and she has said things like "she's my only daughter and she might not have any more children, so I don't want to miss anything"..

Thing is though, we had a son in February and we have never received any attention. DH works for the NHS and during lockdown I was alone with two kids for 10-11 hours a day and never even received a text from MIL. Our son doesn't seem to even recognise her when we see her. DD has more of a relationship with her, but I even feel she's been neglected since SIL's been pregnant. My family live in Ireland and we only see them three times a year, and I just feel so alone. SIL has her whole family here, as well as her husband's family.

I'm just so scared that our children will feel second best :( Does anyone have any similar experience, and how do I deal with this? I'm feeling so down about this.

OP posts:

Sunnydaysstillhere · 25/09/2020 13:52

I had the first dgc for my ils. A year later sil also had a boy. Chris himself wasn't as well received...
My ds was very much dumped. Sil lived on mil's Street. We lived 3 streets away.
May as well have been 3 countries away.
Things never got any better.
I withdrew my efforts and took my dc with me.

PatriciaPerch · 25/09/2020 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatriciaPerch · 25/09/2020 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchend · 25/09/2020 13:56

SIL is probably wondering how quickly she can move to near you! Poor SIL.

nicknamehelp · 25/09/2020 13:56

My mil favoured my dd and totally ignored my ds only a few years between them. You've just got to rise above it.

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2020 13:57

If she's closer to her son than her daughter, why hasn't your DH spoken to her about it?

Is she so scared of treading on toes she's keeping her distance?

It seems odd she doesn't want a closer relationship with her son's children.

Do you/he invite her round for lunch? Outings?

I'd turn it over to your husband to discuss/investigate

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 25/09/2020 13:57

I think there are two things going on here.

First she seems a lot more invested in your SiLs pregnancy than yours and I guess that's normal, I didnt really want to discuss my body with my husbands family when I was pregnant.

The second is that she only lives 10 minutes away and your children don't recognise her. That's shit and must be upsetting if you have tried your best to involve her. And it does sound like she may make more effort with your SiLs children which again I do think is unfair if you have tried to involve her in her current grandchildrens lives. Could you talk to your husband about it and ask him to try and see what can be done to get her more involved? What does he think about it?

lanthanum · 25/09/2020 13:58

She's probably assumed your mum would be the person you'd want supporting you most, and didn't realise that because of the distance you could actually have done with more local support. The amount she's involved with SIL would drive some people scatty, but it sounds as if SIL is okay with it. If she'd done that much for you and you'd not wanted it, it would have been awkward.

You have to feel your way to the level of involvement which suits you - make sure you keep communication open and issue invites, and don't assume she's not interested. Negotiating the level you'd like is, of course, hampered at the moment by all the restrictions.

Original poster

Johmi · 25/09/2020 13:58

@PatriciaPerch

I also imagine having a baby yourself in February before lockdown, husband working in a high risk job, feeling homesick for your home country and family - must have been REALLY HARD for you, so please be kind to yourself x

Thank you :)

OP posts:

TulipsTwoLips · 25/09/2020 13:59

Relationships are so much more than just proximity. Out of extended family I am much closer to my Dad's mum and my Mum's brother. Nothing to do who saw who most when we were younger, or who went to what appointments or babysat. They are just the relatives I clicked with the most and nothing could change that.

Try not to worry

Thisisnotnormal69 · 25/09/2020 14:01

During that time did you text MIL to ask how she was, ask out for coffee where restrictions allow etc?

Sounds rubbish though I’m sorry. But unfortunately it sounds like this is just how it’s going to continue to be

1starwars2 · 25/09/2020 14:03

My DMil tries hard but I think she is naturally closer to Sil (her daughter) children than ours. They were her first grandchildren, Sil was young when she had them and needed help.
She is my kids only grandmother as my Mum is dead. I am glad she tries. Can you see more of your family even if they are far away?

Original poster

Johmi · 25/09/2020 14:05

Thanks for the replies! I think you're right in that she might not want to intrude. There might be miscommunication, but I feel I try to get her involved. Maybe I do it a bit carefully so that she might not get the message, but I'm very scared of being turned down by her. She has a lot on her plate. Two sons still live at home and she also works. I don't want to intrude either, if that makes sense. She knows I'm on mat leave and that I'm all alone all day, with no baby groups. I just think she's the busy one and that she should be the one who says she wants to see her grandkids when she has time for that

OP posts:

LooseleafTea · 25/09/2020 14:05

As post above I was wondering how much you show you care for your mil too and checked how she was but I’m sure you did, as it works both ways . It’s not easy with your family away and if appropriate I’d find it helpful your DH having a word that you’d love more contact as your family further etc

PatriciaPerch · 25/09/2020 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annasgirl · 25/09/2020 14:07

Yes - I say this as someone who has been through it all - my older DC even eye roll to me now when MIL does her blow by blow account of the fabulous children of my SIL - while ignoring mine. It hurts, but in the end, MIL has missed out on the wonderful, wonderful children I have. And it cannot be changed.

Charleyhorses · 25/09/2020 14:10

I think you get out what you put in.
My mum was closer to my kids. I made the effort to take them to see her and involved her. I made huge efforts to take them to see my in laws, independent of dh as he worked long hours. They had a lovely relationship.
It would never have occurred to any of them to contact me to see if I was ok.
Instead of worrying be proactive go and see her regularly with your children.

Original poster

Johmi · 25/09/2020 14:13

@Nanny0gg We have asked to go for lunch wit all of us, but she nevers has time. She does have a lot on her plate . DH has offered to speak to her about it today, but I'm scared it will create an argument

OP posts:

Lilybet1980 · 25/09/2020 14:13

A lot of what you have mentioned is really about your relationship with MIL which doesn’t have to impact her relationship with the children.

My Mum was always asking how I was through both pregnancies and keen to visit often (she lives 3 hours away). She looked after Dc1 when I went into hospital to have DC2.

I’ve never received a text from MIL but we get on absolutely fine. I’ve never called or text her that I can remember and she sees the kids a lot less than her other grandkids due to distance but I know she loves and treats them all equally (or as much as you can when some live close and others far away).

It’s perfectly normal that a mother is closer to her DD than her DIL. The relationship with the kids should be driven their father.

BrieAndChilli · 25/09/2020 14:15

Maybe try doing things like saying ‘baby is feeling poorly, would you mind popping over and playing with the toddler for an hour please’ or ‘would you like to come round for a coffee’ etc just things that show you need her and she might be more likely to help?

I’ve got the opposite to you. My mum is not involved at all. We have been NC for years now but when the kids were babies she still wasn’t bothered. MIL on the other hand is the opposite and although lives 2 hours away is always buying the kids school clothes or send up things she’s seen and always has the kids to stay in the school holidays or comes to our to do childcare. We do get on well though and there’s no formality between us.

MagpieSong · 25/09/2020 14:17

Keep trying to get her involved, but also don't fret or blame yourself if it continues to not develop into something closer. Try not to be scared of being turned down if you can, acknowledge she's busy but be clear that you'd 'love her to come' to whatever or pop over.

Family relationships can be tough sometimes, but your DC probably won't feel too let down. I also think it's early days and sometimes the dynamics change when DC are running about and chatting too, because children themselves initiate chat and interaction when GPs visit by that age. In babyhood, I think there can sometimes be a bit of a removed feel for a variety of reasons. It must have been really hard for you during lockdown and probably feels all the more raw because of that and being further from your family. It's true that she probably 'should' be, but in my experience, some family members often don't do what they 'should', though it can be frustrating/upsetting. That early days loneliness/exhaustion can be so difficult and misunderstood (my ds wasnt born in lockdown, but was so ill we couldn't attend groups often and never got to socialise properly). Keep going and remember it will get better.

Frankola · 25/09/2020 14:29

I'll give honest information about my experience here.

My PIL favour SILs children massively above their other grandkids. They always have.

DH and I have had PIL cancel babysitting for us in order to do it for SIL. SILs kids get better birthday and Christmas presents than all the others. PIL spend way more time and effort going places with SILs kids etc etc.

They don't even try to hide it. Everyone in the family makes jokes about it often. SIL is also aware of the favouritism and wouldnt have it any other way but if anyone remotely mentions it she gets very snarky about it.

SoloMummy · 25/09/2020 14:32

@TerribleCustomerCervix

my mum always said she feels closest to mine and sister's children because she can say things without the fear of upsetting the DIL

Exactly this really.

It’s similar to how I can say something plainly to my sister and she’ll take it in the spirit that I intended, whereas my SIL would probably disown me.

I so agree and see this in my own family. The treading so carefully with my sils compared to my sisters!

And mumsnet shows you how easily dils seem to be offended, that it's son understandable and natural imo.

Woundedadmiral · 25/09/2020 14:37

I really feel for you OP. I think you need to let this go. Maybe the bigger issue is not being on your home turf and not feeling really settled with a support network. I would focus on changing that and ignore your MIL's rather untactful hysteria.

Mulhollandmagoo · 25/09/2020 14:38

Text her and ask her to meet for a coffee, or pitch up at hers with the kids and tell her to stick the kettle on!!! sometimes people are over apprehensive of each others boundaries, so struggle to communicate with her, you don't know that your MIL isn't desperate to stick her beak in with you and the kids, but after reading some mumsnet threads about how MILs are the devil incarnate, she daren't, she might not be ignoring you, she might be trying to be respectful of your boundaries, she'll already have an established relationship and boundaries with her daughter so she'll find it much easier than with you. You make the first move, you never know she might really really appreciate it!!

Also, massive props to you for having a newborn and an NHS worker husband all through lockdown, that must have been really difficult

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