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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to stay at home this Christmas

320 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 24/09/2020 10:55

Sorry this is complicated and long winded, will try to get to the point. I have two children and my husband has another from a previous relationship....which for many reasons I have not seen in 3 years(the mother is very nasty, and always calling the shots, court would make no difference, she's not the sort to listen to a court order, and it's been so long and the relationship between me and this child has been too severely damaged to repair, not to mention the impact on my children to attempt a reconsilliation again), however my husband has still had regular contact every other weekend, and until the pandemic was staying overnight at his parents on those weekends.
With christmas looming I am anticipating the next hurdle. It is his turn to have his other child on Xmas Eve and day. They have for the past 4 years been taking turns rather than having half the day each as previously, which was unfair as my husband had to do all the running around in the middle of our Christmas dinner. 2 years ago, when it was last his turn, I was left heavily pregnant with a 3 year old over Xmas, and decided to go to my mums, which didn't actually help as my then 3 year old still spent hours upon hours crying for her daddy on Christmas Eve, and the whole experience was very upsetting all round. Our youngest will be almost 2 by Christmas and I'm upset for him as well as my 5 year old that they will not have their dad on Christmas day. I understand he wants to see his other child and have no issue with that, but I feel he should be spending the day with us. His other child wouldn't miss out by having Christmas with her mother instead, but our children will be devastated to not have daddy at home. I cannot imagine him telling her mother he can't have her this Christmas or asking to change the arrangements, or her accepting any changes but I feel he needs to put his foot down and do right by us for a change. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to spend Christmas with us instead of his other child?

OP posts:

cabingirl · 24/09/2020 13:01

What happened that damaged your relationship with your step daughter? How old is she? Best solution would be to have her come to you for Christmas so that all siblings can be with their Dad.

choli · 24/09/2020 13:04

@Blackdog19

This seems mad. How can your dc build a relationship with their half sibling?

From the tone of her first post I very much doubt the OP wants her DP to have a relationship with his other child, let alone the half siblings.

Prettybubblesintheair · 24/09/2020 13:05

This is absolutely ridiculous and I refuse to believe a 3 year old spent “hours upon hours” crying for daddy without some serious egging on by you so you can guilt trip your husband with it later. 3 year olds by nature are easily distracted by a treat or a tv show so surrounded by you and your family on Christmas Day with presents etc would more than adequately placate her, unless of course you didn’t want it to.

You need to grow up, why is your relationship with a child damaged beyond repair? You’re the adult, fix it. If I were your dh I’d be thinking whether I actually wanted to be with someone who stopped my child having a relationship with their siblings and wouldn’t even have them in the house. If you get a grip and fix your relationship with this child you can have a happy family Christmas with your husband and his child, your children can enjoy Christmas with their sibling. The problem in all of this is you.

sqirrelfriends · 24/09/2020 13:07

So the way I understand it, he spends Christmas with his daughter out of your house? Where do they stay for this?
Why can't she come to yours, will her mum not allow it?

Either way, this Christmas situation is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of issues this could bring about. You need to push for proper contact, it's not working for about one in this situation, especially your DSD.

CatteStreet · 24/09/2020 13:08

A child - a 3yo at that - spending 'hours upon hours crying for her daddy' on Christmas Day is very unusual and frankly worrying behaviour, unless you induced it by means of constant references to how dreadful it was that daddy wasn't there.

Part of being with someone who already has children involves reining in your own preferences, dislikes and resentments and putting all the children in the situation first. It doesn't sound as if you are able/willing to do this.

Iola4 · 24/09/2020 13:13

YABU
I'm sorry but this is what you signed up to. You knew he had a child from the outset.
You need to accept this.

I'm not a man, but I'm starting to feel sad that ppl complain when dad's don't make an effort with other children AND when they do make the effort, seems like a no win situation for them.

I've never been in this situation but it must be awful for all involved. Both sides only make a loss as the parent has to separate their time, it's difficult and very likely upsetting for all the kids involved, but your partner is putting in an effort.

As PP mentioned, you had a choice, you knew he had a child, he is doing the right thing, he therefore cannot give you first dibs from the outset, your children have a step sibling.

You need to work together to make your family life special, Christmas is just one day, there's 365 to make just as special.

dreamingbohemian · 24/09/2020 13:13

I think you need to explain why your husband's other child is not welcome in your home.

justasking111 · 24/09/2020 13:13

Now I am confused is your partner playing happy families with his ex and child on xmas eve and xmas day. Leaving you as the second family alone?

KatherineJaneway · 24/09/2020 13:15

@dreamingbohemian

I think you need to explain why your husband's other child is not welcome in your home.

I agree. It is like a big piece of the situation is missing.

Antipodeancousin · 24/09/2020 13:17

Ridiculous. Resident parents who continually breach court orders end up as the NRP. Your husband hasn’t bothered to sort this situation out legally and you have accepted it, probably because you prefer not having a stepchild in your home. You can’t then whinge when he splits the holidays too because you’d prefer him home.

Nottherealslimshady · 24/09/2020 13:17

I think it's really shit he has to leave his family and go to his mums to see his other child, especially Christmas. There must be another solution, rather than him alternating which children he spends Christmas with.

aSofaNearYou · 24/09/2020 13:22

Hmmm I think this depends on a fair amount of info that isn't here.

Who instigated the situation where you don't spend time with your DSD? If it was you, then this is the consequence really, but if it came from her than I don't think you are being unreasonable. She shouldn't be able to demand her dad doesn't see the rest of his family on Christmas.

Why do you say she wouldn't be affected by not seeing him? Is she much older?

You said that on the years he spends Christmas with her he visits his parents. Would they not like to spend Christmas with all of you, including their other grandchildren? It seems odd that they spend it with only one.

Ultimately your options are either to sort out the relationship between you and her so that you can spend it together, or revert back to half days so it's not as much of a sting.

ClickandForget · 24/09/2020 13:25

Only seeing Dad for a couple of hour Christmas Day shouldn't make your children spend the day crying - mine worked shifts so we had to wave goodbye just after Christmas lunch every 3rd year

Agree. This was the norm for my family when our children were small. It wasn't for work, just an unavoidable family situation - nobody's fault or shortcoming. Nobody cried all day.

madcatladyforever · 24/09/2020 13:27

YABVU his other child needs him just as much at Christmas and I can't see the problem with alternate Christmases.
I was part of a blended family to and always treated as second best to the younger children who always came first. It was 50 years ago but I have never forgotten how neglected and miserable I felt always being left out.
Its the child who will suffer in the end and that child doesn't deserve it.
You married your husband knowing he had another child and they all need to be treated the same even if the mother is a bitch.

Oly4 · 24/09/2020 13:31

Of course yabu. His other child also has a right to see their dad on Christmas Day. Your children are not more important than that child.
You might think they’d just be fine with their mother - why are your children not fine with their mother?

lyralalala · 24/09/2020 13:33

Does your husband take your children (or even your eldest) to see their sister sometimes or is there no relationship between them at all?

Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry · 24/09/2020 13:40

YANBU, your step child should obviously join you all as a family for Christmas if it is the year she spends with his/her dad. Clearly you DH shouldn't need to not see your shared children in order to see his other child. It would be nice for siblings to spend time together too. His ex is being very unreasonable in insisting contact time with dad must always be alone. Not sure why so many people disagreed... have I missed something or have the others not understood?

lyralalala · 24/09/2020 13:45

@Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry

The OP quite clearly doesn't want the step-child to spend Christmas with them. She's stated that it's too risky to her children to even attempt to fix her relationship with her step-child.

She doesn't want her DH to sort it so that they can all spend Christmas together. She wants him to choose her, more important, children over his daughter.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/09/2020 13:47

@Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry

You have massively misread.

WorrierorWarrior · 24/09/2020 13:56

What is the reason that "it is too risky to have the step child in the same house as OPs children. If the step child is much older and taking drugs or being violent to the young children I would agree that the step child can not be in OP's home. If the situation is that the step mum (OP) just does not like the child or does not like the child because of the child's mum or the past relationship with the Dad then OP needs to grow up. Dad would also need to step up and ensure that the oldest DC behaves in an acceptable manner.
What is the problem here? OP seems to have vanished

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/09/2020 14:00

I don't think Op will be back, She wasn't expecting the replies she has recieved.

redstararnie76 · 24/09/2020 14:00

I don't think OP is coming back....

emilyfrost · 24/09/2020 14:04

YABU. Regardless of how hard it is you signed up for a blended family, so you’re just going to have to get on with it and build a relationship with your stepchild.

Venicelover · 24/09/2020 14:14

YABU, you had a second family with this chap and therefore, he has to be able to parent that first child as well as yours.

Devlesko · 24/09/2020 14:20

YABU he had a child first, which comes before yours. It's his turn to have his child.
You need to sort it out as your dc have half siblings, this isn't about you and what you want.

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