To have a baby with my platonic friend?

[themoodypurples]

Will refer to friend as N. I met N at university when we were 18. There was a group of us, all very tightknit and close. I dropped out after 1 year due to a family crisis and mental and N was the only one who kept in touch and cared about me. He was wonderful and we have been incredibly close ever since. N is gay and we are now 28. I have a 4 year old son, I was in a relationship with DS's father from 2 years before he was born until just before I had DS. I discovered he had cheated and dumped him. However he has always been a good, attentive father to DS and I have no complaints about my DS's dad as a coparent. N has also been a great support with DS over the years and I trust him completely with DS. DS adores N.

I haven't bothered looking for a relationship since the debacle of DS's dad. I'm not against a relationship if somebody shows up and it's right and natural, but I'm not actively looking for one. Nothing has occured on that front and I've been happy enough focusing on myself and DS. N has had various relationships over the years, the longest being 2 years. He wants a life partner to settle down with but none of his relationships worked out. He gets quite downtrodden about it, he's financially in a great place, owns a 2 bedroom lovely flat, plenty of disposable income etc and I think he wants somebody to share all of that with now. But relationships just haven't worked out for him.

I'm less well off, I'm on 15k a year. However DS has now started school (hopefully that lasts...Covid permitting!) so I'm no longer having to pay childchare costs as school covers most of it and his dad picks up the rest of the time. I rent a 2 bed HA house. I will be honest and say that I am incredibly broody. Don't care about a new relationship but I'd give anything for another child and to give DS a sibling. He looks so lonely sometimes. I honestly think I could cope providing the baby had a good supportive father.

N is also in a similar position in that he would like to get on with being a parent now regardless of his relationship status. I know he would make a brilliant father. We had quite a long, deep conversation about it a few months ago. I ended up saying to N that I'd be willing to be his surrogate once things with Covid calmed down and he was very keen and we agreed to get the ball rolling once it was possible. My pregnancy with DS was textbook and easy, except for his dad being a twat. However I've had months to mull it over and have come to the conclusion I would find it very upsetting to carry and give up a baby considering I want another one so much myself. I suggested to N a few weeks ago that perhaps we could have a baby and raise him/her together as coparents. He says he likes the idea but needs time to think it over because he wouldn't want it to affect our friendship if we had disagreements etc. He is warming to the idea though.

The reason I am asking is because I have seen the look on the faces of my mother and other friends when I have mentioned it to them. Surely it's not so awful?

Crazy plan. You already have a DC, can’t afford DC2, and risk of problems in your relationship with your friend is high.

I don’t think it’s a great idea in the long term. What about if he eventually does meet a long term partner and they have children? What about a new man coming into your life? What legal protection is there? And emotional protection for your children?

My male friend is gay and has a partner but with has had two children with his partner's best female friend. The oldest is four the youngest six months. It's worked out well but you need to be direct and honest about your coparenting styles and expectations.

hmm no I dont think its ideal truthfully. i would understand it more if you were say, 10 years older, last chance saloon sort of thing. but you have ages to meet someone else and so does he. I'm not sure you are wanting to do it for the right reasons nor the potential complexity of this set up long term

You've been friends for 10 years and you know each other well - plenty of people have children with people they have less close relationships with and it works out fine. Would you live together? Or have a 50/50 arrangement? I'm sure with enough planning and support you could make it work, but you'd have to be very flexible and willing to compromise.

And FWIW I don't see it as any more complex than any other parents that don't live together - there are millions of people co-parenting in much more difficult circumstances.

You're both very young, clearly feeling a bit lonely and I'd be worried that you'll both be looking to meet new people in the next few years and throwing two new men in might make it a much less cozy mix.

I'd focus on increasing your earnings and come back to it if you're still alone in 5 or 10 years...

Well I’ll go against the grain and say it’s a good idea if it’s what you both want. You know him well and trust him so you get to both be active parents, win win for the baby. Just make sure you go through absolutely everything parenting wise to ensure you’re able to co parent effectively. Disagreements are natural but you need to be sure you want the same things and raise the baby in the same way. Any doubts then don’t go ahead as it also affects your existing child aswell as each other and the baby. Good luck.

I know someone who did this, she and her wife chose a gay friend to be their sperm donor and they also all chose for him to be an active parent.

I think it can work, and tbh it's got as much chance as many / most hetero marriages hasn't it? At least all the conversations about parenting styles and how to make co-parentint work out happen upfront, while you're all friendly. Much better than happening during a messy divorce.

I don't see a problem with it myself, two living parents in separate households are better than two miserable parents in the same house. If you fall out down the line then no different from any other partnership breakdown.

Good luck if you choose this path

I don't think it's a good idea and could ruin a good friendship

As @casschops said make sure you are on the same pages parenting wise and talk about long term plans e.g could either of you need to move away in the future? If it will work for you both go for it!

I would say it’s not a good idea for a number of reasons, you are both very young, you would both like to meet people it’s just not happened yet. If you have 50/50 custody there will be no or little maintenance, if you have the majority of care your work and earnings potential will be lessened and he will be under no obligation to contribute to childcare costs. He may be in a great financial place with plenty of disposable income but that doesn’t mean you will be in a better financial place, he will be under no obligation to share that with you which could cause problems if he can afford lots of great things for your shared child that you cannot afford for your other child. You are both likely to find another partner in the future and while that can happen if any couple breaks up you are starting with that probability, how will you/your friend feel about your child having another person you may not like in their life?

Aside from anything else, it doesn’t sound like you can remotely afford another baby. Answer honestly, can you do it without claiming any benefits or having any detrimental effect on what you can provide for your existing child? Personally I think it’s a terrible idea and you should focus on your child you already have but at least you’ve decided against the surrogacy suggestion which would have been a much worse idea for a million and one reasons.

Of course, we would discuss in detail beforehand the things that will potentially come up. For example, I've already said to N that I wasn't comfortable with my first child having overnights with his father until a year old and so I would likely be the same with this one. I explained that it's not a matter of not trusting him, it's just how it is when baby is so young. N said that he understands that and would accept it but states he'd want to visit baby every day. That would be fine. We'd still live separately.

Me and N potentially getting new partners is an understandable concern. I'd want to vet any new partner of N that is going to be around my child and I'm sure he'd feel the same about any new partner of mine.

I think I’d it’s what you both want and you’re committed to being loving parents, why not? Families come in all shapes and sizes. I don’t see why your arrangement has any less chance of working out than anybody else’s

I don't think it's the worst idea in the world - you could have a short term relationship and have another dc that would be a lot worse off - but I think you're both young and the chances of having another relationship seem high, and this could easily make that much harder for you both.

I didn't even need to read the post, YABU.

You couldn’t ‘vet’ anyone! Totally unrealistic.

I think it's a lovely idea. Families come in all shapes and sizes and nothing is ever as we planned it would be when we were young. If you can make it work I'd go for it.

Stop kidding yourself you're doing it for lonely DS and gay friend who can't hold a relationship. It's pure self indulgence, and right from the off, you;re setting the conditions YOU want. No live in partner, just a another man to do half the childcare.

If you want a part time pet, get a dog and share that.

Terrible idea and even considering it shows a gross lack of maturity. Your focus should be on your son and becoming financially stable. Stop using feeling "broody" as an excuse to do something really daft and selfish.

What about the child in all this? It's just'me me me' . Is this the best situation for a child to be born in? No financial or emotional stability

Moral issues aside, if you were planning to move in with a partner and have a child without getting married, you would get a piece of advice that I think is also relevant here.

If you’re not married then make sure that is equal financially. This includes him giving you money if you take maternity leave, or if you work less hours in the next decade (bearing in mind that your current dc is quite a bit older). He should pay half of the lost money. Otherwise you’re taking a much bigger hit financially than he is. You’re basically giving him a cut-price fatherhood.

I think it sounds good and workable. Two committed parents is a lot more than most! Good Luck if you go for it!

I think on a purely surface level it sounds lovely.

But in reality it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Not least because you only earn £15k a year and are essentially doing this because you’re broody. It’s selfishness on your part, whether you admit it or not. Use your head not your heart to make all the decisions. Maybe revisit in two years after you’ve made some differences in your life.