To have a baby with my platonic friend?

[themoodypurples]

Will refer to friend as N. I met N at university when we were 18. There was a group of us, all very tightknit and close. I dropped out after 1 year due to a family crisis and mental and N was the only one who kept in touch and cared about me. He was wonderful and we have been incredibly close ever since. N is gay and we are now 28. I have a 4 year old son, I was in a relationship with DS's father from 2 years before he was born until just before I had DS. I discovered he had cheated and dumped him. However he has always been a good, attentive father to DS and I have no complaints about my DS's dad as a coparent. N has also been a great support with DS over the years and I trust him completely with DS. DS adores N.

I haven't bothered looking for a relationship since the debacle of DS's dad. I'm not against a relationship if somebody shows up and it's right and natural, but I'm not actively looking for one. Nothing has occured on that front and I've been happy enough focusing on myself and DS. N has had various relationships over the years, the longest being 2 years. He wants a life partner to settle down with but none of his relationships worked out. He gets quite downtrodden about it, he's financially in a great place, owns a 2 bedroom lovely flat, plenty of disposable income etc and I think he wants somebody to share all of that with now. But relationships just haven't worked out for him.

I'm less well off, I'm on 15k a year. However DS has now started school (hopefully that lasts...Covid permitting!) so I'm no longer having to pay childchare costs as school covers most of it and his dad picks up the rest of the time. I rent a 2 bed HA house. I will be honest and say that I am incredibly broody. Don't care about a new relationship but I'd give anything for another child and to give DS a sibling. He looks so lonely sometimes. I honestly think I could cope providing the baby had a good supportive father.

N is also in a similar position in that he would like to get on with being a parent now regardless of his relationship status. I know he would make a brilliant father. We had quite a long, deep conversation about it a few months ago. I ended up saying to N that I'd be willing to be his surrogate once things with Covid calmed down and he was very keen and we agreed to get the ball rolling once it was possible. My pregnancy with DS was textbook and easy, except for his dad being a twat. However I've had months to mull it over and have come to the conclusion I would find it very upsetting to carry and give up a baby considering I want another one so much myself. I suggested to N a few weeks ago that perhaps we could have a baby and raise him/her together as coparents. He says he likes the idea but needs time to think it over because he wouldn't want it to affect our friendship if we had disagreements etc. He is warming to the idea though.

The reason I am asking is because I have seen the look on the faces of my mother and other friends when I have mentioned it to them. Surely it's not so awful?

What an awful idea. Two kids by two blokes,not in a relationship with either of them. you haven't got a vast amount of money and you are living in a housing association property so having your rent subsidised.

Which bit of this is in the child's interest and can you afford it all without any state support?

The more I think about it, the more I can't actually can't believe you are even thinking of it.

You should only ever plan to bring a child into a stable long term living relationship where you can see yourselves being together forever. Far too many people have children to easily in short term relationships that fail and the poor mites are past about like a plate of biscuits.

You are literally planning a life for your children where they get sent of to their respective father's each weekend.

I dont think it sounds like a good plan.
I dont think you're in a good financial position, you have a 2 bed so you've either got to move or your 5 year old will share with a 1yo.
You already seem to have taken lead parent and decided he cant have overnights and you will vet his partners. To say this has gone from you being a surrogate and now he has to run any boyfriends past you and cant have his child for at least a year. Before you've even started. I think it could end up destroying your friendship.

I know someone who has done this, a friend, his partner and a cloose female friend had two children this way.

They’re now older primary age, when the first baby was born they all lived together for the first year, they then returned to their own homes and had 50/50 care, when the second baby came along they didn’t move in together as they thought it would be confusing for their toddler.

It was something they had planned for a decade. As their children have three parent costs are split three ways, they often holiday together, they have an agreement to live a certain distance from each other so school drop offs are possible for all parents etc. The non-biological parent has PR.

It has worked for them, but it was a very very long time in the planning, they went to counselling together, as a partnered couple and on their own. They have a bank account exclusively for any child based costs. They all have to come to an agreement on parenting decisions etc and it isn’t always easy for them.

They’re equal parents, you refer to this future baby as “my child” and you’re already reducing the dads place/value in the future babies life. This alone shows you do not want to co-parent. Thats before we look at your financial position etc. £15k is a huge wage, if the baby was a girl could you afford to rent a three bed property in the same area? Could you afford 50% of childcare costs etc?

@WiserOlder I did not find either of your posts judgemental - they raised sensible points worth thinking about.

I was not referring to your posts, but there are a lot of plain horrid, judgemental statements about the OP here which I don't think are justified and even if they were, probably wouldn't be useful.

Hi themoodypurples!

I'm hoping to speak with people who have considered platonic parenting. It would be amazing if we could have a chat about this!

It would be great if you could message me privately!

I really look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks so much,
Sophie

Terrible idea. It’s about the adult wants not the child. Finances are a huge part in the decision to have a child and that salary not going to cover the cost of three people and there will be even less for the existing child.