To have a baby with my platonic friend?

[themoodypurples]

Will refer to friend as N. I met N at university when we were 18. There was a group of us, all very tightknit and close. I dropped out after 1 year due to a family crisis and mental and N was the only one who kept in touch and cared about me. He was wonderful and we have been incredibly close ever since. N is gay and we are now 28. I have a 4 year old son, I was in a relationship with DS's father from 2 years before he was born until just before I had DS. I discovered he had cheated and dumped him. However he has always been a good, attentive father to DS and I have no complaints about my DS's dad as a coparent. N has also been a great support with DS over the years and I trust him completely with DS. DS adores N.

I haven't bothered looking for a relationship since the debacle of DS's dad. I'm not against a relationship if somebody shows up and it's right and natural, but I'm not actively looking for one. Nothing has occured on that front and I've been happy enough focusing on myself and DS. N has had various relationships over the years, the longest being 2 years. He wants a life partner to settle down with but none of his relationships worked out. He gets quite downtrodden about it, he's financially in a great place, owns a 2 bedroom lovely flat, plenty of disposable income etc and I think he wants somebody to share all of that with now. But relationships just haven't worked out for him.

I'm less well off, I'm on 15k a year. However DS has now started school (hopefully that lasts...Covid permitting!) so I'm no longer having to pay childchare costs as school covers most of it and his dad picks up the rest of the time. I rent a 2 bed HA house. I will be honest and say that I am incredibly broody. Don't care about a new relationship but I'd give anything for another child and to give DS a sibling. He looks so lonely sometimes. I honestly think I could cope providing the baby had a good supportive father.

N is also in a similar position in that he would like to get on with being a parent now regardless of his relationship status. I know he would make a brilliant father. We had quite a long, deep conversation about it a few months ago. I ended up saying to N that I'd be willing to be his surrogate once things with Covid calmed down and he was very keen and we agreed to get the ball rolling once it was possible. My pregnancy with DS was textbook and easy, except for his dad being a twat. However I've had months to mull it over and have come to the conclusion I would find it very upsetting to carry and give up a baby considering I want another one so much myself. I suggested to N a few weeks ago that perhaps we could have a baby and raise him/her together as coparents. He says he likes the idea but needs time to think it over because he wouldn't want it to affect our friendship if we had disagreements etc. He is warming to the idea though.

The reason I am asking is because I have seen the look on the faces of my mother and other friends when I have mentioned it to them. Surely it's not so awful?

A friend did just this, because he and a friend both wanted a child but weren’t in relationships.

He started a new relationship while the woman was pregnant, and considered her the love of his life. However, when his girlfriend found out about the situation, she (understandably)wasn’t able to handle it, and ended it, leaving him heartbroken. I know he now regrets giving up on becoming a father with someone he was in a relationship with.

Don’t give up too soon on finding someone who will love you and will want that love to result in shared children. Especially given you’re not in a good position to have a child now.

I don’t think this sounds like a very good idea. You initially offered to be a surrogate for him and he was ‘very keen.’ When you said you actually wanted to co-parent he said he would need to think about it. It seems like he would prefer the first option.

Also you say he earns well, but will all costs be evenly split? How will you ‘vet’ any future partners? There’s also the possibility that if he has a partner in the future that they might look at bringing children into their family, meaning your child with him would get less time, money and attention. You said you would be able to cope as long as you had a supportive father - could you cope if he didn’t live up to this?

Sorry but I think it’s a bad idea. It’s seems quite selfish to me, how would the child feel in all this? Of course couples split up and people make the best of it, but I don’t think it’s a great starting point. You being broody doesn’t seem reason enough to me, especially when you’re not financially secure.

I don't think there's anything wrong in principal with having a baby with a platonic friend, but can you actually afford it? If the baby is a girl and your son doesn't want to share a room with a girl in 5-6 years time, will you be able to move somewhere with a third bedroom? Are you going to be able to pay for childcare for two children- yes your son's care will be cheaper now he's in school, but you'll still need some after school/in holidays?

I think a pp has an excellent point you really need to consider. The potential economic disparity between wealthy N and DS dad. They have different dads so undoubtedly will be spending time apart each with their own dad. Is N going to include both in all his plans all the time? How will he feel about DS when he has 'his own' child?

Terrible idea. Sorry but pretty selfish on your part.

OP.

It is a terrible idea.

Do not do this.

You’re both still really young! You both can meet someone....

It might be ok but not now. You can’t afford another child.

I’d focus on working hard and perhaps getting qualifications over the next few years so that you’re in a better position to support your existing child and then consider another.

If this is a good plan it will still be a good plan in a few years when you are more financially secure.

@themoodypurples

Of course, we would discuss in detail beforehand the things that will potentially come up. For example, I've already said to N that I wasn't comfortable with my first child having overnights with his father until a year old and so I would likely be the same with this one. I explained that it's not a matter of not trusting him, it's just how it is when baby is so young. N said that he understands that and would accept it but states he'd want to visit baby every day. That would be fine. We'd still live separately.

Me and N potentially getting new partners is an understandable concern. I'd want to vet any new partner of N that is going to be around my child and I'm sure he'd feel the same about any new partner of mine.

It's not going to work

If you feel the need to "vet" each others partners then it's a terrible idea

What's going to happen if you don't like his partner? Or him yours?

Tbh OP with the "no overnights for a year" and "I'd want to vet any partner" you sound a bit like you are setting N up to effectively be a sperm donor for you and have a friendly uncle style relationship with the child, like he does with your son

That is not what he wants, he wants to be a father. You both need to find someone else.

@Dozer

You couldn’t ‘vet’ anyone! Totally unrealistic.

^ This makes you sound very naive OP.

I think it is a good idea. You get on really well and both sound like you could co-parent together. I would suggest drawing up some kind of agreement beforehand covering everything like who has the baby when and finances, etc. All important decisions need to be discussed and agreed.
I don’t see how it could be any different to meeting someone, having a relationship and getting pregnant but not really knowing if they are a keeper and have shared values until the baby arrives. You have cut a lot of this out with your friend as you know each other so well. Plus you haven’t got the complications of a romantic relationship to deal with and all that brings with it.

I think it’s a great idea as long as you think it wouldn’t be detrimental to the child you have already, but this is something that all mothers have to consider when having another child if with this child’s father, a new relationship, sperm donation or an arrangement like this. I would just recommend that you get an official document sorted first and there are ones that specialise in gay co-parenting agreements. This would cover access and finanaces.

For what it’s worth I have friends both single women and single gay men considering this at the moment. They all just want to have a family without the relationship for whatever reason, and prefer this to going down the adoption, surrogacy or sperm donation routes for whatever reason but mostly to have a co-parent. The only difference is that none have any children already.

I think you'd be better with a big standard sperm donor, if you're determined to have another baby while single, this whole set up sounds like it could get complicated/messy.

*bog

I think this is a bad idea, mostly because you’re both so young. What if he gets offered an amazing job abroad in two years time? What if you meet someone else you want to have kids with? The logistics alone of thee or more kids with three different dads would be a nightmare, even if nothing changes for the worse between you and your friend. This sounds like a daydream and escapism. I think you should focus on creating a good life for you and the child you already have, and don’t rush into anything else. You could always do it in 8 or 10 years time, and by that point if you haven’t met anyone else, you’re still equally good friends and you’re in a better position financially then it would make more sense.

I am just going to add my voice to those saying this is a truly terrible idea. You can't afford another child even if you want one, and there are so many things that could go wrong here anyway. Just focus on parenting your existing child.

Terrible idea. Most likely will end in tears.
You are both still very young
You have ample years ahead of you, and opportunities to meet someone in future
You are robbing your future child of the opportunity to have loving parents who live together and co-parent.
You really can't afford another child. Why not work a few more years, save some money, have more stability, consider buying a property?

Jesus Christ op, I feel sorry for animals being put in this situation! I’ve known people who have split the responsibility of a dog and it gets pushed and pulled between ‘parents’ and houses according to who does and doesn’t want it at the time. I feel so sorry for the lack of routine, consistency and stability. Don’t even get me started on the rules.
And you want to create a child with your gay mate to fulfil whatever fucked up gaps you both feel you have in your life? It gets shared between people and houses according to your whims? Grow up and get a grip!

Your wanting a baby for purely selfish reasons, you are not financially stable and have not thought of the impact this would have on your son.

I echo what Scweltish said and despair at the posters who seem to think this is a great idea.

What has the world came to that a baby can be thought of like a commodity. Where is the nurturing feeling in many of these posts

I actually feel like reporting this

The pair of you sound immature and selfish as anything.

It’s a child. A human being. Not a flipping handbag or some other little impulse buy that cheers your up when you feel a bit down.

The pair of you don’t actually care about the new life you’d be creating it’s all about you you you.

Work on your issues - your broodiness and his loneliness or whatever the hell it is that makes you see a baby as some sort of magical solution to all your problems.

This is so messed up it’s unreal.

Bad plan. Also, I really don't see what this would do to benefit your DS - there will be a gap of at least five years, so really for a good few years they won't have much in common and he will have to adapt to you passing another child between you, who may be parented differently to him, if your friend gets a say in his sibling's care but not his own. Your friend also has money to treat his own son but may not want to do the same for your DS. It would be a very selfish thing to do to your DS, tbh.

“Tbh OP with the "no overnights for a year" and "I'd want to vet any partner" you sound a bit like you are setting N up to effectively be a sperm donor for you and have a friendly uncle style relationship with the child, like he does with your son.

That is not what he wants, he wants to be a father. You both need to find someone else.”

^^ this
It’s a terrible idea! on so many levels.

To be honest I would never plan to have a child that was going to be between two homes/parents that aren't together. I know that this often ends up happening unexpectedly and things work themselves out, but it's not something I would ever choose.