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Original poster

To think if you're married there's no risk to be a SAHM?

173 replies

southparkroses · 22/09/2020 16:12

I keep reading on here that it's risky for the woman to give up work to look after children, but if you're married, isn't that protection enough?

OP posts:
Dyrne · 23/09/2020 17:48

Wel, we got to page 5 before the petty WOHP vs SAHP digs started, that’s not too bad really.

This thread is about risks. If you want to recognise the risks, mitigate them the best you can (by life insurance, own savings/account etc) then go on to be a SAHM then great, all the best for you. But it’s ridiculous to skip merrily into being a SAHM because you have such a strong relationship and love conquers all; without at least giving a thought to what you’d do if your DH got sick/stressed/divorced.

And can we all just agree here and now: SAHMs aren’t all dull women only interested in housework and nappies; and WOHMs aren’t all neglectful harridans more interested in getting manicures and spa treatments than spending time with their own children?

ulanbatorismynextstop · 23/09/2020 17:50

No because you need a career after the split and it may mean starting at low level which will be hard to climb the ladder from.

bluebluezoo · 23/09/2020 17:50

Also once divorced you’ve no pension.

All sahm should also be paying into a private pension for themselves.

YouJustDoYou · 23/09/2020 17:50

You only have to read the relationship board to see exactly why your assumption is utterly incorrect and sadly naive

aristo · 23/09/2020 17:51

@crosstalk

No response from OP?
I'm here
ivykaty44 · 23/09/2020 17:52

if your spouse drops dead then what? life insurance might cover you for a while, if you have it

LionLily · 23/09/2020 17:58

I was a SAHM for nearly 20 yrs. I already had nearly 20 yrs of civil service pension built up, but our version of SAHM also involved a £600 a month personal allowance, £100k life insurance and payments into a savings account in my
name only, to do with as I wished (I decided on a private pension plan). I also had a car provided, he covered my insurance, and all property was in joint names.
Oh, and his business account was a joint one with me, either signature could withdraw so I could have rinsed him, but I didn't.
It's nearly 2 years since I got myself a job (a job, too old for a career now) and took back all my own financial responsibility. I can't tell you how great that felt!
Look after yourself financially.

namechangetheworld · 23/09/2020 18:09

It's only a risk in the world of Mumsnet, where pre children everybody has a career and are busy climbing the corporate ladder.

Meanwhile, in the real world, lots of people are in bog standard jobs and have no desire to "climb the ladder." It's very easy to drop such a job and walk straight into a new one once the children are back at school. I'll be heading back to work once the children are both in school, and I'll be 38. I'm not remotely concerned about finding a job. I may stick to something low wage and part time to work around school hours, I may start training for something completely different.

Fightthebear · 23/09/2020 18:12

I’ve got a career AND I live in the real world Wink

Lexilooo · 23/09/2020 18:20

What about if your husband were to die or be seriously injured/ill and unable to work? You suddenly need an income but your skills have lapsed and your CV has a big gap on it.

Married or not you would have been much better off if you had kept working.

G5000 · 23/09/2020 18:24

So if you feel safe because you can walk back into a low paid little part time job or maybe you will not need to work at all, you must be independently wealthy and of course this topic doesn't apply to you. Most people can't pay their mortgage and living expenses from that salary, can they.

unmarkedbythat · 23/09/2020 18:26

It's only a risk in the world of Mumsnet

God, I think it's even more of a risk outside the stereotypical MN world you have in mind, which is the only place I have ever come across the concept of the spouses of SAHPs paying into a pension for them. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing at all, I just never in my life heard of it before I came here!

namechangetheworld · 23/09/2020 18:34

So if you feel safe because you can walk back into a low paid little part time job or maybe you will not need to work at all, you must be independently wealthy and of course this topic doesn't apply to you.

Eh? I imagine most SAHMs have a fairly confortable home life, otherwise they wouldn't be able to stay at home?

We're not wealthy in the slightest, by the way. DH's wage covers the (small) mortgage, bills and shopping but not much else. We don't have holidays, days out mostly consist of picnics at the park and walks in the woods, and we have rather meagre savings. But the sacrifice is worth it, in my eyes.

G5000 · 23/09/2020 18:47

But the sacrifice is worth it, in my eyes.

That's not what this thread is about. It's not about how great it is to be a SAHM - it's about risks when your DH might one day be unwilling or unable to pay for your family expenses.
Even in a job, as opposed to career, most people advance and get promotions and pay rises. Most people tend to earn more the longer they have worked. If as a 40 year old with a 20 year gap in employment you can walk back into the same little part time job you did then - will this be enough when you have a family to feed? Would you be in a better position if you had not left the job?

Screwcorona · 23/09/2020 18:48

I disagree with the negative responses to me saying I'm happy with the 'risk' as want the time with my child. I'm not at home all day, we go out doing things and enjoy the woods and beach mostly. I've been able to pick up new things quickly all my life so will do the same when I plan to return to the workplace. I dont plan to stay at home for the full 18years as yes I would get bored of it unless husband suddenly earns heaps and I can entertain myself on millions 😅

YouJustDoYou · 23/09/2020 19:04

It's not about how great it is to be a SAHM - it's about risks when your DH might one day be unwilling or unable to pay for your family expenses

This.

TempestHayes · 23/09/2020 19:19

There's every risk. You might think the moment the ink is dry on the divorce papers money magically springs from his account to yours and he "gives you half", but he can quite merrily refuse to settle at all. Can you afford expensive lawyers and hours of court time?

High risk of financial hardship and poverty, high risk of ending up in unsuitable housing.

And good luck finding a job with the gap on your CV, unless you retrain in something in high demand.

stripeyd · 23/09/2020 19:23

Jesus. Bleak reading.

Despite all of that, I don't want my child in nursery for 50 hours a week. No thank you.

YouJustDoYou · 23/09/2020 19:25

Just don't be a sahp forever. Being utterly beholden to another human being is not a stable option for the vulnerable partner in the relationship.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/09/2020 19:26

namechangetheworld

"It's only a risk in the world of Mumsnet, where pre children everybody has a career and are busy climbing the corporate ladder.

"Meanwhile, in the real world, lots of people are in bog standard jobs and have no desire to "climb the ladder." It's very easy to drop such a job and walk straight into a new one once the children are back at school."

It's not about "climbing the corporate ladder", its about making sure you are adequately provided for and can cover yours and your children's outgoings.

If you're absolutely certain without a shadow of a doubt your husband or partner will earn enough to cover this for life, you won't have any financial worries and you will never split, leaving you free to glorify in working in minimum wage jobs, then you've hit the jackpot. And I would suggest its you that's not living in the "real world". Most of us have to think about things like mortgages/rent/food/transport etc.

BoundlessRoots · 23/09/2020 19:32

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Eugenieonegin · 23/09/2020 19:38

@BoundlessRoots

Nobody in my entire extended family has ever got divorced. It was really never a consideration. All of you expecting to get divorced should never have got married. What's the point if even when you are happy you are making back up plans. What a very sad way to live. I suppose what is more likely is that you are all bitter divorcees who married to late chasing your 'careers' and your husbands left you for proper women who know family comes first xx
How untrue. Does your family history protect you from a partner’s ill health? Redundancy? The sheer drudgery of being the sole bread winner?
gradetoolisted · 23/09/2020 19:41

@BoundlessRoots yes sure- every mother here got married and had a child fully expecting to get divorced or widowed. We’re the bitter ones...

OpEd · 23/09/2020 19:45

I'm a SAHM but the risk has been mitigated by:
-paying for training/qualifications
-life insurance
-I've been given a % of his company
-I've been given money for my savings
-I'm being given rental properties for income

I wouldn't have done it if I didn't trust him and everything in life is a risk but I've got my insurance in place as much as possible.

But... having a full time job would be significantly easier 🙈

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/09/2020 19:48

Ironically, the few people I know who’ve lost their spouse young, or their spouse became unable to work, have done OK financially. Life insurance, mortgage insurance or disability insurance has paid out ( disability insurance exists in the US, not sure about the UK). That’s why DH and I are both insured up to the hilt.😂

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