To think if you're married there's no risk to be a SAHM?

[southparkroses]

I keep reading on here that it's risky for the woman to give up work to look after children, but if you're married, isn't that protection enough?

Echoing what previous posters have said for me the main risks even with the ‘security’ of marriage:
-reduces earning potential and difficulty getting back into the job market with a gap in your CV if anything happens. I personally would have to redo qualifications and go back in at the bottom if I had anything more than 2-3 years out meaning half the previous salary and loss of some other benefits.
-lots of people become SAHPs and don’t pay into a pension and/or keep NI stamp contributions up so could leave you in a difficult position in later life
-possible financial abuse/lack of independence
-DH could lose job/become ill/leave/decide to retrain in a different field with lower salary etc

Marriage offers more protection in terms of a divorce settlement I guess but it’s not the safety net some people think it is! Ca

As the others have said, you’re hugely naive if you don’t think it’s a huge risk (and don’t forget the impact on your pension!).

No, you're very vulnerable financially if you separate unless you can fall back into a high paying career.

@Venicelover

What a depressing thread!

Why?

I'm in my 40s, have always worked. I have a lot of SAHM friends. Some now divorced, some want to work even though still married as kids now grown up and they're bored. Even pre covid they are struggling to find jobs. Employers don't want people who haven't worked for 10-15 years.

So if you get divorced you may get half of any assets, and child support for kids. But you'll be expected to get a job, your ex won't have to support you. And you may find a minimal wage job or you may be stuck on universal credit.

@Newgirls

Your earning potential may fall while off work. That’s a key risk.

And not just ''fall off'' but the ability to actually get a job just diminishes.

I had about 15 years experience in financial organisations (insurance, reinsurance) in admin roles. I expected to be able to get back in to that kind of role even if it was at a very low salary but for reasons I don't fully understand that was impossible. I even hired a career coach. I told her that I was thinking about taking a job in Dealz or a cafe nearby and she reprimanded me and reminded me of my soft skills. But although she may have believed in me, whoever was making the decision to hire did not. All they saw was ''mum for the last fifteen years'' and ''pushing fifty''. To make matters worse, my first name is associated with people older than I am iyswim.

Saying all of that, I got back in to the workplace eventually and I'm happy with my employer and I have a pension but I will have to work until I'm 67. There will be no putting my feet up!

My x whose career went from strength to strength has various stocks, shares, a house worth a million pounds. But even if I'd married him he would have made sure he screwed me so not having married that jackass is not something I regret!

A man who values you as a rounded individual won't expect you to become one dimensional and just serve the family

It’s not just if you split up that you are vulnerable. The are always advantages to having your own money and not being dependent on your partner (who may gamble it away, or be financially abusive). You don’t always know in the earlier days of a relationship that they’ll turn out that way.

Venice Depressing yes, but sensible.

Of course it is a risk, you could wreck your career and then get divorced. Your Ex will then have to support his children, but not you. Unless he is mega mega wealthy and can't hide his assets its a massive risk.

My best friend from uni is currently in the middle of this situation so there is definitely a massive massive risk. It's awful to see but there is nothing to be done about it now

I was a sahm, I have a dd with asd so worked pt. my h left me 20 years later, I don't have a career. I'm fortunate that I get spousal maintenance (kids are adults so no cm) and he's a generous man, others are not. There is a risk, married or not. I wouldn't do it again

Yes, I would say there is still risk if you don't go out to work - unless you have other ways of providing for yourself if divorced.

Often as well, the minimum wage jobs are the least flexible of all.
Like when I got back in to the workplace finally my youngest was 11, so I could leave him alone for a couple of hours a day until I got home. He was only actually on his own for about an hour before dc1 got home, but it wasn't easy. People who'd stayed in the workplace all along without a gap had more flexibility than I had. they could leave early on wednesday, work from home on monday, work on saturday to allow themselves to collect the DC from school once a week on a Friday. That kind of thing. So these women who'd cannily kept their finger in had moved up high enough to be trusted to make up their own hours etc. I was just in a clock in clock out core hours type of role.

Sure you’ll get your 50% of the house or whatever if you divorce but as pp have said I think the real risk is that you won’t be able to find a job if you need to later down the line, because you will have been out of the workforce and not up to date on skills etc. Plus the knock on effect on your pension. If you need to start working aged 50 you’re pretty much screwed.

Every normally constituted adult should be able to support themselves fully (and potentially their children) at any time, whether they choose to or not.

Life throws curveballs. It's excessively naive that you are financially safe for life simply by being married!

Both my mum and sister would disagree with you OP.

My parents divorced after 36 years married having been together since school. My mum was a SAHM for about 15 years off and on, but worked PT and didn’t take a pension as she would use my Dad’s gold plated one.

Well, she got a pay off, but is significantly poorer than my Dad.

Meanwhile my sister is battling her H over maintenance and he is being an asshole. She survives on benefits while he earns around £80k.

A wise person once said, be financially independent, even if you never need to be.

It’s a massive risk. I did it for 11 years (and loved that time), then found it difficult to go back to work (difficult to find a job, then difficult to get my family to understand that my employer had just as much right to my time as my husband’s did to his).
My salary was low compared to pre-children (though same job, sector and region), my pension has taken a massive hit. If we split up I would face a very difficult but not unmanageable old age, however if DH was made redundant and I had to cover all household costs long term THAT would be most problematic. It’s far from risk-free.

Spousal support is incredibly hard to get in a divorce.

I know someone who gave up work to look after the kids... and was then diagnosed with cancer. She's fine now, but if she'd have stayed working she could have relied on her work's long-term sickness policy (no idea whether you need to be in work to get SSP). Yes, she probably had catastrophic illness as part of her life insurance policy but it was one less safety net.

Even though she and her husband were and are still very much together.

You have to think about the potential impact of things like that, not just what happens if you get divorced.

@PattyPan

Sure you’ll get your 50% of the house or whatever if you divorce but as pp have said I think the real risk is that you won’t be able to find a job if you need to later down the line, because you will have been out of the workforce and not up to date on skills etc. Plus the knock on effect on your pension. If you need to start working aged 50 you’re pretty much screwed.

One of the main benefits of being married over cohabiting as a SAHP is that you can get quite a lot more than 50%. But obviously that doesn't automatically mean marriage is enough protection by itself.

It's not always the. add that you will struggle to get back into employment though there's always exceptions! I left teaching for 6 years and walked straight back into it...and it was part time which I wanted. I then completely changed career path and got a paid internship (with a degree included) in an unrelated industry. I think it depends on the type of person you are and the opportunities that are around you to be honest.

Not always the case...

Very naive.

You’re assuming the marriage lasts, AND the partner retains their earning capabilities.

A thousand different things could go wrong, and you have no fallback. Your partner could die, or have health issues, or leave you, or decide to switch paths, or do something bad at work and be struck off. You could end up with unexpected expenses or a major change of life condition, and you won’t be able to dip back in to work as you did before.

It leaves you financially a lot more vulnerable, both as a couple and as an individual. It reduces your resilience if anything happens.

Sorry OP but that's a ridiculously naive view. I was married, gave up my career coz he'd 'take care of us'. He walked out and left me with 3dcs under 2. Gave up work to avoid paying towards mortgage, csa etc. Our house was repossessed, we ended up in council property and £20,000 debt. 12 years on. He's living it up in OW house, which he's paid to extend, fiddling his tax returns etc. Gives me £30 a week. I'm using food banks, kids are wearing 3rd hand uniform, and he's on 3 holidays a year, multiple nights out, and her kids wear designer clothes.

The thing is, if you split and your husband is a cunt, you’re going to be fucked either way. You could have a 8-6 Mon-Fri job and if he buggers off into the sunset and only sees the kids for a McDonalds every other Saturday, then you may might be able to afford childcare. Your career could still take a hit, you still might have to move to a cheaper area, etc.

I just don’t think you can live your married life all the time hedging as if he’s going to leave you and fuck you over. You can’t make every career decision that will impact your whole family based on the fear that the shit might hit the fan one day.

If SAHM is what works for your family at the time and your husband’s on board, then I think it’s a reasonable step to take within a marriage.

Of course that's still a big risk. I'm a solicitor and also have a lot of divorced friends. I've seen it happen a lot and it always seems to be the woman who's left struggling. It's not just separation that puts you at risk. Your husband could die , or become disabled, or too ill to work...

I would go further and say don't go part time either because it cripples your pension and career progression (ever heard if the mummy track?) Plenty on here will disagree with me though and call me a bitter jealous working mum. I'm actually happily married and love my job btw.