to just let my13 yr old be late for school

[Rae36]

13 yr old ds is late for everything. He is so disorganised, is completely incapable of managing his own time. I spend most of my morning yelling at him to get ready and then he yells at me because he's fed up of constantly being yelled at. I'm fed up of constantly yelling. It's horrible.

I reckon I'm going to make sure he has his alarm set tonight, he has one of those light alarms, and he has his phone. So I will help him set as many alarms as he thinks he needs, make sure he has his bag and his uniform ready then I am going to leave him to it.

Problems with this are that I hate lateness. I really hate it. It is so rude and disrespectful to other people. I will be mega anxious if he is not actually up and ready.

Also the school don't seem to take any action if someone is late. I get a text saying ds was late today but there is no sanction at all in school. No staying in over break or anything, no-one has ever spoken to him about his lateness despite him being 5 or 10 minutes late at least once a week for most of his school life. So there is no incentive to be on time there.

I wonder if maybe him being properly half an hour(or quite possibly more) late might shock him into getting more organised, if he misses the start of an actual class and not just rolling in at the end of registration.

He doesn't have his phone in the morning, but he will be reading a book or playing with lego or reading the cereal packet or something. Sadly he has the ability to entertain himself in an empty room with just his imagination. But I can't pack away every single thing he owns anyway.

I feel like I am facilitating this behaviour by just micro-managing him through his entire morning. Which makes him angry with me and me angry with him. I am so fed up.

Would you just leave him to it, no matter how late he ends up being? Or at 13 is it still my job to get him to school on time at all costs?

Obviously if he's massively late 3 days in a row then my plan is not working and I will try something else. I'm not just going to let him be late every day for the rest of his life.

But AIBU to see what happens if he's not shouted at for the next few days?

At my son's school being late gets them a break time detention, 3 times late gets them an isolation. Some say it's to harsh but it does work. Maybe set out your own punishment for him if school won't.

I am surprised that the school do not have sanctions. This is the main motivator for mine - the threat of detentions!

Absolutely leave him to it. Let him learn how to manage his time and he might develop his own hatred of tardiness. I was chronically late throughout school, college and university but it got so stressful towards the end that I learned how to be on time.
If it is actually a problem, ie he's missing the beginning of a lesson, surely the school will act.

I think its a good idea. Everyone yelling every morning can't be fun for any of you, and at 13 he is quite old enough to know what time he needs to leave, and get himself out of the door at that time.

Watching as you sound like me and although dd is a bit younger she only makes to school on time and with everything she needs due to me micromanaging and stressing.
I think that at 13 and with fair warning (maybe you should let the school know this is the approach you’re taking?) it sounds a good strategy

How is he generally with time or looking after belongings/organising things? You say he can entertain himself in an empty room which suggests getting lost in his own head. Time management is part of executive functioning skills and can be tricky but can be taught so you aren’t micro managing him. Setting alarms on his phone to prompt him, for example twenty minutes until he needs to leave so start getting things ready, would take the focus off you having to do it and help him start to get organised. It is something my two children both need, as part of a bigger picture of individual needs.

Yes absolutely do this. Give him warning and talk about how he can organise himself. I think you need to give it longer than 3 days.

Both of you yelling is a terrible start to the day. You can't let him disrupt the class by letting him be late. Have you taught him self responsibility? My youngest is a dreamer, but his has certain jobs and responsibilities that have helped him to organise himself.

I am surprised that the school do not have sanctions. This is the main motivator for mine - the threat of detentions

I know, it's really disappointing. I have spoken to the school before asking if someone could have a word and they have said that they have a positive approach to discipline and timekeeping. No detention, no losing break time, nothing. Apart from a text message home.

At my child's school if they are late twice in one week they get an 8am detention. My child has ADHD and is very disorganised. I do have to manage through getting ready but the one thing that seems to work is knowing when they have to leave the house to get to school on time. I think your idea is a good one.

Does he have any other signs of executive dysfunction issues? How is he with organising homework, prioritising a task, starting a task, staying on track, finishing, self reviewing? Is he often inattentive throughout the evening and weekends as well? Does he have other memory issues across other spheres of his life? Does he frequently lose possessions? Does he hyperfocus on or get distracted by smaller things sometimes? There are a few flags in your post for inattentive adhd that might be worth exploring further.

But if on balance you're sure it's just the morning issue then yes, help him with alarms and then leave him to it. I have a 14yo whom we've had to take this approach with, it definitely works over time as long as there are not complicating executive dysfunction issues going on.

He sounds awfully like my boy, who is dyspraxic. However, we have worked hard with him to get a morning routine that works:

Clothes laid out the night before, wash and dress before you come downstairs
He'll piss about for a bit, then I make his breakfast
Then he goes up, does his teeth, puts tie on
Pisses about for a bit.
I shout him once to tell him it's time to go.

This has taken years. He still can't quite manage it all on his own, but I'm happy with the level of intervention he has. I guess your approach depends if setting him up to fail would work - I know it wouldn't on mine, it would just mean he was late for school! No real consequences.

Leave him to it. 13 is old enough!

My DCs are older now, but I remember reading something ages ago which said that if you wanted to change a behaviour and what you were doing wasn’t working, do the complete opposite - so your strategy may well work OP.

I'd set him up for success, some people/ch struggle with time perception.

Alarm or two to get up, alarm to eat breakfast, alarm for teeth, ten min notice to leave, 5 min notice and then time to leave.

Sit back with a brew and leave him to it, tell him you're sick of the shouting, you're not getting involved anymore as it causes arguments so he's in charge of getting to school on time.

Do you have an Alexa? Put verbal prompts at regular intervals - 2 minutes to breakfast, put shoes on whatever.

I reckon I'm going to make sure he has his alarm set tonight, he has one of those light alarms, and he has his phone.

I'd try getting him to give you his phone overnight, chance he's scrolling through it at night and not getting enough sleep? Buy a cheap old school alarm instead.

I was often late for school as a teen, walking late into school didn't bother me at all as there were no sanctions, until I got to A levels and one teacher refused to let me in her class when I turned up 10 minutes late, it was a shock! But a good one, I wasn't late for her class again. Kids need sanctions/consequences. Could you put any sanctions in, like no x box or something if you get any late texts?

I was just going to suggest alexa. works a treat in our house.

Tell him you will leave him to get himself to school, but if there is a late message then there will be sanctions at home - and work out what sanctions will hurt him most, e.g. no screen time, early bed or whatever.

Does he have any other signs of executive dysfunction issues?

@CovidPostingName I can answer yes to everything in the first paragraph of your post. I have approached his school several times, both primary and secondary, but they have dismissed my concerns. I have read quite a bit around strategies to help him, I think I should read more again.

I've never head of inattentive adhd in particular but that sounds exactly like what I am dealing with. There is no hyperactive behaviour, there was a lot of stupid impulsive behaviour when he was younger but that seems to have calmed down.

Yes set alarms and help him get ready the night before, but can you also (with prior warning!) be really strict that he is leaving the house at x time, whether he is ready or not. If he's still in pj's or half dressed with no breakfast he's still going. It worked really well with mine, went from shouting stressed mornings to much more relaxed when they realised the consequences of faffing, but mine are younger.

The micromanaging and yelling is obviously not working, you definitely need to do something!

Could you call a meeting with him tonight, tell him that you no longer want to be chivvying him around all morning, and ask him if he has any ideas as to how he could be supported to get ready by himself? If he doesn't you could make suggestions (checklist, alarms, preparing everything the night before etc). It might be the first step towards him taking responsibility for his own issue.

Implement the ideas and then tell him clearly what you will do (maybe you could agree to shout upstairs once, when he has ten minutes to go?) and make it clear that you won't be doing anything else. If after a week it's not working, call another family meeting and repeat the process. This is a skill that he will need throughout his life and 13 is a great age to start learning with your help. Good luck!

I agree yi need to instill good time keeping into him now. I have a friend who claims to have no perception of time / time keeping. It's is honestly so infuriating. I feel you need to make your own consequences at home if school aren't going to do it.

I think it needs to be a slow approach to self management. There will surely be books or websites for children and adults with adhd to help manage time. I'm not sure just setting him up to self manage overnight will work but make that the goal. Have you tried talking to him about it outside of the stressful situation when obviously you're infuriat3d so not very measured!

backward chaining and scaffolding rather than letting him just fail might work. (you do everything and then he does the last step successfully. once he can do the last step independently, he can do the last two steps.

I do need an incentive to be on time though. the threat of getting a fine from school iif the children were late worked for me. they were on time all the way through until the last one left Y6 then they had difficulties withthere disability and we were late twice. Even had to ring school to sck if they would come and fetch from car if necessary. that threat worked.

I hate the chivvying of children to get to school. this morning was peaceful. the chivvied one is still in bed as they are all out for 14 days.

Mine is 14 and can be very dreamy and is probably dyspraxic too.

I help him to a certain extent. Bag packed night before, all of his clothes are out, including socks and pants. Blazer with tie clipped to it is hanging where it always is. His water bottle and extra drink are in his bag along with his snacks. All books in there and PE kit if needed. Even his deodorant is in a specific place. He wakes himself up to his Alexa Show.

All he needs to do is shower, do his teeth and make his breakfast - and I've made this very easy for him too, he has choice of 3 cereals in easy access pots and packets of nuts and plenty of fruit along with smoothie cartons. His sandwich or wrap is in the fridge for him to grab.

So... because I know he has some organisational difficulties, I make sure everything is in place for him, and he's now very good at sorting himself in the morning and is always on time.

I'm aware I'm micro managing a bit but it's all done the night before with his input and I only do it because he'd struggle otherwise and I won't stand by and see him struggle. Never did it with my now 22 year old as she just didn't need it