to just let my13 yr old be late for school

[Rae36]

13 yr old ds is late for everything. He is so disorganised, is completely incapable of managing his own time. I spend most of my morning yelling at him to get ready and then he yells at me because he's fed up of constantly being yelled at. I'm fed up of constantly yelling. It's horrible.

I reckon I'm going to make sure he has his alarm set tonight, he has one of those light alarms, and he has his phone. So I will help him set as many alarms as he thinks he needs, make sure he has his bag and his uniform ready then I am going to leave him to it.

Problems with this are that I hate lateness. I really hate it. It is so rude and disrespectful to other people. I will be mega anxious if he is not actually up and ready.

Also the school don't seem to take any action if someone is late. I get a text saying ds was late today but there is no sanction at all in school. No staying in over break or anything, no-one has ever spoken to him about his lateness despite him being 5 or 10 minutes late at least once a week for most of his school life. So there is no incentive to be on time there.

I wonder if maybe him being properly half an hour(or quite possibly more) late might shock him into getting more organised, if he misses the start of an actual class and not just rolling in at the end of registration.

He doesn't have his phone in the morning, but he will be reading a book or playing with lego or reading the cereal packet or something. Sadly he has the ability to entertain himself in an empty room with just his imagination. But I can't pack away every single thing he owns anyway.

I feel like I am facilitating this behaviour by just micro-managing him through his entire morning. Which makes him angry with me and me angry with him. I am so fed up.

Would you just leave him to it, no matter how late he ends up being? Or at 13 is it still my job to get him to school on time at all costs?

Obviously if he's massively late 3 days in a row then my plan is not working and I will try something else. I'm not just going to let him be late every day for the rest of his life.

But AIBU to see what happens if he's not shouted at for the next few days?

@Rowenberryjelly

Yes set alarms and help him get ready the night before, but can you also (with prior warning!) be really strict that he is leaving the house at x time, whether he is ready or not. If he's still in pj's or half dressed with no breakfast he's still going. It worked really well with mine, went from shouting stressed mornings to much more relaxed when they realised the consequences of faffing, but mine are younger.

He’s 13 not 5.

I was always that child. I’d agree with pp raising issues of executive functioning problems but what about body clock? To this day I can spend forever just waking up yet could organise anything at 11pm. Is your lad a night owl? My mum was a lark and constantly frustrated by the fact I was half asleep in the mornings. Your description doesn’t immediately suggest he’s unhappy (dawdling because he dreads school) rather he’s just not great with mornings. If he’s more awake at night, could you capitalise on that and get him to prep’ his school bag and so on then, so his groggy morning self has less to do? That was how I had to manage.

Our son was DREADFUL at getting up in the mornings. He still is and is 28 now!

I used to have to drive him to school. I used to get so stressed out that he'd be late each morning. He was calm as a cucumber...

One morning I had had enough. I emailed his head of year and said he was currently in bed and hadn't got up and I was so stressed with it. She replied and said to not worry - just leave it to her to sort should he be late!!! That was such a relief to ME! All the worry I had just went.
Once my DS knew his head of year was involved, he certainly bucked his ideas up!
Happy days...

Does he have any other signs of executive dysfunction issues? How is he with organising homework, prioritising a task, starting a task, staying on track, finishing, self reviewing? Is he often inattentive throughout the evening and weekends as well? Does he have other memory issues across other spheres of his life? Does he frequently lose possessions? Does he hyperfocus on or get distracted by smaller things sometimes

I’m sorry but nearly every one of these is an example of typical early teen behaviour.

E Mail the school pastoral worker. Explain the situation and they should help you. I had this with ds along with some school refusal. They asked him to go in for hot chocolate and chat with a friend every morning and gently explained that going forward there would be consequences like staying in at lunchtime. This gentle approach worked and he built a good relationship with the pastoral manager

@Rae36 I was going to put what @CovidPostingName did. I’m currently getting my daughter assessed for ADD (inattentive ADHD).

I’m sorry but nearly every one of these is an example of typical early teen behaviour

That's why it is so tricky to work out if it is laziness or an actual issue. But he has been like this his whole life. And his brother is the exact opposite. He's not exactly Mr Cheery first thing in the morning but he gets himself out of bed and to school on time with minimal input.

Is your lad a night owl?

Yes. He never gets to sleep till late. Never has, his whole life. Which makes his life even harder when he has to be in school by 8.45am.

Is there any way you can be out of the house while he's getting ready? Even if you went for a 20 minute walk. It would save you from getting stressed out watching him make himself late.

Alexa is good as you can set loads of reminders and does the shouting for you. My kids have adhd so get the head in the clouds. All mine have night check list of everything they have to lay out in the evening then they get their electronics. If they dont get ready to our set time schedule in morning they know they wont get electronics in the evening.

@Bluntness100 Yes they absolutely are, and working out the degree to which they impact ones life and whether it's typical teen regression or something more is very difficult. I also have an autistic child with pretty severe executive dysfunction issues and when you've spent years in the neuro diversity/disability world you can see these signs a mile off. The depth and quality of the impact is different, it really is. Given that the OP says she's had suspicions for a while and has already asked school for support before suggests she is versed in these issues.

@Rae36 there are a number of online screening tools which you may already be aware of but try them again. Is there a local ADHD/ASD volunteer or support charity you could plug in to - the way to get support is to get educated and resourced, and ime it's parent led groups that have the most expertise in this area.

I would get as much ready the night before as possible - as PP have said, uniform hanging in vision and bag packed. Then in the morning it's just breakfast, wash/dress and out.

My DD is normally fine with getting ready the night before but the long break from school has taken it's toll a bit - Sunday night she sat down and packed her bag as she would do normally, but the first week back she didn't! It's getting back into the routine of things.

It's not starting your day (or his) off on the best foot and while you hate lateness OP you'd be less stressed if you accepted that it's not a concern for your son. As frustrating as you find it, reminders can be given without yelling (if you want to give reminders) which would stop the situation escalating every morning, which isn't fun for either of you.

I hope you find something that works well for both of you, OP.

I would have a chat with school pastoral team as well. Say that you're trying to help him learn this life skill (getting up, getting organised etc) and agree on a message that can be used at both ends (this is important, it's respectful of other people to be on time... whatever you think is best).

Yes, although could you apply sanctions? Eg, if school text to say he is late, then he can not do x?

I was getting myself up and ready from 11, my sister was still being woken by my mum at 18 for college... so I think it does depend! Some people seem to be better at waking up and being on time than others.

Mine were driven to primary school and (apart from 1 year) walked to secondary school. I made it quite clear to them (mostly DS) that if we were late due to their tardiness I would give that as the reason - no covering up for them - and they had to accept the consequences.
If it was due to traffic, my tardiness, etc. then I would take responsibility.

Same went for homework - if they were given the time, space and offer of help but didn't do it, they accept the consequences. If we were busy, illness, etc. I'd send a note in.

Like you, I loathe lateness and see it as plain rude (depending on the reason) so I had to control my response in order for them to understand the responsibility and consequences. Difficult at times!!

It is a real shame the school don't impose sanctions for lateness – but if they're not, maybe you need to.

If he doesn't want to be micromanaged, sit him down and explain you understand how unpleasant mornings have been, so you're going to try it his way and you're not going to do it at all for the next week.

Stick a list up on the wall of things he has to do and what time he has to be out of the door, and you'll leave him to it.

And if you get a notification from the school that he's been late, there will be consequences at home.

Have him negotiate what he needs to negotiate in order to agree to it, and then see how he gets on.

He might be a bit old for this but I used to do a series of alarms for my children, two for getting up, one for end of breakfast, one for washing and teeth, one for dressing and hair, one for packing bag and double checking and one to leave the house.
They don't use the alarms anymore except for getting up and leaving the house. It was great though, so little shouting
Absolutely leave him to it. It's annoying there is no sanction for lateness at my daughter's school they get a 45 minute after school detention if they arrive after the second bell.

I have ADHD and really struggled on school mornings. Gentle conversations, at receptive times about what might help him get up earlier rather than what you think is a good idea.

I really like @ladybee28 's post just above. Give him a very clear structure of what is appropriate. Let him make some decisions. Make consequences or rewards clear. "Clearly me doing X is not helping and it's making our home environment stressful. How do you think you could get to school on time? Let's try it your way and we can review Friday evening with a takeaway then watch a film"

When he inevitably comes out with a weak ass solution that you know will not work - let him try it. Make it very clear what success will look like, and what is considered failure. Eg running out of the door on time but without brushing teeth is not ok.

Review in a week, he is likely to be more receptive to support if he feels he has been given some autonomy.

My ds 12 is similar, seems he has no understanding of concept of time sometimes. If he has 5 minutes to spare, he can go into his room and play with lego or start reading a book and lose track of time. Only difference is, even he never go to bed before 12, he will wake up fine in the morning.

We stopped reminding him last year in yr7, that it's nearly the time to leave for school. He can check it for himself since he is old enough.

He now gets ready, and aware of time in the morning knowing I won't keep reminding him anymore.

He’s 13?! I would take a massive step back. He needs to take responsibility for himself. My mum didn’t get involved once l got to secondary school, if l was late, forgot stuff etc. It was my problem

Whether he has dyspraxia or something else or it’s just a standard teenager. Ultimately the answer is the same, in that he needs to find some coping strategies and organise himself. I was diagnosed as having dyspraxia and dysgraphia as an adult but either way l had to sort myself out from the age of 11; setting alarms, getting my clothes out the night before, figuring out how long it took me get to school etc

DD (13) is like this. She’s been assessed for dyslexia and has processing issues which mean she can’t manage to follow two consecutive instructions (clean your teeth then put your shoes on), and is really easily distracted.

I used to nag her constantly in the mornings which was horrible for me and for her. She is pretty good at setting an alarm so at least she’s up, but left to her own devices would never make it out of the house.

I’ve learned to try hard to step back and do VERY gentle nudges only when she needs them. So previously I’d be on her case to eat quicker (she can spend 10 -15 minutes on a bagel). Now I watch and as long as she’s actually eating it, however slowly, then I leave her to it. When she’s done I might remind her to go and clean her teeth, then leave her alone for a few minutes. Then I’ll check if she’s actually cleaning her teeth (or is nearly there as things just take forever), rather than yelling up the stairs, as if by then she’s got her brush in her hand, me yelling at her just pisses her off.

She’s definitely getting better, and it only works because I wfh and can be on her. There’s absolutely no way I could go and have a shower for 20 minutes in the morning as she would likely not have moved by the time I’d finished. I feel your pain...xx

Ime teens rarely respond to nagging sadly. To save your sanity you have to use whatever incentives you can. So tell him calmly if he isn't up and out on time you will remove his phone/xbox, whatever perks he is bothered about for 24 hours then longer, until he learns the hard way.

Leave him to it. He’ll be late or he won’t. You winding yourself up and endlessly nagging him only harms your state of mind and your relationship with him.

DS1 was just like this and I banged my head against the brick wall of his lateness for years. Once I stopped it was so much better.

Yes, he was often still late but that was between him and his school. Their rules, their consequences. Don’t let it mess with your home life.

Realising you can’t control this and you can step back is wonderfully freeing!

YANBU. It could be possible he has ADHD or something- might be worth looking into. I was quite academic so no-one would've guessed at school, but it was picked up in my 40s that I have ADHD.

Things like organization, chores etc have always been hard. The earlier it's picked up the better.

I don't have any solutions but I do empathise OP.

I'm an early bird and I cannot abide lateness. I very much think about where I need to be for any event and work out how long it will take to get there and when I need to leave and things I need to account for in that time.
DH conversely is a 'oh it will be fine' sort of person and DS1 (also 13) takes after him. It drives me nuts when he dawdles about and I'm sitting in the car waiting because if we don't leave RIGHT NOW we are going to be late. DH gives no shits. He's convinved that it takes less than 15 minutes to the next town and I tell him no its 23 minutes. So if you plan to leave at 8.45 (but it takes you an extra 5 minutes to dawdle finding shit and putting on shoes) YOU WILL NOT BE THERE BY 9! I know this because I fricking work there and I do that drive every day (well I did, until March!)

I have to chivvy DS1 in the morning (DS2 gets up before 7 every day) He is a night owl by nature, but I have removed access to all electronics after 9.30 so he can't piss about on them. I have had to hide his tablet during term time. Getting him in bed on time, even if he's not asleep, seems to help a lot. He doesn't get distracted by anything other than electronics thoguh.
In the morning, I give him a wake up call when I get up (about 6.40am) and another at 7. I'm quite often yelling at 7.15 as we need to be out the door at 7.30 or he'll miss his train. We drive him to the station so its hard not to do the yellling thing when he's holding up me or DH too.

His school are quite strict, but if kids are late its hard for them to reprimand as most of them rely on public transport. I have told DS though that if he misses a train because he wouldn't get out of bed, I would report him to the form tutor, which seems to worry him slightly.

I have autistic traits which made it hard to drag myself away from anything that I was doing/interested in and out the door to anything.