to just let my13 yr old be late for school

[Rae36]

13 yr old ds is late for everything. He is so disorganised, is completely incapable of managing his own time. I spend most of my morning yelling at him to get ready and then he yells at me because he's fed up of constantly being yelled at. I'm fed up of constantly yelling. It's horrible.

I reckon I'm going to make sure he has his alarm set tonight, he has one of those light alarms, and he has his phone. So I will help him set as many alarms as he thinks he needs, make sure he has his bag and his uniform ready then I am going to leave him to it.

Problems with this are that I hate lateness. I really hate it. It is so rude and disrespectful to other people. I will be mega anxious if he is not actually up and ready.

Also the school don't seem to take any action if someone is late. I get a text saying ds was late today but there is no sanction at all in school. No staying in over break or anything, no-one has ever spoken to him about his lateness despite him being 5 or 10 minutes late at least once a week for most of his school life. So there is no incentive to be on time there.

I wonder if maybe him being properly half an hour(or quite possibly more) late might shock him into getting more organised, if he misses the start of an actual class and not just rolling in at the end of registration.

He doesn't have his phone in the morning, but he will be reading a book or playing with lego or reading the cereal packet or something. Sadly he has the ability to entertain himself in an empty room with just his imagination. But I can't pack away every single thing he owns anyway.

I feel like I am facilitating this behaviour by just micro-managing him through his entire morning. Which makes him angry with me and me angry with him. I am so fed up.

Would you just leave him to it, no matter how late he ends up being? Or at 13 is it still my job to get him to school on time at all costs?

Obviously if he's massively late 3 days in a row then my plan is not working and I will try something else. I'm not just going to let him be late every day for the rest of his life.

But AIBU to see what happens if he's not shouted at for the next few days?

Is it worth (and you might already have done this) in the evening when everyone is calm, running through a plan of the morning and setting out times he needs to hit each stage. So - out of bed when alarm goes at 7.30. out of bathroom by 7.45 breakfast finished by 8.10 out of door by 8.30. etc. Make a big poster and put it up on his bedroom door or something?
Growing up we had a super strict morning routine. Mom had to get to work (teacher) and dad drove me and brother to (different) school before going to his work. It was very regimented to get us ready and out on time, we only had one bathroom so it was a case of if you missed your slot, sorry you missed your bathroom slot! We were late only maybe once a year and that was usually down to traffic. My DF would get breakfast for us (cereal or porrige) so we just had to sit at the table, and then if we were hanging around chatting or messing around he would give constant time updates but that wouldn't be every day as mostly we knew exactly where we had to be and when.

He does need to learn to own his own time management.
I met my ex aged 24 and he was still being woken up by his gran for work 🤮.

It's tough love, but it has to be done. You're not always going to be there to make sure he's on time for things, and the sooner he learns, the better.

My stepson started sixth form last year, and was used to either me or my partner driving him in every morning - and shouting to wake him up, even right up to the end of Y11. He claims not to be able to hear his alarm, even at full volume (yet he can hear his phone perfectly fine if he gets a text).

He has to get a bus to college as it's miles away and no longer in our direction for a lift. A few times he overslept and asked for a lift, which made me late. DP said don't do that, leave him to it. If he oversleeps he has to either get another bus and be late, or pay for a taxi and and be on time - but use his own money. It took a lot for me to let this happen, and it took a while, but so far this year he hasn't been late once! (Didn't get very long to experiment last year, given lockdown).

It will work eventually - but you need to be strong! Not sure how effective it'll be if there are no punishments for lateness at school, though.

Lay out your own incentive plan, does he get pocket money, phone credit etc. Work out a daily deduction for every day he is late. I.e Pocket money of £7 per week and deduct a pound for each day for late attendance.
You are right that punctuality is important. In my working life I refused to interview a candidate who was 20mins late for their appointment. They were told to wait until the end of the session (2hrs) and were then given an opportunity to interview. I detest lateness in work and especially find that in this day and age with mobile phones that a courteous call to explain that you are running late is the least that one could do.
Timekeeping is important in all walks of life, public transport and planes don't wait he will soon find out in adult life that he needs to be on time.

@AntiSocialDistancer

I have ADHD and really struggled on school mornings. Gentle conversations, at receptive times about what might help him get up earlier rather than what you think is a good idea.

I really like @ladybee28 's post just above. Give him a very clear structure of what is appropriate. Let him make some decisions. Make consequences or rewards clear. "Clearly me doing X is not helping and it's making our home environment stressful. How do you think you could get to school on time? Let's try it your way and we can review Friday evening with a takeaway then watch a film"

When he inevitably comes out with a weak ass solution that you know will not work - let him try it. Make it very clear what success will look like, and what is considered failure. Eg running out of the door on time but without brushing teeth is not ok.

Review in a week, he is likely to be more receptive to support if he feels he has been given some autonomy.

thank you @AntiSocialDistancer !

both my kids have ASD and major exec function issues
but are also now teens and HATE being told / helped too
so it's handy to have a clear suggestion as to how to bridge that gap x

First of all, it's important to get him on board. Does he even want to improve his lateness?

This is a perfect time to get a grip because employers won't be as sympathetic. I don't think he should be labelled, but please read the following book which is a good book about organising for anyone -

www.amazon.co.uk/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1138190748/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=add+friendly+ways&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1600770449&sr=8-1

Old copies of this is just as good as the new one and less cluttered with useless info(which seems mainly to have been released to advertise coaching services).

I don't think he'll read that but you might find it useful.

I wasn’t great at this. Normally would definitely say leave him to it. Only slight caveat is if it would now affect Covid bubbles.

I'd be more concerned about the yelling, than the lateness. You're the lady who have birth to him, raised him and fed him and clothed him. How dare he speak to you like this

I cannot even stand it when kids reply with 'what?' at their parents. In public, I have to stop myself as it's none if my business, when I hear kids being cheeky and rude, especially older kids like pre teens and teenagers being cheeky and disrespectful at their parents.

He needs a good kick up the behind. And sent to school early. Get the frying pans out and clatter them above his head singing loudly wakey wakey rise and shine...

What is your sanction if he is late? I would be saying "ds if you cannot get your backside into school on time x, y, z will happen". He is never going to get his act together without consequence.

I was about to mention dyspraxia type behaviours as well. My DS eventually got a diagnosis at 17. I also spent quite a lot of time moaning at him especially for losing track of his belongings.

He's doing better now we understand what the issues are.

Have you tried setting the clocks fast? Difficult to do now that everything is connected to the internet right enough.

Does he even want to improve his lateness?

I'm not sure he cares. There is no sanction in school. At home if I get a late text I take his phone away for that day and he gets it back on the way out the door the following morning. But he doesn't really bother. He's forgotten to take his phone to school today anyway, it's just lying on his bed. He's not all that dependent on his phone.

Honestly, it's so hard to find something that bothers him. He can literally sit in an empty room and stare out the window and lose himself in some thought or other.

He is such a lovely character, so easy going, I wish I could be more like him. He was saving for something he wanted to buy and he lost a week of pocket money so he wasn't able to buy it that week. He was sad for about 30 seconds then just wandered off and amused himself building a model rocket out of 5 random pieces of lego he found lying around.

He would be bothered if he was stopped going to football training. But I don't feel like it's fair to take that away because that affects everyone in the team. They don't have that many spare players.

Maybe if he's not bothered I need to be less bothered.

And for the person who was asking about the yelling, I don't mean he is yelling abuse at me. I just mean that I am yelling up the stairs "It's 8am, time to go" and he's yelling back "OK" but by the time I"ve yelled "It's 8.15!" his yelling back of "OK" is louder and more frustrated. I know I could walk up the stairs and gently speak to him but I don't have time for that in the morning.

I think I'll work out how to set up the alexa spoken reminder things. I didn't know you could do that.

Do consequences motivate him in other areas of his life or is he motivated by rewards? Whichever works for him, use it. Leaving him to be late, although tempting, is unlikely to make him change his behaviour because there are no consequences for lateness and no rewards for earliness. It needs to have an impact on his life. Currently it's only negatively impacting you (because you don't like yelling) and letting him be late is only going to negatively impact his class and his teacher.

Honestly, I feel like I'm making excuses for him but it's like the timeliness part of his brain is just not there. I can say "We are leaving in 5 minutes'" but 5 minutes means nothing to him. 5 minutes, 60 minutes, it's all the same to him.

He cycles to football training with his friend who comes to the door for him. He will go upstairs to get ready, he knows his friend will be there at 6.40pm, he knows it's 6.35pm, yet he'll still be hopping downstairs putting his other sock on when he hears the doorbell ring.

He really lives in the moment which is such a good character trait in so many ways, but also his downfall. He can't forward plan at all.

Sounds a lot like adhd. Whether he has diagnosable adhd, or just some of the traits, it would be really worth both of you reading about strategies that would help.

It must be frustrating for him. If he can't succeed and can't understand why, he's likely to have just given up trying.

Ultimately, don't make it a battleground. Seems the school don't care that much, so if it doesn't matter to them whether he's 10 minutes late, then it's not worth having a stressful atmosphere every morning.

He sounds a lovely lad!

'Maybe if he's not bothered I need to be less bothered.'

No op don't give up, these are basic life skills. If he couldn't be bothered to have a shower you wouldn't just shrug and say ah well he's lovely so nevermind. Lots of teens have their heads in the clouds, it's up to us to make them see they have to get their arses in gear.

If him missing football would let his team mates down then yes that's a shame but do it. You need to find the trigger that will make him sit up and take notice.

I remember my bf's son being exactly the same when he was about 13 - his poor mum was in despair! He had certainly 'grown out of it' by the time he got to 6th form, but I'm sorry I can't remember for certain what she did. I think she just left him to it.

Go totally hands off. And contact the school. They need to be sanctioning this, he's never going to learn if they've just stopped caring. I'd also be concerned at what else they're throwing up their hands and giving up over.

I would get him tested for Inattentive ADHD, you mention some classic symptoms. Then if he has it, you can learn techniques for helping him manage. I'm pretty sure my son has IADHD, and we're looking to have a private diagnosis before he starts secondary next year. It can come across as bad behaviour but it really isn't.

My DS was like this when he was a teenager and it used to drive me crazy because I took him to school and then I went onto work so it impacted on my day if we were running late. However, when he was left with a friend overnight whilst I was away with work they both managed to be on time. I also left the house at least once without him as I had to get to a meeting. We were stuck in a cycle of yelling and lateness and it drove us both mad. I think yours is a very good idea!

Also routine is key, but I'm sure you ga eg that. My oldest (12) doesn't function properly without it. So on a school night a shower and good sleep after a bit of reading to him (he still likes that!) no tech in room. Uniform out and ready and shoes polished, bag packed so no running about in the morning. Then he gets up at 7, breakfast, teeth and YouTube then I drive him to school at 8. If we don't do things the night before or she doesn't get enough sleep it's definitely more stressful.

*already do

*he not she. Sausage fingers!

Let him be late. But see if you can get a conversation with his teacher about it, and ask them to talk to him and tell him it's unacceptable. I'd then sit with him and explain you're sick of yelling and you know he's sick of it too, and that he's the age now where you shouldn't be yelling, he should be capable of doing all this himself. (Also, explain it particularly drives you crazy exactly because you hate lateness so much, my son responds much better if I admit a 'fault' of mine to him.) Go through his alarms on his phone with him and set alarms as reminders - get up now, shower now, dressed now, breakfast now, then it's the phone nagging him and not you. Hopefully they might keep him moving. Some of us just aren't morning people!

@Reclinehard

Absolutely leave him to it. Let him learn how to manage his time and he might develop his own hatred of tardiness. I was chronically late throughout school, college and university but it got so stressful towards the end that I learned how to be on time. If it is actually a problem, ie he's missing the beginning of a lesson, surely the school will act.

This was definitely me too and I now absolutely can't abide lateness. So it is possible to change.

I think one way to try and deal with this is taking DS out for lunch on a weekend and having a convo with him about lateness. Why it's rude etc. Then ask him why he thinks he is late, is there anything you can do to help him (e.g. maybe a checklist/morning timetable you can write out together or his room is messy and he needs to organise it better to help him in the mornings).

Then say beyond that you're leaving it to him and he can deal with the embarrassment or whatever of everyone looking at him when he turns up 15 minutes into a class.

And if he is late with you/your family you will simply start on time/without him.

To make the lesson stick, forget "school". You have to ensure that being late = missing something he really wanted to go to.