To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

@SuitedandBooted

The only "Controlling" people here are the BF and his date-crashing, drunken parents

"She constantly blames herself and persuades herself its just friendly banter when he puts her down for her clothes, her education, her IG posts. She even had a secret IG account from him. He looked in her phone, found it and left her sobbing in town after he told her it was over because she didn't tell him"

She barely know them, you have only met when his pissed Mum practically fell out of the Taxi - but according to MN she is and adult (at 17) and its OK.

I would NOT be paying for her holiday
I would NOT be letting her miss college ( what does he do?)
I would NOT let her go half way round the world with near strangers and their unpleasant, bullying son.

But that's because I am a parent, not my child's cool friend

Seems all the sane mums are on her after 7am. Thanks everyone.

Helicopter parents stand down! Yes they need support and advice in their teens but we shouldn't be laying down rules at 19 (or 18) regarding their sex lives

I disagree. If a young adult is living in their parents house, then the parents can lay down rules re: what they do in that house. If they don't want them to have partners staying over, then they don't stay over. They can get a hotel room or something.

YANBU. So many red flags from him and his parents. DD may well be looking to you to be the bad guy. I know my DD17 does this when she wants to get out of something.

Not this.

The parents seem to be treating son as an adult, and therefore wouldn't even consider consulting parents of the partner.

His behaviour is the concern, OP, from your drip feed. Stop focusing on the parents, ignore people who think that inviting someone on holiday makes you a sex trafficker, and guide your daughter through this unhealthy first relationship. Make sure she knows the risks and the concerns, and guide her to make her choice.

Oh, thanks ever so much! Equally, to this^, I'd say, OP, not this!

You can't control him, or his behaviour. You can look out for your daughter's best interests, as you are doing.

These weirdos are not inviting the young girl to a weekend in Bognor Regis. I find it all very odd. The insistence she must come, especially. During a global pandemic, where flights are cancelled and quarantines declared, and the whole thing is a moving dumpster fire.

i disagree. If a young adult is living in their parents house, then the parents can lay down rules re: what they do in that house. If they don't want them to have partners staying over, then they don't stay over. They can get a hotel room

In your house, sure, but saying your adult child can't stay at their girlfriend's house unless they sleep in separate bedrooms? That's not your house, you might as well think of it as a hotel. Why do you get to dictate where another adult sleeps in someone else's house?

I'd say yes, your decision, have a lovely time, make sure you are paying your way and you have a way to get home if you fall out with him while you are there - but in the meantime keep up your studies, see your other friends, and I would love to start meeting your boyfriend more, bring him round, you are getting to know his family so let's do the same. Nod and smile and be really nice to him and let her see his drama and dysfunction for what it is and it won't last to December hopefully.

You really don’t seem to be taking on board the posters who have flagged your behaviour as odd too. You DO come across as oddly controlling to me and are handling this badly.

The BF and his family do sound weird definitely but your repeated use of “predatory” makes you sound a little unhinged TBH.
My overall take is that BOTH families are a little too emeshed in their children’s lives but that you are a little posher than them 😂.
The conflict seems to stem from who is the most effectively emeshed and spending time with these kids.

. I think you need to step back and take on board what’s been said about being quietly supportive for your DD. it’s not normal to be giving “permission” in all the situations you seem to think it is, to a young woman who is nearly an adult.

Also if your son had moved out at 19, living with their partner, you're saying you wouldn't allow him to come back home and visit overnight with her? He would have to get a hotel? What if they were engaged? Can she stay when they marry? Makes no sense.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'My DS is 19 and of course I want to know where he is and who he is spending time with ... he has only stayed at his GF's parents house once, and that was after a conversation with her parents (whom we know) and a clear explanation of the separate bedroom arrangements'

19!!

This reminds me of a parent who escorted her NT dc on the school bus. Secondary school bus

Helicopter parents stand down! Yes they need support and advice in their teens but we shouldn't be laying down rules at 19 (or 18) regarding their sex lives.

My boyfriend's parents insisted this at 19. Was ridiculous because we'd been sleeping in the same bed all term at uni. I was respectful enough to stay in the spare room, but it just meant that he had no ability to talk to his parents about the relationship.

My DD met her BF when she was 18 moved in with him at 19,he is 4 years older than her, she is 28 now, I have never met his parents. She has been away with them too. He is a lovely man though.
Although we mums now 'chat' on messenger.
Although they are very respectable and we are probably the 'rougher' side.
To be honest, let her get on with it, it will probably fizzle out on its own, particularly if they criticize you, if you give no reason for being 'unreasonable'.

It’s very odd that she shares so much with you about the relationship (much more than I would have at that age!) but won’t actually let you meet the boy. Do you think that it is him refusing to meet you?

What does the boy do, is he working or studying?

She could leave home and move in with them... quite legally and without it being a problem. Even if they are nutters. Not your place to ban things .. you will push them further together.

Although I would not be paying...old enough to go..she pays or they can pay!

my dd went on holiday with her bf, and her family, they offered to meet me, it was the least they could do, considering they were driving there and would be in loco parentis and they were the same age, thereabouts. we had a quick chat on the doorstep.
you dont like his parents on first meeting.
you have every right to be concerned. stay strong op. she will thank you for it in due course.

Tread carefully mama or you may find your daughter packs a bag and moves into the boyfriends. There would be nothing you could do to stop her.

I am going to tell you a bit from my experience. My dad was very controlling when I was teenager. I only was resentful towards him. When I was 19 years old I met my husband. His parents were welcoming and always let us do what we wanted. They paid for our holidays. My dad was always negative about my then Boyfriend. When he stayed over at my parents house, he had to stay in different room, even if he was my fiancé. His parents supported me both emotionally and financially, when I was at university. They were treating me like their daughter from the day I met my husband. My husband's dad was very close to me and when he had a terminal cancer, I took care of him.

@SuitedandBooted

The only "Controlling" people here are the BF and his date-crashing, drunken parents

"She constantly blames herself and persuades herself its just friendly banter when he puts her down for her clothes, her education, her IG posts. She even had a secret IG account from him. He looked in her phone, found it and left her sobbing in town after he told her it was over because she didn't tell him"

She barely know them, you have only met when his pissed Mum practically fell out of the Taxi - but according to MN she is and adult (at 17) and its OK.

I would NOT be paying for her holiday
I would NOT be letting her miss college ( what does he do?)
I would NOT let her go half way round the world with near strangers and their unpleasant, bullying son.

But that's because I am a parent, not my child's cool friend

This

I would be worried too OP. It is not normal for parents to go on dates it sounds to me as if they have an agenda. Is there an income differential do you think between the families , just wondering if she is their meal ticket to a holiday?

Well apart from everything else, there's zero way I'd be forking out right now for a foreign holiday in December, that's ridiculous to book that at the minute and that's one if the reasons I'd be giving for not funding any of this.

@MeridianB agreed the villa gives me goosebumps!!

They sounds creepy as fuck. Who goes on their sons dates with them?
From her reactions and his put downs and "banter" It sounds like she has found herself in a abusive relationship.
Love bombing
Planning the future too soon
Controling what she wears
Causing strife between you both trying to isolate her
Keeping her relationship with him seperate from friends
The parents are helping him to do this, no way I'd send my Dd off with them. All that way and a big argument and they would all three be against her.
She's young and naive getting sucked into this shit show.
She needs to learn the red flag signs of abusive relationships. No one is immune from these things, all we can do is be wary.

@cinderelly

You've been asked loads of times:

• what do you mean by predatory?

Also, why are you more worried about the parents (who many people think it would be odd to meet) than the bf? And why does the villa give you goosebumps?

You might find that the pending lockdown is your best friend right now.

'Not the time to plan going on holiday' is a useful tactic perhaps.It is true as well.

When the lockdown eases you may find you have a bit of breathing space and things are not so strained. This too will pass...

They do sound really weird from your post OP, but in their defence I can sort of see how the first half of the post, before the holiday, could have been construed from the other side as you being a bit controlling and negative. I'm not saying you were, but if that was how it was perceived and presented by her bf then it would explain their general hostility and make it all less strange.

That said, I wouldn't be at all surprised if there's an overbearing MIL situation with this boy one day, it's very odd that they have been involved with all their dates.

For me this problem would solve itself. There's absolutely no way I could just send someone on a luxury holiday on their say so. I understand that it may depend on your finances whether this is true but I would just say it's very expensive and you can't afford it. Continue to be positive about the relationship but don't send her on the holiday. It's unbelievably cheeky anyway.

I would be worried too OP. It is not normal for parents to go on dates it sounds to me as if they have an agenda. Is there an income differential do you think between the families , just wondering if she is their meal ticket to a holiday?

This was my first thought too. I wonder how their finances are and would be very wary about her expected contribution. Fwiw, if we invited one of my dc’s friends on a villa holiday, we wouldn’t expect them to pay as we would be staying there anyway so the only extra cost would be the flights which are quite reasonable and we would be able to cover.