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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I expect too much from my mum?

79 replies

magyar2020 · 21/09/2020 14:56

I'm looking for some help how to cope with this. I'm quite a strong person but this is something I just cannot stop thinking about recently.

My mum will never come to visit us. We live about a 50 mile round trip but we're always told it was us who moved so far away. Yes she doesn't drive and doesn't have access to a car but regularly uses busses to go on day trips often double the distance we are to her. Since lockdown restrictions have eased I've taken our DD to see her several times but it would have been nice for her to come to see us? Instead she has gone on day trips (mostly to shop!) and even suggested she was going to visit a place to go shopping where the bus stops in our town! But would not be coming to our town. Apparently it's my responsibility to visit her.

She never calls us. She waits on me calling. I tell her very little about our life and when I do it's always met with just a "that's nice". An example being me: "I have a job interview for a new role so I'm doing some preparation" Mum: "that's nice".

Our DD started a new nursery recently and it would have been nice to have got a message or a call asking how she got on.

This sounds like a rant. I've been getting really annoyed about it for a while but what is really got to me is yesterday she asked when I will collect my birthday present.

Am I expecting too much from her? Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just not that normal? How do I cope with this and not let it get to me? Sorry it does sound like a rant?

OP posts:

Alexandernevermind · 21/09/2020 14:59

She sounds a bit selfish and Victorian. My Grandma is a bit like this, has the attitude that's its the responsibility of the younger generation to come to or telephone her.

Onekidnoclue · 21/09/2020 15:01

I’m sorry OP but that sounds like she’s just not interested. Has she always been like this? Can I ask why you bother?
BTW I appreciate I might be cold, I have a vile narcissistic mother so not a great judge of normal.

BlueJava · 21/09/2020 15:02

Is your mum older? Mine is in her 80s and is very much the same. She never calls (well maybe twice in the last 5 years). I will tell her something about the family and she'd just say "that's nice". It actually makes conversation a bit difficult tbh. I don't have any advice apart from just go when it suits you, if she wants to talk then great, if not I wouldn't worry but let her get on with things in her own way.

RepeatSwan · 21/09/2020 15:03

I don't think yabu to wish she cared a little more.

Whilst covid is around I can understand the bus reluctance, but not phoning etc is not really explained by anything other than not wanting to.

AriettyHomily · 21/09/2020 15:05

I wouldn't expect my mother to be on a 50m round bus trip at the moment tbh but she could easily call / message.

ABC12310111213 · 21/09/2020 15:07

I have similar with my family and I am getting to the point where I can no longer be bothered with it all. Why should I always be the one that does the running around and helping them out.? Certainly don't get anything out of the relationship in return.
No advice I'm afraid as I don't know what to do about it either

Hopefulhen · 21/09/2020 15:10

Has she always been disinterested in your life or did it all start when you moved away? It seems like she massively resents you for leaving your home town.

Havaiana · 21/09/2020 15:12

Sounds like she’s taken you moving 25 miles away really personally.

She does sound a bit disinterested. Have you suggested picking up her for the day? Or her staying over one weekend?

emilyfrost · 21/09/2020 15:16

You’re the one who moved away, so yes, it is your responsibility to visit her rather than expect her to come to you.

JoanJosephJim · 21/09/2020 15:18

Sometimes in life you just have to accept that people are not who or what you want them to be.

You want her to be interested, to care enough to visit you, but she isn't interested nor does she care enough. It is sad but you have to accept that.

My Mum was lovely, caring, interested, my Dad? Not a peep from him, ever. My Mum died 10 years ago. I see my Dad when he is at my sister's house, he is very involved with her and her children. Me? I didn't live on his doorstep and I didn't need him to continue the childcare that my Mum did. I'd like to think it was that but he never visited with my Mum and she came over every week!

It is sad but I have surrounded myself with people who do care, my sisters and my friends.

Original poster

magyar2020 · 21/09/2020 15:18

My point with busses is that since lockdown restrictions were eased she's been to lots of places to go shopping. I've often asked her to stay the weekend and it's met with a no thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

magyar2020 · 21/09/2020 15:20

@emilyfrost

You’re the one who moved away, so yes, it is your responsibility to visit her rather than expect her to come to you.

Interesting. Does distance matter? If I moved to the next street would it still be my responsibility?

OP posts:

Original poster

magyar2020 · 21/09/2020 15:20

Thanks for all the kind words and advice everyone!

OP posts:

JoanJosephJim · 21/09/2020 15:23

@emilyfrost

You’re the one who moved away, so yes, it is your responsibility to visit her rather than expect her to come to you.

So stay close to her Mum at the expense of jobs, relationships, cheaper housing, better schools, a better life? Are you the Mum?

My Mum cared enough to drive for 3 hours to come and see me when I had given birth to Ds1.

I moved away for uni and then again when I met Dh and he earned far more money than me, I am a trailing spouse. I don't dictate the job market, where the jobs are, we move.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 21/09/2020 15:24

I wouldn't expect my mum to travel from 50 miles away to visit me by public transport.

You state "I tell her very little about our life" but why don't you? No wonder she doesn't make the effort to phone you. It must be very difficult to hold a two-way conversation with you. Sounds to me like there is more to this than you have told us.

Northofsomewhere · 21/09/2020 15:26

I don't think it's particularly anyone's responsibility to visit anyone, regardless of who moved away. I visit university friends all across the UK despite none of us living where we met.

How easy is it for her to reach your doorstep? You mention a there's a bus service for her to reach your town but how easy is it for her to get from there to your door, and how long would it take?

I live in Yorkshire and if I wanted to visit Halifax from her, despite it being about 15 miles would involve 2 trains and a bus each way if I was relying on public transport, I could probably reach Manchester in the same length of time.

It's definitely not a good excuse but might be behind some of the reasoning she has. Could you suggest meeting halfway if you really want to meet up? If not, I'd just wait for her to ring you and keep visits brief.

Original poster

magyar2020 · 21/09/2020 15:28

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey

I wouldn't expect my mum to travel from 50 miles away to visit me by public transport.

Nothing more than what I have said. I tell her very little as it is only ever met with a "that's nice" comment. It makes a conversation pretty difficult

OP posts:

unmarkedbythat · 21/09/2020 15:29

My mum and dad were excellent about visiting, pre covid, but one thing that pisses me off is that they never phone me, yet expect me to phone them every day. The passive aggressive messages and comments to relatives if I don't are insane.

Original poster

magyar2020 · 21/09/2020 15:29

@Northofsomewhere

I don't think it's particularly anyone's responsibility to visit anyone, regardless of who moved away. I visit university friends all across the UK despite none of us living where we met.

How easy is it for her to reach your doorstep? You mention a there's a bus service for her to reach your town but how easy is it for her to get from there to your door, and how long would it take?

Thanks. Yeah I've offered to meet half way before. It would be 2 busses door to door and would take just over an hour

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 21/09/2020 15:35

Looking at this from another perspective, your mum goes on shopping trips because she wants to do that. She goes shopping and does what she wants and then goes home.

Visiting you on a bus and then going home might be a chore for her ?
I don't mean this to sound horrible but if it's what's going on in her mindset then that is why she does not want to come and stay over. She does not mind seeing you when you visit because it's only for a short time.
Perhaps that's all she can mentally cope with ?

Jaxhog · 21/09/2020 15:44

Visiting you on a bus and then going home might be a chore for her ?

Perhaps it is. Would you even make her feel welcome if she did visit you? It sounds like visiting her is a chore for you. At the current time, don't you think you should be doing what you can to reduce her risks by helping her keep down the number of journeys she makes on public transport?

Suki2 · 21/09/2020 15:49

OP my mother is exactly the same; maybe it's a generational thing. She's in her 80's. Never rings, and expects me and my DC to visit. The very occasional time she's come to visit, with my father, it has been such a cause of stress for them it's hardly worth it. Very Victorian.

The best advice I can give is to find other people in your life who'll take an interest in you and your DD, as I doubt your mother will change.

My other piece of advice is to not take it personally; I'm sure she loves you. Focus on making sure you have a better relationship with your DD; or at least one where you can talk honestly about expectations and desires.

I'm sorry it's tough; my DC are teenagers now and I still feel hurt by my mother; I think there are plenty around the same.

2bazookas · 21/09/2020 15:49

You say you tell her very little about your life.

Maybe that's given her the impression that she's not very welcome to ask questions or comment about your life, and not very welcome in your home.

That would explain why she only gives very bland non-commital responses ; doesn't suggest she'll come to see you, and tries to keep out of your way as much as she can.

Why not ask her?

Brefugee · 21/09/2020 15:50

2 buses in a mask? when you could just visit in the car? Meh, i wouldn't do it either unless there was an emergency. Also the less exposure to the public and so on is better for your mum.

Sophiesdog2020 · 21/09/2020 15:51

No I don’t think you expect too much..

I moved away at 18, and have lived in various places up to 110 miles away. My parents always visited and stayed with me, usually in the car whilst dad was still alive. Mum could drive but never did long distance.

Even when widowed, my mum travelled on a bus then 3 trains to come and stay with us in current house, approx 70miles away. She did this well into her 80s, and up to about 85, took one of our kids back with her for a week at Easter and in summer (we would then pick them up). As adults, they look back fondly on those journeys, as well as staying with her. She also travelled to London to see DB, 1 bus and 2 trains (then tube with him).

I know not everyone is physically well into 80s, but if your mum can travel for shopping why not to visit her family?

I didn’t always have the easiest of relationships with her, but she phoned and visited regularly.

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