Do I expect too much from my mum?

[magyar2020]

I'm looking for some help how to cope with this. I'm quite a strong person but this is something I just cannot stop thinking about recently.

My mum will never come to visit us. We live about a 50 mile round trip but we're always told it was us who moved so far away. Yes she doesn't drive and doesn't have access to a car but regularly uses busses to go on day trips often double the distance we are to her. Since lockdown restrictions have eased I've taken our DD to see her several times but it would have been nice for her to come to see us? Instead she has gone on day trips (mostly to shop!) and even suggested she was going to visit a place to go shopping where the bus stops in our town! But would not be coming to our town. Apparently it's my responsibility to visit her.

She never calls us. She waits on me calling. I tell her very little about our life and when I do it's always met with just a "that's nice". An example being me: "I have a job interview for a new role so I'm doing some preparation" Mum: "that's nice".

Our DD started a new nursery recently and it would have been nice to have got a message or a call asking how she got on.

This sounds like a rant. I've been getting really annoyed about it for a while but what is really got to me is yesterday she asked when I will collect my birthday present.

Am I expecting too much from her? Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just not that normal? How do I cope with this and not let it get to me? Sorry it does sound like a rant?

I dont wonder about the other side of the story at all. In my world people who want a warm, loving relationship with their children and grandchildren ask after them and make an effort to be part of their lives. My MiL is disabled, housebound and shielding . She cant visit us but she picks up the phone to speak to us and asks the kids how they're doing, how school is, what they've been up to. She's easy to have a relationship with. With my mum 3/4 of the visits are from us to her but she'll drive over sometimes (preCOVID she'd use the bus) and she knows how to use a post box too.

You’re the one who moved away, so yes, it is your responsibility to visit her rather than expect her to come to you.

What nonsense. People move all the time for lots of reasons, if someone moves away from their home town are they supposed to spend all their spare time visiting friends and family as nobody will ever visit them?

Bloody hell, both my brother and I moved continents (different ones, as well) away from our mother! She was very unhappy about it, but we never lost contact with her and she visited us when she could, as indeed, we visited her when we could. She was of the generation where when we were children, she took us to visit her parents every Sunday for Sunday lunch, until her father died, at which point, she would visit her mother every night after work before coming home to see her husband and children, and her mother would always come to Sunday lunch with us after Mass, so our behaviour was a bit of a shock. Though at least she had a car.
Not sure this is adding anything to the conversation, sorry, @magyar2020.

@emilyfrost Lolz seriously? So if your kids move to a different country some day you’ll just sulk at home and never visit them because they moved away and they have to always come back to see you.? Wtf

"She never calls us. She waits on me calling."
Reading your OP, I was thinking along the lines of your mum maybe struggling physically to get to your door (hilly / poor pavements / long walk from bus-stop) but - there's no physical barriers to picking up a phone, is there.

Fuck it, I'd stop ringing her and see how long it takes before she realises.

Doesn't sound good really. My dad will never call me and doesn't remember things like asking after grandchildrens exam results etc, but he will drive over to visit us.
Does she complain if you don't call her?

Relationships are a two-way street. It doesn't sound like she makes much effort. Sorry, OP, it must hurt... You hear regularly of GPs doing so much for their grandkids. Childcare, school pickups, babysitting, just generally being interested in their lives. My parents live too far away to help regularly, but they're always asking about DS and 'kidnap' him as soon as we visit so we don't have to do anything for him.

Yes, people on here will say she's not "obliged" to make any effort, and that's true, but neither do you have to put yourself out for her. I'd concentrate on relationships with friends and other relatives which are more rewarding.

She's only 59 - I take it she's fit enough to get the bus?

I'd find this quite rubbish, but as someone else said, sometimes you just have to accept that your relatives are not what you would ideally like.
What do you think is motivating her? Is she just not a very interested parent? Enjoying no longer being responsible? Maybe even thinking that you don't want your old mum coming round all the time?
If you said you'd like her to visit more, how would she react?

Sometimes, parents of adult children worry about intruding in their lives and can get anxious about calling or phoning because the son or daughter is always busy.
It can cause problems I know, but the fear of sounding needy can stop one from reaching out.

Maybe she also thinks her life is quite dull, so she doesn't phone as she doesn't want to bore you?

If I had a car and my mother did not then I would be the one who would visit. Especially now in the middle of a pandemic - do you really want her risking her health on a 50 mile round trip on public transport? How long does it take you to drive in comfort to her house? Compare that to the journey she would have to take to get to you - it really isn't comparable is it?

And you do realise she may not be the only person who could catch corona, any infection she picked up during her journey could just as easy be passed on to you and your DD.

Do you snap at your mum when she says something you don't like? I tend to say 'that's nice' to my adult DC's - mainly because I get snapped at if i dare to have an opinion or disagree with something they have said or done. I like to keep the peace so it's just not worth the agro.

Be nice to your mum - you only have one.

Could she have some form of depression? My mum sounds similar and has struggled with a form of depression since going through the menopause. I often feel like the one making all the effort in order to continue a relationship with her and it's hard work!

I've had a few experiences like this with older relatives and I think in some cases people get more selfish when they get older

Can relate. My mum didn't think to tell me that they'd moved house. No malicious intent behind it but I clearly wasn't in her thoughts, I rarely seem to be. I'm 46, she's not going to change now.

I find going low contact has helped me enormously, doubt she's even noticed.

My mum is the same- and I live 1.5 miles away from her. It frustrates me as she will moan about being lonely at any given opportunity, yet has no interest in spending time with me or the DC. She visits a business around the corner from my house but doesn’t call in even though I have suggested she could. I know from others that she paints a very different picture of our relationship to them. She is the same with all my siblings bar the ‘favourite’. I’m sorry I have no great advice, it frustrates me but I have come to realise I can’t change her- I just bite my tongue when she bemoans nobody contacting her.

50 miles is a long way to go in one day, without a car. I wouldnt want to do it either. Perhaps ask if you can take turns to call each other on sundays?

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your comments. I think it is the fact she travels for clothes shopping (not food she works in a food shop) most weekends that's gets me and sometimes to places much further away to me. But I take on board what people are saying about is it wise for her to travel just now. I think my strategy will be to surround myself with family that does care. It does hurt. She's my mum and I do feel I have a duty but it is hurtful nonetheless. I can't even think about trying to chat to her about this because even the slightest thing that she perceives as criticism gets a very defensive reaction.

Hi OP. I think the people who are suggesting that the issue is slightly caused by you not telling your mum much about your life perhaps have family who are actually interested in them and are not really understanding what you're saying. I think I get it. I too have a parent (my dad) who just doesn't respond if you tell him stuff. He might give a disinterested 'ok' but no follow up questions, no body language show of interest. I feel like I'm boring him so I stop telling him stuff and then as he never asks, he doesn't know much. But continuing to talk to a brick wall about important things is hard. I get it re: the job interview. It's a big deal and you just want your mum to say 'good luck darling, what's the job, I do hope you get it' or some such. I guess I do think that if you move a long way away (abroad) it is your responsibility to visit as it would be a bit arrogant to assume people have time and funds to do so. Not sure that applies when it's just an hour on the bus though. Does your mum have financial issues perhaps? might it be that the bus far is a bit much for her? Or does she get travel sick on the bus?

*"She never calls us. She waits on me calling."
Reading your OP, I was thinking along the lines of your mum maybe struggling physically to get to your door (hilly / poor pavements / long walk from bus-stop) but - there's no physical barriers to picking up a phone, is there.

Fuck it, I'd stop ringing her and see how long it takes before she realises.*

I did this with my v. controlling sister. A year later I'm still waiting! Plus she's managed to make it look (to herself anyway!) like she's a victim! Still glad I did it though as really life is too short for that sort of drama. If you want to be in contact....make contact! (I'll do so too of course but 50/50 ish).

I find the whole, you moved away you are responsible to visit thing ridiculous.
DH is from 250 miles away and I’ve had to listen to this for 25 years. Even suggesting we bought 2 day old baby to his hometown as his family didn’t see why they had to make the journey.
I imagine decades ago when people had little holiday and travelling was slow it might fall on one party more. I’m sure people very rarely saw each other as well If they moved away.

OP I think those who have a disinterested parent will confirm that yanbu.
I moved away a long time ago and tried to keep in touch with my Mum on a regular basis. She always sees to sigh when I called and tel me how busy she was. One day she was blatantly rude and I though fuck it, I’m not calling you again. It took her MONTHS to call me and now we probably speak yearly.
She often tells me that I should make the journey to see her as she doesn’t like travelling, yet is fit and retired and goes away on holiday abroad with my siblings. I have a ft job, low income and one of my kids has a mobility issue yet she fails to recognise that it’s far easier for her to travel. She didn’t meet my son until he was almost 2 and I took him down south to meet her.
We are very low contact now and embarrassingly for her, when people ask how I am or my kids she has to say she hasn’t seen them in almost 10 years.
My advice? Stop getting her up about it. She won’t change. Go low contact and enjoy your own family it will be her loss on the end x

I don’t think there is anything ‘normal’ when it comes to families. However, on the sliding scale of support, she’s definitely at the lower end and you’re being reasonable to question her behaviour. I’m sure her approach is hurtful and frustrating - I really feel for you. Maybe time to think about how much emotional / time investment you are willing to make given it appears to be so one sided xx

OP I can’t believe your dm’s only 59 and won’t visit.
My 85 year old dm has just flown to France, on her own, to stay with us.
My dm has children all over the uk too and has always jumped on trains and buses to visit.

Sorry to say but your dm sounds rather selfish and boring.