Do I expect too much from my mum?

[magyar2020]

I'm looking for some help how to cope with this. I'm quite a strong person but this is something I just cannot stop thinking about recently.

My mum will never come to visit us. We live about a 50 mile round trip but we're always told it was us who moved so far away. Yes she doesn't drive and doesn't have access to a car but regularly uses busses to go on day trips often double the distance we are to her. Since lockdown restrictions have eased I've taken our DD to see her several times but it would have been nice for her to come to see us? Instead she has gone on day trips (mostly to shop!) and even suggested she was going to visit a place to go shopping where the bus stops in our town! But would not be coming to our town. Apparently it's my responsibility to visit her.

She never calls us. She waits on me calling. I tell her very little about our life and when I do it's always met with just a "that's nice". An example being me: "I have a job interview for a new role so I'm doing some preparation" Mum: "that's nice".

Our DD started a new nursery recently and it would have been nice to have got a message or a call asking how she got on.

This sounds like a rant. I've been getting really annoyed about it for a while but what is really got to me is yesterday she asked when I will collect my birthday present.

Am I expecting too much from her? Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just not that normal? How do I cope with this and not let it get to me? Sorry it does sound like a rant?

My Mum is like this, she is 69 and from the age of about 50 she decided she is elderly and others need to do all the contact and all the visiting and phoning etc
It's not entirely her fault as it's a learned behaviour which she learnt from her own mother. Her mother became a widow at age 50 so therefore my mum used to do all the visiting and phoning. My Nan never ever came to our house and was quite cold hearted. Unfortunately my DM is the same.

@magyar2020, I first wondered if this was recent and potentially age related..40s/50s can be hormonal crazy time, coupled with exhaustion...however you mention defensiveness to criticism and that suggests she has entitlement so perhaps this is just her.
It's rubbish for you as mums should care.

Exactly the same as my Mum. She went from being a dynamic, engaged and competent woman in her younger days to being "The Duchess". Didn't make a phone call for the last 20 yrs of her life. When my Stepdad was alive, he would establish contact then pass the phone to her. She moaned endlessly about my lack of contact, but when I explained that her phone actually made outgoing calls too, she would just brush it off. Made no bloody difference.

She had a complete lack of interest in my life. Conversations were all about her . Like a previous poster, I wondered if it was partly a hearing issue and I tried to get her to wear an aid for years. Too vain.

My parents each call on my birthday and at Christmas. I used to be disappointed by this, but who wants to be disappointed for years? Instead I've decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, assume that they don't want to bother me, think I am probably fine anyway, etc. and phone them myself every few months.
I've put a reminder in my calendar so that I just phone them when my calendar tells me, rather than it feeling like I have lost a stand-off.