Do I expect too much from my mum?

[magyar2020]

I'm looking for some help how to cope with this. I'm quite a strong person but this is something I just cannot stop thinking about recently.

My mum will never come to visit us. We live about a 50 mile round trip but we're always told it was us who moved so far away. Yes she doesn't drive and doesn't have access to a car but regularly uses busses to go on day trips often double the distance we are to her. Since lockdown restrictions have eased I've taken our DD to see her several times but it would have been nice for her to come to see us? Instead she has gone on day trips (mostly to shop!) and even suggested she was going to visit a place to go shopping where the bus stops in our town! But would not be coming to our town. Apparently it's my responsibility to visit her.

She never calls us. She waits on me calling. I tell her very little about our life and when I do it's always met with just a "that's nice". An example being me: "I have a job interview for a new role so I'm doing some preparation" Mum: "that's nice".

Our DD started a new nursery recently and it would have been nice to have got a message or a call asking how she got on.

This sounds like a rant. I've been getting really annoyed about it for a while but what is really got to me is yesterday she asked when I will collect my birthday present.

Am I expecting too much from her? Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just not that normal? How do I cope with this and not let it get to me? Sorry it does sound like a rant?

@emilyfrost

You’re the one who moved away, so yes, it is your responsibility to visit her rather than expect her to come to you.

Did not realize that it worked like that. So since my elderly mother moved back to Cardiff its her responsibility to travel to me.

Has your Mum always been like this OP?

Pre Covid my dd lived in Italy. Plans were in place for us all to take turns visiting.. 50 mile round trip is nothing.
Your dm has shown absolutely no interest in you /your dd. Take your dignity and back away op. She sounds awful.

There is no way I would expect my mother to travel 25 miles on public transport, involving two separate buses, when I could get in the car and be there in a fraction of the time. I can’t believe you would do that.

You are expecting too much for her to travel to you on public transport yes.

But the other stuff is sad. She should show a lot more interest than this. She sounds self absorbed.

I am nc with my dm these days but before I was - when she was 60 - 63 she travelled train +bus carrying a hold all full - very full - of homemade cakes and goodies for us.. She never ever made it an issue. She didn't drive but never stopped her getting around and keeping in touch with her family. 50 mile round trip to see you dd and dgd should be normalised ime.. Not even decent phone calls op is a disgrace.

She is the matriarch and as such expects you to go to her. She will change when you have an honest conversation with her OR she will wonder why she never sees her gd and may well change her habits. But I wouldn’t bank on it. Just get on with your life. She is being quite selfish....

My in laws are like this. I know dh finds it very hurtful but he doesn’t criticise them. They will ring if they need a job doing though. They didn’t even visit when it was his birthday recently, they put his car through the door when they knew we weren’t there - we were away but were back two days before his actual birthday. They knew that too.

I don't think moving 25 miles makes you responsible for all visit forever!

However, if you have a car 25 miles each may is not a big a deal whereas on the bus might be difficult. I personally wouldn't expect my mum to get on the bus and would consider it easier to drive to her.

As a PP asked, was she more interested pre-move, OP?

For me, the 50-mile round trip on public transport wouldn't be expected of a parent, even if she did equivalent journeys. I would be happy always to travel, even if I had to use public transport. If I drove then doubly so.

The lack of interest in me and DC would seem unreasonable to me. Regarding that, if you can face the consequences, I'd (try to) have an honest conversation about the lack of interest and to try and elicit what she really wants though she may not engage. Ultimately, if she won't open up, you could finish with a question whether she wants you to continue to get in contact given her lack of interest and see what she says.

Good luck.

Sadly older people can get set in their ways, I think a lot of it is down being aware they are older and frailer so are scared to try new things but it can still be bloody annoying. I think how you respond depends on how you feel about her. If she was a good mum when she was younger I’d be inclined to cut her some slack and put myself out to visit her but I don’t know if that applies here?

FWIW My mum always responds with a generic ‘that’s Nice’ type of comment too. Mostly because she is much, much deafer than she will admit but refuses to get hearing aids. A bland, neutral comment covers up that she hasn’t actually understood what I said. It’s harmed our relationship.

I also have age related hearing loss. Some strong words from my daughter when I was 50 made me realise how disconnected and isolated I was becoming and I have worn hearing aids ever since. I have made numerous efforts to persuade Mum to get some. I’ve made appointments with my audiologist and DH and I have said we will pay for them (not necessary because she is well off but we thought it might tip the balance). She completely refuses to entertain the idea. In an unguarded moment she one told me that she likes being deaf as It means she doesn’t have to interact with people she can’t be bothered with. Since that also means not properly interacting with me and her adult GC I find that both annoying and hurtful.

I’ve pretty much given up on her. I do what I have to do as a dutiful daughter, hospital visits, making necessary phone calls, shopping, inviting her to meals and family dos etc but it’s just duty. There’s no love there. I’ve disconnected to protect me from further hurt. I spent over 50 years wanting a loving supportive mum who was engaged with my life and have finally come to the terms with the fact that what I got was a cold hearted , self obsessed, narcissistic, abusive woman. She made my childhood a living hell, all very middle class and stately homes on the surface but behind the scenes she was violent and uncaring and I know the lack of affection damaged me more than the beatings. I wasted decades of my adult life hoping she’d change but she won’t. Why should she? She’s got the outward appearance of a good relationship with me and that’s all she’s ever cared about.

That’s a bit of a rant OP - my point is that there isn’t a rule about any of what you describe. It all depends on your family dynamic. If this is feeling wrong and unbalanced to you then it is wrong and unbalanced for you.

I wouldn't expect my mum to travel from 50 miles away to visit me by public transport.

My daughter lives in another country to me. Visiting her involves a car, a train, a tram, a plane, a train and a bus. I am more than happy to do this if they are stuck for childcare. Should I not be going?

I would not want my mother travelling on two buses each way to visit me if I had a car and could drive it in less than a half hour. It’s just easier for the person with the car to go visit the person without a car.
Add in her age and vulnerability to Covid, it makes it even more imperative that she be the one visited and not risk public transport.
As for her taking the odd shopping trip by bus, with no car and no access to one and online delivery slots hard to get, the shopping trips were most probably essential, not for fun. Unless your mother has a shopping hobby and wastes money on non essential things. One of those trips is probably how she got your birthday present.....

As for her saying “that’s nice” what else should she say? I’m not understanding the problem here. Given her isolation with no car, her life is probably pretty boring and she may be forgetting how to talk to people.

YANBU to want your mother to show an interest in you, your family and your home. Unfortunately she's not interested and that hurts. My mum's the same. I once waited for her to make contact, it took over 6 months. I gave up a long time ago and have been no contact now for 5 years.

Distance doesn't matter one bloody jot.

My dms mother refused to visit when I was born because of the area of the city my dm lived in. Gm thought her car would be stolen. A 20 minute drive.

My Gm on my father's side flew over from another country to give my parents a helping hand and look after my dm. Specifically my dm, not me or my df. (and telling the childless hv in no uncertain terms that she was talking bollocks when they told my dm to wake me up for a bf when I was feeding 4 hourly. Gm had successfully raised 6 children so had a fair idea of what she was doing but I digress).

The difference between these two women was night and day. One was warm, loving, caring, interested, supportive, all the things a good parent is.

The other regularly still has tantrums when she doesn't get her own way.

No prizes for guessing which is which.

DH and I are both from a background where it is a given that younger people must move eg for work, or with their partner, and are quite unlikely to end up living on parents doorstep. We visit the grandparents but they return the favour. I would get cross if we were constantly expected to go to them (its about 45 mins each way). We work all week, they manage to travel constantly long distance for leisure purposes so if they refused to come to see us I would wonder why and assume there was an element of insult.

Thanks everyone. She's been like this for some time really. At least the last 5 or so years. She's 59.

@magyar2020

Don’t mean to sound harsh but you say you don’t tell her much about your life so why would she be interested? Also your mum is an individual person she raised you (presumably) and now it sounds like she’s living her life, shopping maybe trivial to you but it could be her interest perhaps she’s enjoying her golden years/ retirement?

@LadyH846

You are expecting too much for her to travel to you on public transport yes.

But the other stuff is sad. She should show a lot more interest than this. She sounds self absorbed.

Its too much for her to visit her daughter on public transport but its OK for her to use public transport everywhere else. Including a bus that stops in OPs town? So ots the town the problem I'm confused?

It’s just easier for the person with the car to go visit the person without a car.

So? The person without a car has made their own choice not to drive knowing it will mean they must rely on public transport, it's not up to others to compensate by doing the driving for them.

"I tell her very little about our life " and you moved away, so that sounds like a rejection. How much have you complained in the past if she has taken an interest? How much do you chat about her life and not just what you want from her?

It sounds odd as a lot of people would like to see grandchildren frequently. Therefore I wonder about the other side of the story.

You aren't expecting too much, at all. I also moved away from my family and now live 300 miles away while my two younger brothers and their families still live in the same village. My parents are now retired and generally used the 'we need to provide childcare for our other grandchildren' as their reasoning for never visiting us and ensuring it was always me, my husband, 2 children and then dog who had to visit them in their small house which I had allergic reactions to.

Omg so selfish and weird

I moved to a different country - well just to the U.K. from Ireland - but my mum is over here all The time!

I’ve my first baby due soon and she’s gonna be over here every regularly and I go there too!

That’s very one sided. She should really make more of an effort

Has she always been distant?

ARe the day trips with a friend? If so that is not quite the same as travelling on your own.
I would make a reason for her to come. Such as you both going to the shops, preferably without the little one, as shopping with a small child isn't fair on them imv. Do you have a DP, can he watch DDe.
Invite her round for lunch on a Saturday.
Meet her to go to the cinema.
Meet for a coffee in her favourite shopping place.
I love seeing my DGCs but this doesn't seem to be the same for your DM - but that's not to say she won't want to take DD shopping for treats when she is older.