Ignoring calls from nursery

[Fredup12]

My little boy has a cold (definitely a cold, not covid). I think he might be too poorly to go to nursery tomorrow because he’s still a bit chesty and has a runny nose. Both DH and I should be working from home tomorrow. DH says give calpol in the morning and then ignore any calls from nursery so we can get on with our work. He says if I answer nursery’s call and they say to collect him, then I have to look after him all day because he will be busy with work (even though I have work to do too). I don’t think its ok to take him in, and if we did we can’t ignore nursery’s calls. And I think we need to share the childcare between us. AIBU?

Tell him that often it parents ignore nursery calls it their child is ill, social services will get involved I had see it happen with my own eyes. Our nursery have been very proportional and not sent children home with obvious colds but if you choose to ignore the calls and they decide that he needs to come home, you won't be allowed to take him tomorrow.

My DS has just been off sick because a selfish parent sent their DC in with a nasty cold. Now half the class has it including the teacher.

Next time my DC is sick, I'll be extending that parent the same curtesy.

How awful for your poor ds who is feeling wretched, and should be at home being cared for properly by his parents not sent to nursery regardless. I can't believe you are even considering sending him given we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I am shocked and disgusted. Children get ill, esp at that age, that is what they do. The onus is on you to be a decent parent and care for him, both of you, how can you have lost your confidence to such a degree you have lost sight of this??

Disrespect to you and your job- obviously thinks he is more important
Disrespectful to nursery staff - twat
Irresponsible father- what if nursery were trying to contact you in an emergency for another reason
Uncaring-willing to send in sick child who might be better at home because it's inconvenient
I suspect there are other things going on in the background. To be honest don't you think you can do better than this?

I'm a nursery practitioner. If we can't get hold of parents we call the emergency contacts. If they aren't contactable we call social services who will collect your child and place them in emergency foster care until the parents can be reached.

Good god? Really? You'd do that even if the family DID NOT have form for being uncontactable?

Gosh he’s he’s full of himself isn’t he?

Thank you again for all your comments.

He’s still not all better so I’m keeping him home today.

Those who said I can send in a child with a cold, I guess a little but of a runny nose might be ok, but I feel this is a bit more than that. He is being very clingy and I think he should be at home.

Thank you to those who asked questions about my lost confidence. I think its that he sounds so sure that he is right. Its just got to me over time. He never apologies so all the things he’s said over time just rattle around in my head.

I'm glad you're keeping him home as the repercussions for you could be awful, as an ex practitioner I can confirm that if we couldn't reach either of you then we would of had no choice but to call in emergency social services. That is definitely an Avenue you don't want to take

Glad you have kept him home. Your husband sounds awful.

Is he prone to dismissing other obligations he can’t be bothered with?

It could be that he’s so wrapped up in his job and his identity therein, he has genuinely lost sight of his priorities. People do become consumed in work.

If it’s a common theme throughout then it’s something else...just generally fancying himself rotten and being a selfish prick I should think.

Good god? Really? You'd do that even if the family DID NOT have form for being uncontactable?

What's the alternative? They can't stay with a nursery worker ad infinitim. Generally though, in my experience, it wouldn't be until a couple of hours after usual closing time that this would happen in a school. Can't speak for a nursery.

You say he never apologises, OP? Google narcissism and see if it fits.

@chatterbugmegastar that's the guidelines set out by every local authority safeguarding procedures. All early years settings have to follow it. It's not down to a individual setting.

@BehindtheBump

You say he never apologises, OP? Google narcissism and see if it fits.

I was about to say the same thing.

I don't think you would have posted at all with a runny nose, as clearly ds could go if he was feeling well enough.

Dh sounds very controlling and selfish, the impression is generally 'what he says goes' and he is running the show, all the while prioritising his own needs above all else, including his own child even when they are ill.

The reason you may have lost your confidence in speaking up, and giving your view has happened over time when your opinions have been cast aside, and his view has become dominant. He needs to start listening, you perhaps need to speak up and more firmly, be assertive. When he first suggested ignoring a call from nursery that was the right moment to speak up;

'dh our child is ill, he is not going to nursery. Lets work out how we are going to look after him. I have meetings at x, y and z I can do these times. Lets look at your work diary and see what hours you can do. Luckily we are both wfh'

Your view and needs are of equal importance and should be heard, living in dictatorship style marriage is not something I could ever put up with. I would much rather be on my own, and be autonomous.

I worked in nurseries before, and it did happen occasionally that parents would dump off a child who would rapidly go downhill a couple of hours after arriving (when the Calpol wore off).

It was always so obvious when the parent had lied- they'd try to act surprised when we'd phone to come get their child

It's selfish towards everyone else who risks catching the cold, and mean to the poor child in question. Who wants to be in a busy, bright, noisy environment when they're ill? No one, so why do it to your own child?

YANBU, OP.

So the big man can’t take any time away from his big job? What an arse.

I do hope you’re not planning any more children with this shithead.

Thank you to those who asked questions about my lost confidence. I think its that he sounds so sure that he is right. Its just got to me over time. He never apologies so all the things he’s said over time just rattle around in my head.

I know how that feels.

Look up gaslighting.

You know that you are right, OP, despite anything your DH says. I know what it is like to live with a husband/partner like this, I did it for 17 years! You end up doubting yourself on everything and it can be hard to push back against someone who seems so confident in their opinion that they make feel you feel crazy for not agreeing with them.

But even my verbally abusive, gaslighting, mind scrambling ex would not have suggested this course of action! Maybe because his narcissism makes him want to appear as Superdad, but also because he knows full well that it would make nursery staff think extremely dimly of him and risk potential social services involvement. When I worked in schools we had to contact them about an ill child whose parents went off the radar like this.

Your his mother work is not important if he's not well keep him at home. What if your wrong and it is COVID so you send your child to infect others. At this time regardless of what the other parent says please be a mother and take care of your child.

I can’t believe how many people are horrified at the prospect of sending a child to nursery with a cold, they all have relentless colds all the time. Obviously if they are really poorly like your child OP, you can’t send them in but a minor sniffle is like having a mild headache and taking a paracetamol before work - to listen to mumsnetters you would think that’s a week off work!

PP's are right that this is a potential welfare issue. We've had a few cases lately in school where parents/emc won't answer and their dc are in the covid room with a member of staff basically risking their health and that of their families to sit with them. We haven't yet called SS but technically we should have.

Wow I work i a nursery. Nice to know how much some parents care about the staff!

@Incrediblytired

I can’t believe how many people are horrified at the prospect of sending a child to nursery with a cold, they all have relentless colds all the time. Obviously if they are really poorly like your child OP, you can’t send them in but a minor sniffle is like having a mild headache and taking a paracetamol before work - to listen to mumsnetters you would think that’s a week off work!

These aren’t normal times though. If another child gets the chesty cough, temp etc then as per the rules that child’s whole family needs to self isolate until a negative test result. For people like me, self employed, who cannot work from home (hairdresser) that means losing income and client goodwill. It is virtually impossible to get hold of a test in my area and results have been taking longer and longer to come back. It is a pain in arse i get it but some people could be at real risk of losing their jobs, businesses and homes over this.

My god he sounds like a delight.

As others have said, if a childcare setting couldn’t get through to parents or emergency contacts, they’d need to call social services. Once they have deemed him too ill to stay, they cannot change their mind. It is an OFSTED requirement that they safeguard other children from illnesses. If this happened more than once (or indeed, they discovered you were deliberately ignoring calls) they’d likely end your contract. Then you’d have no childcare anyway!